Ten Things About Fall That Will Bring You to Your Knees

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Fall is no second-rate season here, no surly second sister to the fabulous Summer. We have some serious Dickens-esque great expectations for autumnal splendor, and Fall delivers here in the Mid-Atlantic. In spades.

The return of the crisp, autumn air means full deep breaths again, easier training runs, and success when using the  hair dryer for that smooth blow-out. Fall’s cooler temps means cozier clothes too. Who doesn’t welcome the return of the jacket? Fall’s clothes are a little more forgiving than tank tops which is perfect because Fall also marks the return of hearty soups and stews for dinner. Let’s spin those as a liquid diet, shall we?

For those of us who grew up under the mind control allure of Martha Stewart and wished we could craft a vintage paper leaf wreath or fashion an acorn pin out of felt (real crafts, y’all!), fall represents a simple beauty not to be outdone by the gaudier holiday season to come .

Only two books and one bazillion hours were sacrificed to make this wreath.

But the truth, dear friends, can be an ugly thing. Fall has a dark side  that will bring you to your knees or at least to the point of crying out, “Whatever, Martha!”

 

Ten Things About Fall That Will Bring You to Your Knees

1. Pumpkins— Big, small, orange, white, bumpy, or smooth, these fruit (Don’t argue with Erin! They have a fleshy rind and many seeds. They are a class of fruit known as pepoes!!) are the poster children for the season. Whether lit from within or left to shine with their singular, natural beauty, they scream of bounty and harvest. Until they get you screaming for another reason.

Inevitably, these beauties are forgotten in the monster mash that is Halloween. It’s a rare year that Ellen doesn’t have to scoop the squishy remains of her pumpkins off the front porch with a snow shovel. Bring on the mold and the fruit flies!

I look all shiny and pretty now, but just wait until I am spilling my rotten innards.

2. Football –We used to be simpatico with the ‘ole pigskin, but now we both have high schoolers and EVERY Friday night is a football game.

Friday USED to be date night (you know, like ours, the GROWN-UPS!). But now our derrieres are frozen to the bleachers, our eyes are glazed over from the mediocre action, and our tummies are growling from the crappy food we DIDN’T eat at the game. Then, to add insult to injury, our husbands scream at  the TV the rest of the weekend because someone didn’t complete a pass or the ref made a bad call. Go Team! Thanks, Fall!

3. Orchards—Nothing says Fall like a trip to your local orchard to get fresh apples, BUT, Danger, Will Robinson! You’re lured in with the promise of a myriad of fun fall activities to enjoy. You get hyped up on the thought of a fabulous family photo perfect for bragging on Facebook. In the golden slanting light, you start thinking that this orchard might be a fabulous place to spend the afternoon . . . until you realize you’re being hunted like antelope on safari by a pack of yellow jackets. You’ve been warned. It’s all we can do.

4. Apple Cider Donuts— If the stinging anaphylaxis-inducing insects didn’t get you at the orchard, this one will take you down. Or more accurately, plump you up. You cannot escape the powerful grip of this confection. We would not be surprised AT ALL to discover that the farmers pipe the delicious aroma of  frying donuts to all four corners of the farm. You are salivating so much by the time you make it to the checkout line that you shout, “Give me all the donuts!” This one will really hit you on the bottom line and the backside.

5. Pumpkin Lattes–Ellen loves Dunkin Donuts for creating this seasonal delight. It’s warm, delicious, and she treats herself to just one or two each year (okay, each week). Imagine her chagrin when her order was bungled and she received it iced. It should ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, NEVER  BE SERVED COLD. EPIC FAIL. Thanks for screwing up Ellen’s reward to herself for passing on the apple cider donuts. (Erin doesn’t have to imagine this Fall Fail. She heard it play out on the phone in real time.  It wasn’t pretty, people!)

6. Spiders— It’s THEIR season and we are all just living through it. Enough Said. <shiver>

7. The What to Wear Dilemma— Fall is a fickle schizophrenic. Sometimes Fall will bring you temps that will make you think you woke up in July. And then again, Fall might bring you this. . .

It makes deciding what to wear on a daily basis one of the trickier things you might have to navigate. Thank goodness for layers! Note to the chick wearing flip-flops with socks in the Starbucks line: That’s not what we mean by layers.

