For those of us who grew up under the mind control allure of Martha Stewart and wished we could craft a vintage paper leaf wreath or fashion an acorn pin out of felt (real crafts, y’all!), fall represents a simple beauty not to be outdone by the gaudier holiday season to come.

Only two books and one bazillion hours were sacrificed to make this wreath.

But the truth, dear friends, can be an ugly thing. Fall has a dark side that will bring you to your knees or at least to the point of crying out, “Whatever, Martha!”

1. Pumpkins—  Whether lit from within or left to shine with their singular, natural beauty, the humble pumpkins scream of bounty and harvest. Until they get you screaming for another reason.

Inevitably, these beauties are forgotten in the monster mash that is Halloween. It’s a rare year that Ellen doesn’t have to scoop the squishy remains of her pumpkins off the front porch with a snow shovel. Bring on the mold and the fruit flies!

I look all shiny and pretty now, but just wait until I am spilling my rotten innards.

2. Football –We used to be simpatico with the ‘ole pigskin, but now we both have high schoolers and EVERY Friday night is a football game.

Our derrieres are frozen to the bleachers, our eyes are glazed over from the mediocre action, and our tummies are growling from the crappy food we DIDN’T eat at the game. Then to add insult to injury, our husbands scream at the TV the rest of the weekend because someone didn’t complete a pass or the ref made a bad call. Go Team! Thanks, Fall!

3. Orchards—Nothing says Fall like a trip to your local orchard to get fresh apples, BUT, Danger, Will Robinson! You’re lured in with the promise of a myriad of fun fall activities to enjoy. You get hyped up on the thought of a fabulous family photo perfect for bragging on Facebook. In the golden slanting light, you start thinking that this orchard might be a fabulous place to spend the afternoon . . . until you realize you’re being hunted like antelope on safari by a pack of yellow jackets. You’ve been warned. It’s all we can do.

4. Apple Cider Donuts— If the stinging anaphylaxis-inducing insects didn’t get you at the orchard, this one will take you down. Or more accurately, plump you up. You cannot escape the powerful grip of this confection. We would not be surprised AT ALL to discover that the farmers pipe the delicious aroma of frying donuts to all four corners of the farm. You are salivating so much by the time you make it to the checkout line that you shout, “Give me all the donuts!” This one will really hit you on the bottom line and the backside.

5. Pumpkin Latte–Ellen loves Dunkin Donuts for creating this seasonal delight. It’s warm, delicious, and she treats herself to just one or two each year (okay, each week). Imagine her chagrin when her order was bungled and she received it iced. It should ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, NEVER BE SERVED COLD. EPIC FAIL. Thanks for screwing up Ellen’s reward to herself for passing on the apple cider donuts. (Erin doesn’t have to imagine this Fall Fail. She heard it play out on the phone in real time. It wasn’t pretty, people!)

6. Spiders— It’s THEIR season and we are all just living through it. Enough Said. <shiver>

7. The What to Wear Dilemma— Fall is the ficklest of friends. Sometimes Fall will bring you temps that will make you think you woke up in July. And then again, Fall might bring you this. . .

It makes deciding what to wear on a daily basis one of the trickier things you might have to navigate. Thank goodness for layers!

8. Footwear— This one needed it’s own line. Note to the chick wearing flip-flops with socks in the Starbucks line: That’s not what we mean by layers.

9. Frickin’ Leaves—  If Fall didn’t break you with the yo-yoing temps, the flesh-hungry yellow jackets lurking in the apples, or the apple cider donuts threatening to balloon your booty, the LEAVES will seal the deal.  Mother Nature transforms into a magazine-shredding toddler rampaging through your yard. And someone needs to come up with a better solution than the trusty old Rake-and-Bag because we don’t have time for the Motrin-and-Ice that follows.

10. Corn mazes—  Bottom line:  You are coughing up hard-earned cash for the opportunity to get lost. And you WILL get lost. Forty-five minutes later, you MAY crash through the border, NEVER the elusive exit, hot, muddy, and agitated . . . or you may need to be lead out by a teenager whose job is to mock rescue you.  Thank goodness there’s an apple cider donut ready and waiting.

But some parts of fall have no downside. We LOVE the tastes of fall, especially when they don’t make us work that hard to get them!

Hope you are enjoying your autumn!

Erin and Ellen