Erin– We all have our Mom Code—the one we live by and love by that makes our families work as smoothly as we can manage. We all have different names for the guiding principles that rule our parenting. You may call them The Law According to Mom. We happen to call them Sisterhood Secrets.
Ellen –One of the most important Sisterhood Secrets I live by: Don’t poop in your own den.
You heard us.
Erin – This may need some translation if you don’t have an Ellen in your life, but let me just say right now, you should find one. Now.
Ellen– Erin’s being very sweet, but ask our friend Mary how well they fared making tie-dyed t-shirts without me.
Erin– I shudder at the memory. Anyway, Ellen is the chick who gets things done. She is a no-fuss, no muss kind of momma, so if she tells you that she lives by this maxim, you might want to sit up and listen. The idea of not messing up your den is a lot harder than it sounds. We all get upset, excited, tipped over our breaking points, ESPECIALLY when our babies are involved. We want the sweet release of watching someone squirm and having our voices heard. But I am telling you now, resist this urge. The squeaky wheel may get the grease at first, but pretty soon she’s just darned annoying and causing drama in the parking lot.
Ellen– In other words, don’t make a princess-worthy stink in a place where you are going to have to play for a long time, like your kids’ schools. You can truly accomplish more by acting like the respectful person you want your kids to emulate. But forget that, I was pacing and growling around my den like a Momma Bear who had eaten gas station sushi and needed to squat.
With forethought and planning, I was seriously considering bringing it down hard on my poor elementary school. I was hot. I was considering thumbing my nose at one of my guiding principles because, darn it, I felt justified.
Now you are going to have stick with me on this one. I am not overly precious about my kids. But my Jellybean (11) came home with a D on an art project. We were not informed of this grade until AFTER the report cards came home, because it was put in late. AND it was part of a DOUBLE grade on the same project, because while the teacher was required by county policy to have 4 projects to grade, she only had 3, therefore double grade.
This same teacher had twice sent Jellybean’s work to the county art show. Where was the love now?
Erin– Have you ever heard of a double dipping grade? I mean, really, even my collar was getting warm.
Ellen- This D prevented Jellybean from getting an A in art by 0.7%. This B prevented her from having Straight A’s. This would have been Jellybean’s second marking period getting straight A’s this year. BUT get this Sisters, they FORGOT to recognize her in the newsletter for it last marking period. Hence, why I was PRIMED to make a stinky.
Erin- And this was not Ellen’s first dance with this teacher. Years back Ellen had to encourage a rubric for objective grading. Before that, grading had been sketchy. Pun intended.
Ellen is not all the way up her tree yet, but she is clinging to the bottom branches.
Ellen – She is either being kind or having amnesia, because I remember being precariously at the top of this tree and throwing F bombs at anything moving. I was calling Erin as a touchstone, because I was queasy that I was going to violate my own rules. My cub had been wronged!
Erin – I know Ellen, and she has never been THAT mom—the crazy one who insists that her kids get all As. She wants her girls to excel to the best of their abilities and they do —two lovely chips off the old, but still looking fabulous, block. Jellybean happens to be a conscientious and excellent student. To say that this grade hit her hard was an understatement.
Ellen – AND Jellybean reported that they had been promised another class period to finish the project, but that the teacher had taken that extra time away as punishment.
Erin– It was the principle of the thing. Jellybean was getting the short end of the stick.
Ellen was in her tree because she was caught not between a rock and a hard place, but between two maxims that guide her parenting— between the one to keep that den nice and clean and the one that she is going to stick up for her kids. As a Sister, my job was to talk her down from the top of the tree, but she was ready for action. And I could see why. I was on her side completely.
Ellen– So I have picked my battle and I was going to kick some booty and take some names. SO what did I do?
I…I…
I let the catharsis of my venting rant to Erin wash over me. I took a breath, slept on it, and wrote an extremely polite email to the art teacher expressing my puzzlement over the grade.
Erin– Surprised? Feeling cheated of the specter of the Momma Bear attack?
You'll thank us. In fact, you're welcome in advance.
