Motherhood doesn’t just change your pants size, your shoe size, and your selection at Victoria’s Secret, Motherhood changes EVERYTHING. And then it keeps on changing. ALL. THE. TIME. You will just get your parenting stride at a stage, and your little darling is sprinting on to the next one.
To those of you already sporting stretch marks, under eye circles, and the requisite Real-Moms-Take-This-Shizz-Everywhere hand sanitizer, you know we speak The Truth. You know what would make this whole Mom thing easier short of a trainer, an industrial strength leash, and an ironclad agreement with the relatives to babysit every weekend?? Some Sisters to show you the way.
Now we’ve heard there are some great parenting books out there, but, honestly, you won’t have time to read them. Remember what we said about the sprinting?? But we love books, so we took some inspiration from classic books and children’s books to label the stages of Motherhood for you. We did the heavy lifting, so fanfare, please. . .
1. War and Peace
The First Year
Now Erin has never actually read this book, but we heard that it concerns Russia. The title conjures what it feels like in the trenches of your first year with a new baby. It’s either bliss. . . or bombs raining down on you. Prepare to be delighted, completely decimated, and so deprived of sleep you could put on your husband’s underwear and think it’s your own or fall asleep mid-sentence. Not that either of these things has ever happened to either of us.
2. What Do People Do All Day?
The Second Year
Hope you like naming aloud everything you own, see, think, hear, feel, smell, flush down the toilet, etc. because that’s what baby likes. Oh, that’s not for me, you say, my kid’s just chillin’. Well, we say that clearly you have never been at the mercy of a newly mobile but vocabulary-limited tot. YET. They jonez for this stuff like miniature meth addicts cut off from their supplier. Buy every oversized, ridiculously detailed book you can find now to assuage the tiny beasts. Richard Scarry knows. He’s the toddler-whisperer.
3. Where the Wild Things Are
The Third and Fourth Year AKA The Terrible/Terrific Twos and Threes
These kids are adorable but nuts, with a little extra nutty on top. Every time we think back to when our houses were ruled by these fickle tyrants, there is a little catch in our throats. We do miss our ladies who dressed as princesses or ladybugs every day and our lads bedecked in boots and capes. But it’s a dog-eat-dog world in the Land of Tod and we’ll give you three guesses who’s their favorite meal. Come to think of it, Lord of the Flies works for this stage too.
4. Interrupting Chicken
The Funny Fabulous Fact-Filled Four Year Old
Erin is 100% convinced that she did not have her attention issues until she had to parent a 4 year old—FIVE TIMES! No sentences are finished, no thoughts completed, no work is done. The four year old runs the place like a miniature Napoleon or Attila the Hun and the only consistent thing he or she is serving up is questions. Note: When the 4 year old inevitably asks you where babies come from or why you and Daddy like to wrestle, deflect, defer, and lie your pants off. You have plenty of time to pay for future counselling.
5. Brave New World
This stage marks the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, so all that sniffling and carrying on you’re going to do is totally justified. Your baby belongs to the great big world now. And it’s a beautiful, terrible, amazing, nauseating, wondrous sight to see.
6. The Call of the Wild
Early Elementary School
Seriously, kids at this age are powered by sheer force of will and their wily, wily ways. If we could harness it, we would solve the world’s energy needs. Oh, yeah, and they are full throttle without the benefit of forethought or reason. Invest in Band-Aids and mercurochrome and wine.
7. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde
Late Elementary School
As a pre-cursor to the full-blown hormonal onslaught headed your way, Mother Nature gives you a little tapas of what’s to come. Honestly, a lot of the angst comes from having one foot in the Land of the Little Kid and the other in the Acreage of Adolescence, but that doesn’t mean that this stage isn’t sometimes going to keep you up at night or wrangling with each other during the day.
8. Something Wicked This Way Comes
Middle School
Too dramatic? Maybe, especially when we both actually enjoy our Middle Schoolers and Erin loves teaching this age group. But storms are a-comin’, so you need to be ready to ride them out when they come AND to enjoy the calm seas in between the blow-ups.
