Crash. Bang. Screech. Welcome to Planet Teen. Don’t bother griping about the rough landing. We’ve heard it all before. No one ever sees it coming.
“Just yesterday I had a rosy-cheeked cherub and today I have this…THING full of sulk, smell, and oh so important opinions.”
Ellen– Blah, blah, blah. We hear you, but it is time to focus or you are going to get bamboozled and blindsided by the natives.
Erin– We’ve been here about 25 minutes longer than you have, but in the constant turnover that is Planet Teen, that qualifies us to dispense some knowledge. We’re here to provide newbies with some guidance, veterans with some commiseration, and decorated war heroes of multiple tours with glasses of wine.
Ellen– Don’t be stingy. Wine for all! It’ll make us funnier and the teens more bearable. But keep in mind, we are all you have at the moment. The more veteran guides are busy having a collective nervous-breakdown—something to do with driver’s licenses, SATs, and prom dress cleavage.
But never mind that, first steps first. Before I open the door, you might want to take shallow breaths or at least pull your turtleneck up over your nose. Erin will demonstrate.
Erin– The first thing you’ll notice is that even the atmosphere is different: you can feel it in the air and probably smell it, too. Planet Teen pulses with electric, frantic energy and smells an awful lot like the inside of an Abercrombie and Fitch store. Except when the wind changes. Then it just smells like B.O.
Ellen– Sad, but true. If only it had the lighting of an A&F store, then the terrain wouldn’t drive you insane.
Erin – Wait, before we get to the terrain, we must warn you about the earthquakes that will knock you on your bum faster than you can say, “What do you mean you want me to drop you off around the corner and wait in the car?” The ground is a-shakin’ and a-shiftin,’ people, and no expert in the world can predict when the quakes will hit.
Ellen– A “D” on a test? Wuteva. Missing headband? Total building-dropping, house-leveling, bridge-buckling quake. Some people may say that Planet Teen is hostile. I find it more of a shifting, puzzling, exasperating landscape.
Erin– Ah, yes, the landscape. It is messy, and oh so energy-draining. I’m not talking, “Hey there’s a shirt on the floor” messy. I’m not even talking a pile of Legos or naked Barbies. I’m talking that it’s a stinky, nasty, smelly armpit of a place littered with dirty socks, muddy cleats, damp towels, skeletons of projects past, and snack wrappers.
At least this mess is sanitary. Sort of. Well, they don’t smell. There’s that.
Ellen– Just trash really. Trash everywhere. Even for the roll-with-the-punches Mommas, Planet Teen will break you.
Erin– It was the towels that blindsided me.
Ellen– It’s a cold, damp place for adults because the natives of Planet Teen line their lairs, formerly known as their rooms, with damp towels. Maybe the humidity is good for their skin.
Erin– It can’t be the Aspergillus nidulans (that’s your basic run-of-the-mill mold for you newbies—you get up close and personal with this stuff on Planet Teen). If you are rolling your eyes, thinking, “Why are these chicks hung up on towels?” What’s so sensible about that? Well, for one thing, it is because they never get hung up.
Ellen– Never!
Girls can dream, right?
Erin– And my son can empty an entire linen closet in seven days. If you think for a moment this is not impressive, bear in mind that we have enough towels for SEVEN people.
Ellen– Pfft. Daughters are so much MORE in this arena. Coco (13) uses a hair and a body towel with each shower, and I have the water bill to prove that she showers more than your entire family of seven. She has even been known to take MY previously used body towel, hanging on MY hook. So I double your son, Ace (14), and raise you a disgustingness factor.
Erin– I think we’ve talked about motherhood not being a pissing contest, but, sure, you can take that prize.
Ellen– I knew it!
Erin– But even if you adjust to the messy terrain, terrible smell, and your cold butt having to dash down the hall to scrounge for a towel, you are still at a disadvantage. This planet is under Survivor-esque tribal rule.
Ellen– Only you can’t vote anyone off. You’re stuck in this mess together until college. And even then I think you are supposed to let them back in during holidays.
