Fox and Hen Together on Fried Kentucky Shore

We announced to the world, on our Monday Listicle a couple of weeks ago, that there were certain children’s books that we would, well, like to throat punch. Now it is our turn on  The Character Assassination Carousel hosted by the hilarious and industrious Nicole Leigh Shaw over at Ninja Mom Blog. Time to turn the flame up to full roast!

 

Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures came before us and skillfully poached Babar. Treat yourself by checking out her post, after you’ve finished reading ours of course! Christine of Naptime Writing is up next. Can’t wait to see what book she targets.

 

And speaking of treats, do we have one for you!

This is a Read-Along Assassination!

To hear our voices soothe you off to Dreamland, click the media player and get started.

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Erin: It’s the close of another juice-cup-filling, nose-wiping. . .

Ellen: lunch-packing, homework-crunching, dinner-slopping. . .

Erin: sports-hopping, bath-drenching day. Little Darling cuddles in for his evening storytime and hands me this little gem.

Ellen: Oh, joy! A book without words that your crazy, artsy friend gave you at your baby shower. Because nothing will top off an evening like this more than making up your own story.

Erin: I hardly have enough energy to brush my teeth tonight,  but sure I can make up a humdinger for you. It only takes me 25 edits to write a blog post.

Ellen:  Truth be told her story sucked, but now in the new light of day with a little sleep, she remembers how funny WE are.

Erin: So we decided to make lemonade out of this lemon.

Ellen: We present for your enjoyment…

Erin: …and ours too if we are totally honest…

Ellen: the victim of this week’s Character Assassination Carousel, Fox and Hen Together by Beatrice Rodriguez.

Erin: Henceforth to be referred to as Fried Kentucky Shore as lampooned by Erin and Ellen.

 

 

Ellen: It’s a beautiful day on Fried Kentucky Shore. Some might say it is an unusual day because Chooki has put down the bottle and is nursing her maternal instincts by rocking her egg to a techno-beat.

I knew Poultry magazine had it all wrong. Chooki is going to be one fine feathered motherclucker.

Erin: But Southern Coop Living had it all right! Look at those tacky PDA photobooth pictures on the wall! And that empty fridge.

The Foxuation grunts, “Yo, Chooki, where’s the eats?!?”

Chooki says, “We only have half a bottle of Stoli and this champagne you swiped from the wedding you valeted.”

Pauly C, the mooch, chimes, “This is bogus, man, I haven’t had anything to eat since I hit the floor after those jeigerbombs last night and landed in that pile of pretzel crumbs.

Chooki says, “You’re such a bottom feeder. I got this, you losers.”

Erin: So she does what any chick in a den of slacker boys would do. . .

Ellen: And we do mean slack-ers! The Foxuation lost the car in a gambling spree, and Pauly C used all their extra scratch for GTL

Erin: (Look it up in the Urban Dictionary, losers.) She takes care of business herself with the only thing she has left—a fishing rod.

 

Ellen: I think she thought it was a whip.

Erin: I think if she had more brains she would see that Pauly C looks like a good appetizer . Just saying.

Ellen: Hold on a minute, Erin. Are you just skipping over the tender ménage à troi farewelling  to the egg? Back it up for a minute and REALLY look at those tacky love pictures on the wall.

Erin: Alright, let’s humor Ellen and all look at the pictures on the wall. Wait a minute, who has this chickie been chucking?

Ellen: That‘s what I’m saying. This is no-teach-a-chicken-to-fish-and-the-menagerie- eats-forever story.  It’s a “Who’s Your Baby Daddy: Fried Kentucky Style”.

Erin: I see warning signs a-flashing à la Dr. Phil. The Foxuation is the ultimate bad boy: he’s foxy, he’s needy, and he is an ever-loving ACTUAL predator.

Ellen: Run, Chooki, run!  Do not walk! And do NOT take the creepy crustacean sidekick with you!

Erin: Ellen, focus your inner Winnie the Pooh, we are only the narrators.

Ellen: So let’s focus on the Springer in this story and skip to the fight scene. It all starts when FUGLY steals the fish.