Ellen – And guess what? Since I had never pooped in the den, the teacher listened to me and expressed her surprise and regret that this had gotten past her. She teaches between two schools, and the grade had gotten lost in the shuffle. Jellybean’s class had gotten robbed of class time due to some field trips; so the teacher could not get more projects done. She acknowledged that Jellybean was a dedicated and good art student, so if she said that she thought she was going to have more time, the teacher was going to give it to her. Jellybean finished the project and was re-graded.
Erin– See?? I told you all that you needed a little Ellen in your life. How ‘bout that for results? Because she muzzled her inner Momma Bear, Jellybean and Ellen were happy, the art teacher was not eviscerated, and Ellen’s den was squeaky clean. Score one for The Sisterhood.
I was starting to feel my own “MommaBear” rise up, anxious to see how this situation would be resolved. Well done Ellen.
Thanks!! It’s not easy, that’s for sure. These are the nuggets we file away for the inevitable next time, so we can still be the awesome moms we wanna be.
I am just sitting here chuckling to myself, knowing this feeling well, and envisioning Ellen on a rampage in the school! But I am glad you handled it the way you did. “Win” for everyone! Valuable lesson for Jellybean.
We can’t act on our impulses, now can we? 🙂 This world would be a very uncivilized place.
And score one for JUSTICE!
Excellent! I think this supremely important advice. Possibly the most important that relates to interacting with the many, many institutions our kids will bang up against under our care.
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Thank you. There are very few times in life when anyone deserves our first reaction. Parenting goes more smoothly when we take a moment to take a breath.
As a teacher I appreciate the muzzled mama bears. 90% of the time a calm discussion can usually solve the problem or correct the missunderstanding. The unmuzzled mama bears that poop in their schools soon get a not so nice reputation in the teacher’s lunch room I’m not saying your shouldn’t be a mama bear for your kids but a nice calm mama bear gets a lot more honey:)
Well, we are billing ourselves as the “Sensible Moms.” And really, everyone for the most part, is just trying to do his or her best.
You guys truly are the most sensible moms I know and as a teacher I would have loved working with you.
My comment was more toward the mama bears out there in general.
Totally feeling the love, Mary!
My toes hurt because you stepped on them.
I have a hard time not defending my wee ones with the full might of my super-sized temper. If someone makes a genuine mistake I can keep it together, but jerks do bad things to me. Bad things. This is a wonderful post!
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Thank you! Momma bear feelings are powerful things!
Great display of restraint and one I can learn from. I have burnt bridges with teachers–once for a bullying incident wherein my daughter was the victim, and once for her being pulled out of study hall for “special math help” when it was her only B on her report card. How do you embarrass a nearly straight A student? And what message does that give? “you have to be perfect!” As you can probably sense, I am still miffed about it. But…you are certainly correct. Diplomacy and empathy are always the way to go.
Great post!
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Thanks! Sounds like your daughter’s situation might make a perfect blog piece. I do think students who excel are given mixed messages about achievement sometimes.–Erin
Good post for all the momma bears out there like me. 😉
I tend to be the impulsive one but I know when you want somebody to cooperate you have to be nice and polite. Kind of like ‘with bacon you’re gonna catch the mouse’.
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You know, it really boils down to acting how we want our kids to act. I think world peace could be achieved if we all stopped acting on impulse. Maybe I’m stretching a bit?
Jellybean is going to love it when I lay the phrase “with bacon you’re gonna catch the mouse,” on her. What a great way to say that idea in a different way. And we LOVE bacon.
Maybe with control and bacon, we could achieve world peace. Something to think about. -Ellen
I LOVE this article and this advice! It is really hard sometimes to stifle that Momma Bear instinct. But I too have learned that results are ALWAYS better when we approach every interaction with our child’s school in a calm and positive way – asking “How can we both help my child succeed in this situation?” I have had to talk myself down before also – but now no matter what the situation is, or how unfair it seems (to my child), I repeat the mantra “I know that this teacher truly wants only the best for each student” before I contact them. Nice job, Ellen!