Erin– Oh, the challenges they toss your way. They sling them faster than Jeff Probst on Red Bull, but their hands-down favorite is the teenage version of Chicken. Every day, sometimes FIVE times a day, they are throwing down the gauntlet to see which of you will back down first. It cannot be you. You thought the Terrible Twos were hard when you could still wrassle them into the car. This is the same thing—only now you are looking UP at them.
Ellen– And then there is the language barrier. Teenagers compose fiction they dispense as fact as effortlessly as breathing. You would think only major Planet events would warrant this level of creativity, but it starts slinging without rhyme or reason. It’s just crap I have to slog through every day to get to the real stories, no matter how boring. It just makes me tired.
Erin– And the really wonderful whipped cream and cherry on top is their indignation when you suggest that their story might be two degrees south of complete BS.
Ellen– And then there’s the Planet Teen code.
Erin– That’s right. On top of shifting landscapes, cold derrieres, and the language barrier, you need to learn their secret codes and cryptic handshakes if you want even a remote handle on what they are thinking. This means you need to learn every last text acronym, read every last Tweet, and check out every last Facebook update and scan Instagram. I kid you not: the tribe is a-rumbling even when the natives look all tucked in and cherubic.
Ellen– TBH, the tribe will ambush you if you are not alert. JTLYK, you can readily get translations on Google. So CYA and get on over there, FTW.
Erin– Oh, and hide your valuables, or at least your eyeliner and straightening iron.
Ellen– The natives, or at least my daughter, are like magpies. Oooh! Shiny pretty thing over here! Aaahh! Sparkly, fun thing over there. These things get whisked away, never to be seen again. It is a little infuriating. Makes you feel like dementia is setting in early.
Erin– But maybe we are making you nervous. So far we’ve only discussed the perils and maybe frightened you with our obsession with towels (it’s serious, people). We did say we were going to give some navigation guidance.
Ellen– Communication is the key. I know it sounds basic, but it’s true. If you can keep the lines of communication open, the natives won’t take over.
Erin– It does not hurt to have strategies and to use what is available to you. In this case, I’m talking about your car. If you have a teen, you live in your car. If you don’t, I want to move where you live, so send me your address.
For the rest of us, accept your lot in life as taxi driver and use this to your advantage. There is real power in talking in the car. Teens don’t like direct eye contact, so side-by-side looking out the window is ideal.
Ellen– Yeah, they are kind of like tigers—don’t look them directly in the eye. Or is that werewolves? Anyway, be ready for them to spill the moment their tushies hit the seat. There is only a fifteen minutes difference between getting the story and “Nothing happened today.”
Don’t talk on the phone and turn down the radio (that way they won’t be obsessed with changing the station immediately). Your job is to hold your tongue.
In fact, I joke that I want my tombstone to read, “She gets props for all the things she didn’t say.” Come to think of it, I am not joking. Dead serious. This is THE key to happiness with your kid on Planet Teen. Hold it until you HAVE to say something. Otherwise, everything comes out like a Charlie Brown teacher.
Charlie Brown Teacher Speaking
Erin– So here’s The Sisterhood Secret: Cultivate a passive, non-judgmental face. One great piece of advice Ellen gave to me that works like a charm is the non-committal “huh” or ”um” as they relay the story.
Ellen– I also use it with crazy people, but a hormonally driven teen is about as crazy as you can get really.
Erin– Use that non-judgmental demeanor and your handy ambiguous grunts to mask your utter dismay when you hear things mentioned like your teen’s friend is running off with the circus. Or that he is considering not going to college because he has plans to turn your basement into a video game console repair business.
Ellen– Don’ t react immediately or you’ll shut them down. Remember you need as much information as possible so that you can sift through the BS to the nugget of truth.
Erin– And buck up, Visitor. Remember that for all the crazy, rocky, smelly, damp, and silly things rocking Planet Teen, you and your child are not adversaries, but fellow travelers trying to make it to the next stage with your sanity intact.
