Tag Archives: #TalkEarly

5 Things We Actually Talk About With Our Kids

Some may say talk is cheap but we think it’s priceless.  We are two ladies who love to talk.  We like to gab about books and food. Occasionally, we take trips together and we’ll yammer on about those too.  But what we really love to talk about is parenting.

With seven kids between us, we never run out of conversation or fodder for the blog. We see the value of discussion not just as a way to cement our friendship but as a tool to create better relationships with our kids too. We also believe that our talks are the crucial thing that will help guide them through the minefields of adolescence, particularly underage drinking.

Because good friends share, we love to help our fellow moms out by not just offering up our conversations for your amusement, but our tips for better talks too. We have provided some kindling for conversation. And we have also given some great advice about how to picture a great conversation with your teen, how to get conversations rolling, and how to rise above the teen and tween grumpiness.  But we realized that while we have provided you with some funny anecdotes and awesome metaphors, the one thing we haven’t done yet is given you some concrete examples of what we actually talk about.

Since we almost never start our talks with “hey, let’s talk about drinking,” here goes.

Five Things We Actually Talk About With Our Kids

Need to talk to your kids? We have some concrete examples of how we do it----Sisterhood of the Senible Moms

 1. How to Lean In (And On)

Sometimes we talk about things making waves in the news. Sheryl Sandberg rallied the troops with her call to girl power. We’ve been chatting this one up with our kiddos ever since. Boy or girl, young or old, we can all benefit from this sage advice of valuing yourself and your contribution and asking for what you want. We even took this one step further and told our kids to lean on as well. This is the dinner table topic that keeps on giving.

2. Practice Makes Perfect, or at least sense.

Other times, we find our talking points on TV. We had a right fine giggle with our kids over the Oscar night name debacle. John Travolta had one job which he punted terribly. As we kept hitting replay on the video of his massacre of poor Idina Menzel’s name, it prompted all kinds of great discussions about keeping your commitments, being prepared, and doing your best.

 3. Anybody can stage a comeback.

Even our stomachs can lead us to a great talk. Erin’s kids couldn’t stop talking about Twinkie’s exit stage left in the fall of 2012.  But the source of even more spirited conversation was Twinkie’s triumphant return the following summer. Suddenly, we weren’t just talking about Twinkies at all but about how people can fall and rise again. Cue the Rocky soundtrack. Do-overs are for everyone, even Twinkie.

4. Bigger isn’t always better.

Many, many times, we get our inspiration from movies. Both of our families are huge fans of movies in all their forms—the good, the bad, and the really, really, really bad ones we call guilty pleasures.

The Hobbit inspired a lot of spirited conversation at Erin’s house. Family members lined up on both sides of this movie. Some were rabid fans certain of its place as a masterpiece, while a solid group on the other side couldn’t help themselves from panning it every chance they got.  It even spawned a catchphrase “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” It’s the movie that launched a thousand conversations.

5. Listen to Your Mother

But then again, sometimes our conversations just evolve from what we’re doing or what our kids are doing.  We share our hopes and dreams for them a lot, but sometimes we let them see our vulnerable side too.

For this one, we’re pulling out our actual words said by our actual selves. The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility asked us how we talk to our daughters and sons about underage drinking and our hopes and fears for them during the teen years and, well, this is what we said.

We know that everyone has jam-packed schedules just like us. We get that between sports practices, club meetings, band rehearsals, football games, Homecoming dances, and actual school, of course, there’s barely a second to fit in even one more thing.  We feel ya that If you have a senior like Erin does, that tiny window for imparting the wisdom gets even smaller. But you can find the moments.

We have found that of all the things to make time for in our busy daily lives, conversation is the king. It’s not just the way we connect with our kids, but it opens us up to seeing our kids’ authentic selves as well. We may look like we are just talking about their favorite song or a great book they read, but we are being given opportunities to talk about the really important stuff too.

Talk then is like the two-fer bargain of the century. You give a little and get a lot. So invest in your conversations with your kids today. What you get in return: priceless.

Of course, we don’t just talk to each other and you shouldn’t just listen to us.

You can hear more real advice from our fellow bloggers  and visit responsibility.org for additional resources and tips to keep teens safe.

We hope we inspired you to start your own conversation with your kids.  You are the primary influence on your child’s decision to drink alcohol or not.

You can also follow @GoFAAR on Twitter and #responsibility to join the conversations other parents are having about this important topic.

5 Things We Actually Talk To Our Kids About---Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

This is a sponsored post but the things we talk about are all our own. We really do endorse this as one of the many valuable resources available to guide you through the process of talking to your kids.

You can follow us on Google+, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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How To Get Conversations With Your Kids Rolling

We talk about talking with your kids a lot. You can read about it here and here.

