Can you believe what a fantastic idea this is? In our relatively short time cavorting through the blogosphere, we feel like we have made so many friends. And the reason? Because people are so open, real, and caring, no one more so than Alison at Mama Wants This. This virtual baby shower is an excellent example of blogging friendships: three ladies from across the United States, Ado, Stasha, and Erica, have teamed up to throw a party for Alison who is across the world in Malaysia. Isn’t the Internet grand?
The first party game, from Ado at The Momalog, is to post a favorite baby picture with a motherhood quote. With seven of the most beautiful babies in the world to choose from, this could have been pretty darn difficult. So we made the executive decision that since Eddie is the baby of our bunch, his pic wins. This is Erin’s little bouncing ball of joy.
As for the quote, well Erin wants Tina Fey to play her in the story of her life, and Bossypants was a fantastic read. There is nothing a second child needs more than a great blessing on his sweet little head. So here is a great quote from Tina’s prayer for her daughter altered slightly, because we know Alison is having a boy:
“Guide him and Protect him when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.”
It should also probably say something about your sibling in there too, so we just did. God bless you, little one, from two ladies half a world away.
My first gift is for the baby because every Scrumplet needs a lovey. And I love that this has the soothing sounds. I swear it made the difference for my older daughter, Coco.
Ellen – I’m kind of like Joey Fatone on Dancing with Stars, playing like an amateur despite the fact that I made a living doing this very same thing. However, it is pretty hard without feeling her belly. Thank goodness she lives far enough away that we don’t have to go through THAT awkward conversation. But I did have pictures to go by on her Facebook page. So here goes:
May 7th, 7lb 14ounces, 20.5 inches long
(I know she is in Malaysia, but someone else will have to convert this to metric.)
We are wishing you all of the blessings, safety, and love in the world! xoxo Ellen and Erin
So for this Monday Listicles, it is all about books. We thought we were going to be like kids in a candy store, unable to focus on what sort of list we would want to make because books are, well, like candy to us. But like the assassins we have been tagged to be, our only real choice was to list children’s books we would love to assassinate or, at the very least, throat punch.
Confused and mildly worried blog reader say, “What?”
We are talking, of course, about The Character Assassination Carousel hosted by the hilarious and industrious Nicole Leigh Shaw over at Ninja Mom Blog. Each month a guest blogger steps up to roast a different children’s book. I can see you going, “Oh, now I know what they are babbling about.” For those of you in the back, still in the dark, click on the badge to get the full scoop. And do it quickly because you’re blowing our cover.
Ten Children’s Books We Wanna Throat Punch
1.Babar—We begin here by giving props to the most recent Character Assassination executed by Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures where she puts Babar firmly in her cross hairs. Her fractured tale, Babar Gets Poached, sarcasto-blasts passive-aggressive parenting and mutant pedophiles. Quite honestly, if she had not taken the big guy down, we would have, because ooh-la-la, this series of French books about an elephant king and his wacky brood makes you wonder if something was lost in translation. If politically and morally offensive yarns are your cup of tea (and, no, Bill Maher does not count), then these lovely tales of imperialism are for you. Add some questionable family values (he marries his cousin–Hello, West Virginia!!)–and you’ve got one humdinger of a family storytime.
2.The Giving Tree– We cannot continue with this list without mentioning the Jason Bourne of Assassins herself, Ninja Mom. The Giving Tree has always made Ellen feel all give-the-boy-a-throat-punch. How self-centered can one kiddie lit character be? He is at the very least a diagnosable narcissist. Ninja Mom gives the tree her moment to vent. Boo-yah!
Now allow us to branch out on our own for some target practice pot shots.
3. Franklin– Poor little turtle is toting a world of problems in that shell, so you almost feel bad for him. Unfortunately, he’s more needy than a Kardashian with a maxed AmEx. When he’s afraid of the dark, he doesn’t just buy a nightlight like everybody else, he’s that friend who wants to talk it out. A LOT. “Hey, I am afraid of the dark, what are you afraid of duck and fox and bear and beaver and raccoon and the whole freaking forest. Oh, and he is so virtuous and wholesome, and daggum nice, that he could be the mayor of Mayberry. Warning: This book could give you cavities . . .or a migraine or migraines because of cavities.
4.Margaret Wise Brown—Classic kiddy lit is not that different from classic adult lit—someone told you that it’s good for you, but you have no idea why. In this case, all the world of kiddy lit LOVES this lady, and this lady is well, a little nuts. Rhyme schemes come and go, sentence structures fall apart, and the laws of good grammar are suspended. It’s enough to make adults reach for a little something to help this go down.