8. Footwear–Okay, upon further consideration, this one needed its own space on the list. When Erin was in Pittsburgh last year, she saw some poor girl walking around the Zoo with a full turtleneck sweater, corduroy jeans, and FLIP-FLOPS. Fall had foiled her. It could get you too. Stay safe out there.

9. Frickin’ Leaves— Ellen wouldn’t let us leave off the adjective. Is this enough said? Are you all with us? If Fall didn’t break you with the yo-yoing temps, the flesh-hungry yellow jackets lurking in the apples, or the apple cider donuts threatening to balloon your booty, the LEAVES will seal the deal. It’s like Mother Nature transforms into a magazine shredding toddler rampaging through your yard. And someone needs to come up with a better solution than the trusty old Rake-and-Bag because we don’t have time for the Motrin-and-Ice that follows.

10. Cornmazes— We are just going to lay this out for you and tell it to you straight: A bonfire is nothing more than a barbecue on steroids . . . with enough smoke to ruin your blow-out and make your mascara run. It’s for those people who won’t let it go. Summer is OVER, people! O-V-E-R!

But while we’re at it, what is up with corn mazes? You fork over cash to get lost. Forty-five minutes later, you crash through the border, not the elusive exit, hot, muddy, and agitated. Thank goodness there’s an apple cider donut ready and waiting.

 

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42 thoughts on “Ten Things About Fall That Will Bring You to Your Knees”

  1. Rorybore

    First, thanks to Martha, I am getting my non-smacking on donuts arse over to the deli because I simply must make some baked brie with cranberry compote……to enlarge said arse. great.

    but hey, I can always get lost in a corn maze to work it off. running from bees of course. LOL

    There is no Starbuck’s in my town. I have to drive 30 minutes. Hug me.
    Rorybore recently posted..10 Fall Must HavesMy Profile

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  2. Jill

    I’ve never heard of an apple cider doughnut. It sounds like I should be glad since I won’t have that temptation. I am equally in love with the Dunkin’ Doughnuts pumpkin spice coffee. Thanks for the tip about not trying the iced coffee though!

    I will be trying your pumpkin chili recipe soon! 🙂
    Jill recently posted..Monday Listicles: 10 Autumn Must HavesMy Profile

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  5. Stasha

    I love everything about pumpkins except preparing them for cooking. It is like a 30 minute prep time for four tiny cubes that leave you with orange colored fingers. Coffee should be drank hot. The end.
    You two are funny. I keep meaning to tell you 😉
    Stasha recently posted..Monday ListiclesMy Profile

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  9. BonnyBard

    First off, please tell me neither of you actually made that wreath in the first picture, because I’d have to start hating you and I like reading you too much for that.
    Also, I couldn’t figure out why you put a picture of your coffee mug like that until I reread #6, and I started spazzing around trying to shake imaginary spiders off myself. Thanks for that! Great list as usual!
    BonnyBard recently posted..The “Falling Leaves” Monday ListicleMy Profile

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  10. The Sisterhood Post author

    Just to be clear, I COULD have made that wreath, but I choose not to. On second thought, I don’t think I could ever cut up a book. Which brings us back to “Whatever Martha.”

    Erin is just laughing because she is a self-proclaimed non-crafter. I think she just claims that so she doesn’t get sucked into doing more things. I, on the other hand, am always finding myself sucked into, you know, whipping off the random PVC and papier mache zombie for the school Halloween competition.

    Drinking my coffee in the morning has become an exercise in extreme paranoia.

    Ellen

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    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Fingers crossed that it does . . . not.:) One patch we go to has a soybean maze. I like being able to see where the exit is. Much more friendly option for small children. And me. Ellen

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  19. Leslie

    You pretty much hit all of my least favorite aspects of fall (in addition to stinkbugs, which were mentioned above). Though I think the best part was the comment on dear old Martha. Howany times have I spent HOURS on something that looked so simple?
    Leslie recently posted..Autumn Must-HavesMy Profile

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  21. Jackie

    I’m hating this “what to wear” situation. My 4 yo wants to shorts with a tank top or skinny jeans with her new sweaters. Neither ensemble is appropriate, and God knows the minute I put away the shorts for good, the weather will spike again.
    I do love those white pumpkins! I don’t remember seeing them growing up, but now they’re like the cool cousin.
    Jackie recently posted..What I need this Autumn…My Profile

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