We have a love hate relationship with Mother’s Day. We are both blessed to have our mothers and we adore our kids, but May is just so overwhelming. With the dances and the plays and the banquets and the tournaments and the weddings and the graduations, we feel like we could meet ourselves coming and going.
This May is so hectic, we’re really too tired to even get on a good rant about it. Eh, we did it last year and it still applies. Our favorite part is that the creator of Mother’s Day was driven crazy by Mother’s Day. She died blind, poor, and childless. Go read all about it.
We were going to be more positive this year and write a list of fabulous Mother’s Day gifts, but the brilliant Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns beat us to it with her hilarious post, Ten Things I Really Want for Mother’s Day. Just to seal the deal that you click on over to read it, here is number seven on her list. But you need to pinkie swear promise that you will come back because we plan on hitching this post to the hilarious train. We swear.
7. I want to pee and poop alone. I will prepare for the day by downing a tanker truck full of liquid and eating ridiculous amounts of fiber.
Thanks for coming back. We knew you loved us. And we won’t disappoint you because we decided to go the way of Pintershit for this one.
1. Nothing “As Seen on TV”
Ellen: Whoa wait! Why is this first on the list? I got one of those Perfect Brownie Pans one year and I love it! I can make 18 perfectly sized, moist and chewy brownies, each with perfect edges every single time!
Erin: Do you have a side job as a spokesmodel? I was thinking more along the lines of this beauty. I picture myself with a dandelion puff of a rat’s nest after using this. Your head of matted hair would be spectacular. It would give new meaning to the saying, “My hair looks like a cyclone hit it.”
Source: aircurler.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
Ellen: Okay so this is kind of bad, but on the other hand they are kind of winning me over with the word “luscious.” But on the other other hand, it kind of looks like some deranged Barbie themed breastmilking device. But just for the record, “As Seen on TV” doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad. I’m also the proud owner of a Snuggie and Footie Pajamas – complete with a trap door. See?
Erin: This picture right here might be all the Mother’s Day gift I need.
Ellen: You’re welcome. By the way, Kids, don’t listen to Miss Erin. I’d totally be into the Air Curler.
2. A No For Everyone but Ellen
Erin: Based on the footie pajamas, I’m assuming this would be a hit with you.
Ellen: Hellz yes. I pray I get this to scare the bejeezus out of you when we go camping together. THAT would be the best Mother’s Day gift ever for me.
Source: soapdispenser01.blogspot.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
3. Nothing Creepy
Ellen: Dude? What’s wrong with skeletons?
Erin: Damn, you must be easy to shop for. But c’mon, these chairs say, “Start digging in the back yard for bodies.”
Ellen: Maybe, but I wouldn’t want them because the vertebrae are all wrong.
Erin: Yeah. That’s the problem.
Source: betterlivingthroughdesign.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
4. Nothing that is Really About Our Kids’ Interests
Erin: We support our kids, but we do have our own interests. Mother’s Day should be about us, not about us ONLY having identities through our children. For example, we try not to take the “sports mom” thing too far.
Ellen: These shoes are the definition of too far.
Source: google.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
5. Nothing Alive
Erin: I would find the pressure to keep this gift alive soul crushing.
Ellen: Agreed. But it looks so comfortable and stylish. What could be bad about having a pot of dirt around your neck?
Source: fab.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
6. Nothing Using Our Kitchens
Ellen: While the thought of breakfast in bed seems appealing, things would not turn out like this.
Source: kingofcooking.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
Erin: We’ve been at this mothering gig for quite a while, you can’t fool us.
Ellen: Our kitchens would so look like a typhoon hit a garbage dump.
Erin: And we would so have to clean it up. I can’t even think about the puddles of syrup. No freakin’ pancakes are worth this. Just let us get our own cereal. We’re good.
Source: thekitchn.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
7. Nothing Creepy!
Erin: No words.
Ellen: Is it weird I’m almost as disturbed by her nappy hair as that hideous earring?
Erin: Maybe she got the Air Curler for Mother’s Day.
Source: imgur.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
8. WE SAID NOTHING CREEPY!
Ellen: For the love of God, burn it!
Erin: Bury it in the back yard!
Source: etsy.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
Okay, on that note we’re done with the anti gift guide. So what do we want?
Ellen: I like my Mother’s Day simple and my gifts sweet. One of my favorites were these “Sweet Hearts” that my youngest made them for me.