5. Olivia — This line, “You wear me out but I love you anyway,” from Olivia’s mother is your warning. Between singing at the top of her lungs, painting things she shouldn’t, and scaring the bejeesus out of her brother, Olivia is the kind of pig known an a “negative influence”. She is a rollicking good time (if you are on the pathway to juvenile delinquency), so kids LOVE her, but if you have your own spirited little Olivia, this might be another book worth passing on.
6.The Thomas the Train books– How could such an adorable premise like talking trains lead to such creepy books and an even creepier show? These books really do make your skin crawl. The fact that their merchandising is taking over the world seems to us the fruition of their evil plan.
7.Sheep on a Ship-–Had a long day? Are you a little tired? Under the influence of any medications or numbed to mental mush by a day spent with your offspring? DO NOT PICK UP THIS BOOK. We are channeling Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars here to shout, “It’s a trap.” For your tongue that is. Unless you have your full wits about you, this book will expose your babies to a whole new world of language that is probably best left to the locker room. Just trust us on this one.
8.No, David!– The good news: This is the whole book. This phrase, every page. Shwoo. Easy read. The bad news: It is chock full of bad ideas. The ugly: Kids lap this book up like it’s their manifesto. It’s basically a primer on how to send your parents to the edge, and since all children are just waiting for an excuse and some resources to bring the house down, you have been warned.
9. The Berenstain Bears–AKA The Boringstain Bears. Saccharin sweet adventures make us yawn anyway, but these books are a double-dose of Ambien… or Ipecac. Donate these to that new mommy you might not be the best of friends with. Über-competent Mama Bear, with her Cracker Jack Box psychology, will give her such great parenting ideas. But on the truly helpful side, clueless Papa will justify all of the semi-homicidal feelings she has been having towards her hubby during her all night breastfeeding marathons.
10. Our Target–Stay tuned, it will all be revealed on May 10th. Until then, watch your back Tooth Fairy because we are sick and tired of you forgetting to visit our houses.
Think our pot shots are funny? Do yourself a favor and check out the whole list of full length lampoons over at Ninja Mom Blog.
It was as beautiful a spring morning as ever was. A ray of sun filtered through Erin’s kitchen window spotlighting the telephone handset resting on the table. The two friends were uncharacteristically quiet as they sipped their coffee and the cat curled up on Ellen’s lap.
The phone rings and time seems to slow down as Ellen grabs Erin’s hand. “Well, answer it. You know your voicemail is full and they won’t be able to leave a message,” Ellen says.
Erin punches the button and lifts it to her ear. Even so, Ellen can hear, “Congratulations, your loan has been approved.” The radiant smile on Erin’s face confirms what she overheard. Ellen leaps to her feet, unceremoniously tipping the cat to the floor, to give her friend a hug.
Ellen proclaims, “Halleluiah, the kids can their get school pictures taken!”
Erin- Well at least that is how it feels. I have FIVE kids. Five kids, people. And my father who adores school pictures. I take beautiful shots of my kids at the beach and the park. They are natural and expressive photographs and he likes them, but he LOVES the pictures taken by “professionals” in front of official backgrounds.
Ellen- You mean the lapis lazuli vomit swirl background? Really?
Erin- Something about the official-ness of it must speak to his judicially ordered heart. And we get the full package for him: the 8 x10 for the homestead stairwell and the 5 x7 for the courthouse office.
Ellen – Well, at least someone likes them. I swear I spend a fortune every year, and they just sit in my china cabinet undistributed because they just aren’t a good product. (And, honestly, I let some things slip through the cracks.) I just feel so guilty if I don’t purchase them for some reason, like I’m making some larger public statement about how much I love and value my kids.
Erin- I got your guilt. This, from Eddie’s preschool teacher, who nunned me up real good: “Just because he is the fifth child doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy the picture package.”
Ellen – Ouch!
Erin- Oh, it gets better. I caved and paid for the pictures. Then. . .
Sister Mary Tarnish-My-Tiara says, “Everyone had wonderful pictures! You are going to be so excited to see them.” Long pause. “Except for Eddie. We had to take his picture 35 times, and the entire class was late to library because of it.”
Ellen- Did you get the bonus didn’t-want-to-make-eye-contact-staring-awkwardly-and-silently-at-the-ground pantomime from the rest of the moms because you were being scolded? By a nun.
Erin- But the end result was just as I predicted: a sourpuss picture of a disgruntled preschooler. I can get that any day of the week just by telling him no. I don’t need it staring out of a frame at me.
Ellen - I know that look. He seems to get it when we mention blogging, too. Poor tortured 4 year old.
