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Fox and Hen Together on Fried Kentucky Shore

We announced to the world, on our Monday Listicle a couple of weeks ago, that there were certain children’s books that we would, well, like to throat punch. Now it is our turn on  The Character Assassination Carousel hosted by the hilarious and industrious Nicole Leigh Shaw over at Ninja Mom Blog. Time to turn the flame up to full roast!

 

Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures came before us and skillfully poached Babar. Treat yourself by checking out her post, after you’ve finished reading ours of course! Christine of Naptime Writing is up next. Can’t wait to see what book she targets.

 

And speaking of treats, do we have one for you!

This is a Read-Along Assassination!

To hear our voices soothe you off to Dreamland, click the media player and get started.

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Erin: It’s the close of another juice-cup-filling, nose-wiping. . .

Ellen: lunch-packing, homework-crunching, dinner-slopping. . .

Erin: sports-hopping, bath-drenching day. Little Darling cuddles in for his evening storytime and hands me this little gem.

Ellen: Oh, joy! A book without words that your crazy, artsy friend gave you at your baby shower. Because nothing will top off an evening like this more than making up your own story.

Erin: I hardly have enough energy to brush my teeth tonight,  but sure I can make up a humdinger for you. It only takes me 25 edits to write a blog post.

Ellen:  Truth be told her story sucked, but now in the new light of day with a little sleep, she remembers how funny WE are.

Erin: So we decided to make lemonade out of this lemon.

Ellen: We present for your enjoyment…

Erin: …and ours too if we are totally honest…

Ellen: the victim of this week’s Character Assassination Carousel, Fox and Hen Together by Beatrice Rodriguez.

Erin: Henceforth to be referred to as Fried Kentucky Shore as lampooned by Erin and Ellen.

 

 

Ellen: It’s a beautiful day on Fried Kentucky Shore. Some might say it is an unusual day because Chooki has put down the bottle and is nursing her maternal instincts by rocking her egg to a techno-beat.

I knew Poultry magazine had it all wrong. Chooki is going to be one fine feathered motherclucker.

Erin: But Southern Coop Living had it all right! Look at those tacky PDA photobooth pictures on the wall! And that empty fridge.

The Foxuation grunts, “Yo, Chooki, where’s the eats?!?”

Chooki says, “We only have half a bottle of Stoli and this champagne you swiped from the wedding you valeted.”

Pauly C, the mooch, chimes, “This is bogus, man, I haven’t had anything to eat since I hit the floor after those jeigerbombs last night and landed in that pile of pretzel crumbs.

Chooki says, “You’re such a bottom feeder. I got this, you losers.”

Erin: So she does what any chick in a den of slacker boys would do. . .

Ellen: And we do mean slack-ers! The Foxuation lost the car in a gambling spree, and Pauly C used all their extra scratch for GTL

Erin: (Look it up in the Urban Dictionary, losers.) She takes care of business herself with the only thing she has left—a fishing rod.

 

Ellen: I think she thought it was a whip.

Erin: I think if she had more brains she would see that Pauly C looks like a good appetizer . Just saying.

Ellen: Hold on a minute, Erin. Are you just skipping over the tender ménage à troi farewelling  to the egg? Back it up for a minute and REALLY look at those tacky love pictures on the wall.

Erin: Alright, let’s humor Ellen and all look at the pictures on the wall. Wait a minute, who has this chickie been chucking?

Ellen: That‘s what I’m saying. This is no-teach-a-chicken-to-fish-and-the-menagerie- eats-forever story.  It’s a “Who’s Your Baby Daddy: Fried Kentucky Style”.

Erin: I see warning signs a-flashing à la Dr. Phil. The Foxuation is the ultimate bad boy: he’s foxy, he’s needy, and he is an ever-loving ACTUAL predator.

Ellen: Run, Chooki, run!  Do not walk! And do NOT take the creepy crustacean sidekick with you!

Erin: Ellen, focus your inner Winnie the Pooh, we are only the narrators.

Ellen: So let’s focus on the Springer in this story and skip to the fight scene. It all starts when FUGLY steals the fish.

Erin: FUGLY?

Ellen: Falcon of Unknown Genealogical Lineage…Y’all.

Erin: Oh, him. He drags our Chooki and Pauly C, who is hanging on her tail feathers like the backpack he is, and unceremoniously dumps them in the drink. But the Ch-itch still has her fish.

