It’s Mother’s Day, and in the midst all of the heartfelt sentiment and beautiful displays of affection, we have a little something, something to get off our chests.
We love everyone in our lives who has a uterus: our mothers, our mothers-in-law, my sister, our children, our aunts, our sisters-in-law, and even each other. Truth be told, we have had lovely celebrations on that Sunday of Sundays, but you know Mother’s Day can make you a little twitchy.
Don’t deny it.
So if you too have a little Mother’s Day rant in your heart, come sit next to us and let us tell you a story . . .
Erin—May has caused Ellen to crack. She has rounded the bend. She has flown off the merry-go-round. She has left the building.
She just whirled through my house Tazmanian-devil style, and now she is sprawled on my couch like she is paying me by the hour.
Ellen— My calendar is killing me! The activities themselves—they’re pretty wonderful—but they are crammed into my schedule like clowns in a Fiat.
Erin— And they keep coming one after another in a relentless assault on time, patience, and sanity. It can make you feel a little overwhelmed and under-loved.
Ellen–It makes ME feel like I have an elbow lodged up my arse.
Erin— Melodrama much?
Ellen—Where’s the love? I have a to-do list from here to Tuesday that isn’t going anywhere, and I have shot myself in the foot because I left my ever-loving purse at home. So now I must drive past the nursery, because I can’t even buy my Mother’s Day plants. One more thing unchecked on my to-do list. One more reason to sink into this couch and hide.
Erin– I did offer to give you money…
Ellen– … but your four crinkled dollar bills and Wal-Mart receipt would not have taken me as far as I needed to go.
Erin– You know MacGyver could fashion one beauty of a Mother’s Day gift with a pack of gum and some duct tape.
Ellen – Oh, I know what I could do with some duct tape right now. I’m giving you notice. Forget that other idea we had for next week’s post!
Erin— The one we both agreed was perfect and reasonable, and oh, how shall I say it, sensible?
Ellen— Forget all of it! This is going to be my finest hour.
This is going to be . . .
Erin— Your Alamo. (Ellen’s look of death) Still not helping?
Ellen–This isn’t my last stand. THIS is going to be my “whipping” post.
Erin– Oh, that’s sooo much better (read sarcasm LOUD AND CLEAR) but remember Ellen is fraying at the edges, so let’s just humor her.
Ellen— Mother’s Day is like a snake eating its tail! The celebrated are the celebrators, and the end result: You just get bitten in your butt.
Who are you? The guest of honor or the party planner? We’ll tell you WHAT you are! Bitten in the arse is what you are.
Who started this holiday anyway? I think it was a Hallmark Conspiracy.
Erin – There is something kind of messed up about a holiday where you are supposed to be the guest of honor AND the party planner.
But the cards the kids make are cute and sometimes they give flowers. And don’t forget the chocolates.
Ellen–Oh, yes, they are just the best (read MY sarcasm Loud and clear), says my fat derriere. ‘Cause nothing says “I love you” like an extra inch on the hips.
Erin—This is worse than I thought. She’s turning on chocolate.
Ellen-Where can we stop the honoring?
Erin– Seriously, who gets to wear the tiara on the “big day?” Since Hallmark pretty much includes any person with lady parts on the list of honorees, it makes it a little tough to figure out.
Ellen–When you are a new mother, the dirty secret is you don’t want a crown or a scepter, you just want to be left alone.
Erin—Preferably with a box of wine and a book. (Ellen’s raised eyebrow) It’s real wine.
Ellen— I’m sure it is.
Erin– But when you are old, all you want to do is gather everyone to your bosom.
Ellen— It’s a generational tug o’ war. Don’t forget choosing between your family and the in-laws.
Erin— That tug o’ war rope might make a lovely noose.
Don’t forget the landmines some of us are sidestepping on this “special day” like death, divorce, infertility, dysfunction, and estrangement.
Ellen– Whoa. I gotta lay down again.
Erin – Do you need a cold cloth?
Ellen– What I need is a scapegoat! Oh magic Google, who got us into this mess?
Erin— Ellen might have left the ranch at this point.
Magic Google brought us here!
Ellen – Check this out! This goes on and on about how this “holiday” has roots in ancient Egyptian, Roman, and Greek culture. I am not buying it. Do not pander to my intellectuality, you Mother’s Day machine!
Erin – Oh. My. Goodness.
Ellen– Okay, scrolling down. Here’s my target: Julia Ward Howe. This mess all started with her! This chick penned the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Erin – Impressive!