Erin – But the real subliminal message to the world that we might not have our shizz together comes when the third grader wears his sports goggles in the class picture. That’s right. My sons, the future Rhodes Scholars, decided to play war THE NIGHT BEFORE class pictures, and, as any parent with 15 minutes of experience could tell you, things got ugly. And fast.
Luckily, the only casualties were Deacon’s glasses and my patience.
Ellen- Luckily, really!?! That seems to be an understatement, Pollyanna.
Erin- Okay, we weren’t really lucky. Deacon’s eyes cross without his corrective eyewear, so a pic without glasses was never an option. I called the optometrist! But, denied! I can still hear them chuckling at the ridiculousness of my emergency request of making super special prescription glasses in 30 minutes. That’s right. I could hear THEM sharing the can-you-believe-what-this-crazy-mom-just-asked laugh—it was worthy of a group giggle.
My last resort without time or luck on our side were his sports goggles. His big, black, thick goggles complete with strap around the back. While I may cherish this picture and the fond, fond memories it brings, the other moms definitely looked askance at me afterward. And offered up fashion advice. Lots of it.
Erin models the goggles. Saying, "Not tonight honey," without saying a word.
Ellen – The pressure of the class picture can make you crack. And you just keep telling yourself that message is subliminal. Those bad boys shout out, “This family is really just a steaming ball of hot mess.” Those pictures can’t be hidden in the china closet. They are up for worldwide distribution.
Erin- No one is feeling you more than me right now, Sister.
Ellen- There is the whole what to wear thing EVEN when there is no vanity involved. I’m not talking prissy girls throwing tantrums because they don’t have a shirt to perfectly match the blue of their eyes. I’m talking school-wants-to-make-everything-a-pain-in-my tuckus -because-no-one can-crosscheck-a-calendar.
School Admins: Ruining Mornings Since Little House on the Prairie
Erin – I’m just gonna say it OUT LOUD: Jostens and Lifetouch are the cartels, but the schools are the Dr. Evil kingpins pulling the strings and making us dance.
Ellen – For real! For the spring round of pictures, Jellybean (11) got the form for the April 13th pictures on April 10th. After coming off of spring break, this did not jump to the top of my priority list.
Flash to the morning of pictures and Jellybean comes down dressed like a hobo ready to clean out the garage.
“Honey, today is picture day. Why are you wearing old sweat pants?”
Jellybean-“Because it is the fitness test today in gym.”
Seriously, I’m shelling out $30 for pictures (cheapest substantial package) and the school scheduled the fitness test on the same day?
“Honey, they are taking the CLASS picture today. We can’t have you distributed to multiple households looking like a refugee. Or like one of Erin’s offspring. What about that cute dress you wore on vacation?”
Jellybean- (possibly a little tearful from me calling her a refugee) “But we have to do push-ups, pull-ups, and sit-ups. I can’t wear a skirt!”
Ellen- “So what time is gym?”
Jellybean – “First period.”
Of course it is. (In elementary school, they don’t get to change for gym.)
Ellen- “So you’re telling me that no matter what you wear, you’ll be a hot mess anyway by the time pictures roll around?”
Oy.
Ellen- So tick tock goes the clock, we go upstairs and settle on a embellished tank with a sweater, jeans, and Converse. Whatever, I surrender. The kicker? The gym teacher was absent so the fitness test was cancelled. Winner? The school for messing up my morning for no reason except its own evil entertainment.
Erin – Seriously, we have 7 kids between us so the complaints reminiscing could go on forever. Let’s not forget that school pictures cornered you into highlighting Coco’s hair. But you do have to love the comedy in school pictures, too.
Check out Captain America, known in his school picture days simply as Chris Evans on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.
Ellen – Okay, WOW! I’m not the biggest fan of watching videos on blogs that are over 40 seconds long, but that is some good stuff right there: a rebellious laser beam background, a beaded necklace, and a bowl cut. And if Captain America overcame THAT, I’m impressed.
Erin – Oh wait a minute. WHAT ABOUT WHAT WE OVERCAME!
Ellen – Are we really doing this?
Erin – I modeled the sports goggles. My pride is not an issue for this post.
Erin
Ellen – One of the first things Erin said when she handed me this picture? “Can you believe they didn’t even straighten my necklace?” Yes, that was exactly the first thing I was incredulous about.
Erin – Whatever. Your turn.
Ellen – I’m actually proud about how far I have come.
Erin – You should be.
Ellen's 7th Grade Picture. Believe me, the resolution is good enough.
Ellen – So clearly Erin is classier than me. I chose the group picture because I was not going down alone. We will close with Josten’s Mission Statement because, really, I would like for the whole blogosphere to tell them to suck it.
Jostens’ Mission Statement
Supporting your mission is our mission.