Erin: FUGLY?

Ellen: Falcon of Unknown Genealogical Lineage…Y’all.

Erin: Oh, him. He drags our Chooki and Pauly C, who is hanging on her tail feathers like the backpack he is, and unceremoniously dumps them in the drink. But the Ch-itch still has her fish.

Chooki screams as the FUGLY flies away, “ You ruined my blowout , Motherclucker. It cost me a Benjamin. But, you’ve messed with the wrong chick. I won, ‘cuz I got the fish.”

Ellen: Chooki thinks she’s won, but her screeching rouses the Guido from his hole.

Erin:  He is pissed because some skank slinked off with his gold chains this morning. He is coming off a bad night, and he is just looking for trouble.

Ellen:  But instead he finds himself presented with a tasty snack of Filet o’ Fish with a side of nuggets and crab claws.

Erin: Little does he know that he has actually found trouble with a capital T, and it is spelled Chooki.

Ellen: Chooki is spelled with a C, but anyway, she is one tough…

Erin: Primo Poulet

Ellen: Um, are you serious? We’re going a little more street than that. This is a Jersey Shore spoof. Who needs to focus now?

Erin: But anyway, Chooki is bringing it Kentucky Shore style.

Ellen: She’s on the left.

Erin: She’s on the right.

Ellen: And she’s down.

Erin: But not for long.

Ellen: She hog ties that mouth-breathing-chain-wearin’-gel-sloppin’ Guido…

Erin: …and shows him “Who’s Your Daddy.”

Ellen: I like how you channeled your “street” there, much better, but “Daddy?”  Don’t you mean, “Who’s Your Momma?” Chooki owns this; Pauly C. was as useful as a trap door on a canoe. In fact, let’s cut that poser Pauly C out of this.

Erin: In fact, let’s cut to the disturbing ending, shall we?

Ellen:  Sure. The lighting is soft.. . .

Erin: Good lord, you and your soft lighting.

 

Ellen: I just appreciate the scene being set. Anyway, it’s spotlighting the broken egg.

Erin: Chooki is horrified.  She picks up the frying pan like a weapon.

Ellen: I’m horrified too! How is her first thought that her Chuck Buddy was snacking on her chick? And why does a chicken have a frying pan ANYWAY?

Erin: She totally went to, “Motherclucker ate my baby, WHAT?”   She is going ALL Loretta Bobbins.

Ellen: What the heck are you talking about?  Do you mean Lorena Bobett?

Erin: Yeah, you know, the chick that sliced and diced her husband’s package.

Ellen: Disturbing. Um, adjust your glasses, Granny, she is taking it to the next level. She is about to end the Foxuation for good.  She knows she picked a lowdown scoundrel. She watches Maury Povich every afternoon.

Erin: And speaking of Maury Povich, the master of the paternity reveal, are you really looking at that offspring?

Ellen: What is that thing?? There is no creature like that in nature.

Erin: It’s got fox ears and wings. It’s the Frankenstein of babies.

 

Ellen: It’s not a Frankenstein baby. It’s a FICKEN.

Erin: There’s no such thing as a frickin’ Ficken. You made that up!

Ellen: Ya think? There are no words for that biological fail.

Erin: But the most important part of any children’s book is the happy ending.

Ellen: And what is happier than toasting a weird-ass newborn creaturewith a little ALCOHOL and the conquered roasting on a spit?

 

Erin: Wait! But there also has to be a moral!

Ellen: So what kind of moral exactly are we finding in this train wreck, Pollyanna?

Erin: Don’t chuck a fox or you could be raising a Ficken.

Ellen: And that there is your Sisterhood Secret. Sweet dreams, Mothercluckers!