Thanks Colleen! Maybe now that I put it in writing, I’ll be able to remember it better. 🙂
Hello, it’s me again! Thought I would share that I just spent 45 minutes on the phone with the principal about a bus issue with my youngest child, and although I handled it the way I would have handled it BEFORE reading this piece, I actually thought to myself “make sure not to poop in the den.” You have added new vocabulary to thoughts and actions I already understand and follow.
Way to go, Sister!! Glad to give you a visual to go with your restraint. 🙂
Oh, I love this you guys. I love the back and forth between you two! Also, it sometimes IS good to “sleep on it” before reacting…which is something I’m not always good at.
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I constantly need to remind myself of the sleep on it part. Maybe in 10 years it will be automatic. Ellen
Great advice and next time I’m about to poop in the den I’ll be coming to you two first!!
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Much more pleasant in an olfactory way then coming to us after you’ve pooped. For sure. -Ellen
Awesome, ladies. We could all learn something valuable here. I have a similar little maxim in my life…Don’t Mess in Your Own Nest. And it means the exact same thing. You can attract a lot more bees with honey after all.
Great post!
Don’t mess in your own nest. I like that. Much cleaner, but this is what Ellen actually says. She actually uses s#%t instead, but we are trying to keep it clean. Glad you enjoyed it!! Thanks!
Sounds like the Mama Bear in you was totally justified to be released in this case! We are just starting to tour preschools for the fall (GASP) and I am already nervous for such situations – great advice! (p.s. I am GOING to get the math question right before submitting this time……I have my calculator this week, ha!)
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Your mommy academic career is just beginning; oh the places you’ll go, oh the situations you’ll see. My first “situation” was in preschool when the teacher called me in for a conference.
In a very serious, hushed voice she said, “You really need to talk to your daughter more to develop her language skills. When she is asked a question, she yips.” The newbie I was then: horrified. The proper response would have been laughter. So make sure you fortify that sense of humor.
And I’m glad we are here for your math skills. 🙂 -Ellen
I’m glad it worked out but it really grinds my gears that because the teacher didn’t do her job (assigning four projects) your baby was double graded. Grr I admire your restraint in tearing into her. 🙂
We got the corrected report card today so my restraint was rewarded. All is well until at least tomorrow. -Ellen
I’m glad you slept over it. I’ve made the mistake more than once before that I didn’t and in the aftermath you just never know if the kids end up “paying” for it or not.
Now I try to put myself into the other person’s shoes and ask what they are thinking? Are they even thinking about my child? Did they have a bad day/week themselves? I’m not trying to make excuses for anyone, but different perspectives definitely helped me find a better approach.
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I just have to keep reminding myself that we are not the centers of the universe and problems like these are rarely “strike while the iron is hot” situations. In fact, cool, calm, and collected are the way to go.
Wow. Where you with this sensible advice when I was running the PTA at my son’s public elementary school? HOLY CATS were the parents out of control at the meetings…yelling at us (yeah, like the pta president controls school policy? hello??), yelling at the principal, going on and on about THEIR precious darlings, etc etc etc. Blech. So yeah–flies, honey, vinegar. It ain’t rocket science. Glad to hear that the art teacher was a reasonable human (because otherwise, of course, you would’ve been justified in going grizzly…)
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I do love the idea that the parents would think you could control school policy. Suddenly, I feel so powerful. You are correct. It’s not rocket science, but there is some art to it. Thanks!
It’s always good to see that you managed to stick to your principles, AND get a good result! Great job, Ellen!
Thanks!
Ellen- You Rock!! I am so happy to call you a friend! I have been in a similar situation more than once and am happy to say you must have rubbed off on me years ago, because I too took the high road, and am so glad I did! It paid off! Great Sisterhood info! Thanks for sharing!! I was ready to climb up into that tree with you though! 😉
Speaking for Ellen, all I can say is that she does rock. Glad you enjoyed the piece. You can join us in our treehouse anytime. ; ) Erin
I fully intend to add “Don’t Poop in your own den!” to my collection of witty support lines.
How does one get an “Ellen”? While my first is in preschool now for the first time, I can only imagine I will need someone with such a voice of reason in the near future.
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We hope to be around for awhile, so you can “borrow” mine whenever you need her.–Erin