Chooki screams as the FUGLY flies away, “ You ruined my blowout , Motherclucker. It cost me a Benjamin. But, you’ve messed with the wrong chick. I won, ‘cuz I got the fish.”

Ellen: Chooki thinks she’s won, but her screeching rouses the Guido from his hole.

Erin:  He is pissed because some skank slinked off with his gold chains this morning. He is coming off a bad night, and he is just looking for trouble.

Ellen:  But instead he finds himself presented with a tasty snack of Filet o’ Fish with a side of nuggets and crab claws.

Erin: Little does he know that he has actually found trouble with a capital T, and it is spelled Chooki.

Ellen: Chooki is spelled with a C, but anyway, she is one tough…

Erin: Primo Poulet

Ellen: Um, are you serious? We’re going a little more street than that. This is a Jersey Shore spoof. Who needs to focus now?

Erin: But anyway, Chooki is bringing it Kentucky Shore style.

Ellen: She’s on the left.

Erin: She’s on the right.

Ellen: And she’s down.

Erin: But not for long.

Ellen: She hog ties that mouth-breathing-chain-wearin’-gel-sloppin’ Guido…

Erin: …and shows him “Who’s Your Daddy.”

Ellen: I like how you channeled your “street” there, much better, but “Daddy?”  Don’t you mean, “Who’s Your Momma?” Chooki owns this; Pauly C. was as useful as a trap door on a canoe. In fact, let’s cut that poser Pauly C out of this.

Erin: In fact, let’s cut to the disturbing ending, shall we?

Ellen:  Sure. The lighting is soft.. . .

Erin: Good lord, you and your soft lighting.

 

Ellen: I just appreciate the scene being set. Anyway, it’s spotlighting the broken egg.

Erin: Chooki is horrified.  She picks up the frying pan like a weapon.

Ellen: I’m horrified too! How is her first thought that her Chuck Buddy was snacking on her chick? And why does a chicken have a frying pan ANYWAY?

Erin: She totally went to, “Motherclucker ate my baby, WHAT?”   She is going ALL Loretta Bobbins.

Ellen: What the heck are you talking about?  Do you mean Lorena Bobett?

Erin: Yeah, you know, the chick that sliced and diced her husband’s package.

Ellen: Disturbing. Um, adjust your glasses, Granny, she is taking it to the next level. She is about to end the Foxuation for good.  She knows she picked a lowdown scoundrel. She watches Maury Povich every afternoon.

Erin: And speaking of Maury Povich, the master of the paternity reveal, are you really looking at that offspring?

Ellen: What is that thing?? There is no creature like that in nature.

Erin: It’s got fox ears and wings. It’s the Frankenstein of babies.

 

Ellen: It’s not a Frankenstein baby. It’s a FICKEN.

Erin: There’s no such thing as a frickin’ Ficken. You made that up!

Ellen: Ya think? There are no words for that biological fail.

Erin: But the most important part of any children’s book is the happy ending.

Ellen: And what is happier than toasting a weird-ass newborn creaturewith a little ALCOHOL and the conquered roasting on a spit?

 

Erin: Wait! But there also has to be a moral!

Ellen: So what kind of moral exactly are we finding in this train wreck, Pollyanna?

Erin: Don’t chuck a fox or you could be raising a Ficken.

Ellen: And that there is your Sisterhood Secret. Sweet dreams, Mothercluckers!

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

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By Ellen Williams Erin Dymowski

Comments

comments

42 Responses to “Fox and Hen Together on Fried Kentucky Shore”

  1. Ninja Mom
    May 9, 2012 at 9:51 am #

    The best, and it was ALL GOOD was the “Sweet dreams, Mothercluckers!”

    You two are a dream team.
    Ninja Mom recently posted..If I’m almost broke, school must almost be over.My Profile

  2. hollow tree ventures
    May 9, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    That was sooo funny, ladies (though I was rooting for that frying pan to reach its target…)! Gah, picture books take FOREVAH to read, don’t they? Or rather, to NOT read since the authors make us do all the work coming up with a storyline. Thanks for making this one so entertaining – waaaay better than the garbage I make up for my kids. :)
    hollow tree ventures recently posted..Mothers Are So GreedyMy Profile

  3. Jen West
    May 9, 2012 at 10:38 am #

    I am amazed at what makes it to print. Some of these children’s books are horrifically bad! This one is appalling, and it doesn’t even have words! Your story is tastelessy hysterical and couldn’t be anything else based on what you are working with! Great job!