Erin: They are adorable. I like my gifts simple and sweet too. Here’s my list: Kelly Moore camera bag, sports lens for my Nikon, and a remodeled bathroom.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Ellen and Erin
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I find Mother’s Day totally pointless, so you can imagine how I loved this list. Thanks for the laughs, ladies! Now I’m off to see if Zappos has flipper heels.
Michelle – You’re my favorite today. recently posted..Hot Hollywood Hell – When Hollywood Goes Punk (or attempts to).
Mother’s Day does drive me nuts. It turns into SOOOO much work. If you got flipper heels, I would totally get some too. 🙂 Ellen
This is undoubtably the best collection of heinous gifts I could imagine. Thanks for making my day.
susan recently posted..What I want for Mother’s Day (it’s simple)
We aim to excel at all we do. Thanks! Ellen
And I’m going to have nightmares about egg babies eating me in my sleep tonight….
Tracy@CrazyAsNormal recently posted..The One That’s The First You’re Doing it Wrong Wednesdays
Do you know you would have to pay $100 to bring that thing into your house? But I guess that is a bargain compared to the price of the exorcism to get it out. Ellen
wow you really found some uh real winners, or uh losers. my favorite is the pot-o-dirt necklace, that is some serious wtf?
Anna recently posted..Instructions for My Husband: Frozen Yogurt and Ice Cream are Not “the Same Thing”
My husband has made several “illegal plant” jokes about that necklace. Ellen
Thank you for a very well needed laugh! The eye earrings and the baby in egg is beyond creepy!!! Such a fun post, I feel like I got an early Mother’s day gift from you both! xo
Kathy Radigan recently posted..Mother’s Day In All It’s Glory
We all can use laughter any day of the year! Ellen
I like how that one for the hair curler says “Buy one, Get one”. I know they probably mean get one free, but technically they could mean, buy one and you will get that one.
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..Bless You!
That is subtlety hilarious! Ellen
I’m dying over #7! Great list, once again!
hollow tree ventures recently posted..The best worst Mother’s Day gift
Those earrings would either be crazy magnets or keep the crazy away. It’s hard to tell. Ellen
Egg baby what??? It reminded me of the Satan baby thing in Passion of the Christ. Yikes!! I do, however, want the bear costume thing. I can think of a few kids I’d LOVE to scare the crap out of this Halloween!!
Mom Rants and Comfy Pants recently posted..Ferris Bueller Day – Mom Style
And the bear costume is actually a sleeping bag! I like my WTF items to be multifunctional. 🙂 Ellen
I am telling you ya’ll need to make this a carnival cause you KNOW some of us might be following some pretty twisted people.. I mean not me or anything.. *bats eyelashes innocently
Southern Angel recently posted..Dear Mike Jefferies.. to be catering to the ‘beautiful people’ you sure are not one of them
Ha!
Too funny. That little wee potted plant necklace. Who thinks of that? And the flipper shoes.
Jamie@SouthMainMuse recently posted..Diego Rivera, Frida Kahlo — and the second graders.
Now that I think of it, that necklace looks FABULOUS with those shoes. 😉 Ellen
Giant baby head coming out of the egg is going to give me nightmares.
Alison recently posted..What I Really Want For Mother’s Day
You’re welcome! Happy Mother’s Day! Ellen
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Who in God’s name made that baby in the egg thing? I think I’m going to have nightmares. And a plant in a necklace. I think I’d still forget to water it even though it’s a foot from my eyeballs! This was awesome as usual ladies!
Vicky
http://thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com/
Vicky recently posted..I pity the fool who doesn’t love his mutha!
That baby egg thing is $100 of off etsy. That is the price of nightmares. Ellen
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You guys are too funny. Live up Mother’s Day. You deserve it after writing this post!
Cathy Chester recently posted..Mother’s Day: To Save A Life Is To Save The World
I hate mother’s day but in recent years, my mother has been satisfied with us going to the deli that they go to every Sunday with their friends. She just likes that we go too. So, I steel myself for a dirty Sunday deli with ancient coffee mugs and mediocre pancakes. Easy. Peasy.
sparkling74 recently posted..Charge the Batteries
So far this year I got a Happy Mother’s Day text from my husband and lunch from my son because everyone forgot to get up early enough to make me breakfast. Oh, except the toddler who managed to cover the kitchen in oatmeal while I showered for church when his brother was supposed to tend him, but went back to sleep instead. And I am kind of tired of seeing all the mamas on FB who are apparently having a lovely day. Stupid holiday.
Stacey recently posted..The Worth of a Mom
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