Ellen—And during the Civil War she called mothers to come together and protest the futility of sons killing sons.
Erin– Noble!
Ellen– But her execution kinda flopped. She furthered her noble ideas with . . . parties.
Erin– Fail.
Ellen – Oh but wait, the fail becomes epic. She funded like 18 woman’s groups to have celebrations for several years, but once she stopped the money flow the holiday fizzled!
See? See!?!
The woman not only had to pay for her own party, but everyone else’s too. And once she stopped driving the gravy train, everyone bailed.
Erin– Sounds familiar.
Ellen– But this Mother’s Day idea won’t die. Fast forward to 1908. Our next perpetrator is Anna M. Jarvis. She CAMPAIGNED for the creation of an official Mother’s Day in remembrance of her mother and in honor of peace.
Erin—Oh my goodness, who has this kind of time?
Ellen– Well, remember, they didn’t have blogging back then.
Erin– Poor girl innocently started her campaign by giving flowers out in church.
Ellen –But apparently the flowers did what the Battle Hymn of the Republic could not. By 1909, while Mother’s Day was still not an official holiday, 46 states, Canada and parts of Mexico were celebrating it.
Erin – Ole, we made this misery multinational.
Ellen– But now in an extraordinary display of misplaced grief, Anna quit her job to promote this mess.
I don’t know if I can read anymore.
Erin – Where were her friends and neighbors to give her a reality check? She didn’t need to take this show on the road, she needed some love and attention. Kinda like Ellen right now.
Ellen– I’m fine. This is what incredulity with a side of defeat looks like. But it looks like her persistence paid off. She got somewhere. In 1912, West Virginia was the first state to make Mother’s Day official.
Erin—Aww, good for West Virginia. Mad props.
Ellen—And in 1914, Woodrow Wilson made it official.
Erin – Now it’s my turn for some incredulity! In the middle of the whole world war starting? Really?
Ellen—Maybe it was an economic move because listen to this: The Florist Review went so far as to print, “This was a holiday that could be exploited.”
It’s in quotes, it’s on the internet, it supports my point.
Erin—So it must be true.
Ellen—And truth is better than fiction. Now we get to the juicy.
Anna wigs out about all of the commercialization of her precious holiday. By 1923, she was SUING to stop Mother’s Day events.
Erin– Control freak much?
Ellen – It gets better! In the 1930’s, she was ARRESTED for disturbing the peace at the American War Mothers group. She was protesting their sale of FLOWERS. Hah!
Erin– Are you doing the math? This woman has been wrapped up in Mother’s Day for 2 decades. And now she’s going to jail over FLOWERS!
Ellen– But wait, she apparently has miles to travel before she is completely off the reservation.
The U.S. government chose to honor her mother with a postage stamp and did she just say “Thank you?”
No, she PROTESTED to get the words “Mother’s Day” removed.
Would I offend you?
Erin– Ouch! Way to turn on your creation, Dr. Frankenstein.
Ellen– Maybe she became aware of her freakishness over the flowers, because she moved onto bigger fish: copyrighting the words Mother’s Day.
Erin – There are no words. Were there support groups back then? Was she successful?
Ellen – Hell no! She had spent so much time anguishing over the floral industry that ship had sailed. And speaking of sailing ships, here is one of her last quotes.
[In opposition to the flower industry’s exploitation of the holiday]: “What will you do to route charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers, and other termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest, and truest movements and celebrations?”
Erin– Wow.
Ellen– But the Florist Review had the last word, “Miss Jarvis was completely squelched.”
Erin– Like a termite?
Ellen –It’s in quotes.
Erin– So it must be true.
Do you want a glass of water?
Ellen – Wait! Here is the most cosmic karma part of it all! Anna Jarvis died in 1948—blind, poor, and childless.
Erin– It sounds like a bad country song. Should I laugh or cry? The choice always throw me.
Ellen – (reading slowly) “Jarvis would never know that it was, ironically, The Florist’s Exchange that had anonymously paid for her care.”
Erin – It WAS a conspiracy. This is exactly why I want to drive the karma bus. Otherwise, you could end up under it.
Ellen – Yeah, I’m not paying you for this session.
Erin – You don’t have your purse anyway.
Ellen – But I’m getting the duct tape now.
Hope your Mother’s Day was just grand! Here are some happy pictures of us on the big day with our kids!
Ellen’s Crew
Erin’s Army
(This post was originally published in 2012.)
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Next year, Mother’s Day in a cave! We’ll concoct an emergency. I’ll bring the wine & cheese.
