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The Electoral College Explained for You and Your Kids

Can't find the perfect article about the Electoral College? See the information I compiled: The Electoral College Explained for You and Your Kids! | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Every four years it’s like a civics lesson all over again: What the heck is the Electoral College? Wait, that’s not accurate. We only truly care we are not actually voting for a president—but for a slate of electors—when the popular vote does not jive with the electoral college votes . . . like it did in 2000 (Bush winning over Gore) and 2016 (Trump winning over Clinton).  The Electoral College/popular vote disharmony happened in 1876 and 1888, too.

Since Clinton supporters are petitioning electors “to ignore their states’ votes and cast their ballots for [former] Secretary Clinton,” and I have these pesky offspring who ask questions that matter, I have found myself delving for hours through the internet, books, and ::gasp::  the Constitution. Yes, the ACTUAL Constitution printed on ACTUAL paper. This post is born out of the desire to not wash, rinse, and repeat this research when my youngest is able to vote in her first presidential election in 2020 because spoiler alert, I’m pretty sure the Electoral College will still be a thing.

The Basics of the Electoral College

There are 538 electors (one elector equals one vote), and a candidate must win 270 votes to become President. The number of electors for each state is determined by its congressional delegation: the number of Representatives in the House plus the two Senators. So, for my home state of Maryland that makes 10.

Such an unwieldy filter for direct democracy must be mandated pretty clearly in the Constitution, right? Nope. Different states choose their electors in different ways. Some states have nominations for electors during party conventions, while others choose their electors in primaries. It’s a hodgepodge free-for-all. The only two things that can really disqualify you from being an elector is holding a federal office or having engaged in some sort of insurrection against the U.S. government. In general, electors are loyal party members who can be counted on to cast a ballot that’s in line with their state’s popular vote.

However, only 29 out of 50 states, and the District of Columbia, have passed laws binding their electors to vote in accordance with the popular vote in their state. (Doing the math, that means there are 21 states where no such law is present at all.) Yep, the most powerful position in our country is really meted out on a wave of tradition. So what happens if an elector breaks rank? Uh, they get a fine, get called a “faithless elector,” and sometimes . . . become a folk hero. In 1972, Roger MacBride, the treasurer of the Republican Party of Virginia, was a pledged elector for Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew. Instead he voted for the Libertarian candidate. That little move got him the Libertarian party presidential nomination in the 1976 election. There have been others who have broken rank, but it has never really made a difference.

In general though, the electoral votes in each state are allotted to the candidate who nabbed the popular vote there in a winner-take-all scenario . . . but there are special snowflake exceptions. Those crazy kids, Nebraska and Maine, decided to let each congressional district determine its own candidate while still awarding 2 electoral votes to the state winner (these account for the 2 electoral votes given to each state because of Senators). Although Maine and Nebraska have been using this system since 1972 and 1992, respectively, split votes have only happened once for each state. Nebraska’s electoral vote was split in 2008 with Barack Obama carrying a congressional district centered around Omaha, and his Republican rival, John McCain gaining the state’s other four votes. This year’s election marks the first time that Maine will split its electoral votes with one of its four votes going to Trump. It’s didn’t make much of a difference in either election, but maybe this split vote thing could make a difference in states with a greater number of electoral votes?

So when are these votes cast? Right after the election would make the most sense since we have the news outlets telling us who won the election by 2 am, but nay, nay. The chosen electors all meet at their respective state capitals on the first Monday after the second Wednesday in December to cast their votes. (Seriously.) The votes are then counted in a joint session of Congress on January 6. Yeah, and the Inauguration is held on January 20th (20th Amendment), so by all appearances it is just for pomp and circumstance.

Why We Have the Electoral College

Since it seems like the Electoral College is just a bunch of curlicues and flourishes and is the very definition of “extra,” why do we have it?

The easy answer is that while we often throw around the word democracy, the United States is actually a representative republic because the creators of the Constitution valued federalism—meaning that power is divided between our federal government and our state and local governments. So in the most idealistic terms, the Electoral College was supposed to prevent a power grab by a tyrannical majority. Alexander Hamilton indicated in “The Federalist Papers” that the point of the Electoral College was to preserve “the sense of the people,” while at the same time ensuring that a president was chosen “by men most capable of analyzing the qualities adapted to the station, and acting under circumstances favorable to deliberation, and to a judicious combination of all the reasons and inducements which were proper to govern their choice.”

So that’s the very verbose ideal, but while the end product of our government’s creation is pretty amazing, it was founded by real men with real prejudices and real self-interests. In 1787, at the Philadelphia Convention (where the Constitution was created to replace the Articles of Confederation), the Pennsylvanian, James Wilson, proposed direct national election of the president.

However, James Madison figured out that in a direct election system, the North would outnumber the South, whose many slaves (more than half a million in all) could not vote. The Three-Fifths Compromise was enacted to count each male slave as three-fifths of a person to determine representation in the U.S. House, and consequentially a state’s number of electoral votes. Of course the only “representation” was of pro-slavery interests since slaves were still not allowed to vote. (Did they actually listen to themselves?) States were basically rewarded for the number of slaves they bought and bred. Because of the Three-Fifths Compromise, for 32 of the Constitution’s first 36 years, a white slave-holding Virginian occupied the presidency. (The 14th Amendment, ratified in 1868, abolished the three-fifths rule and granted (male) former slaves the right to vote.)

The Electoral College Was Almost Immediately Obsolete

So it seems obvious that a system birthed out of political slight of hand to gain advantage by abusing the rights of human beings might not be something we need today? Heck, before we exited the 19th century, the Electoral College became a clunker. The 12th Amendment establishing the Electoral College was ratified in 1804. So let’s just consider the noble reasons for it, and assume it was developed to prevent “the tyranny of the majority” and because people across the vast United States would lack information to make intelligent decisions when choosing a president. It was around the same time of the 12th Amendment ratification that our two party system began to emerge providing more balance to prevent tyranny, and effectively tying presidential candidates to state and local governments. The development of standard political platforms meant “the people” would know who and what they were voting for.

So Why Do We Still Have It?

All pros and cons aside, the biggest reason we still have it is that it would take a Constitutional Amendment to change it. After including the whole “Alcohol is illegal! Nope, it’s legal again!” in the (18th and 21st) amendments of the founding document of our government, constitutional amendments are a hard sell because we are thankfully a bit more discerning now. (It literally takes an act of Congress, see below.)

Another bugaboo is that when the electoral votes don’t reflect the national popular vote, the party in power is the one that benefited from the Electoral College. Yeah.

In a more positive point, there are some analysts who insist that the Electoral College ensures that middle and rural America will not be ignored by presidential candidates, and that urban centers won’t determine elections. They argue it ensures that the President represents everyone.

Then there’s the ever popular “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Our electoral system has been stable for over 200 years. By all results, the Electoral College has effectively preserved federalism and prevented chaos. That is nothing to sneeze at. Building onto this thought, some believe that the Electoral College supports the power of the states in determining our president and ensures that presidents receive support from a diverse array of people around the country.

But Really . . .

The only “real” argument for why the Electoral College will endure is because it is in the Constitution. It is intentionally difficult to change the Constitution: two-thirds of both the House and Senate would need to vote to repeal it via a Constitutional amendment, AND THEN three-fourths of state legislatures would need to ratify the amendment.

However, there is a loophole to convening a Constitutional Convention: The National Popular Vote Interstate Compact (NPVIC). In a nutshell, the compact is designed to ensure that the candidate who wins the most popular votes is elected president. Several U.S. states and the District of Columbia have adopted the agreement to award all their respective electoral votes to the candidate winning the popular vote. So if you use this election as an example, each state in the NPVIC would award its electoral votes to the winner of the national popular vote—Hillary Clinton—no matter if the state itself went red or blue.

So why is this not happening? Well, only ten states and the District of Columbia have joined for a total of 165 combined electoral votes. You can see a map of which ones have joined here, and by the way, they are all blue states. There needs to be enough states signed on with enough votes to make it to that magical number of majority: 270.

Oh and there is one more litttttttle thing. Even if enough states join, it may require Congressional approval. Article I, Section 10 of the US Constitution states that: “No State shall, without the Consent of Congress . . . enter into any Agreement or Compact with another State, or with a foreign Power. . .” HOWEVER, it is being heavily debated in legal circles whether this article would actually apply to the NPVIC. While the legalities are convoluted, the takeaway is simple: the NPVIC is not an uncomplicated or straight path to circumventing the Electoral College.

