Ladies! Do you feel overwhelmed by all you are expected to do in a single day . . . by 9 am? Does the word “multi-task” make your left eye twitch with the delicacy of a jackhammer? Do you rush around to complete your chores before you enjoy that first sip of coffee, only to discover that it is stone cold because, well, it’s 2:30 pm and you poured it 7 hours ago? But you don’t have time for that coffee anyway because you need to get your pajammied fanny into the car to pick up the little darlings from school and, Holy Cheezits ,Woman! You’re still in your pajamas!

Is your heart palpitating? We know. We live la vita loco too. But no mas! Not only are we going to stop quoting Taco Bell slogans, we are presenting you with our inspired-genius-solid-gold-grand-slam honey of a plan that will make your life richer, happier, and five pounds lighter.

The Sensible Sisterhood Rent-A-Sister Wife

Alright, just hear us out. We’re not talking about polygamy, we’re talking about help for YOU, so you can just stop braiding your hair (but you may to keep combing it, just sayin’). We’re talking real help, like if you cloned yourself. Or the kind of help your capable, trust-worthy, mad-skills-wielding girlfriends could give you if they didn’t already have their own 27 hour per day gigs going on.

So why not just hire a cleaning service, you ask? Well, we’re assuming you would if you could afford it. But even if you can, you know what a cleaning service lacks? Love. Sure a cleaning service will mop your floors, dust your chotchkies, change your sheets, scrub the not-so-mystery stains from your toilet, vacuum . . . wait, what was the problem with cleaning services? Oh yeah, they don’t CARE about you. Will a cleaning lady find the source of that evil smell in your SUV or touch-up your roots? Maybe once, but don’t kid yourself, she’s never coming back.

So assuming you do want to pinch your pennies and you haven’t figured out how to  duplicate yourself (although that’s a million dollar idea, so keep trying), we’re offering different categories of Rent-A-Sister-Wife. Just pick the Sister Wife who will tackle those tasks you hate with the power of a thousand blazing suns. It’ll lighten your load or at least stop you from grinding that ax.

1. The Sunshine-y Sun’s Up Sister Wife

Has the morning routine morphed into drudgery?  Let this Sister Wife get the kids out of bed, comb the squirrelly knots out of their hair, find that missing homework, match up those shoes, toast those waffles, pack those lunches, empty that dishwasher, and brew your coffee — all the while with a smile lighting up her face and rainbows shooting out of her arse. She’ll radiate calm and good will down upon your family as only someone who is not related to you all can.

YOU get to glide down the steps an hour later with your hair brushed and mascara applied in time to receive your steaming mug of happiness and to lovingly kiss your spawn good-bye. Now that is a good morning.

2. The Seek and She Shall Find Sister Wife

This Sister Wife is like a magician. Her internal GPS tracks down and pinpoints things so well, you’ll want to stick her in your pocket on your next trip to the big city. Her talent is your fortune and with her help, you’ll be amassing extra minutes like the Midas of Minivans.

Just think of the extra time would you have in your day if you didn’t have to search for everyone’s missing shizz. Husband can’t find his keys? Sister Wife is checking khaki pockets like a bloodhound. Preschooler can’t find THE Squinkies that will shut his yapper? Sister Wife is already picking through the trash. Teen can’t find his sports physical form? Sister Wife is dialing the pediatrician’s office to get a new one. You seem to have misplaced your sanity? This Sister Wife suggests you check out the next category.

3.  The Customer Service Sister Wife

This Sister Wife cheerily dons her badge and polo just to make your life easier. How much sunnier would your outlook be if you could just DO your tasks without having to HEAR any complaints? This Sister Wife is ready to hear them all from meal reviews to allowance disputes to sibling arbitration. Part diplomat and sometimes peacekeeper, she mediates, appeases, and pacifies with the best of them. Back off, United Nations, she’s ours.

In the meantime, you will be happily working your way through the day’s agenda with nary a whine. You’ll still be cooking dinner, but it’ll be in peace.

4. Hazmat Sister Wife

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: body fluids happen. But they won’t ruin your day or your carpet with this Sister Wife around. She is a wizard with a bucket, a connoisseur of industrial strength cleaners, and a maestro of the washing machine. This Sister Wife has never met a body fluid that has bested her yet, so she’s your girl when the shizz—and the puke—and any other splashy thing emanating from your kid hits the fan.

Being liberated from diaper, pee, and puke duty will free you up for . . . you know what? Doesn’t matter what you do. Anything is better than the splish-splashing your Sister Wife is saving you from.

5. The Laundress Sister Wife

Imagine a world where the laundry goes from bathroom floor to washing machine to dryer to neatly stacked in a drawer in the span of a single day. Take a moment to breathe deeply and really visualize that Nirvana. This Sister Wife transforms that fantasy into a beautiful reality. She will even match up your legion of errant socks with her make-all-of-your-dreams-come-true ways. Bippity boppity boo, clean underwear for you.

And speaking of fantasies. . .

Psst. Come over here. If what you really want is a little more time for reading (or Candy Crush, no judgements), we have one more Sister Wife special left to offer: The Fifty Shades of Grey Sister Wife. She’ll take care of  <ahem> business, leaving your evening wide open.

Hurry supplies are limited! Put in your order today!

Who couldn’t use a little help from a sister wife?

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-Ellen and Erin

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Check out our books, please, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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