We take great care in passionately helping people:
Express themselves
Celebrate experiences and traditions
Recognize achievements
Share their stories
Erin – Just one more thing I would like to add: Creating images that will cause your offspring to roll on the floor laughing at you with glee in their eyes. Have at them, Blogosphere!
As Erica M, the curator of Yeah Write Me, has said before, her site is like the water cooler of the blogosphere. It’s where solid writers go to hang out and share their stories. Click on the badge to come and visit the gang. Or if you are in time, you can link up your own story.
It is a beautiful spring day, and we are lazing on the couch in Erin’s sunroom blogging. Erin is absentmindedly stroking her cat.
Erin says as she strokes his chest, “Wow, my cat’s fur is turning red. I thought he was all black.”
Ellen replies, “Cats just don’t turn red. Are you sure “he” is a male? Those are calico markings and calicos are almost universally female.”
Erin says, “Of course I have a male, I’m not stupid. More importantly, who knows this kind of sh*%? <pause> Dork.”
But Erin proceeds to reluctantly flip the cat over and poke around in its nether regions. Oh, yes, there was searching.
Erin exclaims, “There’s no penis! This is not my cat!”
Cat thinks, “WTF? Buy me dinner first.”
Ellen at this point is crying so hard that tears and snot are running down her face. Erin opens the door and shoos the grifter cat out faster than Maria Shriver gave the boot to the Terminator.
We can’t make this mess up. Erin has two “real” cats. She had previously taken one to the vet because he was losing his fur. The vet diagnosed anxiety. Do you think this could be the reason…
Meow
Anxiety!?! Yeah, I got anxiety! My backside is a balding mess! There's been a strange cat living in my house! And no one knew! Thank goodness for Ellen and her mad genetic knowledge!
Ellen- I’m going to stop her there, because she is turning a wee bit green. And by wee bit, I mean that you might mistake her for a leprechaun right now. But I am happy that celebs aren’t like me. It makes me feel scads better about myself. You heard me!
Erin-Don’t go throwing Cameron Diaz’s perfect body in her face. NOT a very Sisterhood thing to do.
Ellen- Grocery shopping mommas know what I’m talking about.
Erin-While waiting to spend a fortune on groceries, what’s a girl to do except flip through the tabloids?
Ellen-Remember that both of my kids are in school, so the defend-the-candy-from-the-toddler-days are over. And nothing makes me feel better about myself than the guess-who-has-the-cottage-cheese-stomach-hanging-over-of-the-bikini photo.
Erin-But the piece de resistance is the bad, bad parenting moves.
Ellen- Yes, they definitely take the edge off of your guilt for losing your mind on your little angel. Hollering ’til your hoarse because your 6 year old took a Sharpie to your walls pales in comparison to their ego/multi-million dollar fueled antics. So without further ado… Ten Celebrity Parents That Make Us Mortal Moms Look Like The Real Rock Stars
(BTW, we know Alicia Silverstone immediately comes to mind, but it felt like too much of a lay up. Plus we couldn’t top the parody video by The Bearded Iris. It is spit-chewed-food-into-your-baby’s-mouth funny.)
1. Michael Jackson (God bless his tortured soul).
Do you remember this gem of him dangling his baby over the balcony with a towel over his head to protect his IDENTITY? He needed more than a towel for protection. WTF? Heck, The King of Pop would have made this list for naming the kid Blanket.
2. All Celebrities Who Name Their Kids Like They Threw Scrabble Tiles In The Air
(BTW, our kids may have weird blog aliases, but we swear they have normal names.)
3. Britney Spears Driving With Her Baby On Her Lap
If you are paraded out on tv like a trick pony from the time you are 9, you might have a skewed view of how mothers operate. But where was the staff to stop THIS!?!
4. Britney AGAIN
Oops, she did it again! On probation for the above little error in judgment, she ran a red light with her kids in the car at a major intersection in LA. Oh, and the court-appointed monitor can be seen hiding in the front seat. And that’s a cellphone she might be using while driving too. OY! We are practically pinning Mother of the Year pins on our shirts as we write this!! Thanks, Britney!
5. Kate Gosselin Enough said.
Hee Haw! Put that pizza down you little brats! No pizza for you! It's for my bodyguard/lover/boytoy!
6. January Jones
In the most recent People magazine, January Jones said that she saved her placenta and had it made into pills that she takes whenever she is feeling a little tired or blue.
Yes, Miss Jones, most mammals do eat their placentas, but we have opposable thumbs, bigger brains, and cellphones.
Maybe it does really help—she does look prettying amazing post-baby—but it makes me feel better that I didn’t eat my own organ. And I can extol that virtue to my kin. Win-win.