Why the Electoral College is an Unnecessary Dinosaur

Can't find the perfect article about the Electoral College? See the information I compiled: The Electoral College Explained for You and Your Kids! | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

1. Small states don’t need the protection. First, states with smaller populations receive an unfair “bump” in voting power with the Electoral College, and that goes beyond “protection.” For example, there are 711,723 Californians for every Electoral College vote that state casts in the presidential election, but in Wyoming, there’s one Electoral College vote per 195,369 residents. How does this happen? Because no matter what the population, a state still gets those 2 electoral votes tacked on for its 2 senators.

So what about the argument that urban centers on the coasts would determine the elections without the Electoral College? I disagree. With just a quick look at population numbers (I realize not everyone in the census count can vote, but still, it illustrates the point).

California (38.8 million) plus New York State (19.75 million) equals 58.55 million people.

It only takes 13 red midwest and southern states (Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Arizona, Indiana, and Missouri) to equal a population of 62.27 million. (There were still 17 more red states leftover.)

I’m just not buying that if everyone came out to vote, California and New York would determine the President on their own.

2. Hey, the Senate ensures equality. The less populous states don’t need the 2 senator vote count advantage in the Electoral College (explained above) because they are already getting the advantage in the ACTUAL Senate. Every state gets two votes. Each presidential election year everyone seemingly forgets that the Executive branch functions under the checks and balances of the Legislative and Judiciary branches. Our government is constructed so that our state elections (which are direct, one person equals one vote, 17th Amendment) determines our state’s federal power.

3. The Electoral College can actually diminish the rural voice in an economically diverse state. In my home state of Maryland, every four years, five of the most urban counties determine the winner of our electoral votes. This produces feelings of disenfranchisement where farmers, watermen, and small business owners feel like the city of Baltimore decides who our president is going to be.

5. The Electoral College only acts to draw candidates to swing states. It’s also often argued that candidates would only focus campaign attention on huge states if the Electoral College was eradicated. Well, all the Electoral College ensures is that states split 50/50 between Democrats and Republicans (like Ohio, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Florida) get attention. States that are locked into their voting patterns like Texas (red) and New York (blue) get very little campaign attention despite their large number of electoral votes. Candidates ignore where they are hopelessly behind or drastically ahead. Basically, votes in swing states carry more power.

The Main Reason The Electoral College Needs to Go

It creates voter apathy.

Votes are “wasted” under the Electoral College. It doesn’t matter if a candidate wins by 1,000 votes or 600,000 votes in California, they still receive the same the power of its 55 electoral votes. Likewise, every vote for the candidate who doesn’t win the electoral votes goes into the metaphorical garbage.

In Maryland, many of my friends and acquaintances didn’t want Trump or Hillary, but they especially didn’t want Trump. They felt like they could just not vote, thus not supporting Hillary, but knowing Hillary would win our blue state anyway. There had to be Hillary supporters who didn’t vote because they knew it didn’t matter. With or without their votes, Hillary would get out 10 electoral votes. The fact is only 2.37 million people out of 6 million voted in Maryland.

Extrapolate this nationwide. How many people don’t vote because they know how their state is going to go? If more people voted would elections still be cutting it as close as they are now?

The Most Interesting Question I Have Not Seen Asked

If we eliminated the Electoral College would it increase voter turnout?

Only 57.9% of eligible voters cast a ballot in the 2016 election. That left over 90 million votes on the table. Would knowing their personal voices would be heard and not filtered through the Auto-Tune of the Electoral College bring more Americans out to the polls? In our nomadic, global society should our voices be drowned out by the choral “AMEN” of the state we happen to land in or should we all be allowed to sing our own solos? I, for one, would like my off-key soprano to be heard.

-Ellen

References

All website sources used are linked throughout this post.

You can get your own Constitution here for $1.00.

Texts used: Everything You Need to Ace American History in One Big Fat Notebook: The Complete Middle School Study Guide and Prentice Hall’s United States History.

 

Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.

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Best and Easiest Gift Exchange Idea Ever!

Holiday sanity can be achieved by simplifying your gift list. This Christmas gift guide will work for all of the people in your life. Best and easiest gift exchange idea ever! | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Wait, let me make that a little more accurate: It’s the most INSANE time of the year! Okay, now I feel like the Grinch. How about, it’s the most insanely wonderful, wonderfully insane time of the year? THAT feels right.

There is so much to do during the holidays that many of us try to pare down our to-do lists as much as possible. This can result in some great things for your well-being like booting the cookies from the roster that take 15 steps, a kajillion hours, and that special ginger picked by virgin elk herders in the Himalayas. However, it can also lead to some hasty decisions like cutting out your gift exchange with your girlfriends. While this may free up some minutes, it can also throw a sopping wet blanket on the spark of your joy.

Some of my best—fun, soul-nourishing, hilarious, sentimental—times are created during my gift exchanges with my friends, be they secret or open, local or spanning the country. So for me, the secret is not to slash my gift list, but to simplify . . . and to borrow a fantastic idea when I hear it. My friend, Andrea, hit on what could possible be the best gift exchange idea ever: SOCKS!

Hear me out. There are so many options, sizing isn’t stressful, they can be so thoughtfully personal, you can find FANTASTIC ones for under $10, Amazon is dripping with them (but you can also find great ones at Walmart and Target), and they don’t add to clutter. Socks are not just for girlfriends either; men, teens, and kids love them, too. This makes them a great gift exchange idea for extended family, the office, and school. See? Perfect. And whoever can find it in their being to complain about adding a pair of socks to their drawer really needs to be kicked out of your tribe. Look, either way, your gift list just got simplified.

So without further ado, here are my personal suggestions.

Socks are the Best and Easiest Gift Exchange Idea Ever! There are so many options, sizing isn't stressful, they can be so thoughtfully personal, you can find FANTASTIC ones for under $10, Amazon is dripping with them, and they don't add to clutter. | Christmas | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

 

My Favorite Salad is Wine

Love these! They combine two of my favorite things: wine and humor! There has to be someone in your life who would appreciate them too.

Wine Salad

 

If You Can Read This, Bring Me Chocolate

Wine not your friend’s thing?  Chocolate may hit the spot.

Chocolate socks

 

Taco Tuesday

Let’s be honest. Any day ending in “y” is a good day for tacos.

taco socks

 

Holy Guacamole

We know the guacamole is extra, but it’s totally worth it.

Avocado socks

 

Bow Wow

Oh my goodness these are cute. And it’s a set! You could take care of 5 friends in one click! You can get on Amazon and search your desired breed too. I may or may not have these puggle socks in my cart.

Dog Socks

 

What a Shame

Having a bad day? At least you’re not wearing a cone of shame . . . or at least I hope you’re not.

Dog in cone

 

Purr-fect

Let’s not give all the attention to the dogs, acknowledge your feline aficionados too. Once again, it’s a five pack.

cat socks

 

Purr-fectly Nerdy

For the friend who likes felines and funny. (And now these are in my cart.)

Nerdy cats

 

Something Fishy

Fur not your thing? Here’s a goldfish for you. I like how it’s a little more subtle.

Golldfish socks

 

Oh Deer!

I love how these are festive, but not so Christmas-y that you can’t wear them past December.

deer socks

 

Secret Sass

Business up top, sassy at the sole.

Secret Sass

 

High Praise

For the wonder woman in your life who likes to keep her awesome on the down low.

Running the world

 

Ka-Pow!

For the wonder woman in your life who is not afraid to let her awesome flag fly. Give her the cape she deserves.

Wonder woman socks

 

Words of Wisdom

One final funny that doubles as pretty sound advice too.

Asshole socks

 

I could go on forever with these, but that last pair seems like a good place to stop. Don’t see anything you like here? Get yourself over to Amazon and search out any interest under the sun. I guarantee there’s a sock for that.

Here’s a little something extra for that person in your life you REALLY like. They’re all cozy in their new socks, why not give them a good—no great—book to cuddle up with? My friend, Ilana Wiles of Mommy Shorts, wrote a book that makes a perfect gift for anyone in your life who is a parent. This hardcover book is gorgeous and substantial. It’s filled with humor, truth, and actual real-life advice such as this gem for how to sneak in a nap: “I tell my son that his brother is better at giving back rubs than him. Then I close my eyes and enjoy the competition.” Get your copy of “The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting” here or fill out the form below to win one on us!

Mommy Shorts Collage Sensible Moms

Happy Holidays!

-Ellen

This giveaway is for one copy of The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting. Open only to residents of the continental United States. Winner will be notified by email at the end of the giveaway and will have 48 hours to respond before a new winner is picked.

