Tag Archives: school

Helicopter Parents: Your Time Is Up

Ellen – Helicopter Parenting.

Erin – Is Helicopter Parenting still even a topic? I feel like we were talking about this when our high schoolers were PRE-schoolers.

Ellen – Oh, the Helicopters are out in force, kicking up debris and whipping my bun past the point of stylishly messy. The problem is no one thinks they are THAT parent.

Hovering is not just limited to hiding in the bushes outside of your darling’s classroom.

Erin –The REAL problem is that middle and high schoolers are still being managed like five year olds, and those helicopter parents have transformed into “jet-powered turbo attack models.”

Ellen– We get that it is hard as a parent to pull back and realize your role as a parent is shifting.

Erin – Sideline sitting when you are used to being right in the action is hard for everyone. But the truth is that your child’s esteem is built in the small moments. It may seem easier to remove every obstacle in your child’s way and hover over the minutiae of their lives, but that loses sight of the end game.

Ellen – Every time you solve a small potatoes problem for your child, you rob your child of the chance to learn from their failures. You rob them of developing resilience.

Erin – Furthermore, you are sending the message loud and clear: You can’t handle this. I don’t trust you. You need me to fix this for you.

Ellen – So assuming that most parents don’t even realize they are swooping, let’s shine a spotlight on . . .

The Stealth Helicopter Parent

FLIGHT PATTERN 1

The Perception:

I don’t hover. My middle schooler is allowed to pick out her own clothes and even choose what goes into her lunch.

The Reality:

You are allowing your child to make choices, but are you letting your child make decisions to solve problems?

The Example:

Ellen – I chaperoned for my daughter’s sixth grade overnight environmental camp. My group of girls was lucky enough to have a fabulous educator who not only taught the girls about the Chesapeake Bay, but showed them they had the power to figure things out. On their own.

Right after introductions, she asked the girls to count off. There were about eighteen of them, and they all just shouted out random numbers in unison.

The other chaperones around me twitched and started to jump in. But the educator was prepared for this, because she just held up her hands and firmly declared, “They can do this.”

Before succeeding, they made two more failed attempts, prompting a mother next to me to mutter, “This is ridiculous.”

I replied, “How so?”

“I just don’t have the patience for this. Just count them off and get on with the lesson,” she replied,clearly agitated.

I replied, “This IS the lesson.”

The Problem:

When you don’t let kids work through tasks and proceed through their failed attempts, you end up with kids that can’t even make simple decisions without checking in.

“Miss Ellen, where should I put my clothes while I take a shower?” Really??

FLIGHT PATTERN 2

The Perception:

I don’t do everything for my kids. My 12 year old has a chore chart. He must check off every box or he doesn’t get his allowance. He earns his gold stars.

The Reality:

Chore charts are great for teaching young children what needs to be done. They are wonderful at BUILDING competence, but at some point a child should know what his responsibilities are and be able to follow through when there is no box to be checked and no adult to please.

The Example:

Erin — Recently, as chair of a school fundraising dinner, I had not one, but two, different adults come over to commend me on my fabulous hard-working middle-schooler. What earned him his 5 star review? He refilled the napkins and the silverware BY HIMSELF. WITHOUT being asked or directed by an adult. Many of the other kids just stopped setting places when the napkin and silverware bins were empty.

The Problem:

Really, this just makes us sad. How far we have fallen that the concept of an 11 year old displaying simple competence warrants such high praise? We need to expect more and stop accepting less. At some point, kids should not be working for gold stars but for the pleasure of a job well-done. Kids should be empowered to analyze what needs to be done, and then DO IT.

FLIGHT PATTERN 3

The Perception:

Well, it’s not like I’m writing my fourth grader’s essays for him.

The Reality:

But how much of a crutch are you for him in his schoolwork? Really?

The Example:

Erin – I just let my 4th grader fail a science test, because he didn’t bring home his book to study. The big problem was that he didn’t care that he forgot it. When I voiced my concerns, he blew me off with a simple “I’ll be fine, Mom.” Did I drive him back to school to retrieve the book? Did we call a friend to ask for notes? Did we troll the internet for study guides? Nope, and while it was hard to watch his heart break when he showed us the big red “F” on his test, he was rocked by the experience. He has taken the reins and been charting his own course for success ever since.

