And here we go again folks. The Mommy Wars never seem to go away. They just keep popping up on different battlefields. Just when you thought Stay-at-Home Moms vs. Working Mothers was finally relegated to the history books and the Bottle vs. Breast treaty was signed, we have You’re Not Cherishing Motherhood Correctly with side skirmishes breaking out over You’re Not Blogging About It Right.
Judging women’s adequate appreciation of motherhood happens on a daily basis, but around Mother’s Day, the blog chatter often reaches fever pitch. This year, writers and commenters alike were stirred up by the idea that true bliss was getting away from your kids on this holiest of card store holidays. There were the posts that humorously extolled this thought, often to the tune of viral page hits, and there were those who condemned the notion or at the very least tsk–tsked with the vehemence of a gaggle of old-school librarians.
Now I’m not saying you have to find satire of Motherhood amusing. I in no way think that every brand of humor tickles every funny bone and I feel that every blogger is entitled to write about things they don’t like. You can even simultaneously dislike aspects of Motherhood AND genres of humor. See what I did there? Supported freedom of speech and created common ground.
What is irritating me with the power of a thousand sand fleas is the thinking that if you sardonically poke fun at Motherhood, you hate it, if you are snarky you are promoting negativity, and . . . what about the children!?! What a. bout. the. chil. dren? You are blogging about Motherhood incorrectly!
Madonna Motherhood–let’s call her Mitsy so we don’t get her confused with the pop icon or The Blessed Virgin– must be working out because she is trying to climb back up on that Perfect Mother Pedestal with all her might. Surely, I cannot be the only one who remembers that a mere generation ago it was blasphemous to admit that motherhood wasn’t all sunshine and buttercups? Women suffered in silent isolation and they kept their ovens clean while they did it, dammit.
And it was unhealthy as hell because you know what? Kids can be narcissistic Napoleonic assholes. The wrong way to pop your cork is by screaming at them, beating them or drinking your way to oblivion. I embrace the blessedly benign in vogue way to deal with it–write a damn funny post for the whole internet to commiserate with and enjoy on their electronic devices of choice.
These posts go viral not because we are a doomed society feeding off of negativity, but because they are release valves for all the pressures of Motherhood. This gig brings high stakes. You are responsible for the development – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual – of other human beings. I worked some time in one of the premier trauma centers in the country and only Motherhood crumpled me to the floor sobbing in the fetal position. Mitsy is a bitch with a baseball bat she is not afraid to use.
Trench humor naturally develops to deal with pressure. It can be gritty, it can be harsh, but it can be oh so cathartic. It’s honesty peels back the sanctimonious sheen and allows you to process and let go. The first time I had to pronounce a death as a medical student, my more senior resident tapped on the side of the body to simulate a heartbeat as I laid my stethoscope on the gentleman’s chest. Was it crass and tasteless? Yes. Did it convert my angst to outrage and then to laughter? Yes. Most importantly, it allowed me to go out to that man’s family and be what they needed me to be.
Is it really so different for Motherhood? Can we agree that it’s okay to release the pressure with a guffaw and then move on to be the persons we need to be for the little ones in our care? Motherhood is one of the toughest jobs you are supposed to adore 24/7. “Can I just go to the bathroom alone?” has become the universal battle cry because it’s just so ludicrous that a vocation consumes you so completely that you can’t even take care of your bodily functions in peace.
So, please don’t shame the humor that gets me though my day. You know what? I don’t need help cherishing the preciousness of it all. I get it. I got it. It makes it all worthwhile and I embrace it with a Hallmark-worthy hug.
What I need is help getting Madonna Motherhood, excuse me, Mitsy, to chill out and stop tripping me up. And in regards to the trauma to my kids from reading my snarky humor? My gift to my daughters is that Motherhood doesn’t have to be perfection and that their momma has been there and done that and will be ready to throw them a life preserver when their time comes. No scrambling onto a pedestal required.
-Ellen
You’re making a mockery of motherhood! I like mockeries though, much more fun than pretending everything’s roses. There are lots of roses in my garden, but many a thorn.
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The good has to be balanced with the not so good, right? Ellen
Here, here! My kids know that I love them ,and I laugh at them and call them out on their shit, both publicly and privately. I honestly don’t care what the naysayers think about my blog or my parenting. My style of humor has turned some people off my whole life, in the same way not everyone understood the hilarity of my dad.
My parents teased me and told me I was a pain in the ass on occasion. Did this ever once make me think they loved me less? No. Because I’m not an idiot. Neither are the children of today. Let’s all simmer down and know that things are fine.
Thank you for a thoughtful and tempered response, and I particularly liked your comparison to the medical field. So great!