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10 Firsts That Should Make the Baby Book

Even this far out, the first days of motherhood stand out in relief against the the thousand days that came after them. In between the marathon feedings, the endless diaper changes, and the general taking-care-of-new-baby time suck, there wasn’t a whole lot of time for a breath let alone a shower. The baby book was an Everest we felt we needed to attempt simply because it was there and everybody else was doing it. Well, time and experience are wonderful teachers and we can say with all authority that you can skip the traditional baby book entries. Who really needs to know what Junior’s first food was? Get to the heart of what parenting is really about anyway with these firsts that should be in the baby book. Childhood moments aren’t slaves to Hallmark standards. So in the spirit of true sisterhood, we are opening up our old archives now to share some of our favorite firsts. But we offer them with this this caveat: you don’t really need to write them down, they’ll be burned on your heart and brain.

Honest Parenting: Get to the heart (and humor) of what parenting is really about with these 10 firsts that should make the baby book | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

 1. First Epic Spit-Up

Are you wondering who can remember a spit-up since they are as common as political rants on Facebook? Well, Ellen can. It’s all about timing . . . and volume. Ellen had settled down on the couch with her hubby to watch a movie — what was to pass for their date night in their new life with a newborn. A spontaneous date night because they didn’t expect the baby to sleep. Hooray! There was no time to go to the video store and no, streaming was not an option. Did you not notice video stores were mentioned?

So at the mercy of HBO, they settled in to watch Dante’s Peak, a purely cheesy movie about a volcano erupting . . . when the baby awoke with a wail. Newbies that they were, they didn’t see that coming. So Ellen, desperate to watch the movie grabbed the baby and started nursing, and nursing, and nursing. At the EXACT moment the volcano erupted on their television, the baby erupted on herself, on Ellen, on Frank, on the couch, on the wall . . . are you getting that it was epic?

2. First Epic Diaper Blow-Out

 Everyone has a great blow-out story, but Erin’s, like Ellen’s above, has the added bonus of uncanny timing. The scene: one sweet baby in a beautiful heirloom white christening gown, in the front row in Erin’s hometown church, with 300 witnesses present. As the strains of the first hymn floated out over the congregation,  the sweet baby at the center of the scene let loose with a diaper blow-out that seemed completely at odds with the size of said child and necessitated not one, but TWO, wardrobe changes (for mom AND baby).

Unfortunately for Erin, as she checked the diaper bag, she realized that the only option for clothing was big brother’s dinosaur t-shirt.  Seeing as how she was in church, it seemed like an awkward time to take the Lord’s name in vain, but she was thinking it. Long story short: Kid was baptized in brother’s growling dinosaur t-shirt. Come to think of it, this one was immortalized in photographs and probably doesn’t need a mention in the baby book.

3. First Time Baby Bites You

Nursing moms recognize this as the moment where you fully realize pain on a whole new level, the level being apocalyptic-holy-crap-that-hurts. It is also the moment when you realize that you could imagine putting a “Baby For Sale: Cheap” sign around his neck, if you could just get his clenched teeth off your nipple.

4. First Time Traveling with Kids Alone

Traveling with two mobile kids under the age of three on an airplane with a connecting flight was almost her undoing. Natural disasters pale in comparison to the maelstrom Erin’s kids whipped up in the Bangor Airport circa 2000.  Things began unraveling the second she checked in. Erin was so worried that her little girl who was faster than Speedy Gonzales was actually going to vault her way onto the baggage carousel that she left her son’s jacket at the front desk. We’ll just call that Casualty #1.

When she finally wrestled the kiddos to the holding pen — ahem, the waiting area — things went from kinda crappy to Defcon 1. With kids intent on running in two equal but opposite directions, their belongings unattended and exposed to the whims of terrorists and thieves, and public opinion of her mothering skills tanking, Erin snapped like a twig. She stood in the middle of the airport waiting area and said, “Somebody is gonna have to help me. NOW.”  Erin’s sanity, well, we’ll just call that Casualty #2.

Someone half-heartedly collared one of her two little n’er-do-wells long enough for Erin to kind of nudge the kids in the direction of the boarding area as she attempted to carry two carseats while pushing the stroller and shouldering the bags. This memory is a little lost to the elements of time and Post Traumatic Stress. Suffice it to say, casualties #3 and #4 were a second jacket and the stroller lost during the boarding process.

5. First Time Offered Unsolicited Parenting Advice By A Stranger

Erin survived the above scene without so much as a whisper of advice; Ellen was not so lucky in the grocery store. Her gaffe? Using big words with her toddler. In reprimanding her little bundle of fire, she may have used “unacceptable” and “deplorable.” A nice man actually turned his cart around to come back and tell her that her problem was that she used “big, fancy words.” Yeah, the country would just go down the toilet if more children had enriched vocabularies.

6. First Time Being Scolded By a Professional For Your Parenting

Ellen apparently gets all of the hate attention. The scene is now the dentist office where she was upbraided by the hygienist for the condition of her daughter’s teeth. “So did you manage to keep the two teeth she has left without fillings clean this time?”

Ellen was outraged but managed to calmly reply, “That’s not my daughter.”

The hygienist points at the chart, “Well, that’s her name.”

“But, that’s not her birth date, so I’d appreciate OUR chart so we can go to another dentist. One that takes malpractice a little more seriously.”

You should definitely double-check your facts before scolding Ellen.

7. First Time Getting Kicked Out of Story Time

Erin is part of a tribe of moms who all bear silent scars but should be wearing t-shirts that declare “I survived a Toddler from Hell.” Her wonderful, beautiful, spirited child could scale any surface (gravity be damned), escape any restraining device, and hurl herself to the precipice of disaster at any moment. It took great resolve for Erin to take this child into civilization AT ALL to spend time with other children. Therefore, it cut pretty deep when the sweet, lovely lady running the library’s story time took Erin aside and didn’t ask or imply or suggest, but practically begged her not to bring her child back. For the foreseeable future. Ouch.

Honest Parenting: Get to the heart (and humor) of what parenting is really about with these 10 firsts that should make the baby book | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Don’t let the curls and cute smile fool you. This one is a terrorist.

8. First Time They Read to You

Nothing wil thrill you more as a parent than watching your child enjoy something you love. As readers, those first moments when our kids picked up a page and made that special brand of magic for themselves was a great moment indeed.

9. First Time Your Kid Makes You Laugh Out Loud

We love that moment when the kids cross over from baby to little person. One of Erin’s favorite moments like this was with her then three year old. He was riding in the back seat with his friend whose dad is a hunter. His friend was explaining that you can tell how big a deer is by the number of points on his antlers.  Her son thinks about it for a minute, grabs his ears, and then says, “I guess that makes me a two-pointer.”

10. First Time They Take the Keys

By the time your kid is old enough to reach the gas pedal, you probably can’t even find their baby book, but the high school years are honestly the treasure trove of really good stuff.  This is when they have the bonanza of big time firsts like the first job application, first college application, first date, and on and on and on until they cross that stage at graduation.

So take a little piece of advice from two moms who have crossed kids over into young adulthood: celebrate, document, and record the little big moments. The really good stuff of parenting and raising kids isn’t in the neat lines but in the messy borders.

Enjoy the ride!

Erin and Ellen

Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.

I Just Want to Be Perfect

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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”


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Teach Your Teen to Drive With These First Steps

Chances are if you have a teen ready to drive, you’ve been motoring around for a decade or three yourself. It’s hard to recall a time when jumping behind the wheel was fresh and new, but this is exactly the mindset you need when teaching your child to drive. Yes, YOU teach your darling to drive. Maybe senility is knocking at my door, but I really feel like “back in the day” the drivers education instructor did most of the well, instructing. Where I live in Maryland, my kid needs to be in the car with me for 20 hours before they get behind-the-wheel training with an instructor.

Here’s a direct quote from the pamphlet:

The behind the wheel lessons are intended to guide your teen by evaluating their current driving skills, determining where they need more practice, and preparing them for the MVA exam. The parent/adult driver(s) that work with the student for the 60+ practice hours are teaching the teen how to drive.

You could have knocked me over with a feather once I realized this with my oldest daughter. I was already finding this phase of parenting to be the most challenging (realizing 14 years too late that potty training was NOTHING), but finding out I couldn’t really turn this over to a professional was pretty disheartening. Like a bag of chocolate chips followed by a red wine chaser disheartening.

Hey, I’m an experienced driver with a clean record, and the DMV gave me a trifold pamphlet, so it was all good, right? It wasn’t quite as mind-blowing as being handed my firstborn at the hospital with the proclamation “Go forth and be a parent!” but it wasn’t great either. At least now I had the internet. Okay, I had the internet when she was born, but Google didn’t launch until two months later. Let that sink in.

But while handy dandy Google had answers for me this time, they were all over the place. All I wanted to know was where to begin. Luckily I was able to formulate a plan by piecing together what I read and adding it to the advice offered by our Facebook followers.

