Here’s the deal. Between January 31st and February 11th, both of us have birthdays and so do our husbands, so by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around this is pretty much how we feel:
Now don’t go calling us the Grinches of Valentine’s Day. We’re just tired of spending and doing by the time the 14th rolls round. Seriously, it’s hard enough mustering enthusiasm for birthdays once you high-five forty, but birthdays lurking along less than 50 days after Christmas? Meh. And then Valentine’s Day about a week later? Well, Sweet Brown up there expressed it best. We’re turning to our old pal Pintershizz to find —
10 Things Pintershizz We Don’t Have Time For on Valentine’s Day
1. Going out to dinner.
Does this surprise you? In theory it sounds good and we do love date nights with our husbands. However, Valentine’s Day is like amateur night: the menus are often fixed, the prices are hiked, and the service is lousy because the poor wait staff is running ragged fluttering those rose petals over champagne toasts. Give us a random Friday night out instead and we’ll swoon. Plus, Ellen still hasn’t gotten over the memory of the V-Day about 21 years ago when she and her husband got the worst case of food poisoning they have ever endured. The restaurant was named Il Fiore, but will forever be known as The ILL Fiore to Ellen and Frank.
You might consider al fresco dining as a way to beat the crowds, but it is February, People. A table for two outside can quickly turn into gurneys for two in the Emergency Room. Because frostbite. Unless you’re in the tropics and then why are you reading this post? It’ gorgeous, get outside. Pinterest source.
2. Flowers
Okay, now maybe we ARE vying for the title of “Grinches of Valentine’s Day,” but flowers on V-day just seem so trite, and well, easy. And oh my goodness, they are expensive. Just surprise us with daisies on a random day in June and use the rest of the flower fund to make us some spare keys for our vans so we have a 60% chance of getting out of the house on time.
Get a bonus King Kong sized box of Claritin if you order right now with promo code: thismakesmethinkyouareguiltyaboutsomething. Pinterest source.
3. Torture devices passing as sexy
Okay, we like sexy just as much as the next girl, but if it is going to cause us the discomfort of a thousand cactus needles being shoved under our fingernails while simultaneously enduring Justin Beiber piped directly into our craniums, then you can just throw that mess onto the Pintershit pile, too.
On second thought, maybe these will keep Pushy Peggy from running up on our junk in the Walmart checkout line. Pinterest source.
4. Lingerie
C’mon. Who’s the lingerie really for? Is it really a gift for us? See above if you’ve forgotten that quickly how we feel about sexy items passing for torture devices. Take Granny’s advice—nothing says sexy louder than a girl who is comfortable in her own skin panties—emphasis on the comfortable.
Is it underwear or washable birth control? Pinterest source.
5. Man Costumes
No!! Just because we said that lingerie was not exactly a gift for us, we didn’t mean our men had to dress up! This does not qualify as a gift either . . . although there is the gift of laughter to consider.
Want to see my toaster streudal? Pinterest source.
6. Geekery Fashion
We know we’ve just been yucking it up with the granny panties and with lederhosen, but Valentine’s Day really isn’t the time for gag gifts. If it makes you snicker in the store, just walk away or throw it on the Pintershizz bonfire.
It’s a puzzle, it’s a purse, no, it’s a bad idea. Pinterest source.
7. Things to Make Homemaking Easier
Get it together! No appliances are to be given on Valentine’s Day! Even a vacuum this cool can’t get you out of the doghouse . . . unless it comes with a FULL TIME housekeeper à la The Brady Bunch. So to clarify: any appliance without an “Alice” is Pintershizz.
The only thing that will be wanted if we receive appliances for Valentine’s Day is us . . . for murder. Pinterest source.
8. Sweets
We can hear you saying, “What is wrong with you two? What is so bad about candy on Valentine’s Day?” Well, let’s just say we’ve been working really hard trying to beat the post-40 bulge and we don’t actually want to fit into those granny panties.
Nope. No jewelry in here, only diabeetus. Pinterest source.
9. The Love Toilet
Do we really have to explain why this is Pintershizz? C’mon, you’re better than that!
What better way to spend $1400 than to pave your way to divorce court? Pinterest source.
10. The Wine Purse
What did we say about tacky gag gifts . . . wait a minute. This is pure genius! Write this one down.
Making friends at PTA meetings since 2014. Pinterest source.
So what will we accept on Valentine’s Day since we have just poo-pooed a ton of the classics and then some? Well,we’d never turn away jewelry.
Earrings always fit no matter how much Halloween/Christmas/Valentine’s Day candy you indulge in. Pinterest source.
Unless it looks like this! Get your head in the game!
Their dreams of us making supplemental income as voodoo priestesses are just gonna have to die. Maybe we could sell their baseball cards instead? Pinterest source.