The Problem:

Swooping in to solve a problem that a child doesn’t even care about just perpetuates the notion that he doesn’t HAVE to care, you’ll fix it for him. Caring takes effort. Letting a child experience how crappy failure feels SHOWS them that the effort to succeed is worth it. Elementary school is also a great place to not just learn school lessons, but life lessons as well. The stakes are low here, so failure is a perfectly acceptable option AS LONG AS you LEARN from it.

FLIGHT PATTERN 4

The Defense:

When we have a test, I have to make sure my middle schooler studies. There is nothing wrong with that.

The Reality:

“WE” have a test? Give your child the tools to succeed, but then turn them loose to use them at their discretion.

The Example:

Ellen – Last year, my eighth grader decided that despite all she had been taught and shown, she was going to study for her Geometry test by flipping through proofs on the computer instead of working out problems.

I said, “This is not how you have been taught to study. This is not going to work, but I am now going to walk away and let you make your own decision.”

I painfully tore myself away. And she received a D . . . plus. But from that point forward, she started to be a true believer in proper study habits. I now have a freshman who is succeeding under her own steam with the permanent transcript recording away.

The Problem:

Taking responsibility for your child’s wins and losses takes away two things: 1) The opportunity to learn when she fails and 2) The opportunity to celebrate when she wins. Think of yourself as the water boy instead of the quarterback. Give the field back to your kid.

Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” If you’re not going to let them find even ONE way to fail, then your kids are never going to get their light bulb moments.

Erin– So here is OUR big “Ah-Ha moment”. . .

Ellen – When you accept that you are prepping human beings for life on their own and not crafting reflections of yourself, it makes it a whole lot easier to get out of that pilot seat you may not have even known you were in.

Erin– Self-realization is a beautiful thing. So move on over and out and get your fannies over to air traffic control. Your job isn’t over, but your child’s needs have shifted. They need you to provide safe skies where they can fly on their own, but they have GOT this.

Ellen – So hand over those controls. The best parents work themselves out of a job.

But if you want to keep the conversation going about Helicopter Parenting, what it is doing to our kids, and how you can avoid the “flight plans”, we recommend Elizabeth Kolbert’s wonderful essay from The New Yorker, “Why do Kids Rule the Roost?”. We look forward to reading Madeline Levine’s new book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success.

Share it real good . . .

Back to School: The Rest of the Story

30 Replies

Stasha at Monday Listicles asked us to make a list about school. Quite frankly, we have been too busy to have time for the requisite cartwheels and high-fiving, but we see you, Carpool Moms, celebrating with your barely concealed glee and we say, “Meh, we’ll catch ya next year.”

We COULD have made lists of the back-to-school necessities which almost required a bridge loan. With 5 kids back to school this year, Erin’s monetary expenditures over the last month rivaled the GDP of some small countries.

We COULD have gone on about the myriad ways in which we procrastinated at the business of back-to-school and how that came back to bite us. Thank goodness for overnight shipping and generous return policies!

We COULD have poked fun at the Pinterest boards full of Bento boxes, healthy lunches, and back-to-school ideas all of which anyone living with an actual child has no time to do.

But like we said before, things have been a little hectic around here so our Monday Listicle is going to showcase what we’ve been doing since the kids went back to school.

Channelling our inner Paul Harveys, “This is the rest of the story.”

1. Ellen spent last week as a New York City nanny for a New York minute to her 3 year old nephew. She saw how the other side lives, this time as a City Mom rather than a Country Mom. She hung at the Central Park Zoo and the American Museum of Natural History. We might have lost her to this urban oasis if she could hang in Central Park all day, the temperature never went below 55 degrees, and the taxi prices weren’t about to go up 17%. And, oh yeah, her family in Maryland falling apart without their fearless leader.

2. Two days before school started, Erin got a job! After a 14 year baby-raising hiatus, she is officially back in the classroom as a teacher. It’s a dream part-time gig at her kids’ school. In fact, the only better job for her might be driving the karma bus, but as it seems that THIS gig actually pays, she is pretty happy about this new change.

3. Barely unpacked from her nanny gig, Ellen repacked and headed out into our local environs to play camp counselor for a week with the sixth-graders at her daughter’s middle school. Apparently, a summer spent kayaking, canoeing, hiking, and camping with her crew and all of ours wasn’t enough—she wanted to do it all with other people’s tweens. To further underline what a rock star move this is, we are sharing this card with Ellen’s philosophy on camping.

