Rants Archives - Sisterhood Of The Sensible Moms | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

We *may* have created monsters, but it's not too late to tame the beast--Dear Participation Trophy Generation: Get your heads out of your butts! | Parenting Humor | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Dear Participation Trophy Generation,

We’ll get right to our two points since we know we only have five seconds before you flip over to Vine: “Suck it up” and “We apologize.” These need some explanation—especially since we blasted any budding intuition out of you with our confetti cannons—but if your thumbs are already twitching to scroll, we bid you adieu with these words: “FOR THE LOVE OF FUTURE GENERATIONS GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR BUTTS, DO YOUR JOBS, AND STOP WITH ALL OF THE EXCUSES!”

For those of you sticking around out of indignation (you may lack in intuition, but indignation you got), allow us to switch gears. We’ve been told that precious snowflakes like yourselves need to be handled gently because you’re doing your best and you deserve respect, dammit; human rights and all that. You saw part of a YouTube video on it over the shoulder of some guy on the train. You know what you’re talking about.

But that uncomfortable feeling you’re blaming us for because we’re bitches or at the very least unreasonable, is really the weight of expectations. We expect you to do the jobs you’re cashing in paychecks for every week. That’s not a reward for being cute, or showing up, that is money you EARN by fulfilling your job description.

Here’s the other thing, we don’t need to know the ins and outs of how you fulfill your job. We just need a time frame for when the job will be done and affirmation that it will be done.

Let’s have an example. Examples are good for learning.

Say for instance you receive this call: “Hello Crofton, I really need the projected costs of printing that I asked you for two weeks ago so that we can finalize the contract.”

Here is how not to answer: “Yeah, I don’t have them because I’m new at my job/my cat died/I’m moving/the website is being redesigned/I have a dog christening to go to . . .” Actually this example could go on forever so to summarize: DO NOT USE ANY DETAIL OF YOUR PERSONAL LIFE AS AN EXCUSE.” It does not make us feel sorry for you. In fact, it makes a majority of us want to throttle you while screaming #SORRYNOTSORRY.

Here’s the professional way to answer: “There have been a few circumstances making the collection of those numbers challenging. However, this is now at the top of my list and I will have answers for you by tomorrow morning.” But here’s the key: You now have to ACTUALLY follow through on the work. It’s sad that does not go without saying, but really, it’s not completely your fault.

So this leads into what you will appreciate: an apology. We’re sorry, not for having expectations of you, but for not having expectations of you from an early age. How can we expect you to keep your eye on the prize of completing a job when you’ve always gotten an “A for Effort!” For people who have gotten stickers for everything from acknowledging our nagging to feed the hamster to wiping your own butts; it’s probably a eureka moment to realize performance matters.

Shame on us for doling out participation trophies, turning around scoreboards when the point gap widens too much, and for celebrating bringing up D pluses to C minuses. Guess we didn’t have the forethought to realize you’d be our employees of tomorrow and that your precious “I tried” ways would motivate us to Instagram inspirational quotes about professionalism.

So we effed up and now we’re paying for it in spades. But realizing there’s a problem is half the battle, and now that you know, we believe you can turn this around. We didn’t label 87.2% of you as “gifted” for nothing. But if you can’t, we’ve realized that it’s never too late for a little tough love. There will be some lovely pink slips waiting for you. Bright side? You’re free to make them into all the confetti you desire.

Sincerely,

Your Clients and Employers

We created the monsters, but we can still tame the beast: Dear Participation Trophy Generation.

Click To Tweet

You can follow us on Google+, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

Share it real good . . .

We interrupt this normally even-keeled blog for a good old fashioned rant.

Erin: “Raise your hand if you’ve been victimized by Regina George.”

Ellen: Are you quoting movies again?

Erin: It seemed like the perfect place for a Mean Girls reference. In any case, it’s high time for everybody to step back, take a deep breath, and knock this shizz off.

STOP BEING MEAN TO EACH OTHER, GIRLS!

