Kids Need the Word “No”

“NO.”

A short word that stops you in your tracks. It’s the pinnacle of negativity, the Commander in Chief of control, and the debutante of Debbie Downers.

Ellen: That is all true, but it seems really one-sided. I think “No” is just misunderstood, like Brussels sprouts. They’re both not bad, they just can suffer from awful presentation.

Erin: Okay Dr. Phil, I feel compelled to kick your cruciferous analogy off the couch because “No” isn’t some limp vegetable. It’s your trusty weapon in the toughest job you’ll ever love: Parenting.  It’s your big guns for raising kids to be successful and happy, but you have to use it wisely.

Ellen: And it’s not just for toddlers, although for the love of Cheerios, you better start setting the boundaries in those tender years. It is so crucial because you are actually leveling your battlefield for when things get real: The Teen Years.

Erin: Consistency is your friend.

Ellen: That all became clear to me when Coco threw her TEEN tantrum. I thought her toddler tantrums were nuclear, but I should have waited before shipping that hazmat suit off to Goodwill. Coco had banged up against a boundary and was missing a prime social occassion because of it. She thought that if she just backtracked and righted her wrongs, she could sidestep the grounding and proceed to partying.

Erin: She really should have known better. She had lived with you for thirteen years.

Ellen: When she realized her penance was not going to shorten her term, her fury was like the Polar Vortex and El Niño had a baby and that baby was every volcano on earth erupting at once.

Erin: You’ve been watching a lot of Weather Channel again, haven’t you?

Ellen: True, but I swear I was being pulled through one of those swirling time travel tunnels to the day my abundantly pregnant self had to abandon my grocery cart, squat like a sumo wrestler to grab 2 year old Coco, and drag her out of the store by her heel. My ginormous self could not get a grip on her flailing body any other way.

Erin: At least you had plenty of strangers judging you to get you through the moment.

Ellen: The awful moment that lasted forever. If only I had a crystal ball to see that it was worth it. I was mortified, but I set the precedent that my “No” was firm.  So even in her teenage rage, there was a little squeak in her hippocampus telling her, “Your parents are NOT going to back down.” She may have forgotten that ancient push-pop battle, but she knew her mom was not a pushover.

Erin: Giving into a toddler can make a moment easier, but it can set you up for a decade of hurt because the stakes only get higher and the issues only get weightier.

Ellen: However a huge part of being able to stick to your guns is picking your battles wisely. You can’t waste all of your ammunition during a skirmish, because you won’t have any left for the real war.

Erin: You have to stay focused on the real mission: Raising human beings who can function and play with others safely in society. We know it’s easier said than done to stay focused.

Ellen: You? Have issues with being focused? What?

Erin:  In MY tale of woe from the front lines, I was lobbing grenades when I should have been using my energy to whittle down my laundry pile. I dug in my heels over Bratz dolls, also known in my mind as Fun-Sized Streetwalkers . There was no way my girl was going to be playing with those totems to anti-feminism. Line drawn.

Ellen: You should have just given Bratz dolls a heaping dose of the cold shoulder.

Is this tart worth a battle line?

Erin:  When I said, “You will never play with Bratz dolls,”  my seven year old’s brain translated my Parentese into . . .

Ellen: “This is what I want to fight about with you for the next four years.”

Erin:  That “No” catapulted them to the status of forbidden fruit. And the Battle Royale began.

Ellen: A battle you could not control. Because birthday parties.

Erin: And Biddie got one on her 7th birthday. If I had just ignored them like the Sisterhood told me to, Biddie would have played with the thing for about five minutes before losing interest, and I could have quietly been that streetwalker’s last escort . . . to the garbage can.

Ellen: What was really needed was a discussion.

Erin: I should have just used them as an opportunity to share my values with my daughter. In this case, my “No” didn’t teach her anything.

Ellen: We all can use some fine-tuning of our parenting perspectives from time to time. Here are some thoughts on when and how to lay down the “No.”

Boundary Basics

Boundaries For Kids Are Like Brussels Sprouts Good for Them

Banish the arbitrary.

“No” is not about stifling kids, but setting them free.  Rules are to keep our kids safe and teach them values that will help them lead successful, happy lives. Arbitrary rules like “You will not wear eyeliner until you are 13” will bite you in the butt.

Keep it powerful.

We shouldn’t make rules we won’t enforce. We need to be ready to get our tired butts off the couch to redirect a behavior. Even after we’ve said “No” for the eleventieth time.

Remember flexibility.

If our children present good arguments for why a rule is not reasonable, we are willing to listen and ready to talk.  We make mistakes. Fessing up and being open to other paths creates space for everyone to win.

Put safety first.

The rules aren’t more important than our kids. Covering up mistakes is dangerous for everyone. We want our kids to know that they can come to us for help at any time. Two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s a maxim for a reason.

Practice consistency. 

Kids need to push against boundaries, but we need to consistently enforce them. A sense of safety and security empowers kids to take appropriate and desirable risks in areas such as academics and sports. Kids feel unsettled and insecure when they think they are in the driver’s seat.

Erin: Life is hard in the trenches–wet, stinky, and monotonous. We get it! Who do you think is beside you in that foxhole? Can’t you smell us?  But if the “No” is worthy, you just can’t give in because you’re tired or they flash you those baby blues.

Ellen:  Boys, girls, toddlers, tweens, teens—they are all just looking for gaps in the fence line EVERY DAY. So help yourself by keeping your trusty “No” meaningful.

Erin: And peace will reign in your mini-kingdom.

Ellen: Ha! Until the next skirmish.

 

Parenting Boundary Basics

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Kids Need the Word “No”

  1. AJ Everton

    I love all of these ideas, in particular, I like the flexibility comments. It doesn’t mean you are “giving in” just because you let your children express their views and have a discussion about the rules. The better they understand the concept the more likely they are to respond in a positive way. They will feel more invested in it rather than just looking for ways around it.
    Thank you for sharing this!
    AJ Everton recently posted..The Gun Box – Keep it SafeMy Profile

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