The direct route to the romance-filled center of our hearts? A night away—No! A weekend away!—fully planned by our hubbies INCLUDING arrangements for the kids and pets. That last piece of planning is what makes this the true gift of romance. Can we get an “Amen”? But even the gazillion points they would earn by scheduling babysitting would be cancelled out if they took us here.
Nothing is more romantic than hanky-panky in a drainpipe. Pinterest source.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the oh-so-easy-to-please Sensible Sisterhood!
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There is nothing to add to this perfect list. A heartfelt card and some take-out screams romance to me. And maybe the possibility of a date night sometime in the near future.
If I had to share the Love Toilet with my husband, this would probably be our last Valentine’s Day. Grody!
Amy recently posted..5 Things A Webcam Peeping Tom Might Catch Me Doing
The heartfelt card is the best! Erin
Perfect. My favorite Valentine’s Days are the ones where my husband writes something really nice for me that reminds me why I love him in the first place. My birthday’s the day before Valentine’s Day, so we basically celebrate…neither.
Katie E recently posted..The Best Hot Chocolate Using a Mix
Ha! That sounds about right. My son turns 12 on the 12th. Good grief. Enough with the celebrating! Erin
The sandwich bed just killed me.
Happy non-Valentine’s day!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
I like that part too. Erin
Haha, that wine purse is pure awesome!
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits recently posted..My Two Hats
On that we can all agree! Bottoms up! Erin
OK, that wine purse? Pure genius. Also, I am always late to the viral video party, and I just saw that brilliant “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” clip a week ago, and now that line runs through my head ALL the time. Well played, my friends, you found the perfect way to incorporate it into your hilarious post! Pintershit bonfire… 🙂
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. recently posted..Weekend Snapshot
Ooh, now we have to work THAT into a post! Pintershit bonfire, indeed! Erin
Except Pintershit bonfire is already in this post. 🙂 Ellen
Love it. We boycot Valentine’s Day since we had our first huge couple fight on VD when we were first dating. Post kids, we hold an annual Un-Valetine’s Day Un-Party for “people who can’t or don’t want to get dates, reservations or babysitters.” If you’re ever in YYC on Feb 14, come crash!
nothingbythebook recently posted..More proof we all raise the children we deserve…
THAT sounds like an idea worth stealing! FABULOUS! And thanks for the un-invitation. 🙂 Ellen
I couldn’t have said it better myself. You girls are the bomb!!!!!!!!
Thank you! Those earrings were snazzy, right? Ellen
This is why I keep voting for you! I completely agree about the weekend away; that’s one thing I’d love. Of course, my sweetheart bought me cookies from my favorite bakery today, and you know I’m fine with wearing Pin-Up Girl Panties.
Ginger Kay recently posted..Do Opposites Attract? Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off
Yeah, I wouldn’t turn down a cupcake on V-day. And your Pin-Up Girl Panty post rocked. Ellen (Thank you for voting!!!!!)
HOLY CRAP!!!! I busted out lauging as soon asI read the first line! yOU ladies are freaking hilarious!!!! Seriously I keep looking at the pictures and laughing so annyoingly hard. GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!! on my way to vote for today!
Thank you (and thanks for voting)! This made my husband laugh, too. Ellen
The love toilet? where do you two find these things. Hilarious
paul recently posted..L’amour
THAT was an old Saturday Night Live fake commercial. You should look it up on You Tube. Ellen
Ha ha ha! That toilet! How in the heck did you find that?! Great list. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that doesn’t like getting flowers on V-day. My husband thought I was unusual.
Kate Hall recently posted..Oh No He Di’int Gimme That Gift
The toilet is a Saturday Night Live thing. Ans flowers? They are like watching money dying with a bog mess to clean up at the end. Ellen
Just when I thought I’d seen it all, I spy the love toilet. LAWD!
Your list is perfect.
I’d rather get anything (even the pig necklace) if it’s an actual thoughtful gesture. I really don’t want gifts of any kind that feel like obligations just because it’s February 14th. That’s not romantic. (unless it’s the diamond earrings. I’ll make an exception for those)
The Dose of Reality recently posted..Like Mother, Like Daughter
I am so glad you made an exception for the the diamond earrings because in my head I was screaming, “WHAT ABOUT THE EARRINGS??” Ellen
I actually did LOL when reading this. The sandwich bed makes me think of the West Edmonton Mall Fantasyland Hotel. & I agree–YES to the wine purse! Great list, as always!
Lisa C recently posted..What NOT to Get Me for Valentine’s Day
Glad we made you laugh and I’m going to have to Google that hotel! Ellen
Ha ha the Love toilet! The wine bag is tres cute too!
