So you have a teenager or two? Welcome to Planet Teen!
No time to gripe about the rough landing here on Planet Teen, focus now on what’s coming before you get blindsided by the natives. We’ve been here about 25 minutes longer than you have, but due to the constant turnover that is Planet Teen, we’re qualified to share some of what we have learned here. We can provide newbies with some guidance, veterans with some commiseration, and decorated war heroes of multiple tours with high fives and the massive amounts of chocolate they deserve. Here are some things that will help you and your kids survive and thrive during the teen years.
1. The Smell
The atmosphere here is different: you can feel it in the air and probably smell it, too. Planet Teen pulses with electric, frantic energy and smells an awful lot like the inside of an Abercrombie and Fitch store. Except when the wind changes. Then it just smells like B.O.
This is especially pleasant on long car rides together.
2. The Shifting Terra Firma
The ground is a-shakin’ and a-shiftin’ here, people, and no expert in the world can predict when the quakes will hit.
Exhibit A: “D” on a test? Wuteva. Missing headband? Total building-dropping, house-leveling, bridge-buckling quake. Some people may say that the teen year are hostile. We prefer to think of them more like a shifting, puzzling, exasperating landscape. The key to happiness here is to remember the rules to keep you and your kids moving in the right direction.
3. The Landscape
Not just “Hey there’s a shirt or six on the floor” messy, we’re talking stinky, nasty, smelly armpit of a place littered with dirty socks, muddy cleats, damp towels, skeletons of projects past, and snack wrappers. Even for the most roll-with-the-punches Mommas, Planet Teen’s littered landscape will threaten to break you. We have tips to help tame it, but be ready or be buried.
4. The Towels
Teendom is a cold, damp place for adults because the natives of Planet Teen line their lairs, formerly known as their rooms, with damp towels. Maybe the humidity is good for their skin. We have been here awhile and have no solution to this one. Sorry.
5. The Language Barrier
Teenagers compose fiction they dispense as fact as effortlessly as breathing. You would think only major events would warrant this level of creativity, but it starts slinging without rhyme or reason. Think of it as the mire to slog through every day to get to the real stories, no matter how boring. It might make you tired until you realize that the really wonderful whipped cream and cherry on top is their indignation when you suggest that their story might be two degrees south of complete BS. Best to bookmark some ways to communicate effectively with your kids about everything from sex to dating to alcohol. Channel you inner Dory and just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
It’s not all terrifying. There are positive things that come from big kid situations.
6. The Code.
On top of shifting landscapes, cold derrieres, and the language barrier, you are going to want to learn their secret codes and cryptic handshakes if you want even a remote handle on what they are thinking. This means you need to learn every last text acronym, read every last Tweet, check out every last Facebook update, and make a habit of scanning Instagram. We kid you not: the tribe is a-rumbling even when the natives look all tucked in and cherubic. That’s one reason that it’s pretty good idea to meet them where they are, like on Snapchat. It’s all about connecting with your kid.
7. The Disappearing Stuff
Hide your valuables, or at least your eyeliner and straightening iron. The natives here are like magpies. Oooh! Shiny pretty thing over here! Aaahh! Sparkly, fun thing over there. These things get whisked away, never to be seen again. More than a little infuriating, it also makes you feel like dementia is setting in early. But Thou shalt not flip out when your eyeliner disappears. It goes with the scarf she already “borrowed.”
8. The Stakes
At times, it feels like between the milestones like prom and graduation, the big adult stuff like driving, and the hazards like drinking that Planet teen wants to take you down.
Well, buck up, and remember that for all the crazy, rocky, smelly, damp, silly and scary things rocking Planet Teen, you and your child are not adversaries, but fellow travelers trying to make it to the next stage with your sanity intact. This is temporary visa status, not a permanent residence, so bring a plucky attitude, a sense of humor, and don’t forget the chocolate. We’re all going to figure this out together, but we are going to need the fortification. And we’re off. . .
Best of luck and fist bumps as fellow travelers!
Erin and Ellen
The Sisterhood Secret: Cultivate a passive, non-judgmental face. One great piece of advice that works like a charm is the non-committal “huh” or ”um” as they relay the story.
Hey! Want to buy our new book? I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect.
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Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”
This one picks up where the first left off but keeps the same comic-style artwork and entertaining text. This one kind of carries through until middle school.