But how, oh how, do you make it easier?

Try a little something we like to call “Stop, Drop, and Roll with it.” Stop the lectures. Drop the awkward broaching of even awkward-er topics. Roll with the conversation.

It’s all about building a “Culture for Conversation” with your kids. Every conversation does not have to be complex and deep to build a connection. Every shared giggle, every act of listening, every story told builds an environment, a culture, in your home conducive to conversation.

It’s all about sharing your real self with your real kids in a real way. So here’s a little how-to so you can get those conversations with your kids rolling today.

How To Get Conversations With Your Kids Rolling. Spoiler Alert: It has a lot to do with keeping your mouth shut.  Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Elementary

In this age group, parents tend to drive the conversation, but kids are a receptive, captive audience. They still see you as a fountain of knowledge and a go-to for information.  You are forming the habits now that will serve you later in the tween and teen years.

Erin's family has a cube with table topics that they like to bring out at mealtime.

Erin’s family has a cube with table topics that they like to bring out at mealtime.

  • Create mealtimes and bedtimes with space for conversation. Establish the routine of conversing every day.
  • Use experiences with TV, movies, and music to kindle conversation. Homework can also be a great jumping off point.

Erin: While studying for a social studies test with my then third-grader, I asked him this question: “Name three ways the Native Americans use their natural resources.” This was his inspired response: “Well, very well, and outstanding.”  In this case, we were able to talk about his possible future in stand-up. Don Rickles has nothing on this kid.

Erin: We love this resource. It brings us gems like this: At dinner last night, we asked the question: So what makes you different from everyone else?

Son 1: I’m handsome.
Son 2: I have great hair.
Son 3: I am the funniest and cutest.

Apparently, humility is NOT the thing that distinguishes Dymowskis from the pack.     

  •  Sometimes conversation thuds, but learn to keep going and only laugh out loud if you can’t help it.

Erin: This is really, really hard to do sometimes, especially when your kids lob up keepers like this:

Son: Dad, that team we just beat is the same one we lost to in the first game of the season.

My husband: That’s great. What do you think was the difference?

Son: The score.       

Middle School

This is the moment where the parenting dynamic shifts. You have to remember (over and over again) conversation is just as much about listening.  At the very least, Middle Schoolers have many more opinions about what is going on in the world around them. At the very worst, they share them with you. We jest. Kind of.

How to get the converstion rolling with your kids.  -Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

The best thing that you can do is to switch it up a little. Let them lead the conversation now. While they may no longer think of you as the Bomb Diggity of Wisdom, you’re still a major influencer in their lives. In fact,  you are still the most important one. They want to have conversations with you. They just want more of a role determining where, when, and how.

  • With older kids, it’s less about creating a conversational agenda and more about grabbing a moment and going with it.

Erin: When my oldest was in 6th grade, I decided to use the time in the car to get at the heart of a matter bothering me. Not a bad idea in itself, but I was so set on attacking my agenda that I started pelting him with questions right out of a parenting book the second he got in the car. He knew I wasn’t being authentic and he called me on it. He rolled down the window and yelled out, “My mom is trying to relate to me.”

  •  Catch them in the first 15 minutes when they walk through the door. They are ready to unload, but if you don’t catch it, they are stingy with the replay button.
  •  Listen without judgment or reaction. Just use “Yes, I am listening cues” like nodding your head. We love Michelle Icard’s use of the term “botox brow.” Learn it, love it, employ it often.
  • In general, only give the info they are looking for, BUT always be on the lookout for segueing into trickier topics like underage drinking.
  • This is a great time to set conversational guidelines. We are talking about things like: no name-calling, no bringing up old business, no using words like “always” and “never”. This is the time to start modelling healthy relationship tools. At the very least, you are creating awesome future spouses. Imagine the thank you notes your future sons and daughters-in-law will send you.
  • Emphasize that disagreements arise between all people, even those who love each other. Families work to resolve conflict with open minds, open hearts, and open dialogue.
  • Oh, and learn their lingo. If you were visiting a foreign country, you would take a guidebook and learn the customs. The natives will appreciate the effort . . . usually.

twitter slang

High School

It’s similar to middle school, but teens spend more time away from families than with them. Between  school, sports, activities, jobs, and friends, they have their own world.  Honoring that they have their own life experiences and independent knowledge is key to maintaining a good open relationship.