4. On the home front, Erin showed her homework center who was boss. She was not going to be taken down by chewed up pencils and errant pencil grips anymore. If you have a handful of kids, you know this was no small feat, so we are mentioning it. And yes, we would appreciate some nodding in solidarity and even a little shout-out for taking the time. Erin’s kids are not nearly as impressed as they should be.

5. In a similar vein, Ellen liberated her Tupperware drawer. She cleared out ALL of the old and replaced it with ten dollars worth of matching Rubbermaid. Don’t judge. You know you wish this is what your Tupperware drawer looked like. Feel free to pin this on to your “Genius” board.

Okay, there are a few disposable Ziplocs left because those darn kids are always losing them at lunch.

6. Erin bought new brakes for her car, because while a “Soccer Mom with no brakes” sounds like a great punchline, it could get ugly and dangerous pretty quick.

7. On the SAME day, Erin bought a new water softener system, because if things are going to get ugly, they might as well get expensive and messy and stressful as well. Thank goodness we keep wine and Cheez-its around for just these occasions.

8. On the other side of town, Ellen’s lawn mower broke with her lawn half-mowed. These things tend to come in threes. But usually to the same person. Perhaps Ellen and Erin are spending too much time together.

9. Because Erin JUST got her job, she is still on the hook for some of the volunteering gigs she was doing BEFORE the big change. This means that she spent the better part of a week hunting down suppliers for 100 lbs of mushrooms and 80 lbs of cabbage for her kids’ school, hounding local businesses to sponsor her cub scouts’ pushcart race, and helping her son who is in the final stages of finishing his Eagle Scout project. Don’t tell her that she needs to slow down. Don’t tell her that she needs a break. She knows. She KNOWS.

10. Oh, and a fair amount of time was spent working on the blog, which was not an afterthought AT ALL, but the thing we talked about in every spare moment NOT driving kids to practice, helping them with homework, and doing all of the other things we did since school started.

And now you know the rest of the story.

Erin and Ellen

Share it real good . . .

The DOs and DON’Ts of SuperMommas

51 Replies

Is it a bird, a plane? No, it’s Yeah Write Me #45! We’ve linked up, so grab your cape and click on over for some good reading.

Ellen– We are Moms, and we have mad Superhero skills: able to wipe noses, check Geometry, and bandage knees in a single bound. We got the capes, we just don’t wear them all the time. They get buried under the day-to-day-ness of our lives.

Okay, so maybe she does look like she could kick some booty. We just like ours covered.

Erin– But you know what? Even Superman needed to change into a cape and boots and style that little spit-curl on his forehead to signal that he meant business. We decided against comparing ourselves to Wonder Woman here. Who really conquers the world in a bustier with her bum hanging out? Except for Lady Gaga, of course.

Ellen– So not too long ago, Erin found herself smack dab in the middle of a day where her SuperMomma powers were needed and she was most definitely not sporting her cape. In fact, she was not even sporting a shower.

Erin– I was coming into Book Club late because I had been good and gone to Cardio Kettlebell. If I had stopped to take a shower, I would not have been able to grace you all with my presence. But truthfully, what I needed was the Sisterhood’s advice.

I began spilling my story the minute I walked through the door. I was having a problem at Charlie’s (11) school. Charlie got my family’s dyslexia gene, and the plan we had in place for him had gone off the rails. He was deeply unhappy and flailing. I was springing into action mode.

Ellen– The Sisterhood responded immediately with full-on support and advice. The Sisterhood is for real, people—not a gimmick.

Erin– They had great advice (they really are a wise, wonderful bunch). When they finished, I was on my way. I know my school and they know me. I practically have a reserved parking spot out front. I had one foot out the door.

Sisterhood– “Where are you going?”

Erin– “I’m heading over to school.”

Sisterhood- “NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ellen– Remember that Erin had said she had come straight from Cardio Kettlebell?

An unkind Sister might have pointed out that she was one degree south of disgusting. A really unkind Sister might have taken issue with the sweaty ponytail, sweaty workout gear, and grimy sneakers. To put it kindly, she was far from ready to throw on that cape and boots.

Erin– I was Super-Mom-On-A-Mission. I was used to talking to Charlie’s teachers about his needs. This was going to be the first time I spoke with them about how they weren’t meeting them.

Ellen– The Sisterhood barricaded the front door and reminded us all that sometimes our superpowers have to be advertised by our appearances and actions.

The Dos and Don’ts of SuperMommas

DO Make An Appointment. If you need one for your hair or your teeth, you should probably consider making one for discussing important information about your kids. You are stepping out of your usual role. You mean business, and business requires appointments.

