Oh, the B-word, how the thought of you does things to me! I had seen garden variety bullying up close and personal when I taught middle school. The gibes and sneers, the petty grievances and snotty snubs, even the cold shoulders, were ugly but ever-present parts of the landscape. Now, as a mom to tweens and teens, I am helping sidestep those land mines daily.

Parenting tips to prevent bullying in schools, at homes, and in neighborhoods | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

But something really terrible happened. A sixth-grader with autism was bullied at the bus-stop in our town. This was a horse of a different color. The incident was so heart-breaking and outrageous that it made national news.

There are a lot of conversations right now in my ‘hood about what the schools can do, what the parents should have done, and what kids can do to prevent bullying. I know our community is still reeling, but coulda-woulda-shoulda is the least helpful sort of conversation.

With little control over school policy and no control over other parents’ households, I am still powerful. I can control the conversations that I have with my kids and their friends about the B-word and what I expect and what they can do.

So here is what we talk about when we talk about bullying. We keep talking and talking. You should too.

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Ways to Banish the B Word:

1. You don’t have to be friends WITH everybody, but you have to be A Friend TO everybody. Let this sink in. This is the Big Kahuna. If this is the only concept we impress on our kids, then we have all won: treat ALL kids kindly and with respect. As Robert Fulghum famously wrote, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Even Kindergarteners know that friends play fair, talk nice, share, and take turns. Your child is a long way from eating paste and writing with crayons. Encourage them to act like it. They may have great arguments for why you just don’t get it (or maybe that’s just my kids—the great future litigators). That is why there is point #2.

2. Somebody might not be your flavor, but there is nothing wrong with Mint Chocolate Chip. Here’s the thing your kids need to know right now and remember always. They are not going to like everybody (and vice versa). Some people may grate on their last nerve and drive them crazy, but who cares? You may hate mint chocolate chip ice cream. It may make your nose wrinkle, your stomach curl, and make you say unkind things to the person who just served it to you. You know what? I love it. It’s my favorite. People are just like that. Some are just the right flavor for you. Some aren’t. It doesn’t matter. Your job is to teach your kids to recognize that Baskins Robbins has over 1000 flavors because there is beauty in diversity and choice and differences. And that they too are still lovable and worthwhile—even if they always choose vanilla.

3. Size Matters. We all want our kids to be exceptional and special, and they are. These differences among them mean that kids come in all shapes, sizes, and personality types. We need to teach our kids that if they are bigger, stronger, more athletic, smarter, anything -er than the kids around them, they have a great responsibility to be gentler, sweeter, more patient, and more kind. They need to own who they are and what they are bringing to the table. Exceptionally kind is just as important and noteworthy as exceptionally smart or athletic. There might not be a medal for it, but make sure they know you think there should be.

4. Momma was right. It isn’t what you say it’s how you say it. If size matters, then words really do. As bombs or salves, words charge the atmosphere of the classroom and the playground. “Nice shoes” is a perfectly fine thing to say to someone unless you don’t mean it. Sarcasm is nastiness’ sneaky friend. If they invite Sarcasm to play, they are being mean. Period. Teach them to be sincere or be quiet.

5. Saying nothing says something. This is hard to teach, but this is the most important thing for most kids. Most kids aren’t doing the picking, but they aren’t stopping it either. As the mom, you need to acknowledge this in your discussion: “I know that you didn’t call him names or push him down or hurt his feelings. But you were there. And you were silent.” Great men have said great things about this. Consider Edmund Burke who said that “Evil prevails when good men are silent.” That’s a little deep for recess, but you get my point. Teach your kids: Speak up, Be simple, and Be clear. “This is uncool. I am not standing for it.”

6. Choose the Best Version of Yourself. Every day we see our kids making important decisions about how to wear their hair, what clothes to put on, what shows to watch, what apps to download. They are trying on different hats to see which fits the real them. They will have opportunities EVERY SINGLE DAY to wear a white hat or a black hat. Teach your kids to Be the Hero or at least the person who can sleep with a worry-free conscience at night. Say out loud to them if necessary, “This is isn’t my favorite version of you. You can do better.” They want desperately to get it right. Let them know in no uncertain terms when they are getting it all wrong.

We Moms are powerful creatures in this universe called home. Bullying at its deep ugly heart is just another word for cruelty, and we won’t have that in our schools, on our computers, in our homes, or on our playgrounds. This is the way we Moms take a stand. This is what we do. This is the way we banish the B Word. One Conversation At A Time.