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

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42 thoughts on “Fox and Hen Together on Fried Kentucky Shore

  1. hollow tree ventures

    That was sooo funny, ladies (though I was rooting for that frying pan to reach its target…)! Gah, picture books take FOREVAH to read, don’t they? Or rather, to NOT read since the authors make us do all the work coming up with a storyline. Thanks for making this one so entertaining – waaaay better than the garbage I make up for my kids. :)
    hollow tree ventures recently posted..Mothers Are So GreedyMy Profile

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  2. Jen West

    I am amazed at what makes it to print. Some of these children’s books are horrifically bad! This one is appalling, and it doesn’t even have words! Your story is tastelessy hysterical and couldn’t be anything else based on what you are working with! Great job!

    Reply
  3. Kim S

    You two are hysterical!! This book is all kinds of weird. That Ficken is just freaky, I’m not quite sure what they were going for there. But I love the wine toast at the end of the kids book. Maybe the “authors” (and I use that term loosely) thought the kids would be asleep by then?

    Anyway, I too hate wordless books. Who has the energy? Well, at least I used to hate them…. You guys wanna take a crack at “HUG”?

    Reply
  4. Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy

    hahahahaha! Sisterhood…you are awesome. Have I told you lately that I love you? ‘Cuz I do. This was brilliant on so many levels. A Ficken? A Frickin’ Ficken, are you kidding me? Brilliant, ladies. Y’all need a book deal like yesterday.

    And FUGLY, FUGLY, HA! There’s so much funny here I can’t possibly name it all.

    Plus, your reading of this was way too adorable and funny for words.

    LOVE!!
    Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..To the MotherMy Profile

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    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      And we love you for this awesome comment because this post broke us a little. :) Technical difficulties are us, but Frickin’ Ficken still makes us giggle. Ellen

      Reply
  5. Michelle Longo

    I want to hang out with you two – you kill me!! (fugly had me rolling and I admit it took me halfway through to figure ou the names and I’m FROM Jersey…).

    I try to stick to my rule that the bedtime book HAS to be an actual story. But sometimes I’m suckered into reading the names of Star Wars characters from his multi-volume SW encyclopedia or the names of fish from his aquarium how-to guide. I can’t make up stories – I do not write fiction!
    Michelle Longo recently posted..Dad.My Profile

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    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Oh my goodness Michelle, I now remember reading from the illustrated encyclopedia, too. The main drawback was where to end! On and on and on…

      And I feel like we need a disclaimer. We don’t watch Jersey Shore either, but I know the names from Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Ellen

      Reply
    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      Well, I’m taking this as high praise because we both have never seen the show. We went with what we knew from the Jimmy Kimmel show and Google. Fist pump. :) Ellen

      Reply
  6. Kristin

    Wait – there has to be a moral! Hahaha!

    I have two books without (many) words that I like. Two. One is Dinosaur! and the other is HUG. In fact, HUG makes me tear up every time. The Fox and Hen thing is way too complicated for all that. Although, I wouldn’t mind making up some lines about that frying pan.
    Kristin recently posted..It Hurts on the InsideMy Profile

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    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      I like HUG, too. I have fond memories of “reading” that with my girls. And just for the record, I have never used the word “motherclucker” at bedtime story time. Ellen

      Reply
  7. Shiftless Mommie

    “Falcon of Unknown Genealogical Lineage…Y’all.”

    Just..HA!

    I’m usually super sensitive about children’s literature skewers, but this was hysterical. Also, this book had it coming.
    Shiftless Mommie recently posted..No Pass.My Profile

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  8. Susan

    oh, mothercluckers. i’m pretty sure you’ve just given me the perfect alternative to my favorite word to use around my children. and i can’t wait to see the baffled looks on my neighbor’s faces. too funny.
    Susan recently posted..The Princess BrideMy Profile

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    1. The Sisterhood Post author

      It was so ridiculous I could barely stand it. There’s a sequel too. Oh yes. Rooster’s Revenge where rooster tries to get some satisfaction because Hen is with Fox. There is much anger AND psychedelic mushrooms. Kids books at their finest. Ellen

      Reply
  9. Lisa Nolan

    I’ll leave a comment as soon as I stop laughing! Very finger-licking funny! Or linger-fricking lunny. OK, I suck at this. I’m off to read more blogs, but I’ll be back! Cluck, cluck!
    Lisa Nolan recently posted..Climbing StairsMy Profile

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