  • Honor that they have been exposed to things that you didn’t expose them to.  Ask about movies they have seen, music they listen to, art they like, and books they love. They may talk a little or a lot, but these are your breadcrumbs back to them when the talking gets harder. 
  • Remind them that they have a soft place to land.  Your words, gestures, and even your familiar home environment should send a message that your house is their safe place. If they ask you not to tell something to your mother, your best friend, or their siblings, honor that. Husbands are a whole other ballgame, but the point is that they need to know that you are the Fort Knox of trust.
  • Keep it conversational rather than confrontational. Eye contact can be great, but shouldn’t be mandatory. Some things are just hard to talk about. The car is a great place for this to happen . . . especially in the first fifteen minutes they descend upon you. We are often grateful to have two hands on a steering wheel and a windshield to stare through when the kids start dropping bombshells.

Erin: In my house, we have a loveseat that brings you together but makes eye contact impossible without awkward neck angles. It’s the perfect chair for talking. My kids will even ask to “take it the chair” sometimes.

  • Walking together and doing activities gets the conversation flowing.

Ellen: I have to remind myself of this constantly. I once asked my daughter to go on a hike and I learned more in that twenty minutes than a month’s worth of “How was your day?” I was longing for a flip chart though because the social hierarchy and nuisances she shared were more complicated than the lineage of the House of Windsor.

  • Be prepared for conversational shrapnel. Good conversation with teens means that you are sometimes going to get nailed with things you really didn’t want to know. You are likely to find out that sweet little kid who slept over at your house for five years straight is now a social media bully or worse. Just remember that “botox brow” we mentioned before or you are going be shut out faster than you can say, “Come again?”

Were you hoping for more of a step-by-step instead of an Ikea pamphlet? Here’s the thing, you’ve got this. No one knows or loves your kids better than you. Just remember to always put on your listening ears (and face) and you’ll be fine.

If you’re looking for more resources for a lifetime of conversations, the Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility has them. You can find all sorts of great ideas for starting and continuing talks with your kids. Check out this video from FAAR too. It’s a great place to start!

Good luck and just keep talking!

Erin and Ellen

 This is a sponsored post but the lessons learned and the “shake your head” anecdotes are all ours. We really do endorse this as one of the many valuable resources available to guide you through the process of talking to your kids.

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You can follow us on Google+, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Check out our books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

 

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Rate Your Role Modeling

Little pitchers have big ears.

Rate Your Role Modeling

Ellen: This idiom befuddled me as a child.

Erin: Really? It just refers to little children overhearing and understand more conversations than their parents might think. It’s an allusion to the ear-like handles often found on smaller pitchers. I think the phrase dates back at least to early 16th century England . . .

Ellen: I said as a child. A CHILD. You’re the bee’s knees of old timey phraseology. I swear it’s like blogging with a senior citizen. Now that I’m a mother, I know exactly what it means. To quote a great poet: “I always feel like somebody’s watching me.”

Erin: And you are the grand master flash of quoting 80s pop music. But kids are doing more than just watching and listening in this digital age. They’re reading what we write in texts and on Facebook and Twitter, also.

Ellen: We all monitor our kids online, but don’t think for a second they aren’t monitoring us too.

Erin: That’s why our blog is pretty PG rated. We started it when our kids were older and after several of them were already active on social media. We wanted them to be able to read it without us having a lot of ‘splaining to do.

Ellen: We already knew how hard parenting teens was and we just didn’t want to make it harder on ourselves.

Erin: Plus we are not the best at compartmentalizing. Our lives are sprawling, happy messes with one area sloshing over onto another. The CIA is not seeking us out as double agents, that’s for sure.

Ellen: This is not to say that blogs can’t be meant for mature audiences, it’s just not what we do.

Erin: We don’t do fashion blogging either, unless modeling Keens counts, and that certainly doesn’t make it bad or wrong.

Ellen: So we write without f-bombs and raunch, but how are we doing on a more subtle, subliminal level?

Erin: We questioned ourselves a bit at our recent summit with the Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility (FAAR) after hearing Haley Kilpatrick, Founder and Executive Director of Girl Talk, speak.

Ellen: Girl Talk’s mission is to help young teenagers build self-esteem, develop leadership skills, and recognize the value of community service. They have this program called T.H.I.N.K. to remind everyone to “THINK before you speak, text or type.”

Erin: Yeah, that lesson is not just for teens. They want you to consider, “Is what I’m saying True, Helpful, Important, Necessary, and Kind?”

Ellen: That is some pretty good stuff. So when Haley later went on to discuss how it angers and confuses children when their mothers present themselves as one way to the world and another way to them, we took notice.

Erin: And when FAAR later asked, “What messages are we sending our kids when we joke about drinking?” it definitely was a moment that made us go, “Hmmmmmmm.”