Jennifer recently posted..Shopping For Summer Clothes
I knew you had more than a touch of the brilliance. Ellen
p.s. yes your kids are the cutest.
Jennifer recently posted..Shopping For Summer Clothes
My Mom lives far away so on Mother’s day I get all the spoiling and none of the work.
That sounds like heaven! Erin
The ‘relentless assault’…oh, how I get the relentless assault right now. The list is endless.
I know I’m late to this, but, yes, I mostly want to left alone for Mother’s Day. How does it always become so much bigger than it needs to be??
Love you, ladies!
heidi recently posted..be generous
My Mother’s Day was pretty laid back and nice but WHOA I know how you’re feeling about the month of MAY!!! And June is already mostly filled up as well!!! Maybe I’ll just stay in a perpetual season of AUTUMN
Wow, I didn’t Mother’s Day had such a disturbing history. I love this day even more now. My Mother’s day was subdued until I blackmailed my husband into getting me breakfast in bed. You see I waited for breakfast in bed…forever…when it didn’t come and my son came upstairs to “wake me up” I sent this note down with him…
“Mothers day = breakfast in bed.
If this is not achieved then fathers day will be forgotten…oh and no sex.”
My husband high tailed it to McDonalds and got me breakfast in bed. Bahaha.
Carrie recently posted..Gabriel, My Wayward Son.
I’m thinking you could have edited that note down to Breakfast in bed or No sex. 🙂
The history was kind of disturbing, wasn’t it? It’s the only reason my rant became a post; we wanted to
disseminateshare that info. EllenThis year was the best mother’s day. We did nothing. NOTHING. I got breakfast in bed and handmade cards. It was fabulous. No plans, no rushing around, no stress. Ahhhhh….perfection! And yes, your kids have the cutest backs of heads EVER!
Delilah recently posted..Dear Producers of TLC Birth Moms,
You are living the dream. That is all I wanted to do: Nothing. In my jammies. With my babies. 🙂 Ellen
Hahahah this makes me want to ask my mom what she thought of mother’s day when we were little…but I don’t think I want to know
Mayor Gia recently posted..In Another Episode of Weird Pictures that Have No Context…
I love learning new things. Thanks for that history lesson. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I love that the florists paid for Anna’s care. Flowers and cards.. I’ll refrain from an eco assault on them and just offer you both a belated Happy Mother’s Day, and the back’s of your kids heads are delightful, none better. Cheers!
stephanie recently posted..Science of the Heart
Let me tell you about a snake eating it’s tail. I work at a place that grows and sells potted plants. One of our biggest ship weeks is mom’s day. We sell potted plants over the internet. All of us in the office have the pleasure of helping to stuff a gazillion cards/notes into a sticky plastic envelope.
I’m all in favor of just treating our loved ones well and appreciating them 365 days a year.
Vanessa recently posted..5 Things About Yard Work
Oh man that is bogus! If I was a mom, and I hope I am someday!! I would arrange a “surprise” mother’s day party for myself and other moms. I’d get everyone in on it. I’d say I don’t want any presents, just come to my party.
And I would say “the party is at 10am, but because it’s a surprise, I won’t come until 10:30am”. And the party would be at a waterpark. And all the dads and people would be there too.
So they’d all leave the house and be there by 10am.
When I was sure they were all there. I’d text them this message:
“None of the moms are coming. You guys stay there ALL DAY.”
And then I would eat pizza in bed in my pajamas and laugh and laugh and laugh and then go back to bed ALL F-ing DAY.
Pish Posh recently posted..You’re Full of Crap: Congratulations, Grads!
You’re a genius. having kids will beat such good ideas right out of you! ; ) Erin
Do I sound too simpering if I say you’re a GENIUS! Damn, Girl. Ellen
You guys make me smile and giggle through your posts. I LOVE the snake analogy. It’s so true!
Mel at According to Mags recently posted..I FOUGHT THE STROLLER…AND THE STROLLER WON
You both have such a lovely family 🙂
jamieywrites recently posted..Give Up: New Perspective
Thank you! You should see them facing the front. 🙂 Ellen
my daughters birthday is right by {and sometimes on} mother’s day. by the time i make sure she’s all celebrated, i hardly care that it’s mothers day. i smell the mutany in the history you and the historian google told. i stand behind you 🙂 although, i won’t lie, i’ll keep the homemade cards. those are cute!
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Smoky Mountain Air
We cherish the cards, too. That’s why we didn’t have the heart to publish this on Mother’s Day. 🙂
The back of all of your children’s heads are gorgeous.