DON’T Do a Drive-By, Drop-In, or Aside. This is going to take more than five minutes. Make sure they have time for you.

DO Wear Clothes From Your Former Fancier Life. That pretty shirt, the gorgeous cashmere sweater, even the tailored jacket lingering in the closet can get dusted off for this occasion. They don’t just remind you of the life you used to lead, before you spent your days packing lunches and changing diapers, they signal to everyone else that you STILL have a life and you are darn good at managing it. If you do choose jeans because that is who you are and you are going to keep it real, they better be the ones you would wear to the $45-per-entrée restaurant. But even $98 lululemon yoga pants aren’t right for this occassion.

All these boots say is, "I have a large stack of dollar bills."

DON’T Wear Shoes Out of Your Teenager’s Closet. You know what we mean. Uggs, flip-flops, and running shoes are comfy and they have their place, obviously, but not when you are trying to make a point. But never Crocs. Not to be shallow, but your shoes talk. Nothing says power like a heel. And boots are made for talking. As long as they aren’t red vinyl.

Stylish: yes. School appropriate for the rest of us: no.

DO Cover Up. For the love of Britney Spears, no crack, cleavage, or midriff should be getting prime time.

Also, do not put on anything ripped or distressed or cut-off. We know they are trendy, but unless you live in Beverly Hills, it is likely your principal will think you are a hobo or just finished cleaning out the minivan. And just to emphasize: NO SKIN.

DON’T Ignore Your Hair. Consider pulling out the blowdryer for this occasion. Stick the babies in front of Sesame Street for twenty minutes, find some uncongealed product, and get smoothing. Nothing says I’ve got my SuperMomma groove on like some shiny locks. Let’s face it, ponytail on the top of your head says I’m ready for spin class or to turn the compost pile. It does not say, “Hey, take me seriously.”

And for the love of Gwen Stefani, no pigtails. We know she can rock them, but if you’re over 30, do you really wanna go there anyway?

Hello, Stranger. From the looks of you, it's been awhile.

DO Come Prepared. Bring your papers. You are not crossing the border, but you are entering new territory—respect the boundaries. If you are referencing policy, testing, grades, or plans, bring them with you.

DON’T Pull These Papers Out of an Overstuffed Purse. Receipts, snacks, sippy cups, and McDonald’s spilling everywhere doesn’t really convey that you have your act together.

No judgement. You could pull this stuff out of Ellen's purse right now.

DO Wear Some Make-Up. Rolling out of bed is fine for carpool line, but the harsh light of the principal’s office might make you look haggard, tired, and out of it. Mascara and lip gloss say, “I mean business.” I took the time, so you should give me yours.

DON’T Take It This Far:

Do Stay Focused. Stick to the problem at hand. Superman has laser beam focus and so should you. Present your problem concisely and calmly. Use notes if you need to and even feel free to print out copies for the teacher or principal. Then you can all be on the same page. Literally.

DON’T Go Off on Tangents. Don’t bring up anything about your other kids, past grievances, or ask if the construction paper has been ordered for the Penguin Craft Party .

With this kind of focus, you could also put in that new skylight.

DO Bring Your Best, Most Polite Self. Use proper titles even if you use first names often. Why not acknowledge something that has been done well? It does no harm to put someone at ease so that they are receptive to what you have to say. You get nothing by making the teacher look bad, so no name calling—not ever!! Sticks and stones may break your bones, but nastiness will sink your cause. If the words“You need to…” come out of your mouth, you have NOT muzzled your inner Momma Bear.

DON’T Bring Younger Kids or Pets. Young kids make it hard to focus. Have you noticed? And a Chihuahua in a purse (or sticking out of the neck of your jacket)? Well. . . Sorry, we had to clarify, but there is precedence. Did we mention we don’t even live in L.A.?

I swear I'll be good.

We realize not everyone needs these rules. If your name ends in “eyonce” or “adonna,” you can do whatever you want or instruct your staff to carry out your wishes. But for the rest of us, we may be SuperMommas, but we live in the real world.

Erin– As usual, The Sisterhood was the calm, cool voice of reason in a dark, sometimes cruel, world. I cleaned up, dusted off, blew out, and suited up. I walked into school with my cape on and came out with a happier kid and a mellower me. Now, I can go back to hiding in plain sight again.

Ellen– We should probably add one more DO: Always, Always, Always listen to your Sisters.

Erin– And never be afraid to show your cape.

Share it real good . . .