Ellen: Children’s most “preventative years” are between the ages of six and ten. In other words, this is when they are the most receptive to learning healthy, balanced behaviors. So in terms of alcohol, are we unintentionally normalizing drinking as a coping strategy when we talk about wine as “Mommy’s Juice” or joke that our kids drive us to drink?

Erin: Now adults are allowed to have grown-up conversations with mature jokes. Yes, we enjoy those from time to time . . . or always.

Ellen: But the food for thought is that what we post online might not be away from little eyes. Your Wee Wendy might not have a smartphone, but 88.3% of her friends do and it is just one quick click to check out your Twitter feed.

Erin: And I know I always have my Facebook profile open on my laptop. I can’t be the only one.

Ellen: No, you are not.

Erin: Kids judge in pretty concrete black and white terms; it’s a developmental thing. The best parenting strategy for this is honesty and consistency. How do we as parents find the balance between falsely homogenizing our lives down to a G-rated movie and being the best role models we can be?

Ellen: Seriously! We want your opinion! Watch this video and see what FAAR’s #RefreshYourFunny means. We would love to hear what you have to say.

Erin: It’s time to rate your role modeling. Where do you find the parenting balance?

This piece is part of the series we write as ambassadors for FAAR. We receive compensation, but all opinions are our own.

 

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Kindling for Conversation

Use Pop Culture As Kindle For Conversation With Your Kids | Parenting Advice| Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

There are talks, and then there are talks.

Ellen: There are talks with your kids like “You really need to eat your vegetables.”

Erin: And then there are TALKS which cover weightier issues like alcohol.

Ellen: Planning a TALK with your kids can be daunting, so seizing the moment to have TALKS should become a habit.

Erin: I have five kids. If I scheduled out big TALKS with each individual child on every important subject, I would be rocking in the corner from the stress overload of it all and my kids would be ducking for cover to avoid the awkward.

Ellen: But there are plenty of everyday opportunities where you can share a quick morsel of knowledge, ask your child’s opinion . . .

Erin: Really actively listen to their thoughts . . .

Ellen: And have a discussion that doesn’t leave anyone cringing from the embarrassment of a staged lecture.

Erin: One of our go-to conversation starters is pop culture. If you are primed and in the mind frame to capitalize on TALK opportunities when they present themselves, then TV, movies, books, and music are your kindling.

Ellen: Just the other day the Ke$ha song, Tick Tock, came on the car radio, and my daughter remarked, “Man, this song is old.” I just continued the flow and said, “This song has always seemed like a cry for help to me. I mean, c’mon, she’s singing about brushing her teeth with alcohol.”

Erin: Or she needs to put toothpaste on her shopping list.

Ellen: That’s what my daughter said! But with that humor and Ke$ha pulsing in the background, we talked about the C.A.G.E screening questions for alcohol use:

  • Have you ever felt like you should Cut down on your drinking?
  • Have you ever felt Annoyed that people questioned your drinking?
  • Have you ever felt bad or Guilty about your drinking?
  • Have you ever needed an Eye opener drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

Erin: Brushing your teeth with alcohol qualifies as an eye opener, for sure, and I’m going to go out on a limb to say that Ke$ha would probably be annoyed you were using her song like an Afternoon School Special.

Ellen: But you know who wasn’t annoyed? My daughter. We had a relaxed, natural conversation about what responsible alcohol use looks like without any lecturing involved.

 Erin: I’ve had similar luck piggybacking off an episode of a favorite show or watching a movie together. Thank you, ABC Family, for being the springboard for many a convenient conversation. Bottom line: be open to the moments when they present themselves, even and especially after cringe-worthy episodes of Must-See-TV.

Another way to get the conversation rolling is to follow our latest #TalkEarly initiative. April is Alcohol Awareness Month. The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility (now FAAR, formerly known as The Century Council) has set a goal of sparking two million conversations this month about alcohol responsibility and we want you to join the discussion with us.

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Luckily, we’ve taken a great first step for you. With FAAR, Scholastic Parent and Child, and Dr. Michele Borba, Today Show regular and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries  and our other #TalkEarly ambassadors, we started talking on social media about some of the issues facing parents and kids and alcohol responsibility today. In addition to the wonderful support and honesty shared, three powerful and important messages emerged.

The first thing to remember is that these talks don’t require much ACTUAL talking on your part. Can we all just breathe a big sigh of relief right now?  While there is nothing wrong with being prepared and there are some great resources here, googling “scripts for alcohol conversations with my kids” isn’t really necessary either. The reassuring truth is that kids want parents to listen twice as much as they talk.  You don’t need all the answers so much as the desire to be present and available. We can all put a check in that box.

The second thing to file away and rub like a lucky talisman is that your child WANTS to hear what you have to say. You are now and will always be a hugely powerful orb in your family’s little solar system. You matter. You make a difference. Oh, and you can do this. We all can.