  4. Kim S
    May 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    You two are hysterical!! This book is all kinds of weird. That Ficken is just freaky, I’m not quite sure what they were going for there. But I love the wine toast at the end of the kids book. Maybe the “authors” (and I use that term loosely) thought the kids would be asleep by then?

    Anyway, I too hate wordless books. Who has the energy? Well, at least I used to hate them…. You guys wanna take a crack at “HUG”?

    • The Sisterhood
      May 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      The best part? This liaison was also adulterous. The next book in the SERIES–let that sink in a moment–is Rooster’s Revenge. Ellen

  5. Kim S
    May 9, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    URL didn’t work, but was MaMzungu given you props above…
    Kim S recently posted..An Hour In My Day – BloggingMy Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm #

      You got it going now! And I took your URL and followed it back to your blog! :)

  6. Pish Posh
    May 9, 2012 at 11:10 pm #

    OH MY GOD THIS IS AWESOME.

    Fugly steals the fish.

    Go Fugly Go!

    Argh the artsy friend strikes again :) You guys did great!!
    Pish Posh recently posted..The InterviewsMy Profile

  7. Things Carter Says
    May 10, 2012 at 6:57 am #

    That was freaking hysterical! The ending picture, and explantation, was my favorite. You guys should publish this…I’d read it to MY kids!
    Things Carter Says recently posted..Cupcake WarsMy Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

      It could go into whatever genre they use for books like “Go the F#$* to Sleep”! Thanks for confirming that other people think it’s funny. Erin

  8. Carrie
    May 15, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    What the eff LOL. That was awesome. The book and the narrative! Nice. I’m going to read this to my kids!
    Carrie recently posted..My mother.My Profile

  9. Delilah
    May 15, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    ohmygosh, that was funny! I’m still laughing at “sweet dreams mothercluckers” and I think the next book in the series sounds like my kind of book! I’m sure this one will get your facebook friends all up in arms. Haha!
    Delilah recently posted..You Can Learn A Lot From Your Neighbor’s Yard SaleMy Profile

  10. Write Rinse Repeat
    May 15, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

    You girls are hilarious. That’s all I know to say.
    Write Rinse Repeat recently posted..Because I Looked Like a Moron in 1999My Profile

  11. Werdyab
    May 15, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    hahahaha! This was awesome, you crazy mothercluckers you!
    Werdyab recently posted..Mother’s DayMy Profile

  12. Mayor Gia
    May 15, 2012 at 10:01 pm #

    Hahhaha clearly, you guys are meant to do readalongs. (But for the record, I don’t like books without words. Unless they’re coloring books. Seriously, why do I have to do all the work?!)
    Mayor Gia recently posted..YAY I Won Something!My Profile

  13. Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy
    May 15, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

    hahahahaha! Sisterhood…you are awesome. Have I told you lately that I love you? ‘Cuz I do. This was brilliant on so many levels. A Ficken? A Frickin’ Ficken, are you kidding me? Brilliant, ladies. Y’all need a book deal like yesterday.

    And FUGLY, FUGLY, HA! There’s so much funny here I can’t possibly name it all.

    Plus, your reading of this was way too adorable and funny for words.

    LOVE!!
    Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..To the MotherMy Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 15, 2012 at 10:56 pm #

      And we love you for this awesome comment because this post broke us a little. :) Technical difficulties are us, but Frickin’ Ficken still makes us giggle. Ellen

  14. Dawn Beronilla
    May 15, 2012 at 10:36 pm #

    Holy smokes you two are fun-ny! This was creative and hilarious and just so silly. I loved it.

  15. Kathy Kramer
    May 15, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

    LOL!!! That made my night!
    Kathy Kramer recently posted..Fifty Shades of AssimilationMy Profile

  16. Louise Ducote
    May 16, 2012 at 6:31 am #

    So funny, ladies! I remember being extremely happy when my baby graduated from picture books to books with WORDS. My whole world improved!
    Louise Ducote recently posted..The NavigatorsMy Profile

  17. Michelle Longo
    May 16, 2012 at 7:42 am #

    I want to hang out with you two – you kill me!! (fugly had me rolling and I admit it took me halfway through to figure ou the names and I’m FROM Jersey…).