Lori recently posted..Valentines No No’s – what NOT to get for Her
I’m starting to think I NEED that wine bag. 😉 Ellen
The wine purse and the love toilet. Wow. And I thought I didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day.
Jamie@SouthMainMuse recently posted..10 Gifts that would be better to give than receive.
We’re here for you! Ellen
The wine bag may indeed work…
Wayne recently posted..Monday Quiz
We are pretty sure it would make your Valentine swoon. 😉 Ellen
Wow, that’s a whole mess of celebrating in a very short amount of time.
People don’t really make these things, do they? Have mercy, a double toilet! Only good for a family with a whole mess of little kids. I could have used that toilet about 10 years ago.
I made it clear to my husband that flowers on Valentine’s day would get him in very big trouble.
christine recently posted..Monday Listicles – Is It the Thought That Counts?
Thanks for supporting our flower prejudice. 🙂 Ellen
OMG THAT TOILET!!! How do people come up with this shit?!?! (hee, hee)
Also, love the purse, want the purse, will start dropping hints about the purse now!
That purse would make many situations MUCH more tolerable! Ellen
That toilet? oh goodness. the pity? I know one couple who would actually make use of it. no sh%t. er…well, yes…there would be I guess….
Have at ‘er…..I’ll be over hear getting drunk from my purse. 🙂
Rorybore recently posted..4M: Leave the Love
I’m sorry you know THAT couple. Ellen
The shoe is evil. The toilet is just a sad, disgusting idea. You think you are grinches? My birthday is the DAY BEFORE Valentine’s Day. I have boycotted it for years. I like to tell people that we just celebrate both on my birthday, but in truth, I probably wouldn’t celebrate it anyway. Thanks for the Monday morning giggle!
Stacey recently posted..Gift-giving 101
You totally trump us on dibs on the V-day grinchiness. Ellen
Do people actually do the Pinterest stuff? Because seriously, I want to meet the guy with the sandwich bed. Then high-five the girl who dumped him.
Bridget recently posted..Date Night Foul
Bridget, you mean not everyone does that crazy Pinterest stuff? Huh. Mind blown. And I’m with you on that high-five! Erin
Sheer genius. Amen sisters. Spot on. And we have the birthday, anniversary, valentines combo in a span of two weeks so all I want is a nap!
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles
That is what we are missing, the anniversaries! At least we planned around that! 🙂 Ellen
That love toilet seat!!! Ugh!! yuck!!!
I am totally with you on the not going out, no flowers and no silly, random gifts, including candy!! Just lame!!!
Roshni recently posted..Twenty questions (actually more!)….in case you were dying to know more about me!!
Lame gifts be gone. Ellen
I just wrote the wine purse down. Caught my eye right away. It was like my “wine radar” scrolled automatically down to the wine purse. Oh I like flowers and candy too….but that purse really is genius.
Love your pintershit stuff.!
Terri Sonoda recently posted..Oh no you didn’t just give me that for Valentine’s Day!
Thanks! It caught our eye too. We are gonna have to call each other and see who is bringing it to our friend get-togethers. Erin
We live in a military town and everybody and their Marine brother, sister, mama and baby daddy is out to eat on Valentines Day. Ain’t nobody got time for THAT. I’ll take Dominos or DiGiorno please. I won’t turn down jewelry either – though I never change my earring except to clean them.
Kenya G. Johnson recently posted..No he DIDN’T…
It is truly amateur night out. Annoying. DiGiorno sounds perfect . . . with the wine purse, of course. Ellen
The next time my husband gets me a crappy gift, I’m giving him the man costume. Thanks for the laugh!
Dana recently posted..Ten Gifts a Fella Should Not Get His Sweetie for Valentine’s Day
Nothing says love, or revenge, like lederhosen. 🙂 Ellen
I can not get over that boot! :/
Oh and fyi…there is nothing wrong with granny panties. They are very comfortable. 😉
Diane recently posted..What If???
Ha! Imma gonna trust you on that one. Erin
I am so ready to pick up a wine purse, no occasion necessary. As for Valentine’s Day, I’d settle for my husband picking up his underwear and socks off the floor and rinsing out the shower when he’s done! Great post!!
Penny at Green Moms and Kids
Penny Roach recently posted..Eco-Friendly Luxury
Yeah, we would really love that wine purse too. Erin
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Hi Ellen and Erin,
Love your site! I recently came upon it at Circle of Moms. My new blog was nominated during the last week of the top 25 contest and during that time I was tagged in a blogger game. I enjoy your site so I have tagged you and you can play or not. You can find my blogger game post from today here at my blog –
http://thehoneypiedialogues.blogspot.com
Thanks for the smiles! Paula
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