The third thing is the thing we said before: just talk about stuff. Any of it. The music, the movies, and the TV shows will get the talk flowing for sure, but really anything will do.  It’s easiest to just talk early, talk often, and keep the conversation going. It’s a heck of a lot easier to start having conversations when your child is eager for time with you and wants to talk about his latest obsession with LEGO or her favorite character from “Frozen” than when you have to talk about the arrangements for prom night. Start the conversation before you need to have a confrontation. Your kids may not make it easier to talk when they cross over into teendom but if it’s what you have always done, you can rely on that shared history to bridge the generational gaps and hormonal humps.

Listen, we know you are already busy and finding time for big talks rate somewhere between never and not-gonna-happen. But remember what we said before: it doesn’t have to be hard or big or even something that you need to schedule on your calendar. Simply opening your eyes to opportunities to get a conversation going is an important step, maybe the most important one. Look for the kindling in your every day life with your child. Let the ordinary ignite your discussion.

So now we are going to leave you with one important thought and a question: What conversation will this spark for you?

Don’t take a “not my kid” attitude. Keep your eyes open and your relationship strong. Don’t ignore underage drinking issues.

-Dr. Michele Borba

Be 1 in 2 million this month!

Join the conversation and #TalkEarly with your kids today!

-Erin and Ellen

This post was sponsored by The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility, but all of our opinions are our own.

You can follow The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility on Twitter, Facebook, and check out their great resources on their website.

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Teach Your Kids to Love Themselves

“If children are not taught to love themselves from a very young age, they are never, ever going to make the choices that they need to have healthier bodies and healthier lifestyles.

-Julia V. Taylor


No pressure! Yeah, we knew that line was coming and we still broke out into flopsweats writing it. But you don’t need us to tell you this parenting gig is hard. What you might need is for us to remind you is that you are good enough, you are strong enough, and you are one of the most influential people in your children’s lives.

good enough mom

 

Are you sputtering, “But Ellen and Erin, what about peer groups, what about television, WHAT ABOUT THE MEDIA?”

Yes, we know, but embrace that YOU are important too.

Here are some facts so you don’t think we’re riding our unicorns around the Kingdom of Blissful Ignorance:

Peers

  • Children generally start to find their place in the social puzzle around age eight.
  • Elementary children learn that being mean can boost their “social visibility.”
  • There is a true hierarchy of groups.
  • Finding a niche is  a vital part of adolescent development; peers literally define who they are.
  • Belonging to a group sets the tone of adolescent everyday experience.
Source: Julia V. Taylor

Television and Media

American teenagers spend:

  • 31 hours a week watching TV.
  • 17 hour a week listening to music.
  • 3 hours a week watching movies.
  • 4 hours a week reading magazines
  • 10 hours a week online.
Source: Miss Representation

 

So yes, your children are getting bombarded from all sides when you send them out into that big wide world. Shielding them from negative messages is like fighting a forest fire with a teacup: Impossible. What you can do is outfit them with the self-esteem and skills to make them fireproof.

Teach Your Kids To Love Themselves

And it starts with how you treat yourself and others; especially when “nobody is watching” because by the way, your kids are ALWAYS watching.

  • Stop putting yourself down. Instead of talking about all of the things you hate about your body, talk about the history of your body and what it has carried you through. Your nose came from grandma. Those stretchmarks are badges of honor, baby.
  • Model the kind of friend you want your child to be. You can preach kindness, but if your child hears you bashing your friends on the phone behind their backs on the daily, your words are empty. Smack talk isn’t just on the playground.
  • Teach them to see the good in others by teaching them to compliment others. It’s much more empowering to hear “Wow, you are a really fast runner,” than “Wow, you’re so skinny.” Praise the work, not the look.

Teach them about media manipulation.

  • Point out the tricks of advertising. Make them aware advertisers frequently imply something is wrong with you so that their products can “fix” it. We have yet to encounter the pore-less, depilitated, wrinkle-free bots airbrushed to a shiny sheen in fashion magazines. Go through one with your kids and fold down every page that implies “you can be improved.” It’s eye-opening.
  • Discuss how reality shows have very little to do with reality. In fact, they have about as much of a grip on reality as a schizophrenia chipmunk. It’s scripted. And their horrible actions have no consequence because, wait for it, it’s a show created for shock value..
  • Highlight what really should be admired. Ask them what they like about their favorite celebrities and they will likely list things like money and looks. Now ask them about someone in their life they admire and they will likely say those people are nice and help others. Not everyone can be a celebrity, but everyone can be someone to admire.

Help them manage peer situations.

