Today’s Pinterest rant is targeting nails. Full disclosure–I’m not a big fan of painting my nails. It’s not because I’m not girly or I don’t think it’s pretty. It’s just I’m a perfectionist and I can’t stand smudges or chips and my life is a smudge and chip inducing maelstrom.

Let’s talk about those smudges. The moment I become incapacitated in any way– say, my butt hits a toilet seat, my hair drips with shampoo, or my nails are freshly lacquered–a tremor in the biosphere occurs triggering an explosion of “MOM!!!!” Can’t let wet nails prevent me from saving the day.

But I’m a resourceful gal, let’s say I sneak under the radar and manage to vamp up my nails. What’s the point of all of that effort when my maelstrom of a  life hasn’t changed? A manicure doesn’t stand a chance against my to-do list of mulching the flower beds and scraping the black gunk from around the kitchen faucet. Contrary to urban legends, I use my hands for more than clicking the remote and popping bon bons.

Soooooo, just don’t paint my nails and the frustration is gone, right? WRONG! I have daughters. Daughters who are 12 and 14. Every time I call to them for assistance there is some kind of nail polishing going on. Hmm, maybe I’m THEIR tremor in the biosphere.

Me: I need these clothes folded.

Jellybean: I’m finishing the topcoat on my nails.

Me: The dishwasher needs to be unloaded.

Coco: Oooo, sorry, I just started painting my nails.

Me: The trash needs to be taken out.

Jellybean: I’m painting Coco’s nails. With stencils!

Me: Seriously, you need to clean the toilets.

Them: We’re simultaneously painting each other’s nails.

Me: I give up. I’m going to Target.

Them: Can you pick us up some base coat?

So what’s the problem? Nails dry and they can carry on. Well, the problem is Pinterest. Once again Pinterest has upped the ante.

 

You can’t just slap on a coat of polish and call it a day. Oh no! There must be designs and glitter and themes. Painting nails takes eleventy forevers plus two hours. My girls get to their tasks eventually, but not on my time schedule. You know that an unloaded dryer or dishwasher is the equivalent of a jackknifed tractor trailer on the chore highway. Nothing is moving along or getting done until they are cleared.

Now my heart is not made of acrylic. They do have some pretty cute results.

 

But Pinterest won’t just stop at time consuming. As always, it crosses from “Wow!” to “What the Heck?” to Pintershit in the blink of an eye.

 

1. Ok, THESE are the Sistine Chapel of Nails.

Who has time for this? The intricacy makes my head spin.

 

2. And these are the Van Gogh of Nails.

Get this woman an easel and some pastels. Talent like this should not be wasted on an art medium that is going to get wrecked the moment she has to do something major . . . like actually participate in life. Doors don’t open themselves, People. Well, unless they are automatic . . . or revolving.

 

3. WTF are up with these?

At least the above two examples are attractive. An utter waste of time, but attractive. These are just weird. I’m torn between two interpretations–the abstract representation of my dreams swirling out of my grasp as time marches on and choices become narrowed OR bird poop sliding down a window.

 

4. I think I wasted a WTF on number 3.

These are fuzzy. FUZ-ZY. I guess they would come in handy for a chronic nose picker during hay fever season. You know, because they’re extra absorbent.

 

5. Paying homage to my Savior on your nails?

Okay, that might be okay, but WHAT is that creature next to the baby (alien) Jesus? Is it a sheep? A pig? Chupacabra?

 

6. “I know what we’re gonna do today.”

Waste some time on some cartoon nails! Maybe these Phineas and Ferb nails should go a little deeper undercover; although I have to admit Perry is looking kind of sharp.

 

7. Let the games begin!

Oh I’m not talking about Tetris. The only game she’ll be playing is “Find the piece of mommy’s bizarre nail in the macaroni and cheese.”

 

8. Nails, lips, and a meme!

Extra bonus points for the nails matching the lips. That paint doesn’t look toxic. at. all. Speaking of toxic, have I been sniffing too much polish remover or does her bottom lip look like Grumpy Cat?

 

 

9. Art?

I’m assuming this is art, but I’m wishing it wasn’t. I’d be pretty careful wiping if you know what I mean.

 

10. I am not alone.

Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures writes for the hilarious site Craft Fail. She shared an attempt that our friend Anna of Random Handprints made at copying a Matzoh Manicure. She eventually nailed it, but this try might be more mange than matzoh.

 

 

Oh Pinterest, you know we love you, but sometimes you lead us astray.

-Ellen-