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Thank you. Great comment. I tell my kids when they are being good, I tell them when they are bordering on Napolean. Ellen
Oh PREEECH. As a mom of 3 boys trust me when I say that I have all kinds of cherishable moments and just as many ‘how do I still have hair’ moments. I am a born smart alec and guess what my boys are just as smarmy. I have trained them well. If you cannot laugh at those moments YOU are doing it wrong.. Laughing saves me from killing them..
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A sense of humor makes live smoother for sure. Ellen
Amen, sister. I feel like this is a must-read for my husband as well, who feels like I’m fueling negativity by writing and/or reading about motherhood in blog form. And yet, I think I’ve seen male comedians (and some females) work this circuit for years and no one is calling them out for being shitty parents. You keep writing this stuff, I’ll keep reading it.
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Good point about the comedians, although they probably get emails and tweets by the boatloads. It’s hard being in the public eye, yo. 🙂 Ellen
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Preach it, sister! I was nodding and Amen-ing every word!
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Thanks! I’ll be passing the collection plate soon. 😉 Ellen
As Jimmy Buffett (a wise man) once said, “If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.” I am thankful for mom blogs of all kinds, especially the humorous ones. They help me remember that I am not a failure! 🙂
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No one is a failure if she is trying . . . and a cheeseburger in paradise always helps too. Ellen
You’re my new hero. Beautifully said.
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And I just sent my cape out to the cleaners. 😉 (Thank you) Ellen
Yes yes and yes! I honestly couldn’t love this post more!
Still laughing out loud at “Kids can be narcissistic Napoleonic assholes.” – best description ever!
That little turn of phrase seems to be appealing to many. 🙂 Ellen
Pretty sure being this close to France made our Napoleons even worse :/
That and Dad ‘s away on business.
Love your post and your words. So well done!!!! I agree 100%.
So sorry to hear about the intensified Napoleon complexes. Thank you for your kinds words, too. I always love to hear from you. 🙂 Ellen
Amen! If you don’t like it, don’t read it. You’re up on my pedestal today, Ellen – great post!
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Thank you! But don’t keep me up there, I might get a nose bleed. 🙂 Ellen
I consider myself pretty open to, well, everything. I’ll try (almost) anything once (note to husband: MIDGET PONY SEX IS STILL OUT. DAMN. GET OVER IT). I think what I dislike about some motherhood humor that “I” consider negative is if it is constant, continuous, no break for some happiness, just all complain all the time. At the same time, if I don’t care for your humor, I don’t read you. It’s as simple as that. I don’t care enough to say DON’T write this or I’m tired of this or you’re doing in wrong. I simply don’t read it. Just as any writer has a right to write (ha, I enjoyed that alliteration) what s/he wants, so do I with the reading of what I like and the ignoring of what I don’t. So. Here’s to not giving a damn about who likes what, who bashes what, who says who isn’t doing it correctly, is ruining her kid’s perception of motherhood, clearly hates her kid, drinks too much wine (or vodka *raises hand*), complains too much, IS TOO PERKY BECAUSE MOTHERHOOD AIN’T ALWAYS PRETTY. See that? You see that? We will get slammed if we seemingly dislike it but we will also get slammed if all we offer is glitter and rainbows with Skittles on Cool Whip (you know, good stuff). The only thing I want is for us to be able to say what we feel because there will always be commisseration. At the same time, I do tire of the woe is me schtick if it’s daily (which leads me to simply tune out if I don’t like it because I don’t want to tell someone what NOT to write. Just because I dislike it doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its place (and yes, there is some I truly dislike and simply will not read. I am no stick in the mud loving on my kids HELLO, MY SEVENTH GRADER IS FAILING ALL OF THE CLASSES, MY 3 YEAR OLD SAID ASSHOLE THE OTHER DAY AND MY 9 YR OLD WANTS TO WEAR PINK WIGS AND DANCE ON FENCES (I have NO idea how that’s gonna work out for her but at least it’s not a pole)).
(I hope I have not offended anyone with my use of the word midget. That’s what the internet calls them and we all know that what it says is law).
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LOL. Let’s all agree that balance is good, especially if you are dancing on fences. Ellen
Your three year old is wicked precocious, which makes you a great parent. See? It’s all about context. People who spend time ranting about other peoples’ blog posts & the failings therein puzzle me for just want you say here: don’t like it? Hey! News flash: DON’T READ IT. Just, you know, walk away. Or click away, I guess. And by the same token, the blog posts that are endless litanies of woe masquerading as humor make me think crabby because mostly if you have time & energy to write a blog post, then let’s not put more bile into the universe. There’s plenty there already.