    I try to stick to my rule that the bedtime book HAS to be an actual story. But sometimes I’m suckered into reading the names of Star Wars characters from his multi-volume SW encyclopedia or the names of fish from his aquarium how-to guide. I can’t make up stories – I do not write fiction!
    Michelle Longo recently posted..Dad.My Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 16, 2012 at 8:47 am #

      Oh my goodness Michelle, I now remember reading from the illustrated encyclopedia, too. The main drawback was where to end! On and on and on…

      And I feel like we need a disclaimer. We don’t watch Jersey Shore either, but I know the names from Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Ellen

  18. kristin
    May 16, 2012 at 10:18 am #

    Haha! Sweet dreams MotherCluckers!
    kristin recently posted..Mother’s Day without MomMy Profile

  19. Jennifer
    May 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

    That. Was. Awesome. And now I have confirmation I’m not the only over-25 Jersey Shore addict.
    Jennifer recently posted..The House at the End of the BlockMy Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 16, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

      Well, I’m taking this as high praise because we both have never seen the show. We went with what we knew from the Jimmy Kimmel show and Google. Fist pump. :) Ellen

  20. Susanna Bartee
    May 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    “Why does a chicken have a frying pan ANYWAY?” Still laughing!

    • The Sisterhood
      May 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm #

      Thank you for appreciating the subtly of that one too. ;) Ellen

  21. Vanessa
    May 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    Who gives a book with no words? How is that supposed to help you raise a reader?

    I’ve never watched Jersey Shore, but this was pretty funny.
    Vanessa recently posted..5 Things About Dating MisadventuresMy Profile

  22. Kristin
    May 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Wait – there has to be a moral! Hahaha!

    I have two books without (many) words that I like. Two. One is Dinosaur! and the other is HUG. In fact, HUG makes me tear up every time. The Fox and Hen thing is way too complicated for all that. Although, I wouldn’t mind making up some lines about that frying pan.
    Kristin recently posted..It Hurts on the InsideMy Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 16, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

      I like HUG, too. I have fond memories of “reading” that with my girls. And just for the record, I have never used the word “motherclucker” at bedtime story time. Ellen

  23. Shiftless Mommie
    May 16, 2012 at 9:20 pm #

    “Falcon of Unknown Genealogical Lineage…Y’all.”

    Just..HA!

    I’m usually super sensitive about children’s literature skewers, but this was hysterical. Also, this book had it coming.
    Shiftless Mommie recently posted..No Pass.My Profile

  24. Susan
    May 16, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    oh, mothercluckers. i’m pretty sure you’ve just given me the perfect alternative to my favorite word to use around my children. and i can’t wait to see the baffled looks on my neighbor’s faces. too funny.
    Susan recently posted..The Princess BrideMy Profile

  25. TriGirl
    May 17, 2012 at 12:26 am #

    Wow. That. Was. Awesome. As someone who spends a good part of my week making up stories to go along with pictures, I just loved that! Though I have to say, that is a messed up book!!
    TriGirl recently posted..Wine Before Beer, Have No Fear. Wine Before Yoga…My Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 17, 2012 at 7:26 am #

      It was so ridiculous I could barely stand it. There’s a sequel too. Oh yes. Rooster’s Revenge where rooster tries to get some satisfaction because Hen is with Fox. There is much anger AND psychedelic mushrooms. Kids books at their finest. Ellen

  26. Lisa Nolan
    May 17, 2012 at 1:49 am #

    I’ll leave a comment as soon as I stop laughing! Very finger-licking funny! Or linger-fricking lunny. OK, I suck at this. I’m off to read more blogs, but I’ll be back! Cluck, cluck!
    Lisa Nolan recently posted..Climbing StairsMy Profile

  27. Steph sikorski
    May 17, 2012 at 9:28 am #

    I am laughing out loud!
    Out loud i tell ya, in McDonalds!! Fantastic!
    Steph sikorski recently posted..Simply LivingMy Profile

    • The Sisterhood
      May 17, 2012 at 10:19 am #

      Yay! We laugh out loud inMcDonald’s too—-usually when we are trying to write together!! So glad you liked it. It was fun to write! Erin

  28. Jill, Tales of a Failed Crunchy Mom
    May 17, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

    Hilarious! I have never heard of this book before, it looks horrifying. You guys totally fixed it, though I’m positive I will have nightmares about the ficken.
    Jill, Tales of a Failed Crunchy Mom recently posted..Things You Can Do With BoobsMy Profile

  29. Julia
    May 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

    You guys are hilarious. Awesome.
    Julia recently posted..Stop and SeeMy Profile

  30. Jay- The Dude of the House
    May 17, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    Thanks for sharing, you two hilarious Mothercluckers.
    Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Two-Line Tuesday: Lego MittsMy Profile

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