Do you have heart palpitations?
Sweaty palms?
A tight, strangled feeling in your throat?
Does the mention of “December” make you want to throat punch an elf?
Well since naming a problem is 4/13 of the way to scoring medication, we have a diagnosis for you!
Maternal Calendar Flippage Anxiety Disorder or McFAD
Ellen: Maybe I don’t speak for all mothers, but my family’s schedule stresses me out. And no more so than in December.
Erin: You are not alone, but I think you’re forgetting about May.
Ellen: Are you trying to send me over the edge? At least after you maneuver through May like an A.D.D. chipmunk on Wipe-Out, you have the glorious summer as a reward.
After December, you have ice . . and darkness . . . and despair.
Erin: You’re more of a summer person, aren’t you? But I hear you. In addition to the normal homework/sports practices/club meetings/life, you get to add concerts, parades, parties, pageants, and decorating. And YOU have a December baby! Don’t forget about the epic sleepovers.
Ellen: Yeah, I was in danger of forgetting that (read in sarcasm font). My anxiety after flipping my calendar from November to December was nearly crippling. And to add to it all, my newly minted high school freshman has joined a club volleyball team. This means TRAVELING to TOURNAMENTS.
Erin: Isn’t “tournaments” Latin for games that cost you lots of moolah and keep you hanging as to whether you are forfeiting one day of your weekend or two depending on whether your child’s team is victorious or crushed by defeat? Pretty much, it’s tears if you win and tears if you lose.
Ellen: I could not even open the email containing the schedule last night. My only defense was denial. I still haven’t opened the email, but while I was polishing my avoidance techniques (we all know I was just playing on Pinterest), I got a phone call reminder for my annual gyn exam. What kind of nut cone masochist schedules a routine exam in December??
Erin: It doesn’t make it any easier that the fall sports are still on the menu as we start piling our plate full of winter sports. We now have to balance the high school soccer banquet in the midst of ferrying the crew to basketball practices. And just to make things really interesting, girl child is in a Christmas musical. And this is tech week. If you are fortunate enough to NOT know what that is, then go break a leg.
Ellen: Motherhood is not a pissing contest, but I suggest you put on your raincoat and galoshes now. I have my gyn exam on the same day that Coco (14) has an emergency practice for the winter concert that is scheduled over top of the travel volleyball team meeting which coincides with my youngest visiting shut-ins with the church youth group. The winter concert is the next day and it overrides swim team practice. I could go on but . . .
Got a handle on the symptoms yet? Don’t make us continue this rant disguised as an informational post any longer. Let’s discuss cure!
Wait for it . . .
Ellen: There is none! Aside from stranding yourself on an island like Tom Hanks in Castaways with only a volleyball to keep you company . . .
Erin: Isn’t volleyball a main source of your stress right now?
Ellen: Okay then. Back to “There is no cure!”
But there is treatment!
Ellen: Pretty much what works for the rest of motherhood too: wine, whine, chocolate, and carbs.
Erin: Well, we certainly have the whine down. This season is perfect for teetoalling all variety of sugar-y confections, so you have plenty of options for self-medication. Sugar cookies, hot chocolate, and cream puffs, oh my! You could be free lining powdered sugar with the best of them in no time . .
Ellen: Free lining? It cracks me up when you try to go all street. Um, it’s either free basing or main lining.
Erin: Whatever you call it, it WILL help. Until you realize that now you can’t fit into your cute holiday party clothes and people have started mistaking you for Mrs. Claus. But there is still hope for you! Holiday music—the balm for the masses. And calorie-free. I hope. Because I have been overindulging in it since the drive home for Thanksgiving.
Ellen: Are you freakin’ kidding me? When my kids were toddlers, I had the worst massage of my life because of Christmas carols. I was just cashing in a gift card that was about to expire at the end of December to try to get the lump of concrete worked out of my neck. I was trying to give myself the gift of a one hour break, only to be escorted into a treatment room where carols were blaring from the speakers. I politely asked the therapist to change the music because it was was spotlighting what I was hiding from — the shopping, the baking, the cleaning, the decorating, the Christmas carding. She did nothing but cut into my time to berate me about my bad attitude and to pontificate that I just needed to see the joy in the music. This was the first and only time in my life I have ever stiffed someone on a tip, but she got a schooling on the meaning of Grinch.