Teach your teen to drive with these first steps. Tips and tutorials because the basics may be even more basic than you recall. Learn also about the role of muscle memory. |Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

My biggest revelation with my oldest daughter was that the first lessons happened way before the open road. My biggest discovery with my second daughter was that The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) launched teendriversource.org; a site chock full of research-based guidelines, tools, and tutorials for parents, teens, and educators. The only “problem” is there is so much information, it’s hard to initially land at the starting point.

Follow these tips and tutorials to teach your teen to drive. The basics may be even more basic than you recall. Learn also about the role of muscle memory. |Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Here’s how to get rolling:

First Steps for Teaching Your Teen to Drive

  1. Start with getting YOUR mind in the right place. It is your job to remove distractions and one of them is YOU. Yep. Teens report that one of the biggest distractions is when parents get emotional. So get ready for an Oscar nomination because you must maintain an air of calm through it all: keep your voice modulated, try not to stomp a hole through the floorboard, and always have them pull the carover to discuss dicey situations. This two minute video can give you further tips on creating the right learning environment.
  2. Go over the car thoroughly. Remember this is all new. Consider every button mysterious and explain it. Describe how to adjust the mirrors and the seats. Explain how you turn on the car and work the pedals. Need some help remembering what all of the basic steps are? Check out these short videos where it is all laid out. Have your teen put the car in gear and go down your driveway a bit (or do this in a parking lot) so your teen can use the pedals and see if the mirrors are positioned correctly. Believe it or not, this may be enough for the first lesson.
  3. Practice in a parking lot . . . a big, empty one. Go over the car again. Then just have them get a feel for the vehicle in motion. Play around with the accelerator and brake. Have them discover what reverse feels like. Just let them drive around developing a feel for the “corners” of the vehicle. You can even set up some cones or boxes for them to maneuver around. You can review tutorials for your parking lot sessions here.
  4. Discuss scanning techniques. SO IMPORTANT, BUT SO OFTEN OVERLOOKED. You avoid accidents by anticipating hazards you detect while scanning your surroundings. Good drivers routinely sweep their gaze beyond the lane in front of them and constantly check their mirrors. Guess what? New drivers tend to stare straight ahead. Teens must be told how to move their eyes and they need to be reminded every time they get behind the wheel. Scanning from lesson one helps cement it into a habit as soon as possible. For help describing the technique, watch Parking Lot: Introduction to Scanning.
  5. Practice checking for blind spots. Novices need to learn early on that checking mirrors is not enough, they need to physically turn their heads to check blind spots. It’s best to start this early because it may take a while before they can turn their head without turning the wheel. Teaching how to look around before backing up fits in nicely here too.
  6. Comment while YOU drive. Talk about how you’re scanning the road. Comment on the mechanics of making a turn while you’re doing it (so much easier than trying to remember and reconstruct how you do that automatic action while you’re sitting in the passenger seat). Explain why you picked that particular parking space. However, to avoid eye rolls think of this as dispensing public service announcements, not creating documentaries. Narrate little tidbits, not full instruction manuals.

Don’t be anxious to blow through these steps to get out on the road because that’s where you think the real lessons occur. It is so hard for novice drivers because they have to think about every single little action with their higher brains. That processing adds crucial seconds to reaction times.

Driving is so automatic for you because you are doing it from “muscle memory” controlled by your lower brain, and more specifically, your cerebellum. Every time your child drives, they are strengthening neural connections in their cerebellum and thus heading toward better and faster reactions. “Practice makes perfect” was coined for this part of the brain. Because I know these neural pathways are being forged, I don’t rush my kids out onto the interstate. Every time they practice braking on a local road means they will be better at braking on the highway. It’s a matter of brain training.

So there you have it: not everything (by a long shot), but at least your starting point. Don’t worry though, teensource.org will take you to the next level, too. Stay calm, buckle up, have a plan, and know you’re not the only one who is not a fan of this part of parenting!

-Ellen

Want to know more about how to protect your teen driver? See what we wrote about it here.

How To Protect Your Teen Driver - #JustDrive - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Our kids also made a video with us about distracted driving. Watch it for the valuable information, enjoy it because they are adorable.

 

Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.

I Just Want to Be Perfect

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The Ultimate Book Gift List

If there is a better gift to give than books, we don’t want to hear it. Here are thirty books we loved reading this year. They could easily be on a Best of 2016 list, but we think they belong here as gift guide for you. Every last one is just perfect for someone on your Christmas list. This is The Ultimate Book Gift List from us to you with love. So just fire up that Amazon Prime and start crossing people off your list today.

Book lovers on your Christmas list this year? Here is a book gift list to help you through the holiday season. This booklist and gift guide that will satisfy any reader. Fiction and non-fiction, these great readers are our picks for the best of 2016! | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

1. Tell the Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt

Coming of age stories, while charming and poignant, don’t always make great novels. This novel with its plucky, awkward 14-year-old narrator June avoids the pitfalls of the genre.  June feels like she was born in the wrong era and yearns to be a falconer. When her story begins, it’s 1987 New York and her favorite uncle has just died of AIDS. June’s unlikely friendship with her uncle’s boyfriend forms the backbone of the novel. Erin gave up an afternoon to read it in big gulp. This is one you’ll miss when it’s over.

2. Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi

While these fictional stories are not necessarily true,  their “truth” is irrefutable. A masterful storyteller, Gyasi weaves these stories of slavery and racism without ever becoming preachy or judgmental. While she structures the novel to bridge two continents and cultures to tell the stories of two African half-sisters and their descendants, she can easily not just tell the poignant details of their lives, but reveal larger truths about mankind’s cruelty to each other.

3. White Trash: The 400-Year Untold History of Class in America by Nancy Isenberg

One of Erin’s friends recommended this one with the caveat, “When it gets hard, that’s when it starts to get good.” This book slammed into Erin’s life. By articulating the class struggle and placing it into historical context, it forces the reader to confront prejudices and an examination of some of the darker truths of the American Dream.  A quick read that generates introspection, it will sit with you long after you turn the last page.

 

4. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari

Erin’s brother-in-law recommended this one and if you want to be challenged about what you think you know about human history and how you know it, this is the book for you. It’s a delight to read and the ideas inherent in it force you to confront your expectations of mankind and what we have done as a species. As a Social Studies teacher, Erin found it fascinating. As a reader, she found it to be a quick, satisfying read that gave her space to contemplate some larger questions about the world.

 

5. Beyond the Break by Kristen Mae

Haunting and beautiful with depths that beg to be plumbed, this book brings it and then some. Well-rounded characters and gorgeous imagery set the stage for one killer knock-out of a book. This book is sexy with a capital S. Flawed, lovable Hazel and magnetic Claire will change everything you thought you knew about love, sexual attraction, and chemistry.

6. The Paris Architect by Charles Belfoure


A quick moving plot, well-defined characters, and settings that transport the reader to another time and place set the stage for a book that you will not want to put down. A debut novel by an actual architect, this story of the transformation of Bernard, a man caught in  historical and moral crossroads, delivers drama and authenticity, a double whammy any reader can appreciate. Riddled with uncertainties, Bernard decides that he can work with both sides, but as the novel unfolds, he discovers where he truly stands. The journey to that self-discovery is the heart of this novel.

7. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

 As parents of young people just starting to make their way in the world, this is a hopeful book. As women of a certain age, it’s a bit devastating too. On the one hand, Kalanithi and his story is a beautiful tale of a life well-lived. On the other hand, it was one cut tragically short by cancer. A coming of age story as well as the story of his battle with cancer, his tale is populated with poignant and illustrative scenes. But by far the best thing about this book is Kalanithi’s lovely writing. His beautiful mind and spirit come alive in the pages. Our world is better for having had this man and now  his book in it.

8. The Boys in the Boat: Nine Americans and Their Epic Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics by Daniel James Brown

A riveting account of the crew that captured the gold medal in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. Told through the eyes of Joe Rantz, a remarkable man who overcame much adversity to be one of the “boys in the boat,” this story is not so much about rowing as a sport but the power of sport to change lives. Erin rowed crew in college and Brown gets the details of the sport just right even though he never rowed. Vivid characters and a moving story propel this story to the ranks of “Must Read.”

9. The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin

Our friend Nina described this book as a book lover’s book. She is one of those friends who is usually right, so we just nod and listen to her. We are oh so happy we did. The quirky A.J. Fikry is an unlikely one to root for, but as the story unfolds, you can hardly help yourself.  Loss, romance, and even a bit of mystery are peppered throughout and layered with humor. Each chapter doesn’t just advance the narrative but serves as an homage to one of Fikry’s favorite books. If you have ever lost or found yourself between the pages of a book, this is a must read.

