Droid Is Here to Annoy
And there it goes again.
“Erin, we only have another hour to work before preschool pick-up, could you turn that blasted cell phone off?”
“Sorry, but no, Ellen. The Bazaar is on Friday and I have to put out the fires, grease the cogs..”
“Spare me the clichés and please, please spare me from that grating ringtone.”
“Who lugied in your latte? I like it. But really, it’s not like you have to deal with the hand-wringing volunteers on the other end. So suck it up, Buttercup. What do you care?”
She was right. What did I care? It was a new age/zen crap stanza, but was it really the sound of the panpipes that was driving me bonkers? Truly, it probably wasn’t the tune that bugged me so much as the fact that it was an evil lie! That thing was detonating constantly, and there was NOTHING zen about 97.9% of the calls.
“Erin, to be fair, it may be conjuring up flashbacks from my OB/GYN intern year.”
“I’m feeling a swirling spiral taking us back in time.”
“Well, since you asked…”
It was a particularly bad night on call that had me bouncing between the ER, labor and delivery, and the oncology ward. In fact, there were laboring women lined up in the hallway waiting for empty rooms.
“Did you do your residency in Calcutta?”
“Baltimore. Anyway…”
Then the beep came from Unit A. I had just left Unit A. I hefted the beeper in my hand and took a deep breath….
“Breathing is good.”
…and hurled my beeper like I was the geeky girl in a gym class dodgeball game trying to teach the popular girl with the perfectly winged back hair a lesson.
“Like? Weren’t you actually that nerdy chick?”
“Erin, are you grasping that you have already chafed my irritation level to an eight? Can I finish? Anyway…”
My beeper lay smashed at my feet. Relief was my friend for half a doctor-just-did-what second. Then, Abject Panic pushed her rudely aside. As I sweated through my scrubs, I was convinced that an old lady was coding on the oncology floor. Never mind that the code beeper was still snugly clipped to my pocket; Panic is a deceiving witch like that. I scooped the pieces up and rushed to the front desk. The nurse slapped surgical tape, rubber bands, and a doughnut into my open palm.
“Wait, a doughnut?”
“The nurse liked me.”
“Okay MacGyver, did it work?”
I had barely snapped the last band in place and wiped the chocolate from my mouth when I was rewarded with a stirring of life from my patient: mew, mew, mew. It worked, but my beep was transformed into a kind of sick mewling. But that distorted “waa, waa” actually made me feel satisfied, like vengeance was mine.
“So I guess it’s not your ringtone, but what it represents.”
“Yeah, I’m going to put my phone on vibrate now.”
“I’d really appreciate that.”
.
I once went through the elaborate job of assigning different ringtones to my contacts in my cell phone. And then I totally forgot that the one I assigned my mom sounded like a fire alarm. I did manage to remember it the third time she called me while my hubby and I were out to lunch wondering whose damn phone sounded like a fire alarm. I changed the ringtone before the check came…
IASoupMama recently posted..BlogHer ’12 and the Blogstars
Fire alarm? Too bad you did not clear the restaurant so your meal could have been for free. 😉 Ellen
Ha! Take that infernal device. The demands put on doctors have GOT to be the worst. And so many of them are life an death that it means your own time becomes completely marginalized. I loved “Doctor-did-what”
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It is no longer my life, thank goodness. Ellen
Oh, this is funny. People are staring at me in whole foods where I am reading it. Loving the banter and the details. great post.
Thank you! I feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that I fueled a spectacle in Whole Foods. Ellen
That reminds me of the sound a breast pump makes. Fours years later, and my eye still twitches when I hear it. That thing was evil.
A whirring like the gates of Hell? Some sounds incite a gut reaction forever. Ellen
Hilarious post! I loved the back and forth between the two of you.
Thankfully, I have never had to deal a beeper — mine or anyone else’s. As much as the text alerts on my iPhone annoy me, I think I’d probably smash the beeper just like you did.
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Thank you! Yeah, text alerts pale in comparison to that beep. 😉 Ellen
I love “Did you do your residency in Calcutta?” Excellent depiction of human vs. irritating device!
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It felt like Calcutta on many o’ night. Ellen
LOL. Nice. I’m glad your sister eventually realized that the flashback to busier and crazier days was just too much to handle!
I am also impressed that you smashed the heck out of the beeper and that it still worked afterwards. Pretty resilient piece of technology!
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That thing was like a brick. Not like the delicate iPhones of today.
BTW, Erin isn’t my sister. We’re just good friends. Writing a blog. 🙂 Ellen
Y’all crack me up! I can honestly say that the last few times I have been in a hospital (simply as a visitor, mind you) the moment that I heard the call bell sound from the desk I felt myself start to sweat.
Loved this entry! Well done! 🙂
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Good Lawd, you just made me sweat reading your comment. 🙂 Ellen
The Sisterhood recently posted..Of Ringtones and Beepers
I LOVED this post! You said the word bonkers. Could it be the case that you are already thinking about the upcoming Monday Listicles? Obviously the beeper/ringtone thing is *somewhere* on your list (unless it’s Erin’s list). You also won me over with MacGyver. My husband tried to MacGyver a bottle of wine into a key (true) in one of my posts. It didn’t work, but MacGyver is one of my favorite verbs.
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MacGyver is one of my favorite verbs! I need that MacGyver wine bottle link.
I did use bonkers, didn’t I? How impressionable am I? BUt now I know what we are writing for the Listicle. 😉 Ellen
Well if you insist 😉 The mention at the end of that post will not be my only use of the verb MacGuyver. You can count on that!
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This reminds me of the early years of k-ster and me. He had a beeper that he did not need (not a doctor, no wife in labor, not a bomb de-bomber) and I hated. People would page him at all hours. His friends never slept. It would vibrate itself off the table and he’d never hear it. One night, I fell asleep to the fantasy of throwing it out into the street and listening as cars drove over it all night long.
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You should have! An angel would have gotten her wings. Ellen
I loved the back and forth of this…the flow of a conversation and the breaking in…fun!
This is just us doing what we do. 🙂 Ellen
Loved the detail of the nurse that liked you, so she gave you a doughnut. And doctor-did-what. How many doctors have wanted to do exactly that?
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Every. Single. One.
This was just endearing. Well constructed…one of my favorites. 🙂
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Hilarious, ladies! Per the usual! I just love reading your posts.
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I wanna do that! I wanna do that! I’m putting “Throw Doc H’s pager against a brick wall” at the top of my bucket list! I would love hearing it struggle to beep! The thought of it almost gives me an orgasm.
Emma @ Your Doctor’s Wife recently posted..What My Teen Daughter Stole From Me
Ha! Loved the banter! Highly entertaining. 🙂
50Peach recently posted..The Fighter
This is why I changed my ringtone to “Gangster’s Paradise.”
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I also love reading your posts! The dialogue in this piece is funny and engaging. Excellent post!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..Tangled Web
Very clever…loved the dialogue! That is a true art form.
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Thank you! What a nice thing to say. Ellen
Sorry for the late comment. It’s crazy what certain noises can do to us. I have “evil” sounding ringtones for the people in my life that I do not want to talk to but I’m forced to. It makes me cringe when I hear it, but at least I get it out of the way before I answer.
I love that you put your beeper back together and it still worked!
I also love the way you two communicate with each other. So evident how well you get along, I always feel like I’m hanging out with friends when I read!
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