Ellen– This is temporary visa status, not permanent residence. Did you notice that this excursion has just begun? We’ve barely moved away from the transport door. But, look behind you, the next wave of newbies is already moving in behind you.
Erin– A temporary visa is more than enough on Planet Teen, so bring the wine, the Starbucks, a plucky attitude, and a sense of humor. We’re all going to figure this out together, but we are going to need the fortification. And we’re off. . .
Oh my gosh, this was hysterical! I can speak only from working with teens, and being one once…. Planet Teen is a freakin’ scary place to be! Good luck!
jenn @ so this is love recently posted..from two lines to one
That’s why we aren’t filling out any papers for permanent residence although, Erin will come close. She has 5 and her youngest is in preschool. Oy! Ellen
Ok, you got me at the “maybe the humidity is good for the skin”… completely laughing out loud here (and grateful that I’m not alone!)…
You know what though? Coco foiled me on this one. I went to her room to take a picture of the towels and SHE HAD CLEANED HER ROOM. Next post is going to be on unpredictability and how they do the right things at the wrong blogging times.. LOL
I thought for a millisecond about staging the picture, but I couldn’t mess up that room, not even for the sake of the blog. Ellen
Great job! I love hearing teen stories especially since they remind me so much of my teen years. It makes me laugh to remember how ridiculous I was over some things and I can’t even in my adult years give you a reason why I acted that way.
So it is fun to be looking in and hearing the oh so familiar stories but not so fun to be in it and the parent this time! Thanks for leading the way for when the rest of us catch up!
Thank you!
My grandmother use to tell the story, I was the first person to ever run out of hot water at her house. Got to love being a teen
Funny Stuff!
“Planet Teen pulses with electric, frantic energy and smells an awful lot like the inside of an Abercrombie and Finch store. Except when the wind changes. Then it just smells like B.O.”
OMG, l am LOLing and ROTFL. Those are all the acronyms I know. Good thing I have 6 years or so to learn them.
Ladies, you have officially terrified me. I am on Planet Preschool. And Planet Kindergarten. I split my time. And I thought these place were loaded with rough terrain. Oy.
Don’t worry! Remember I told you it happens in baby steps. Thank goodness you don’t have to go from preschool directly to high school. There is not enough Xanax in the world for that. And if you start to feel down, just think of Erin, she has one in preschool AND high school at the same time. Right this very minute. Ellen
As much as I loved this and love your writing and lve my kids . . . I should have looked away. The oly things scarier to me than living with my four is the fact that I will have to live with them when they are all teens at once.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
Great post, though.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Trifecta and my other blog.
HAHAHA! It’s coming. I know, I didn’t quite envision the whole growing up into people thing. I found the the infant/toddler stage VERY daunting. I’m not quite sure how Erin is going to keep every one of her 5 fed. They require so much food! Ellen
Hilarious! The alien planet theme was cracking me up…and it’s oh-so-true. Great post. I don’t envy you your teenagers, but I’m confident you’re both well-equipped to make it through your visit to Planet Teen. In spite of those damp towels.
Thank you, we need all of the encouragement we can get. My daughter read the post and asked if the towels really bothered me that much. I said, “Which part of me nagging you about them did you not get?” Since she read the post, all towels have been hung up. Score one for blogging. Ellen
Do you know how much I love this?
Momwich recently posted..The Blessings of Working from Home
Keepin’ it real. 😉
Oh jeez…I’m so not ready for my kids to be teenagers. I was a handful as a teen…my poor mom. I think I’ll call her and apologize for everything I put her through.
I was laughing out loud at the picture of the WTF face. I need to check myself, because I think I might do this now with my 7 year old 😉
As usual, wonderful post, great advice.
Oh yes, I have reflected more than once on my teenage behavior. I clearly remember just feeling evil sometimes and wanting to pull everyone down with me.
And since I constructed that graphic? I have been my own WTF face police. And I need A LOT of policing. Good thing it is not an offense punishable by jail time. Just sayin’. Ellen
Yeah you two have officially scared the bejeezus out of me and I’m only on Planet Elementary school, so thanks! At least I have a head’s up! (-:
Ado recently posted..What If Mommy Has ADHD?