7. Courtney Love
Poor Frances Bean Cobain. Dad is a tortured genius who commits suicide, and Mom is a fruitcake. At the tender age of 19, Frances seems to have a good head on her shoulders though, and lives a quiet life estranged from her mom. Now her mom is causing trouble even from the sidelines. On her personal Twitter account, Courtney Love accused 43 year old Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl (who she has personally had a feud with since Cobain’s death in 1994) of hitting on and then sleeping with her daughter. Both Grohl and Bean adamantly deny this rumor, and Frances replied with a very well-thought out statement that ended with “Twitter should ban my mother.” Poor Bean. But her loss is our gain. Courtney makes us feel like we might need crowns and a boa to go with our Mother-of-the-Year pins.
8. Ryan O’Neal
He may have been the smart, dreamy sweetheart in “Love Story”, but he makes me happy every day that my kids don’t have a dad like this. He shared his drug addiction with his son to the point that they were arrested TOGETHER (talk about family bondage—did you see what we did there?). Then, at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, he hit on his daughter. ”I had just put the casket in the hearse, and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blond woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan told Vanity Fair in an interview featured in the magazine’s August issue. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me — Tatum!’
9. Octomom
Time period referenced: from the moment she shoehorned a litter of embryos into her uterus to riiiiiiiight…now.
Ho, Ho, Ho
10. Bing Crosby
If a last century parenting reference is good enough for The Family Guy, it’s good enough for us. They’ve won Emmys you know. No one is above judgment for child abuse and anti-child abuse messages come in many forms. Satire can most definitely drive home that CHILD ABUSE IS NEVER EXCUSABLE. Treating an adult like this gets you a charge of assault. Or the broken nose you deserve.
Ellen – No matter how much money you make or how many people stroke your ego, parenting is one of the most important jobs on the planet and you shouldn’t be allowed to carelessly eff it up. Not to sound like a jingle, but our children are our planet’s future. ( You don’t have to ridicule me, I’m picturing rounds of Kumbaya and lighters waving in the air right now, too).
But we all make mistakes, so I hope this list gave you a laugh, made you think, and allowed you to give yourself a little slack for forgetting to put the pudding pack in junior’s lunch. But you only get slack if junior is NOT named Orangejello. (Pronounced or-ON-jel-o, as the French do.)
Ellen- I might be climbing on a soapbox, but not every maturation milestone is a Hallmark-confetti-cannon-scrapbooking-buy-a-charm-for-the-bracelet moment. Some things can just unfold and happen.
Erin- First words, first steps, first birthdays—THESE deserve the full-on Diana.
(If I am dating myself with the Princess Diana reference, think the royal wedding—Kate and William edition.)
They had 1,900 guests, so you might want to scale it back a bit.
Ellen- First bra, first heels, first bottle of foundation—not so much.
Erin – Trips to the American Girl Doll Store, those over-the-top birthday parties we mentioned before, even the elaborate preschool graduation ceremonies have blurred the lines for you. We get it! You’re so used to celebrating, commemorating, and shutterflying it all for posterity that you are a little unclear as to what exactly you SHOULD be celebrating.
Ellen- Let’s start with make-up. I realize that the age of first wearing make-up elicits a permanent eyeliner drawn in the sand response from a lot of mothers, but why?
Erin- I hate hard and fast rules, lines in the sand, and bottom line proclamations. They do exactly one thing really well: Establish the battle lines. Other than that, they are completely useless as guiding principles. When confrontation or acquiescence are the only choices, nothing is assured but a bloody battle ahead.
They Will Never Take Our Eyeliner!
Ellen- Now, we all MAY be able to agree that 9 is too young to be be-dazzled.
Erin- But we are here to tell you that the water gets really murky after that. And lest you still think that you can turn this tide, we are here to tell you that you are delusional, especially if you think your daughter won’t go into the bathroom upon arrival at school, put on the make-up and wash it off before she comes home.
Ellen- Yes, even YOUR angel is capable of that.
Erin- Wanting to fit in is a powerful thing. Is this really the battle you want to wage? Do you want to set-up a scenario for dishonesty?
Ellen- As with all arguments, it’s about defining terms. When my daughter began wearing make-up in 6thgrade, we were talking about mascara and lip gloss—not full-on-pole-dancing-kohl-rimmed-eye-with-glitter-thrown-in-for-good-measure.
We know this is what you are thinking.
When I noticed Coco’s interest and saw where the rest of the girls in her class were, I bought her some mascara and pale lipstick from the Walgreens. I just presented it to her one day and asked if this was something that she was interested in.
We had a mother-daughter moment that beat a shopping trip to the flagship MAC store in New York. By giving her those things, I acknowledged that I was paying attention to what was going on in her life and wanted her to feel comfortable.