9. Catch-22
Early Teen
Your tongue might actually hurt from all the times you will hold it. Happy, successful parenting with teens is all about choosing your battles, so often times you may get caught in senseless, absurd situations. We’ll take those over the scary stuff that also sometimes comes with the teen years, but none of it is easy. And <sniff>, you do sense your time together is shortening.
10. Great Expectations
Late Teen
Your baby’s getting ready to spread his or her wings, so there is great talk about the future and plans and what happens next. It’s all exciting and scary and nothing at all like what you imagined when you started this journey, oh so many moons ago.
And you will wonder how you got here so fast.
And then you’ll remember. Oh, the sprinting.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you! Erin and Ellen
Thank you to Stasha for more great Monday Listicle fun! Check out what others wrote or add your own list!
I think War and Peace applies throughout their lives. Heh.
Alison recently posted..On Writing
I’ve got a Call of the Wild, Uber-Something Wicked This Way Comes and a Great Expectations. That kind of sums it up. Good call ladies.
Jamie@SouthMainMuse recently posted..My bitty baby book.
Oh man did you ladies NAIL this one! I live in the midst of a Brave New World and The Call of the Wild while peeking over the fence to The Strange Case of Dr. J and Mr. H. It’s no wonder I have multiple personalities!! Both phases and all that have come before hav been the cause of growth and tears (both good and bad) and like you said, it’s all easier when their are “sisters” who get it as well.
Vicky
Vicky recently posted..I’m beginning to think that ribbons, trophies and awards aren’t such a bad idea
Where The Wild Things Are says it all 🙂
Carpool Goddess recently posted..What The Heck Was I Thinking: A Fauxmoir
Awesome awesome interpretation (duh).
Kim Pugliano recently posted..Monday Listicles – I Have Returned
I nodded and nodded and I love this so! Print it and distribute at the Ob-gyn clinics! Awesome.
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles
I still have the first 3 stages which you listed.. Great list
Dominique Goh recently posted..10 Tips on a Fun Photography Session for Kids( Review of Tomato Photo)
Thank you for chapter 4!!! I live this age but man they are little bossy shitheads, moving and interpreting! I want to pull my hair out!
I LOVE your take on this! I am on to my sixth four-year old and almost completely worn out. Man, four is a tough year. And just the other day my almost two year old was sitting on my lap and when asked to remove himself asked me “Why?” I closed my eyes took a deep breath and repeated the phrase, “I will survive”.
Stacey recently posted..A book about me?
I cried while reading your chapters… WOW! then I laughed at #8 Something Wicked This Way Comes
Thanks for all the warnings!
Happy Monday
karen recently posted..Listicles: Chapters of My Life
I want to have this on the CAC somehow. . . .let’s brainstorm!
I’m stuck between a catch-22 and great expectations. No wonder I’m exhausted all the time.
Dana recently posted..When Your Child is Confronted with Bigotry
Enjoyed the list and was nodding in agreement.
Aww, this is beautiful. My oldest is 8 and my youngest is 4. Honestly, I don’t miss those terrible 2s/3s. Rough times.
Mercurochrome – Ha! Do they still sell that stuff? My best friend’s mom used to put that on us and would draw smiley faces on our legs when she was done. At least it was something to look forward to since their were no fun Band-Aids back then.
Kate recently posted..How To Cure The National Debt. Or, How I’m Going to Write a Book
I LOVE this – what a well-written, well-thought out take on this week’s Listicles topic. I truly enjoyed reading this!
#6, #8, #9. #10….just perfect!
Yona recently posted..Monday Listicles – 10 Chapters in my Autobiography
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Industrial strength leash. Now THAT would be an investment for me! My son has a leash because he is that child who will run everywhere, but it’s not strong enough to contain him.
I was laughing so hard as at the Something Wicked This Way Comes.
Great post!
hilljean recently posted..Ten Things That Make Me Blush
OMG, this is hysterical. Also, I don’t know if I’m prepared for 7-10, I’m only on 6 and I’m TIRED.
Anna recently posted..…love to Boston