  • Listen. Don’t listen to figure out what you are going to say, listen to hear. And don’t be dismissive. If they share a problem and you say, “Oh, you’re fine,” you’ve just belittled their concern. Reflect back to them instead. “Wow, it sounds like you had a rough day. I understand you are feeling badly.”
  • Listen some more. Do you sometimes just need to vent? So does your child. Let’s all practice saying, “Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?”
  • Give them boundaries. They want to be reined in. They need to be reined in to feel secure.
  • Give them an out. Let them know you will come get them out of any dangerous situation with no immediate questions asked, but with discussion to follow. Don’t have them more afraid of you than of getting into a car with an inebriated driver.
  • Make sure all of their friends are not in one basket. Introduce them to other groups to be a part of so they can find a niche. It can be sports, art, scouts, theater, fire-walking, etc. Well, maybe only fire-walking if you’re super laid back.

All of these actions can help your child navigate the world, honor themselves, and understand your values. So if, for example, your child is offered a drink, it’s not just the high budget beer commercials and their friends’ urgings playing through their heads. You are there too.

Even if your kids act like they want you to go away, be involved. Adolescents who perceive less parental involvement are more likely to engage in risky behaviors like sex, alcohol, and drugs. Don’t confuse their intelligence for maturity. They need to know your rules and they need to know you’re watching. They need to value themselves so they make healthy choices.

So love yourself, teach them skills, and give them boundaries. And come rock with us in our corner while we sweat through this parenting thing together.

-Ellen and Erin

 

Julia V. Taylor is a K-12 Certified School Counselor and author of The Bullying Workbook for TeensSalvaging SisterhoodG.I.R.L.S: Group Counseling Activities for Enhancing Social and Emotional Development (G.I.R.L.S. is two separate curricula, one for secondary ages, and another for elementary ages), and a children’s book, Perfectly You.

 

As a member of the #TalkEarly parent blogger team, this post is part of a campaign sponsored by The Century Council to combat underage drinking and advance alcohol responsibility. We thank them for bringing Julie V. Taylor to speak with us. All opinions are our own.

 

You can follow #TalkEarly on Twitter, Pinterest, and The Century Council Website.

 

 

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Honesty is Easier When You #TalkEarly With Your Kids

Today, we’re mortaring  another brick in the foundation of the #TalkEarly to Your Kids About Alcohol Program sponsored by The Century Council.

We have told you why to talk early to your children about alcohol. (Mini-recap: YOU are huge influence for your kids and the younger they are, the more receptive they are to your values and messages).

And we have discussed how to talk to them. (Mini-recap: Small tidbits of information and spiral back to the subject often.)

Now we’re going to kick a stumbling block to the side for your parenting pleasure:

How do you tell your child not to participate in underage drinking if you were guilty of doing it yourself?

Honesty #TalkEarly

Honesty is generally the best policy, but this doesn’t mean your chat with your kids needs to morph into a Dr. Phil worthy confessional. Ain’t nobody got a Hail Mary for that.

Honesty is Easier When You #TalkEarly With Your Kids

What we do have for you is some wonderful information that we learned from Lisa Graham Keegan at the #TalkEarly summit. Lisa is the bestselling author of  “Simple Choices: Thoughts on Choosing Environments That Support Who Your Child Is Meant to Be.” Quite frankly, we were smitten with her charisma and no nonsense wisdom.

Here is a little gem from her book:

Guidepost #2: See your children for who they are, and allow them to develop the gifts that are unique to them. They have them for a reason.

See what we mean?  She really simplified things when she said, “Be the parent. Even if you drank in high school, you need to tell them not to drink.” Yes, that exactly. BE THE PARENT. Drinking is such a highly charged subject, but just think of it like this: Would you shirk from telling your child not touch a hot stove just because you did it as a kid? No, because it’s your job to tell them right from wrong and to protect them.

And yes we know, this is only simple on paper. We can practically hear you lamenting, “HOW DO YOU PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE!?!”

We know. Ever wish you could just peek behind the curtains and see how other people do it? Well don’t fall off your stepladder because we’re throwing the drapes wide open. We asked our own kids questions like “How do you feel if we tell you not to do something like underage drink and then you find out that we did?” and “Is it better to be honest about it or not tell you at all?” The conversation that unfolded was amazing. Here, see for yourself:

FINAL_It-Takes-2-TALKEARLYSo the bottom line is just ask. And asking is not such a big deal if you have established a routine of having conversations with them when they are young and still think you are the wisest person in the world. See, that is where the whole #TalkEarly thing comes into play. They ARE listening to you, so why not listen to them?

This post is sponsored by The Century Council as part of our partnership with them exploring how to #TalkEarly with our kids.