It was more like this. Click for make-up tips for teens!
(Coco wanted me to add that she would have REALLY enjoyed a make-up shopping trip to NYC. I’m keeping it real.)
She progressed to smudgy brown eyeliner and tan shadows from there, but I have always monitored their use and stepped in with guidance as needed. Heck, 8th grader Coco just made her first trip to the Sephora store. A kid in a candy shop pretty much summed up her reaction, but I have to tell you, I was IMMENSELY glad that this was not an emotionally charged subject for us or there might have been some drama in that store. As it was, we calmly put the liquid black eyeliner back and got her some very nice cosmetics.
Erin- I can see your hackles raising. I can feel the “buts” forming at the corner of your mouth. I felt the same way. I did not wear make-up until after the birth of my second child, so it was not my thing. At. All.
But then my pale-lashed, redheaded Biddie confided to me in one of our mother-daughter pillow talks that she felt self-conscious about having HER school picture taken:“Nobody can see my lashes, Mom, it makes me feel weird.”
Now, we have had the talks about inner beauty, looks not being important, etc. but I remember middle school perhaps a little too keenly. One medium-brown mascara and a crash course in application coming right up.
Ellen- Okay, so if you are not judging us yet, let’s see if I can push you to the edge.
Erin- Wait for it… and you might want to get a chair for this.
Ellen- My 13 y/o daughter has her hair highlighted.
Erin- Stop! Don’t leave this post to go Google ‘Toddler and Tiaras.’ Ellen and Coco were not contestants.
Ellen- If you had asked me when Coco was 8 what I thought about tweens getting their hair colored, there would have been a lot of sputtering about inner beauty, oppression of women, and maybe even a “Hellz No!”
Erin- Ah, but arbitrary pre-judgment will bite you every time.
Ellen- My Coco was born in the summer, and she is a full-on summer girl. Come 80 degree weather and she transforms – golden tan through her layers of SPF 50, light brown hair streaked with blonde.
This was just a natural cycle for her until she began competitive swimming when she was 9. Natural blonding plus hours submersed in the swamp of public pool chemicals led to VERY BLONDE.
Come October, this led to Jerry-Springer-worthy trashy roots.
Erin- Which is only a good look if you are aiming for work at the truck stop, but Coco has big plans. This ‘do would not do.
Ellen- So I would take her to my salon to get it “fixed” back to her winter color. Until this year. When she said, “No.” Wait, what? Coco replied, “My blonde hair feels more me.”
Ugh, really? I needed to think about that. Well, while I was thinking about it and formulating my eloquent speech about her inner beauty shining brighter than any blonde beacon on her head (see, the speech still needs work), picture day arrived. When I say arrived, I mean Coco remembered to give me the form at 7:30 pm—the night before. Bam. ‘Cuz that is how Coco rolls.
Her roots were bad, people, BAD! I can’t stand roots. Makes me feel creepy, especially for my adolescent because it made her look like I condoned her coloring her hair AND we didn’t keep up with it. Double judgement! And I definitely wasn’t putting out the cost of a tank of gas for pictures with roots.
Erin- This is where I get to say “HELLZ NO!” That stuff is expensive!
Ellen- So the comedy ensued! First, Googling to see what drugstore (I know! Gross!) product we should get, sending photo to hubby of what to pick up on his way home, fielding calls from hubby because apparently an exact picture of what to get was not description enough, and finally calling my med school roommate to make sure I did do a decent job when I did her roots (we were on budgets, People, higher education is expensive).
Worst Case Scenario School Pictures Edition: Trashy Roots vs. Discount Hair Color. These are desperate times. And somewhere, there is a father wandering in a Walgreens looking for the solution.
So with my mad skills: the roots were fixed, my daughter was impressed, the pictures were purty, and Coco was driving on the hair coloring highway.
Erin- Lest you all still feel like judging Ellen, or Coco for that matter, I go camping and outdoor adventuring with them twice a summer. Coco doesn’t bring make-up or a hair dryer with us. She hikes, kayaks, camps, and climbs without an ounce of self-consciousness or vanity. She is a trooper, and her make-up-wearing, highlighting ways haven’t seemed to curb her flair for the hanging-out-in-the-woods variety of fun.
Ellen- Heck, it’s easier to see the ticks in her blonde locks now. Hey, that might be my new explanation for the highlighting: preventive medicine.
Erin- Nice spin.
Ellen- But seriously, I made the choice that supported my daughter and made her feel comfortable in her own skin. I listened to her.
And for those of you still cringing from the $9.00 box of drugstore highlights, a salon appointment was made, and Coco was lowlighted and highlighted a lovely winter blonde color…
Erin- And the Sisterhood learned to never say never. Not everything deserves a battle. Not everything deserves a party. Sometimes you can just let things happen.