I love you crazy women!
Write Rinse Repeat recently posted..A Post for My Pop(s)
I love the pictures with your kids! Those are CRACKING me up!
Jennifer – treading water in the kiddie pool recently posted..The Snotty Schnoz
Almost heaven, West Virginia….this post made me more stressed than my to-do list. Relax. Drink some wine. Seriously, interesting factoids. Pinning under “history”. Love you guys, I mean ladies. So glad your kiddos have you-sincerely.
Kimberly S. (Sperk*) recently posted..Wednesday’s Woman: You’re a Lifesaver
You ladies make history fun…who am I kidding? y’all make everything fun!
And I can’t believe it West Virginia strikes again! That state will haunt y’all forever…
Katie recently posted..We Are Young
We could be the new Animaniacs (remember them?) or Schoolhouse Rocks! I can feel Ellen cringing from here! ; ) Erin
Glad you got the nod and the wink! 😉 Ellen
I can’t complain this year: My husband was desperate that I make plans – and plans – without him and the kids. (I’m notoriously difficult and apathetic about these things.) So, I decided I would finally go and see The Hunger Games on my own. Then a friend said that her husband wanted her to make plans, and I invited her along. It was divine! Almost empty theatre, smuggled in Twizzlers, no kids (not even in the theatre), and I got to order sushi when I returned home.
Kristin recently posted..Working Class Dog
That sounds heavenly!! Glad you had a great day. Loved that movie. We both did. Erin
um, yes: thank you. thank you. thank you.
Susan recently posted..Hurricane Plants
I hate Mothers Day. There I said it.
I always feel like I’m not honoring someone properly. My wife, my mom, her mom…
Then I always feel like I’m setting horrible example for my kids who I intend will be awesome little honorers (feel free to add more erererers if you like)
Now Fathers Day…my dad is so laid back I don’t have to worry. Plus it’s my day, so if I want to hang with my dad I can. My father in law would rather golf by himself.
Clowns in a fiat…love it.
WG
WilyGuy recently posted..One Terrifying Night
I keep telling my husband every year to get us the tickets to the Phillies’ Mother’s Day game. I would be insulated with my hubby and my girls and have a wonderful day while being treated like a queen. There would even be a free gift. One day. 🙂 Ellen
Love, love, love … I used to not like the mothers who said that all they wanted for mothers day was to be left alone … until my second mothers day … three months pregnant when the damn baby daddy WOKE ME UP to give me breakfast in bed … I was so pissed … but I smiled and ate my breakfast lol 🙂
Lemonade Lady recently posted..There Once Was A Blogger Named Sperk* …
Yeah I kind of hate Mother’s Day. So much pressure! The expectations! Thanks for being braver than me and writing this. I think I’ll start a boycott in honor of Anna Jarvis’ plight.
Jill, Tales of a Failed Crunchy Mom recently posted..The Room Where No Children Shall Pass
I seriously considered just taking my kindle and a jug of water into the garden shed and hiding for the entire day. Instead I got a sun burn. Yay Mothers Day. I think we all need a comfy couch at a friend’s house to sink into once in a while!
Tracy @ Scribblesaurus Me recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Faith
so true: the best gift a mother can get for mother’s day, at least until her kids leave home, is for everyone to just leave her the hell alone. preferably in her OWN house, which means they should all go away. and then…the worm (or the snake) turns and we get all “you never call you never write don’t mind me sitting here alone eating cat food & I don’t even have a cat.”
or maybe, really, all a mother needs for mother’s day is a really really good woman friend…and maybe that’s all we need when we hit the catfood-eating stage, too.
Hallmark should co-brand a variety of boxed wines for next mother’s day. And I think you two could be the new Bartles and James.
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Goodbye Grandma Fran
I’m sure you could have found something on pinterest that used all those leftover wine boxes & masking tape to fashion some sort of Mother’s Day gift.
Jackie recently posted..Daddy Does It
Love you! Would you die if I actually did that and posted it to Pinterest? “A Pinterest for the Rest of US!” I do have some pretty fancy duct tape. 🙂 Ellen
I think Mother’s Day should be a holiday, from being a mom for the day (or at least the morning!).
I vote to keep Mother’s Day. My hubby will do anything I ask, like clean out the stove and the fridge! Gotta love Valentine’s Day for the same reason! “Honey, please clean out my car!” And when my son is old enough, I’ll put him to work, too!
Great post!
Lisa Nolan recently posted..The Lights Are Out
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