You can follow #TalkEarly on Twitter and The Century Council Website.

Follow #TalkEarly on Pinterest to find healthy recipes, exercise tips for kids, tips on parenting adolescents, and for homework help.

 

 

 

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#TalkEarly: Rise Above the Teen and Tween Grumpiness

We know you just don’t want to go there, but we are taking you there now.

#TalkEarly Rise Above The Teen and Tween Grumpiness

Erin: No, it’s not the DMV. It’s worse. We are traveling to the land of parental responsibilities: talking about alcohol with your kids.

Ellen: The cattle call at the DMV sounds like a pleasure now, doesn’t it? We know the mere THOUGHT of the discussion can make you break out in the type of hives you haven’t experienced since you ditched Red Dye #40.

Erin:  Lucky for you, we’re here to help by suggesting the best paper bag to control your hyperventilation.

Why It Is Important to #TalkEarlyEllen: Just kidding.  We have access to some great resources that can help you too.

Erin: But it’s too soon, you say. He still plays with Legos, you say. She still pulls out her Barbies every chance she gets. We can’t possibly be talking about this stuff already.

Ellen:  Unclench your teeth and your butt cheeks because this is actually the perfect time to get this particular conversation ball rolling.  Talking early long before your child is tempted to drink or even go anywhere near a party is ideal because underage drinking increases with age.

Erin:  But that is not all, talking early also lets you discover how to approach your child long before the stakes are high.  It also establishes you’re open to talk about stuff. All stuff. Not just their favorite video games, but their hopes, their fears, and scary stuff too. You set the precedent that you are reliable and available.

Ellen: And the Miss Congeniality of the Availability Pageant is “The Good Listener”. As hard as it may be, a good listener keeps her mouth shut until the other person finishes sharing.

Erin:  But as a parent, you need to up your game even more. You really need to evaluate how your child wants to be approached.

Ellen: Since we are knee deep with teens and tweens, we decided to poll our own kids on how they like to be approached. Hear their answers in their own words. It’s really as easy as asking.

Erin: We were surprised ourselves by their candor, but also by the variety and depth of their responses.

Ellen: We actually have a lot of one-on-one conversations in my house, but I don’t think it’s obvious because we leave room for conversations to happen organically. Room that is created by doing things together like swimming and hiking. My tween and teen girls are both pretty open to discussions, but not every kid is like that.

Erin: Absolutely. In my house, I have to honor the different ways my kids communicate. Some of them want one-on-one time but some of  my kids feel like that’s a confrontation.

Ellen: But what is true for every kid is that these conversations need time and space to develop. It helps to create these expectations for these spaces early in their childhoods because as kids grow and change, so can their attitudes about talking with you.

Erin: You know how uncomfortable it makes YOU to talk about alcohol? Just add a level of angst, some middle school melodrama and a dash of surly teen grumpiness to the mix and you know what you have?

Ellen: A recipe for conversational catastrophe.

Erin: It’s enough to make you say: So why talk at all? Especially about alcohol? EVER?

Rise Above the Adolescent Grumpiness. #TalkEarly

Ellen: You talk because of this: Parents  hugely influence their kids’ ideas. Your kids will listen to you.

Erin: Really own that. Make these words your daily affirmation through the adolescent years: “I am powerfully influential and they will listen to me.”

Ellen: Now that you are properly affirmed, you can’t make assumptions that they know underage drinking is bad. You have to tell them. Kids underestimate the power of alcohol. This coupled with their sense of invulnerability can be a dangerous situation.

Erin: One last pep talk. You are fierce and motivated by love, so here are some talking points to help you out when you DO have the space for the conversation.

What They Need to Know From You

1. Drinking can be fatal. Even the very first time. Low body weight and developing brains make it an even riskier proposition.

2. Alcohol inhibits your decision-making. Drinking opens you up to experimentation with more dangerous things like drugs and sex.  It increases your chances of being a victim or a perpetrator. You lose control.

3. Leads to regretful behavior and embarrassment.  That picture of you with your head in the toilet will live on the internet forever.

4. Hurts school and sports performances. Dreams are big at this age. Bright futures are so close and yet so far away. Alcohol can stand in the way of those shiny somedays.

5. Trouble with the law. Underage drinking is illegal. Drinking and driving is not only deadly, it is against the law. And just think about it, going around smashing mailboxes only sounds hilarious when you are smashed yourself. Gets back to decision-making.

6. Not a healthy way to handle stress or uplift mood. Alcohol has never solved a problem but it excels at making things worse. Think gasoline on a fire.

Erin: Feeling a little verklempt? Ready for that paper bag to breathe into?