Ellen- So, I’m begging you to just follow your daughter’s lead and consider what makes her comfortable. This even goes for leg shaving. There is no magic age for wielding a razor, just consider what is right for your daughter.
And for the love of all that is good, please just bring the first bras home, let her try them on, return what doesn’t fit and move on from there. Once you get past the first bra stage, your girl will feel fine with shopping for bras.
Erin- And you know why? Because you didn’t make her feel all “My girl is becoming a WOOOMMAAN, (tear shed)!”
Ellen- But for all of you saying: Sisterhood, you just don’t know how to celebrate this womanhood stuff, we’re not listening to you on this one, I direct you to Jill at Baby Rabies. She wrote a hilarious post — “Pin The Ovaries On The Uterus- It’s A Real Game” about the company that sells party supplies to celebrate a girl’s blooming into womanhood.
Erin- Otherwise known as her first period.
It's real, People. Oh yes, it's real.
Ellen- We are not making this up. Menarche Parties R’Us. Yes, you read the name correctly.
Erin- So if you are in our camp, you will laugh yourself silly over it all and see all of the Sisters that agree with us in the comment section of Jill’s post.
Ellen- And if you disagree with us, you’ve got yourself a source to throw one humdinger of a menarche party.
This week we are “On the Road” with Monday Listicles. Whether you are on the road for a day or more, nothing helps the miles click away better than some great tunes. So that’s what I am linking up. I make absolutely no claims about this list other than these are great road trip songs. In my last phone call to Ellen before she disembarked on her cruise, I asked her for her thoughts. “Well, definitely not the theme song from Titanic.” Got it.
So these are all me, plus a little bonus for Ellen. Enjoy and feel free to leave any of your favorites in the comments. I wrote and rewrote this list a thousand times, so I know some of what’s missing. I might be able to make a whole new playlist from your favorites. Thanks! Erin
1. “Blitzkrieg Bop” by The Ramones—In the opening riff, it practically begs you to hit the road and then the beat just keeps you going. Really you could probably put any Ramones song on your list and be just fine, but this song is sheer perfection if you are hitting the blacktop.
2. “Mr. Blue Sky” By ELO— You might be tempted to dismiss this song. Don’t. You cannot hear this song without head-bobbing and toe-tapping—a definite plus to get you through boring stretches of highway or traffic snarls.
3. “Where the Streets Have No Name” by U2—Way back in the day, my Uncle Bill told me that Irish people were a little left of center as an explanation for the sheer genius of this group. Whatever the reason, they just work for me, and this song works for a road trip. You can sing along to lyrics (a definite bonus for a road trip song), and the music itself has all the energy and rhythm of wheels to pavement.
4. “Mercedes Benz”—Janis Joplin-– No road trip playlist is complete without a song about a car. There are a bunch to choose from, but I am a chick so this is where I go. It also has that sing out loud quality that catapults a song from good to great.
5. “Good-bye, Earl”–Dixie Chicks—This song might be one of the most fun songs on the planet, and it makes the perfect road trip song. Great beat, fun lyrics, with a little shot of Thelma and Louise—two of the best movie characters ever to hit the road! Channel your inner bad-ass and get out there!
6. “Bamboleo”–Gypsy Kings—If you have never heard of them, well, then let me introduce you. If you question me bumping La Grange by ZZ Top for them, well, then let me convince you. Steve travelled through Indonesia and Asia for 5 weeks listening to them, then we travelled for 2 weeks through Ireland on our honeymoon listening to them. Pretty much anything by The Gypsy Kings works on a road trip too,but this is THE song—listen to the rhythm, the melody, the beat and pretty soon you have arrived effortlessly on the doorstep of your destination.
7. “Roadhouse Blues”— The Doors—I don’t need to convince anyone about the magic of the The Doors. This song’s bluesy folksiness, perfect lyrics, and great advice (Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel!) will really get you where you wanna go.
8. “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)”—The Proclaimers- These Scottish twins know how to have a good time, and we can all thank The Housemartins for giving them their big break so they can let us in on the fun. Remember that toe-tapping I was mentioning before? Try to stop yourself.
9. “Radar Love”–Golden Earring—Probably one of the best road trip songs ever. I’m not saying anything else. Just perfect.
10. “Thunder Road”– Bruce Springsteen—Oh, Bruce, you totally nailed it on this one. The longing, the harmonica, the lyrics—”well, the night’s busted open, these two lanes will take us anywhere”—well, try to keep your keys from the ignition after this song.
But in case you aren’t feeling my list, NPR has many more. Check them out and get out there!