10. Commonwealth by Ann Patchett

We just love Ann Patchett, so it’s always hard when a favorite author has a new book. Will it be the worthy of the same love and devoted following as her other books? The answer here is “Oh, hell yeah!”  A novel about two families whose fates are sealed at a Christening party with a large bottle of gin and ripe oranges. Moving back and forth in time and between members of the Cousins and Keating families, Patchett nails family life. The Greek tragedy and comedy of the whole enterprise is alive and well in her telling here. You will nod your head in recognition, laugh out loud, and even mist up. It’s a helluva read and that’s why it has to be one of this year’s best!

11. Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson

This is a hard read, but you just have to do it. “Each of us is more than the worst thing we have ever done.” This right here is the silent whisper in the shadow of each chapter. It’s what compels you to keep reading all the hard things contained in these pages and keep confronting the systemic inequities that cripple our ability as a nation to truly be free. We read this one with a group of friends and were able to laugh, cry, and wrestle with the uncomfortable truths within together. Whether you go it alone or find a buddy or ten to share it with, this book is one that needs to be read in the way that air needs to make it to lungs and water needs to slate thirst. This is not a just a book, so much as force of nature in your life. You will be different from reading it, but that’s the beauty and gift of it.

12. A Window Opens  by Elisabeth Egan

On the surface this book is nothing special, a familiar story about a SAHM who suddenly has to work full time. But “Danger, Will Robinson”, it’s the quiet ones that will get you. With its light, breezy touch, infinitely likable characters, and easily recognizable tensions, this book will sink its stealthy hooks into you and then spit you out an afternoon later. Erin adored Alice, her kids, and her very believable relationship with her husband. This may not be ground-breaking fiction, but it is a wholly satisfying, utterly delicious piece of literary pie.

13. My Name Is Lucy Barton

We both love every opportunity to worship at the altar of the inimitable Strout and this book illustrates perfectly why. This simple and unassuming story is a powerhouse of story-telling. Lucy is recovering in a hospital bed when her estranged mom comes to visit. However, Lucy is no ordinary protagonist and Strout is no ordinary writer, so the results are literary fireworks. Small but mighty, this slim novel packs a lot of extraordinary into a tight, narrative thread. The perfectly rendered imperfect relationship between Lucy and her mother is a reader’s dream: nuanced, fully realized, and ringing with truth. This one is a keeper.

14.  Before the Fall by Noah Hawley

Every member of Erin’s family devoured this book this summer. The premise: a plane crashes, and there are only 2 survivors, one of them a young child. The promise: a story that unfolds with a few surprises full of characters you care about and a mystery you are interested in solving. You will stay up late to read the backstories of the people on the plane and find out what happened to the ill-fated flight. Fascinating and entirely unputdownable, this is a book that was on everybody’s must read lists this summer. If you haven’t read it, move it to the top of yours.

15. The Admissions by Meg Mitchell Moore


Any parent who has been through it will tell you: college admissions is an emotional pressure cooker. Nothing quite captures the high highs and the low lows quite like this utterly delectable piece of fiction. The Hawthornes are a family so familiar you feel from the first page like you might be reading about your next door neighbors. As their oldest gets put through the wringer applying to Harvard, dad’s alma mater, so do the rest of them. As the pressure is on, things start to unravel and secrets are revealed. Bottom line: an immensely enjoyable read for you that will make you grateful for your own process in comparison.

16. Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour

When it comes to advice about college, we listen to our friends Lisa and Mary Dell who write over at Grown and Flown, a great online resource for parenting through this next phase of life. They told us to buy this book, and we are ever so grateful they did. Chock full of great research, stellar examples, and good advice, this book is a gem, but what we felt was most helpful was the overall tone. Damour’s message time and time again is that we, as parents, can do this very hard thing of parenting our girls through this tough phase of development.  With the cool confident tone of a priest or a hostage negotiator, Damour emphasizes  that there is more than one way to “get this right.”  Our harried teen mom hearts wish we could clone her and carry her around in our pockets to talk us down off our ledges when the time comes. In the end, this is one book that will deliver all of you to the other side and get you ready for the big, beautiful things that lie ahead.

17. Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by John Krakauer  

This one might make you want to lock up ALL of your college aged kiddos, but you HAVE to read it. You know how we love to talk to kids about everything from sex to drugs to alcohol. Well, Krakauer lays out why we need to talk to our kids about alcohol and campus rape too. YIKES! But why, you ask? WHY?! We get that this is a tough read in many places, but Krakauer’s firm steady journalistic hand makes this one of the best, most important (but still immensely readable) things you can read, especially if you have kids filling out college applications or already cozied up in dorm rooms. It is a book that launched a thousand conversations for us. We are sharing it with you in the hopes that it will do the same in your family. A MUST read!

18. How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims

This, from Julie Lythcott-Haims’ Amazon author page, is one of the reasons we love her and her book:

I am deeply interested in humans – all of us – living lives of meaning and purpose, which requires figuring out what we’re good at and what we love, and being the best version of that self we can be. So I’m interested in what gets in the way of that.

Um, yeah, all of what she said. This is not a book about helicopter parenting, per se, so much as a path through the fears that can interfere with our parenting and foil our relationships with our kids. Lythcott-Haims tells us how we as a society evolved to this style of parenting and how to break the bad habits that threaten the job we are trying to do. Such insight in such a readable form! A book we keep coming back to again and again!

19. The Lake House  by Kate Morton

After a lovely party at the lake house, the Edevane family’s 11 month old son Theo goes missing. Morton’s page turner takes this pivotal moment in a family’s history and creates something special and utterly unputdownable. Told from two vantage points–2003 London and 1930s Cornwall–this book will have you ignoring kids just to figure out what is happening and where this story will go. As always, Morton’s gift for managing complicated story lines while simultaneously creating well-developed characters will make you grateful for all that extra time you have to read.

20. The Quiet Game  by Greg Iles

A good friend recommended this book calling it a “sexy beast of a read”. If you are anything like me, that alone might make you want to read this book, but if it doesn’t, try this: this is a novel that won’t be compartmentalized. A virtual smorgasbord of all good things literary, this book has action, suspense, courtroom drama, some literary allusions, and even a tiny sprinkling of horror toward the end. There are no small bites here; you will devour this book. Without a dull moment in sight, this book grips you from the first sentence and keeps you entertained and hungry for more until it delivers one sad reader at the very end. You will miss these characters and this story when it’s gone. Lucky for all of us, this is book one in a five book series. Read on, book warriors!

21. The Widow by Fiona Barton

Don’t read the dust jacket: this book is neither Gone Girl nor The Girl on the Train, both books we really, really liked even with their creepy, psychological suspense. It IS a great read though. In fact, it reminded us more of Leanne Moriarty’s The Husband’s Secret with the marital secrets and the mystery at the heart of it. Sometimes, multiple points of view can be distracting, but in this case, the structure of the novel contributes to some of the magic. Be forewarned: you could easily lose an afternoon falling down this delightful rabbit hole, but the pay-off is worth it!

22. I Am Malala by Malala Yousafazi

Our book club read this one this year, and we universally loved and were inspired by it. So much so that those of us who had borrowed it from the library purchased copies to share with our kids. We were mesmerized by Malala’s chilling account of her hometown being taken over and then living under extremist terrorists, moved by her descriptions of the Swat Valley where she grew up, and emboldened by her courage. The book held up for us as a read, not just a recounting. 2016 is The Year for Global Girls. Lose yourself in Malala’ s incredible story and find yourself fired up about getting girls all over the world access to educational opportunities.

 23. Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

 We share a huge author crush on Rainbow Rowell. We both LOVED Eleanor & Park and Fangirl, so we had huge expectations for this book, especially because favorite characters from Fangirl show up again in this story. Well, the inimitable Rowell never fails to surprise, entertain, and stun us with her craft and cleverness. She can also give you that rare stomach flip. Even in a book about magic, she is the real deal. Before you start to call this book Harry Potter for big kids, you have to know that this book is its own brand of special. How do we know? Over 500 pages disappear in a flash before your very eyes. This is Rowell at her best. The results? Magical.

24. Bird in Hand by Christina Baker Kline

Erin gobbled this one right up. She even took it backpacking on the Appalachian Trail. Nothing says “must read” like a willingness to cart those extra ounces up and down a mountain. In any case, the novel opens as stay-at-home mom Allison’s life is about to go off the rails. She goes to her childhood best friend’s book signing one night and has a little too much to drink. Mere hours later, she is involved in a fatal accident in which a child dies. The air you take into your lungs in the big gasp in the beginning takes this whole well-paced novel to be released. This may not be high literature, but it is a captivating read that makes you think. Like we said, you are gonna want to take big bites of this one.