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Said with grace, intelligence and, yes, humor. Standing O.
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Thank you much! Ellen
Well said! Thank you for cutting through the crappy political correctness that seems to dominate so many forms of media these days. Bravo!
I’m not sure this was political, but I tried to be honest. 🙂 Ellen
Right on, sister! Where is the common sense and tolerance in the perfect people like Mitsy? That’s just a control issue when they have to insert themselves that way. If anyone reads this blog on a regular basis, it’s clear that you both love your children very much. So what if we see humor in life, even at the strangest times? Sometimes that’s when it’s needed the most. I’m a nurse – I so related to your example. It doesn’t make the moment any less sad, but it might make it a little more tolerable and like you said, allow you to be what you need to be for others. Such a well thought out and well articulated post.
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Thank you! Our kids are old enough to read and critique our blog, so we do have checks and balances built right in. Ellen
Ok…so I remember when my little girl was a baby. She was colicky until about 6 months old. I told this to a “sweet” older lady in my church once as I had just had one of those crazy crying days and she told me, “Someday you’ll wish for her to be little and crying so don’t gripe about it now, these days will soon be gone”. That stills makes me furious to this day!! and you know what? I wouldn’t wish for those days again in a million years! Do I miss my babies? Yes! Do I miss all the crap that goes along with having babies? NO!!!
Fist bump on the colic. Those were some hard times.
I hate it when others tell me to enjoy the bad. In fact, I think I really just hate people telling how to feel in general. Ellen
High horses and parenting just don’t go together … the fall from those big boys hurts. That’s why I just lurk around on slow parental turtles that are just working to make it across the street!! That’s my speed … besides, falling off an exasperated turtle doesn’t cause as many scrapes and bruises …
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I now want a parenting turtle. They sell those on Amazon, right? Ellen
I don’t know why some moms bother criticizing other moms at all, but especially so on blogs. If you don’t like what someone is writing about… don’t read it! Easy solution. And no one is stopping you from publishing your own opinions where people who share your views can go and comment all they want.
I am so tired of the mommy wars, and you are right that just when we think it is behind us now it pops up in a new flavor. When will we learn that we need to work together and stop fighting each other???
Bravo for being brave enough to share you opinions, strengths, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities on the internet. Laughter is always the best medicine. I’m always laughing at myself!
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Right on girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am proud of you. Love you!!
The mommy wars–wherever and whenever they flare up–make me think that women are victims of the greatest scam ever: hey, let’s get all these really smart energetic people to quarrel with each other, and then maybe they won’t notice all the systemic problems confronting women & families. Divide and conquer, folks; it’s what Napoleon did pretty well, actually–well, until he tried to invade Russia during the winter. Surprisingly, that didn’t go well. I just think sometimes about what would happen if women stopped bitching at each other and instead got ourselves organized as a big ol’ voting bloc/protest movement… what could happen? Free day care? Better public schools? More women in politics who aren’t batshit crazy (we’ll miss you Michele Bachman b/c now whose picture will we use to frighten naughty children?) …. Whoops. Ranting now. Sorry.
Great post.
Deborah Quinn recently posted..if privacy is a myth, why do we need all these keys?
I never understood going to a restaurant, business, gym, event, blog you just DO NOT LIKE…If you don’t like something, go someplace you LIKE. MAKE someplace you LIKE.
I never figured out people who just wanted to LOUDLY voice opinions and hate over something they simply do not like.
This blog isn’t INJURING you. It’s not ATTACKING you. It is a funny, expressive honest view into THE creators world.
I enjoy this blog. I get a laugh and then go about my day.
To me bitching about someone else’s tastes is like getting angry at someone because they like the color orange. Pointless.
Hey Mama Ellen, remember that movie WAR GAMES?
“The only way to win is not to play the game.”
To the “Shitty Angry Mom-War” starters: PLEASE go get some good sex or food or tasty beverages and lighten the hell up. Life is short..go pay something awesome forward, help end suffering, make someone laugh. Do anything other than Mommy shame other people. It’s old and beneath the incredibly hard won title of MOM. Grow up. Your kids are watching and learning form YOU how to be a miserable humorless bitch.
If you don’t like it here, go away…we won’t miss you.
Oh this couldn’t be more BRILLIANT. First of all, your writing is amazing… as you so eloquently nailed this message home! BRAVO!!! I am now standing up at my table and giving you a slow clapping ovation. AWESOME post.
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Love your humor, makes me smile every day. Damn the detractors!
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Thanks, girls!
Bravo!!!! You met the naysayers on every possible front of attack and you did it with grace and tact. Reading your post was as cathartic experience for me as using my own words as a ‘release valve’ for the pressure of motherhood.
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