PS–A little bonus track for Ellen who is safely back on dry land, but rock-climbing with Girl Scouts today. You can’t keep that girl still for long.
Monday Listicles is always one of the best things about a new week, so we are linking up again. Check out some great lists there!
This week, Marina Star asked us to make a list of Ten Guilty Pleasures. Before Ellen left on her week-long cruise (a REAL pleasure—no guilt at all), we brainstormed this list. Enjoy! Erin
“Oh, the places you’ll go” sayeth ole Dr. Seuss. One stop for many of us on this road of life is Motherhood. For those of us hanging out in this ‘hood, we might suggest tweaking this pearl of wisdom to “Oh, the things you will miss”. Once you have popped that baby out of your uterus, the simple joys may not be gone, but they have changed irrevocably and forever. Things that you used to do without thinking become, well, more difficult to fit in.
Things like:
1. Exercise—This may have once been a great way for you to burn off some steam or to get your butt in gear for this season’s fashions, but once you give birth, getting to the gym, heck, getting into your gym-WEAR becomes infinitely more complicated. When to go, where to go, should you go, did you go (yeah, that’s right, sometimes we are so sleep-deprived we can’t remember IF we did or just really, really meant to) are burning questions. If and when we get to exercise, it just feels great—an hour to ourselves, doing something good for us, relieving stress. Win, Win, Win.
2. Going Out to Lunch with a Friend—My baby is headed to kindergarten, and I still think it’s a heady affair to have a simple lunch date with a friend. The uninterrupted hour or two of adult conversation NOT punctuated by the need to cut someone else’s food, fill someone’s cup, or correct someone’s behavior is pure heaven. The pure joy of time spent with a friend is a huge bonus as well.
3. Bad TV—Some of you may love the soaps (although I hear they are an endangered species) or have to get your Jerseylicious on, I do not judge. Bad TV is one of my favorite kinds of TV. Time for any TV, let alone the really horrible stuff, is rare once you have a parrot-like toddler hanging around. It could be humiliating if, for instance, your baby could name all of the characters from Sex and the City, but not the characters from Sesame Street. Especially if he chose to share that knowledge with your Mother-in-Law. Not that I know anyone this might have happened to.
4. Date Night—Of course, you should spend time with your Beloved. The marriage is the glue of the family. The children are happier when the parents are happy. Blah, blah, blah. We all know that once you have the baby, date night is something that falls into the category of wouldacouldashoulda. The convoluted arrangements alone to get out the door want to sap the joy out of it. But, oh the fun you will have, once you have closed that door behind you! A coffee, some dessert, and a slow stroll through the Barnes and Noble with your partner have never felt so wonderful.
5. Reading a book—Little people, big piles of dishes, medium stacks of bills, and huge mountains of laundry want to thwart you from sinking into that chair with your new read. But there is nothing like the pages of a great read to bring you back to you. Some of us have been known to spend a little more time in the bathroom to parse out a few more precious minutes to read.
6. Going to the Bathroom by Yourself—I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but kids never stop bugging you in there. Ever. While toddlers jabber at you the whole time you are taking care of business, older kids bound through the door looking for brushes, toothpaste, ANYTHING. Time alone in this sacred place is priceless.
7. Sleep— I could go on. But we all know it. It’s precious, it’s rare, it’s deeply pleasurable. It’s the number one item on our wish list.
8. Listening to OUR Music—Some of us do enjoy music outside the KidzBop, Raffi, Bieber, and Gomez genres, and some of it might even have an explicit warning on the label or lyrics that you don’t want to hear parroted back to you (makes you wonder why we get so excited about them learning to talk). Listening to what we like when we want at the volume we prefer—well, that’s the definition of guilty pleasure right there.
9. Personal Space—Is it too much to ask that your stuff stays where you put it? If you have one child, the answer is a simple yes. If you have more than one or, God forbid, a brood, you are doomed to a life of tracking down your personal belongings. The guiltiest pleasure of all would be finding your item where you left it.
10.Guilt-Free—In our BC lives (Before Children), we lived our lives as competent, happy, fun, well-rested people who made it through each day without a modicum of guilt. Oh, to get back to that feeling! To not wonder if we were doing this mothering job right! To not question if the choices we were making were going to lead to therapy or Attica! To have that crystal ball and see how this was all going to turn out! Being guilt-free is the ultimate guilty pleasure!
But if Motherhood changes everything (including our barometers for what constitutes pleasure), it also brings wonderful new experiences to our lives. If Dr. Seuss wrote a book about THIS phase of life it might be: “Oh, The Things You Will Learn, See, Do, and Be!!” The one thing you should NOT be is guilty for indulging in these pleasures.