25.  Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty

Erin laughed, cried, and ignored her kids for three days to finish this piece of book crack in the big, sloppy gulps it demands. You know from the beginning that there has been a terrible tragedy at the local school’s Trivia Night, because Moriarty leaves little crumbs at the end of each chapter. But that’s not the story here. This is NOT another legal thriller. A big, sprawling character study of modern moms, it may be. An ironic, funny take on modern parenting, it definitely is! It’s also a rollicking good time. You’ll laugh and cringe at just how right Moriarty gets all the characters hanging out in the school parking lot. A great read for fall while still reminiscent of that last joyful moment of summer indulgence.

26. Unbecoming: A Novel by Rebecca Sherm

A book lover’s dream, this first novel has the trifecta for a satisfying read: great well-developed characters, a dynamic and well-paced plot, and some nice curve balls to keep you guessing. Our protagonist Grace looks like a simple girl from Tennessee, but she can’t hide her complex and slippery character for long. You’ll root for her and want to wring her neck in equal measure.  There’s a question that hangs over the novel from the beginning that’s begging to be answered and when Scherm finally gets around to it, you are grateful for the care she took in the build-up as well as the payoff itself. This is a debut that leaves you wanting more.

 27. Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng

Moms of daughters, beware: this read will make you want to lock your girls up and throw away the key. But despite the dark cloud that hangs over this novel as a teen girl goes missing, there is so much to enjoy as well. Ng is a writer’s writer and she doesn’t so much document this family’s unraveling as their personal hell unfolds as invite you to pull at the fraying threads with her. At once, a novel about family, the mother/daughter dynamic, and cultural divides, this book is also achingly real and familiar. The truth hurts so bad in this one, but the reader is so grateful for every perfect note Ng hits. If the ship is going down, we might as well learn something from the trip. Ng makes sure she plumbs the depths so well that this is one dark corner now revealed.

28. Modern Lovers by Emma Straub

Erin always considers it a good thing when she wants to throttle and hug the characters in equal measure. Straub’s story offers up characters that deliver on this front. College bandmates now mellowing in middle age, Elizabeth and Andrew who are married live down the street from old bandmate Zoe and her wife Jane. The band’s fourth member Lydia achieved some success on her own. When a film about Lydia’s life requires them all to touch the past, their present unravels a little at the seams. Straub’s deft hand controls the realistic tensions, steers the careful and realistic examination of midlife, and delivers characters that resonate. A satisfying, well-paced read by a gifted writer.

29. The Nest by Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney

If you can judge a family by its flaws, the Plumbs are a perfect hot mess of a crew. They also couldn’t be more charming. The novel kicks off with the family inheritance in jeopardy after one of the siblings gets himself into hot water. As the four siblings wrestle with the mess left behind, it would be tempting to dismiss them as shallow or lacking substance. However, Sweeney gives each character multiple dimensions. She exposes their humanity and moves the story along. In doing so, their tale of personal woes, family ties, and thwarted ambitions is reminiscent of challenges we all face. A thoroughly entertaining read.

 30. Dept. of Speculation by Jenny Offill

dept-of-speculation-webMarriage isn’t a straight narrative so much as a thousand shimmering moments—beautiful, terrible, and strange—and Offill lays them all out for us in this gripping, lovely book about what it means to take this particular trip. With her unique gift for plucking the extraordinary from the everyday, Offill doesn’t just offer up moments from a marriage but gives us glimpses of the diamonds hidden in the rough patches as well. Offill’s structuring of the story can be the reader’s hard work. Through her careful curation of snippets from the marriage at the heart of this novel, Offill leaves the reader asking on every page—how do these pieces fit together? what does this mean here? Yet it’s these tenuous but important questions that serve the story she is trying to tell and give the reader a satisfying and wonderful read. 


We hope these page turners will make it easier to thrill any readers on your list.

Of course, you could just print this list out and hope they end up under your own tree.

Either way, here’s to Happy Holidays and  Reading!

Erin and Ellen

This post contains Amazon affiliate links, so we get a little compensation for all of our book love.
We just reinvest in books, so don’t get too jealous.

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Ask This One Question to Make Family Weekend a Success

Fall is in the air! In the past that just meant trips to the corn maze, hot apple cider, and pumpkin spice everything. And while it’s still all about these niceties, if you’re the parents of a college freshman, it now means you get to see your baby during Family Weekend!

Family Weekend is the lifeline many of us hang onto after we drop our kids off at the dorms, especially if they are our oldest, and ESPECIALLY if they are far away. “Just two weeks, seven days, and fifteen hours until I get to see/hug/smooch my girl!” I would market the heck out of a countdown clock if I didn’t think the added hype would break some poor momma’s heart even more.

What am I talking about? Hear that faint noise whistling below the rustle of leaves and the honking of geese? Like air leaking out of a balloon? Well, if you’re within earshot of said parents of a brand spanking new freshman, that’s the sound of high expectations for Family Weekend deflating. Or maybe it’s coming from you as you stand in the middle of that pricey campus with nothing to do and no idea where your offspring even is.

See, not all Family Weekends are created equal. Some are extensively orchestrated affairs that would make cruise directors weep with pride. Others are steeped in vague suggestions like “check out the soccer game, have lunch in the dining hall, then enjoy the city.” Neither one guarantees a great weekend. While it sounds good to have a full dance card, it could dupe you into touring the third floor of the research library instead of hanging with your kid on her break between classes. But on the other hand, “enjoy the city” translates roughly into “better spend tons of time on the internet finding something to do besides eating cafeteria tator tots.”

But by asking your student one question, you can transcend events, schedules, and the particularities of their college to ensure that everyone gets a needed boost from the visit. For you: time with your child you have been missing so much. For your kid: moments of unconditional love where they can bask and relax.

There's so much anticipation surrounding visiting your freshman in college that the weekend can actually flop. Ask this one question to make family weekend a success. | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Are you ready for the magic words? Drum roll please . . .

When and how can you spend time with us during this weekend?

Simple, right? It’s so simple, it’s often overlooked. Here is why this question is the key to everything.

  1. Your kid has a whole new life. While there continues to be space in your home life for them, their college life has been created without you. There is no place for you to pick up where you left off. The time and space for your visit has to be crafted.
  2. Your kid probably doesn’t know the event schedule. More often than not, YOU’VE been getting the Family Weekend emails, not them. They are just trying to navigate their classes, and maybe a social event or twenty.
  3. Family Weekend is not a national holiday. While you have these dates blocked off in Sharpie on your calendar, your kids’ professors and bosses do not. Class deadlines and work schedules do not break for this weekend.
  4. Your child is hosting you, but they may not realize it. Just like you had to teach your little darling to say please and thank you, you need to teach him how to manage visitors. More than likely, they are use to following your plans, and it’s really not self-explanatory how to take over the reins.

So how do you teach them to host you? Most importantly, start a couple of weeks in advance, or at least allow time for more than one discussion. Don’t put them on the spot. No perfect weekend ever came out of that. Just like everything in parenting, take baby steps.

  1. Forget the word “perfect” and adjust your mindset. I’ve throw it around a couple of times here, but now it’s time to throw that expectation out. Ahhh. Doesn’t that feel better? Also, throw out the notion of spending every minute together (or that you have to attend the scheduled events). It bears repeating that you have to honor their schedules, commitments, and new life. And while we’re tossing things to the curb, also school yourself to not assume anything. Your mantra should be “Clarify Everything.” Ohmmmm.
  2. Ask your kid if she has seen the schedule for Family Weekend. She probably has not. Offer to forward it to her so you can decide together how to make it work.
  3. Follow-up that email. Text your kid and ask him to call you when he can talk about Family Weekend. This conversation is when you ask, “When and how can you spend time with us during this weekend?” Do not expect finalized plans. This is why you started this ball rolling early.
  4. Follow-up until you have a plan. Ask for realism, honesty, and consideration in your discussions. Always remember that this is a learning experience for you all. Ask your kid if they want to stay with you in the hotel or in the dorms. They may want a break from the bunk beds or they may want to go back to the action. Decide if you want to take any of their friends out for a meal and be very clear about what time is purely family time. Also, ask if you can see their dorm room if that is on your list of “must dos;” don’t just assume entry without warning. It seriously may not cross their minds that you would want to see it again and you WANT to give them time to clean up. You need to respect that it is also their roommate’s space.
  5. The best plans are flexible. All of that planning is the key to success, but don’t be a slave to it. There are no gold stars to be had, only good memories. Scheduled events aren’t really fun? Scrap them. You just saw a banner for an apple festival and you all are dying for some pie? Make time for it.