Never fear! All we’re trying to do is give a heads-up, and maybe get some pity. 🙂
My teenage daughter has even developed her own language, at least when she texts me. I usually have no clue what she’s talking about, but I try to stay calm 🙂
Kerstin recently posted..Proud Parenting Moments
I shamelessly goggle acronyms. Never let them know you don’t know what they mean. 🙂 Ellen
Thank you for a detailed look into my future! Promise you’ll hang around for another 10-15 years in blogland to guide me?
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Outside Looking In
We hope so. Erin has a son in preschool, so she has a near endless supply of teens coming down the pike. Ellen
I have a twelve year old who’s like this already, she also had major tantrums when little 😉
::hiding under a blanket in fear of my future::
Great post, ladies!
Stacey recently posted..Circles
So funny…I don’t have kids but I have plenty of nieces and nephews some of whom have already done all those things and some coming up in the ranks. And though its been a long time I can still remember myself as a hormonal nightmare for my mother. I will look forward with maybe one eye closed out of trepidation of what is to come…I hope you keep us posted..
stephanie recently posted..She’s Not my Mom!
It almost makes it worse—the guilt of knowing you did this too.
*sticking my fingers in my ears* LALALALALALALALA!!
Do I really have to do math in order to leave a comment? You’re mean women! 😉
Just Jennifer recently posted..How I Like Me Now
wow, this might be the most effective birth control i’ve ever seen. perhaps i should have read it prior to starting the procreation process? y’all are HILARIOUS!
Susan recently posted..Lack of Sleep + Whole Foods = Spilled Milk
Yeah, let us be your cautionary tale. ; )
Here’s what imagonnado… when mine turn teen-y I’m just sending them to you. You seem to have this down to a science!
Jamie recently posted..it’s official
Well, gee, that makes writing this post rewarding. And twin teens? I see much blogging fodder for many years to come for you. 🙂
It’s not a science, but we are learning to appreciate the comedy in all of it. If you don’t laugh, you cry!
when my now-11 year old was about 3, he was stomping around our apartment angry about something and we went in his room and slammed the door. I said to our visiting neighbor (with college-age kids) “he’s acting just like a teen-ager!” He said, with a voice of deep experience, “No. Teen-agers mostly act like 3 year olds.” I’d never thought about it that way. But I figure if I keep that in mind then I won’t be tempted to “reason” or use “logic,” none of which will have bearing on the adolescent mind. But yes, I will keep the same “mmhmmm” voice with my teens as I did when they were 2 & 3 and telling me (for the gazillionth time) about the plot of a Caillou episode. Sigh.
Thanks for stopping by. One good thing about the teen years? NO CAILLOU. But just recently, our daughter threw what could only be described as a tantrum. I went back in time to when she was 2. But on the flip-side, we had an excellent teen day full of accolades. SO you caught me on a very good day. Of course, I also found her keys in the front door (they had probably been there for 3 days). Hmmm, I might be describing a roller coaster. It’s a wild ride. 🙂 Ellen
Now the mother of two teenage boys who are only a year apart, way too much of this rang true for me! I teach middle school, too, so I am living on Planet Teen around the clock. I appreciated the reminded that it’s just a temporary excursion.
Marcy recently posted..47 Years of Great Rock: You Say It’s Your Birthday
Aw, thank you, Marcy. Glad you found our blog. I too was a middle school teacher, so we can commiserate, ahem, I mean bond. Thanks, Erin
This was great. There is so much that I loved it is hard to pick one thing out. Here goes: I love that you use the same skills with crazy people. Teens walk that fine line between “finding myself” and “finding my personality disorder.” The trick is to be as non-emotive as possible.
“non-judgmental demeanor and your handy ambiguous grunts”
Love it.
Studio Liz recently posted..The Bill
“Finding my personality disorder” made me snort! Ha! Thanks for stopping by, Erin
Haw, haw, haw. Have you been spying in my house? Dirty towels? Got ’em. Eyeliner…who took my eyeliner again?
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