Erin: Four out seven of my family members agrees with you, but darn girl. Maybe you need some more exercise to work out that stress.
Ellen: Brilliant! Exercise always makes me feel better.
Erin: Hey, we could organize a 5K to raise awareness for McFAD. Donations could go directly to the wine and carb fund.
Ellen: Hmmm, that doesn’t seem like a counterproductive loop at all. And more importantly, wouldn’t that just put one more thing on our calendars?
Erin: Good point.
Addendum from Ellen: MY GYN CHASTISED ME FOR GAINING 10 POUNDS SINCE LAST YEAR. I did just have a surgical recovery spanning Halloween AND Thanksgiving where I was not cleared to exercise. Put that in your Santa pipe and smoke it.
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I laughed out loud!! This is awesome. Although, hands off my Bon Jovi…he is totally mine! 😉
thedoseofreality recently posted..Oh Just Go Elf Yourself!
I’ll arm wrestle you for him and I have mad skills. Erin
I was in the middle of grad school and feeling very burnt out on it when Castaway came out. I remember everyone feeling sad after the movie but I came out of it thinking how lucky that guy was to have all that free time on a sunny tropical island with nothing to do but relax. What I would have given to be him.
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..Curious George Assassination
I had a new baby and I felt the exact same way. Wilson is even a happy code word between me and my husband. Erin
While I’d love to sympathize right now, I’ve made the mother of all mistakes. I got pregnant in March…which means I’m due 12.26! Repeat c-section scheduled for 12.19, just in time to make it back to my house just in time for Christmas!
I have exactly 13 days (if the kid agrees to stay in) to get my shit together. God help me!
My only solace, at least I can drink on Christmas…if I’m off the percosets of course!
Jackie recently posted..Nearly Popped
Oh, I do sympathize with you, Jackie. I think about you often because I too have a December baby, but thank goodness she is a bit earlier in the month.
So here is a PSA for the rest of the world: DON’T HAVE SEX IN MARCH. Any contact is just too risky. 🙂 Ellen
Hilarious! I am resenting the Elf on the Shelf that I feel I was forced into buying.. now I have to move the damn thing every night.
Lisa @ RunWiki recently posted..Christmas Crackers for Runners
If you had asked, I might have been able to steer you away from adding more to your already full plate. Of course you ARE making priceless memories. Erin
We should warn women not to conceive in March. I have a December baby too, what a pesky time of year to have a birthday no? 🙂
Alison recently posted..Not Quite Right
Maybe I should add another addendum, right? Ellen
So THAT’S what’s wrong with me?! (LOL.) I should mention that my birthday is December 23rd, and (wait for it) my wedding anniversary is December 30th. No pressure. 😛
I don’t honestly know whether to laugh or cry. Those two definitely kick it up a notch. You’re my hero. Erin
Our kitchen calendar is still on November. I just can’t bring myself to change it. Even our stupid Elf climbed up beside it the other morning and wrote me a note informing me it’s now December 🙂 But I still haven’t changed it. Then maybe it won’t happen.
Katie E recently posted..Christmas Traditions: Ornaments #iPPP
That’s a great coping mechanism and I totally appreciate you bringing that dastardly elf into the mess. We all do what we gotta do. Erin
The massage story just made me snort out loud.
Jack recently posted..What Happens When You Get Bored With Blogging
That was exactly my response when she told me too. Do you think we should start adding some non-verbals into our dialogue now? Erin
LOL! This is pretty much how I’m feeling right now. My birthday is in December and as I present to myself and everyone else I take a spa day which should really be called a mental health day because at a certain point everyone needs a break from all the ‘cheer’ and togetherness.
I would definitely find a way to put this back on the calendar. Great idea. Erin
My maternal grandmother has nine children, and she says that her all time favorite Christmas was the one spent in the hospital after having one of her many children. She was cleared to go home for an hour on Christmas day, and then back to the hospital and back to bed!
Amy recently posted..Elf (The Movie) Through The Eyes Of My Kids
I can totally see that. 🙂 Ellen
Your description of a tournament is spot-on. There has been more than one weekend in which I felt guilty for hoping they lose.
McFAD is real and it’s wearing me out. And contributing to the loss of my sanity.
Thanks for giving it a name.
christine recently posted..Happy New Year!
Ha! A wine fund might be worth it though 🙂
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits recently posted..50 Shades Lucky