I present this advice to you because it worked for my family. We made our first night in town strictly for family, then took a group of her friends out to brunch and shoe shopping (which turned out to be my favorite). On Saturday we didn’t even see her because it was her first big rivalry football game and she wanted to be a part of all of the festivities, including sitting in the student section. We went to the game (I LOVE college football), but watched from the parents’ section.

There's so much anticipation surrounding visiting your freshman in college that the weekend can actually flop. Ask this one question to make family weekend a success. | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

She slept in her dorm, but hung out with us at our hotel on Sunday enjoying the food and the privacy of the luxurious bathroom (“I don’t have to wear shower shoes!”). We visited her dorm room during the middle of the day when her roommate was out.

While it was not a perfect weekend, everyone’s expectations were perfectly met because we assumed nothing, respected our daughter’s new life, and discussed how we were going to fit into it. I still can’t wipe the smile off of my face.

What was your experience with Family Weekend?

-Ellen 

 

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How to Cope When Your Kid Goes to College

When your kids go to college, it leaves a hole in your heart, in your home, in your everyday. Yes, they are not gone forever, and this is the natural progression of life, buuuuttttt, there is an undeniable void left behind. Or at least there are less shoes to trip over by the door. You can fill this space with a new job, more volunteering, a trip to the shoe store, or maybe even with another heartbeat. Relax! We’re not suggesting a visit from the stork, but a visit to your local animal shelter just might be the ticket. Apparently when your kid goes to college, it’s not uncommon to add to your furry brood. Our story is more than a tale of two pound puppies, it’s about the lengths two moms will go to cope with their kids flying the coop to college.

How to cope when your kid goes to college. It's more than a tale of two pound puppies; it's the lengths moms will go to deal with kids flying the coop. | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Erin’s Story: Our dog adventure began as a parenting cautionary tale. My kids were jonesing hard for a dog long before my oldest began filling out college applications, but my youngest son, in the way of wiley family bookends, set the putsch in motion. He asked if he won the Citizenship Award at school if we could get a dog. Now, the first thing you need to know is that my youngest, while sweet, dear, and loved, is not always model student material. The second thing is that I’m not the girl you want to take to Vegas with you, because I thought we were a couple of frozen layers of hell away from my son getting this particular honor. So I took the parenting sucker bet and said, “Absolutely.” Well, ole sonny boy straightened up real good, real quick; so much so his halo was veritably shining.

Within the month, he pinned his bright new award to his shirt and marched home victoriously to show us. It turned out to be just what we needed right when we needed it most. His award came when we were in the middle of a deep familial funk over missing our biggest brother. In lieu of some plans to steal big brother back from college, we all cuddled up to the idea of a new four-legged family member. How to cope when your kid goes to college. It's more than a tale of two pound puppies; it's the lengths moms will go to deal with kids flying the coop. Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms We had a couple of roadblocks ahead of us though. One was the insane adoption process (Ellen will explain about it more below. I can’t even. Really. It  almost broke me.) The other was our crazy spring schedule that would end in a big international family trip to my brother’s wedding. As much as we wanted a dog five minutes ago, we decided to postpone the arrival of our new fur-baby until post-Cancun.

Unfortunately, when we arrived at the rescue to meet our perfect, made-just-for-us pup (so perfect he was even named Luke Skywalker!), we were heartbroken to discover that he had been adopted by someone else. Lucky for us, Ellie decided that we were hers and she adopted us on the spot. Bigger than we wanted, younger than we wanted, and a little (read: way more, like a crazy lot more) high energy than we wanted, she also turned out to be just what we needed. And even despite the fact she just ate the baseball glove my husband has had for 33 years, we would adopt her again.

How to cope when your kid goes to college. It's more than a tale of two pound puppies; it's the lengths moms will go to deal with kids flying the coop. Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

And now there’s just one more face that’s happy to see you when you are home for Fall Break!

Ellen’s Story: It began as a joke between my youngest daughter and I as the oldest of my two was rapidly approaching her high school graduation. Maybe it was because Erin was talking about getting a dog, maybe it was because we could sense the impending sucking void in our household that would yawn wide when Coco blasted off to college, but we started saying, “We need a dog, a replacement Coco, a Re-Coco, if you will.” Well, jokes became discussions, discussions became research, and research set off plans. Well, for my youngest and me that is. Coco just shook her head at us, her attention focused on the distant shores of the University of Miami. And my husband? His battle cry became, “But we have a cat!”

How to cope when your kid goes to college. It's more than a tale of two pound puppies; it's the lengths moms will go to deal with kids flying the coop. | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Why? WHY!?

And we do have a cat. An adorable, beautiful, fluffy princess named Pebbles that is just, well, a cat. She gives some love in the morning, but that about taps her out for the rest of the 24 hour cycle. Sparkle, the cat we had before her—that my kids grew up with and thought was the norm—was really more of a dog. She would greet us as we came home by jumping up at the door then flopping on her back, follow us from room to room, and settle down to sleep with my youngest every night, nocturnal rhythms be damned.

See? We had already lost a measure of love three years ago with the passing of Sparkle, we were not willing to have Coco exit the scene without topping off our furry love mug. Plans did not turn into action though until my husband and I went down to the University of Miami family weekend. Seeing Coco in her element and being away from the bustle and grind of daily life brought about the magic words I was waiting to hear from my him, “Coco has this, you all need a dog.” That was all it took. We got back from Miami and I started searching rescues and shelters like it was my job . . . if my job lasted ten hours per day.

Prior to our trip, I had been scouring Petfinder and Adopt-a-Pet sending in one application at a time when I found a dog bio that met our criteria: around twenty-five pounds (Corgi mixes were high on our list), good with kids and cats, and willing to dole out the love. I did this for the month and a half after dropping Coco off at school, either never hearing from the organizations or being told the animal had already been adopted. I was starting to think that catfishing was a given in the adoption game: “Oh you’re inquiring about that adorable little Corgi with the lopsided grin?” He was adopted 5 minutes ago, but could I interest you in a 100 pound mastiff that chews on felines for fun?” We were dragging on a Tinder merry-go-round of find the perfect pet, swipe right, craft application essays, have heart broken, repeat. Coco applied to college in less time than it took me to fill out some of these applications (“what is my doggie parenting philosophy??”), but I dropped everything else and focused on following links and scouring Facebook to find new rescues so I could get applications in as soon as I found suitable dogs.

Then at the end the week, I stumbled upon First State Animal Center and SPCA, a more traditional shelter, and they had just updated their new rescues on Facebook. I saw Pumpkin and was in the car within 5 minutes to see her. Well, Pumpkin was indeed there, but she bared her teeth, growled at me, then cowered in the corner shivering. It was less than a match made in heaven. But there was this one dog, one that never even barked when the rest of the kennel run was rioting. I took her to the meet and greet room without even reading her description, where she jumped up on the bench, lay her head in my lap, and the rest was history. Meet Roxie. The sweetest dog with the worst bio in the shelter: noisy, not good with kids, returned twice, 5 years old, and previously heartworm positive. None of those negative personality attributes on her profile were accurate. At all. The vet even said she looked more like she was 3 than 5. In the end, the words didn’t matter, only the love. Before her, I didn’t even know a pug and beagle mix was a thing, but now I know why puggle rhymes with snuggle. How to cope when your kid goes to college. It's more than a tale of two pound puppies; it's the lengths moms will go to deal with kids flying the coop. Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms And guess what? She’s not stingy with her love! Within minutes of Coco coming home for fall break, she was cuddling with her! How to cope when your kid goes to college. It's more than a tale of two pound puppies; it's the lengths moms will go to deal with kids flying the coop. Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms And I’ll let you in on a little secret. The dog didn’t replace Coco, it’s there to cushion the blow when my youngest leaves the nest. It’s good to have plans.

How to cope when your kid goes to college. It's more than a tale of two pound puppies; it's the lengths moms will go to deal with kids flying the coop. | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

So if sending a kid to a university is in your near future, take note of our “How to Cope When Your Kid Goes to College” plan. It’s cheaper than therapy, healthier than chocolate, and infinitely cuter and snugglier. But you better start applying now.

-Erin and Ellen

Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.

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Soothe Away Your Cold with Saline and a Giveaway

Cough and cold season is here, and I’m teaming up with Boogie Wipes and Saline Soothers to help you and your family feel better faster with a Cough & Cold Giveaway.

You know I feel strongly about these products (and saline) if you read How to Treat a Cold: The Myth of Boosting Your Immune System. Saline Soothers were in my care package to my college freshman with walking pneumonia. While I wasn’t happy to be away from my girl when she was sick, I’m glad to give you even more tips and the chance to win some amazing merchandise.

When Kids Get Sick

From the first sniffle to feeling downright sick, Boogie Wipes has tips, tricks and hacks to guide you through the entire cough and cold season (including great information on how to keep germs from spreading between siblings!)