Ellen: It’s a lot, but remember it doesn’t all have to be covered at once. That’s why you practice creating the space for conversations and you spiral back around on topics as you have the opportunity.

Erin: Granted, these conversations aren’t the easiest, but they are the most important.

FINAL_It-Takes-Two-TALKEARLY

This post is sponsored by The Century Council as part of our partnership with them exploring how to #TalkEarly with our kids.

You can follow #TalkEarly on Twitter and The Century Council Website.

follow-us-on-pinterest

Follow #TalkEarly on Pinterest to find healthy recipes, exercise tips for kids, tips on parenting adolescents, and for homework help.

 

 

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#TalkEarly About Alcohol: Morsels, Breadcrumbs, and Spirals

We have exciting news here at The Sisterhood!

Ellen: No, it’s not that the kids are going back to school. Everyone has that news. Sheesh, we’re not that boring. I mean we’ll take precious time to compose an ode to our hatred for school lunches, but back to school? Meh.

Erin: And yes, we are co-authors in the best selling anthology “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth,” but we are taking a fifteen minute break away from promoting that.

Ellen: I’m not even announcing that I’ve cleaned out my minivan . . . because I haven’t. What’s the point? The hamster wheel of carpooling is manically spinning once again.

Command Central

This is more than a vehicle, this is Command Central.

Erin: Here is what we ARE announcing: We are partnered with The Century Council as Blog Ambassadors for their #TalkEarly summit. This organization is dedicated to fighting underage drinking, binge drinking, and driving under the influence.

TalkEarlyBadge

Ellen: We are so excited to be championing how and why to talk to your children early and often about underage drinking. We all need to start talking about these topics long before we’re worried about first drinks or even driving.

Erin: Have you just passed out from the enormity of the subject?

Ellen: We know, right?

Erin: Let’s get a little into the how first. Getting back to the carpooling and the endless hours in the minivan . . .

Ellen: Do we have to? I’m breaking out in hives thinking about carpool lines.

Erin: We all are, but what if we all decided to use that time for good? Talking to your kids shouldn’t be a dump and dash. You’ve got to dole out your morsels of advice real nice and slow. Think storybook character in a deep dark wood.

Ellen: And now I have visions of Hansel and Gretel in my head, but maybe that’s appropriate. It can feel gruesome to tackle tough subjects with your kids.

Erin: All breadcrumbs aside, we should all start thinking in terms of opening dialogues with our kids, not “having talks.” The car is a great place to do this because you can’t stare your kid in the eye. By removing the laser beam intensity, the savage beast feel less edgy. As long as you feed “it” at regular intervals and let “it” control the radio, you now have a great opportunity to get your dialogue on.

Ellen: I like to think of it as “Spiral Discussions.” An important topic is not just addressed once and checked off the parenting list. I’m always looking for openings to discuss important topics with my kids. The key to this is being an ACTIVE LISTENER . . .

Erin: Which is easier said then done.

Ellen: See? You interrupted me right there.

Erin: That’s where the active part comes in. It’s hard to be a good listener.

Ellen: But it’s easier to get your point across when you have a good graphic . . . I mean to explain my Spiral Discussions technique. Don’t show your kids graphics while your driving.

Erin: That’s just dangerous and would cause eye rolls of epic proportions. Although your kid might make history as the first person to actually see her own brain.

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms Spiral Discussions #TalkEarly

Ellen: Having trouble getting the conversation ball rolling? My all time favorite convo starter is “Who did you sit next to at lunch today?”

I have used this question since kindergarten. I asked my 15 y/o if she thought it was an intrusive question and she said no. In fact, she told me it was pretty good because it always got her talking about her friends which is easier than being grilled about herself. What your children say about their friends will give you a world of information about their social atmospheres.

Erin: I feel like I need to laminate that moment in history for you. Validation from a teenager is rarer than all of the checkout lanes being open at Walmart.

Ellen: I know! But speaking of a world of information, we don’t have to parcel out all of our tidbits at once.

Erin: Exactly! We’ll eek out little morsels over the next few months from The Century Council about talking to your kids. We’ll share the fabulous resources from The Century Council as well as our own experiences. In our own little way, we’ll be laying a trail of breadcrumbs in the woods.

Ellen: A trail that will lead to a better relationship with your kids, NOT an evil witch’s abode like in Hansel and Gretel.

Erin: I’m sorry I brought up the storybook analogy, but we are going to leave you with one more morsel.

 

These are our “Words to Live By”.

What are Yours?

You can follow #TalkEarly on Twitter, Pinterest, and The Century Council Website.

 

We are happy to be employed as blog ambassadors for The Century Council. All opinions, morsels, breadcrumbs, spirals, and messy minivans are all our own.

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