Ellen: The basic sentiment is simple. We can all be pretty and smart and accomplished. All at the same time. Young ladies, you do not have to put anyone down to make yourself feel better.

Erin: There’s room for everyone at the table of awesome. Just concentrate on polishing your own star or, as we like to say, swim in your own lane. Concentrate on being the best you.

Ellen: What a wonderful world this would be if everyone just concentrated on their own character development. And while we’re at it, I am calling out all of the Mean Girls on that weapon of mass destruction known as exclusion. Maybe, maaaayyybeeee, in the olden days, like 1987, excluding someone was a quiet sort of maneuver, but . . .

Erin: “I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.”

Ellen: Who thinks middle school is all rainbows??

Erin: Sorry, I slipped into another movie quote. Bad habit. But who are you kidding? We had whispering and passed notes back in the days before digital media and social sharing. Burn books were real.

Ellen: That’s right, those wonderful group project scrapbooks crafted to puts others down. Like Facebook, but with scissors and glue sticks.

Erin: Unfortunately, excluding a girl from a party or event or even a super-fun-joy-joy activity like making a burn book has never been a secret hazing. Shoot, they probably snickered about Gertrude being excluded from the quilting bee via smoke signals out on the prairie wagon trail.

Ellen: True, but in this age of social media, exclusion can be executed like a surgical strike to the heart via Instagram. So suck it Mean Girls.

Erin: But you know what? Mean Girls don’t corner the market on crappy behavior. There are also Mean Women.

Ellen: You’re right! But not just females either! Everyone gets a place in our burn book . . . I mean blog post. I find myself saying five times a day: WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Erin: I am so tired of the insincere use of polite catchphrases to make rude behavior acceptable. We need a call to action, like maybe a Stop the Rudeness Campaign.

Ellen: I’m feeling a list coming on . . .

Things That Have the Trappings of Politeness But Are as Worthless as a Screen Door on a Submarine When Only Used as a Cover to Forge Ahead with Rude Behavior

Erin: Yeah, that is pretty long. How about . . .

Stop Using Polite Catchphrases to Cover Rude Behavior

Ellen: I guess that works too. But if you are trying for brevity, maybe “Stop the Rudeness Campaign” would be better. Just sayin’.

Erin: And that leads us to our first point, Ladies and Gentlemen . . .

1. The Just Sayin’/No Offense/In My Opinion Trifecta

C’mon. If any one of these disclaimers passes your lips or ends your status updates, you might as well be giving someone the bird. If you have been isolated from pop culture sarcasm because you live on the frozen tundra of Greenland, there is nothing polite or good that has come before or after these phrases. They are the call words of the passive aggressive.

Even Ross was more subtle . . . just sayin’.

2. The Excuse Me/Push Through Maneuver

This one needs to be explained . . . thoroughly. If you need to move past someone or reach past someone, you say “Excuse me” then wait for it. Literally. The “Excuse me” is the signal to the other person to accommodate you. YOU need to get your panties out of a twist and WAIT for them to react. “Excuse me” isn’t a pleasantry if you are bleating it as you knock someone over like it’s a Black Friday sale, even if it is a Black Friday sale. Ellen fell victim to this many times while she was on crutches. It’s amazing how so few people realize that crutches can instantly become bludgeoning sticks.

Why is Ellen smiling? Rude justice may or may not have just been served.

3. The Doorbell Blitzkrieg

If you ring someone’s doorbell you have to give them more than two seconds to get to the door before you start tapping out Morse code like you’re on the Titanic. Unless it’s a yurt; but then why would they have a doorbell? And while we’re pondering questions, why don’t you join the 21st century, stand on their doormat, and just text them that you’re there like a civilized person? Sheesh.

Ellen: Whew! Felt good to get that out there.

Erin: Nothing like clearing the air to give yourself some breathing room.

Ellen: That just leaves one more thing: Good day and namaste.

Erin: Oh, and what would you add to our Stop the Rudeness Campaign?

Stop the Rudeness Campaign! Stop using polite catchphrases to cover rude behavior. #humor

Click To Tweet

Share it real good . . .