Click here to read through their cough and cold survival guide and be prepared for the season.

cc_survivalboogie_lowtext

When YOU Get Sick

It’s bad enough when your kids aren’t feeling well, but when you aren’t feeling well, it’s downright miserable. While there’s no cure for the common cold, Saline Soothers Nose Wipes provide soothing comfort for sore noses with Natural Saline, Vitamin E, Aloe and Chamomile.

Click here to learn more about Saline Soothers and grab a coupon.

where-to-purchase

It All Comes Down to Saline

Whether you reach for Saline Soothers or grab your kids’ Boogie Wipes, it all comes down to Natural Saline. The Natural Saline in both products loosens mucus, while the Vitamin E, Aloe and Chamomile soothe and comfort even the most sensitive skin. Click here to learn more about the benefits of all-natural saline.

Enter to Win!

Stock up on your cough and cold supplies so you’re ready when sickness strikes this season. Complete the form below to enter to win! (Click here to enter if you do not see the form.)

One winner will be randomly chosen to receive Boogie Wipes, Saline Soothers, Burt’s Bees cough drops, Purell hand sanitizer, DavidsTea Cold 911 tea and color-changing mug, plus a $100 Target gift card.

Giveaway ends on Monday, November 21, 2016 at 11:59 pm ET. Giveaway is open to residents in US and Canada over the age of 18. If winner lives in Canada, alternate gift card will be provided of same value.

-Ellen

Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.

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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

 

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How to Treat a Cold: The Myth of Boosting Your Immune System

How to Treat a Cold: The Myth of Boosting Your Immune System . . .BUSTED! Saline Soothers, fluids, and sleep are your health's best friends. | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Okay, I’m tapping on the glass over my M.D. for this one because it’s cold season and if one more person recommends a supplement they swear will supercharge my immune system and stop my sniffles in their tracks I’m going to . . . write a blog post about it and find someone to pay me for my wisdom.

“But Ellen,” you say, “EVERYONE knows that when a cold strikes, you should take all the things to boost your immunity.” Right?

Wrong.

The more rotten your cold, the more evidence you have that your immune system is hitting on all cylinders. That congestion isn’t all about the mucous. In fact, it’s not even mostly about it. It’s about inflammation—leaky blood vessels bringing immune cell fighters and their deadly ammunition of cytokines to your nose and throat, thus swelling the tissues and making you feel miserable. See, your body takes a sort of scorched earth approach to fighting invaders. Inflammation is super effective at killing germs, but let’s just say it doesn’t care a snot about the collateral damage: your stuffy nose, watery eyes, and scratchy throat.

Colds are well, so common, that everyone thinks they know everything about them; enough so that they will dispense their unsolicited advice like wadded up tissues from the bottom of their purses. I’m not calling your Aunt Betty’s cat sitter a liar, I’m just saying she might not fully understand the science. Everyone has a success story for treatment because the course of the common cold is the perfect backdrop to make it seem like they’re working.

  1. Opportunity. There are over a billion colds suffered every year, and the same person can suffer more than one per season. This gives plenty of chances for people to “test” out their cures and seem to have them work every once in a while.
  2. Difference in virulence. There are over 200 viruses that cause colds and they are not all created equal. Less virulent or potent viruses produce colds that don’t last as long and don’t make you feel as rotten. Your milder cold has nothing to do with what you took. Rather it has everything to do with what strain you were infected with.
  3. Duration of infection. This has to do with virulence as discussed above, but bears some mention of its own. On average, a cold lasts 7 to 10 days, but that means the range of duration is anywhere from 3 to 18 days. So if last month you had an 18 day cold and this time you had a 5 day cold, you’re going to think that whatever you took made the difference.
  4. Number of colds per year. The number of colds you contract decreases as you get older. A child under 2 years of age can get as many as 8 to 10 colds per year because their immune system is “less experienced.” You don’t keep getting the same cold—your body has memory immune cells to stop what it has already seen—you keep getting fresh ones out of the hundreds lurking around. This means as you get older, there are just less “new” cold viruses out there that can bring you down. Your lack of illness has nothing to do with the vitamin horse pill you have choked down every morning for the past 10 years and everything to do with the odds.

Sooooo, what do you do? There is no cure. It’s really about alleviating the symptoms. No medication—even a natural, herbal one—is without side effects and special indications for people with pre-existing conditions like high blood pressure and diabetes. Therefore, I’m going to stick to natural remedies anyone can practice. Bonus: they are cheap and effective.

Treatment

  1. Fluids. “Keep hydrated!” is such a battle cry because it’s true. Water makes every process in your body go ’round and a few days without it is deadly. Water is the best choice, but if you feel like hot tea and chicken soup soothes you, go for it. Just avoid caffeinated beverages because they can dehydrate you by speeding up the water processing going on in the kidneys.
  2. Humidity. Either cool mist humidifiers or steam vaporizers can fill the air with cough and cold soothing moisture. One is no better than the other because the water vapor is the same temperature by the time it reaches your nose from either device. However if there are young children around, choose a cool mist humidifier so there is no danger of burns from the machine. A steamy shower works well, too.
  3. Nasal TLC. Relieving cracked and swollen nasal passages will make you feel better and it’s a solid step in preventing your next cold (more on that in a minute). Doctors swear by neti pots and saline sprays, but I find them almost impossible to use when I am stuffed up. Remember what I told you before about most of your misery coming from swelling and irritation and not mucous? It means “flushing the cold out” is not really possible. I prefer using Saline Soothers Nose Wipes. They feel so good and are completely fragrance free. They are so soft to your nose, not sticky and clammy like those moisturized tissues, although you can use them like a tissue. Plus, they’re much more portable than a neti pot.How to Treat a Cold: The Myth of Boosting Your Immune System . . .BUSTED! Saline Soothers, fluids, and sleep are your health's best friends. | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
  4. Gargle. There’s that saline again (because it’s pretty great). Gargling with warm salt water can soothe an irritated throat.
  5. Ice packs. This is an often overlooked treatment that is so, so good. Laying a cold compress for 10 minutes across your nose, sinuses, and eyes can make you go, “Ahhhhhh.”
  6. Sleep. It allows your body to heal and work optimally. More on this in the prevention section.

So while you can find some relief, there is no “magic bullet” cold cure. Prevention is always a solid idea.

Prevention

  1. Nasal TLC. Told you I would get back to this. You can get a “new” cold by a different virus on the heels of your “old” cold. In fact, you’re a rundown set-up for it. Preventing your nasal passageways from cracking means preventing easy access for invaders. Saline Soothers works great for this, too.
  2. Hand washing. Colds are spread by touching secretions from an infected person and then touching your eyes, nose, or mouth. Unfortunately, cold viruses can linger on hard indoor surfaces and still cause disease for up to 24 hours. Washing your hands in the best way to fight this, but YOU MUST WASH FOR AT LEAST 20 SECONDS, so cue up “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” in your head . . . or out loud. I won’t judge; I’ll just be glad you’re washing your hands. Washing under running water is best. You’re trying to physically remove the viruses. Plain soap is fine because antibacterial soaps don’t attack viruses, just bacteria. Hand sanitizers work well IF they are at least 60% alcohol. Rubbing the sanitizer around for 30 seconds ensures good coverage. Make sure to get under nails when using either soap or sanitizer.
  3. Exercise. Studies show that exercise decreases the ICAM-1 receptors on the surface of your cells that allow cold viruses to enter and infect you. Exercise also decreases stress hormones allowing your immune system to function optimally.
  4. Sleep. One well-constructed study shows people who regularly sleep 6 hours or less each night are 4 times more likely to get a cold than people who sleep just an hour longer. To summarize the findings simply, 7 to 8 hours of sleep allows your immune system to cycle through and recharge: the cells work better and the proteins they use to fight infection are more plentiful.

Yes, sleep and exercise sound like they can boost your immune system. I didn’t say that your immune system couldn’t be optimized, I said there wasn’t a magic pill or supplement to boost it. Plus, their real effectiveness is on the prevention side. Once, a cold is in full swing, you have to ride it out. Sorry.

-Ellen 

You may have picked up on that Saline Soothers is one of my favorite things to use to fight my cold symptoms and prevent another cold from attacking me. They were kind enough to pay me for this post, but my words and the knowledge behind them are all thanks to my medical degree.

I just love Saline Soothers because they are so soothing (it’s in the name), they don’t have any scent or harsh ingredients, and they are so thick, I don’t feel like I have mucous soaking through to my hands. You can try them for yourself using this nifty coupon at your local Walgreens.

How to Treat a Cold: The Myth of Boosting Your Immune System . . .BUSTED! Saline Soothers, fluids, and sleep are your health's best friends. | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

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