It seems like a good time for a refresher on Mom Guilt . . .
If a mother’s love can stretch to the moon and back, then her guilt zooms to Andromeda, twists itself into an origami sippy cup, snaps back to earth and smothers her like a smelly lovey blanket. Well, today is the day The Sisterhood is kicking that odiferous guilt quilt to the curb.
We all know THAT woman. The chick who spends an entire girls’ night out wringing her hands because she “should be home with her Baaaaay-by”. If you don’t know this woman you are either (A) Lucky or (B) THAT woman. But, honey, we are here for you! Repeat after us: “I need to recharge and work on my adult relationships. I am not a robot or a slave and, goshdarnit, other people besides my kids deserve my attention, including me.”
Time to start honoring, dare we even say relishing, the time we get to rejuvenate ourselves and our relationships or else we are just wasting everyone’s time.
Need some hardcore convincing? May we present . . .
1. Nobody wants to parent the center of the universe.
Conveying to your child day in and day out that she is the center of the world leaves a barren place for humility and empathy to take root. And think about how it feels for your kid when all of your focus is on him or her. Holy Anxiety! We all have great expectations for our kids, but sometimes our micromanaging can become stifling. A little time apart shows your child there are other things in your world. Just remember, you’re modeling how to be a happy and successful adult, too . . . but no pressure.
2. If you let the kids take over, it’s gonna get ugly—for both of you.
Kids are need monsters who desire nothing less than complete domination of that kingdom we call home. But let’s get a little perspective—are you really going to let a little Napoleon prevent you from having some time alone? He just pooped his pants an hour ago, should he really be calling the shots? And besides, having that much power can be frightening. It is a little disconcerting to be able to prevent mom from going out the door by throwing a batcrap crazy tantrum. Boundaries are not punishments, they are an integral part of parental love.
3. You need to love your partner more than your kids.
Boom. We said it. You heard it. But really listen to what we’re laying down. Kids can’t take you dancing or give you a lovely night out or uncork the wine bottle. And they should never be your emotional bedrock. Your partner staked a vested interest in your happiness and well-being before you started this family. Offering some return on that investment will only pay dividends in happiness and emotional well-being for the whole clan.
4. Your friends need attention too.
We all get by with more than just a little help from our friends. We aren’t just talking about carpools either. Good friends are like water and air and Sour Patch Kids (or is that just us?). Acknowledging and honoring how essential these relationships are now means that your girls will still be there for you later. Like when you need help hiding a body. (PTA meetings can be brutal.)
5. You need to honor yourself, your needs, and your dreams.
Kids need the best version of you. We are not talking about the perfectly waxed, superbly coifed, and supremely toned you. (Remember those days? We don’t.) We’re talking about the you that channels deep wells of Mother Theresa worthy patience, laughs in the face of Looney Tune-esque antics, and leaps tall buildings in a single bound or at least has the energy for a decent game of yard soccer. We’re talking about the you that happens when you are rested, understood, and your soul is fed on a deep metaphysical level.
Soooooooooooo. . . .
If you want to get a babysitter to write your blog, take a run, or get a haircut, just do it. Volunteer to save woodchucks, write the great American novel or break out the cocktails with a friend. Honor your needs, because you need to recharge and only YOU know what is gonna make that happen.
On the flip side? Don’t Judge!
If other people are taking time, don’t judge. Take notes on how she makes it happen! There is no medal for this tour of duty. Let us tell you once and for all: You do not win any Mother of the Year trophies, because there is no competition!
If you get the chance to be away from your precious ones, don’t spend that time fretting about what is going on at home. If you’re not refreshed to tackle your mom job when you actually get back home, then it’s nobody’s fault but your own. Girl, you know you’re back on duty the SECOND you walk through that door. Take your chance and run like hell or, in the beginning, baby step your way to a better, happier you.
We know it’s hard, but you have to get over the hassle of taking that first step. Go sit in a coffee house, grab a tapas with your girlfriends, or take an afternoon off to spend with a good book. They all offer you the same thing—a chance to do what makes you feel good. You will be a better mother for it, and these baby steps toward honoring yourself will prepare you for even bigger leaps like, gasp, going away with your husband. It’s work (we know the planning, the scheduling, and organizing can nearly kill you) but it’s worth it.
There’s a reason there’s a saying: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Kick Mom Guilt to the curb and grab your slice of happiness today.
-Ellen and Erin
Absolutely right, on all counts! Kids who know they run the show are surprisingly terrified of their own power–that’s why they keep upping the ante, hoping someone will provide some kind of boundary.
You speak wisdom, Karen. I’m a firm believer in keeping the ante from being upped! Ellen
This one really hits home. It’s especially hard to get time to myself when I am working 40 hours a week, too. But I am trying. Great article. 🙂
Jessica recently posted..[17/365] Down the Drain
Reading this makes me realize we need a girls night out!
And it is thanks to my sisterhood that I am leaving my kids for 2 weeks (gulp…still sweating about this!)
I love this post (for obvious reasons). I seriously need to get a t-shirt, coffee mug, and perhaps a wall plaque with that “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” saying on it 🙂
Susan Wenner Jackson – Working Moms Against Guilt recently posted..When Mom Needs Help
You girls are so damn smart. As I am working on planning a trip with Farmer Bob, I realized I needed to quit feeling guilty for doing something for us…WITHOUT KIDS. Love, love, love.
Tara-YKIHAYHT recently posted..In the Blink of an Eye
Five great reasons, but #3 is my favorite. I’ve seen a saying “The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.” It works both ways – my husband will be here long after the kids are out of the house and on their own.
Dana recently posted..Kitchen Demolition – and we’re off!
I have always believed this. I joined a chorus and escape once a week and sing. Life is so much better for us all if I have me time. To go somewhere and be called Jane and not MMuuuuummmmm strengthens the spirit. It reminds me that I am a person in my own right and not just a mother.
Now all the kids are at school and I only work 2 days I also meet with friends and have lunch or see a movie. I really value these times. We laugh over the silly issues our family creates and council each other so that when we get home we are strengthened and are better parents.
My husband and I try to find time ut together once every so often. Sometimes I meet him for lunch on a work day. This helps us talk through issues and make decisions without the kids inturrupting. We are then a more united front if dealing with something difficult at home. Besides we love each other and love the time we get to spend just being us.
I have been a stay at home mom for the majority of my kid’s lives. I am one of those feel guilty for getting away from kids moms. Literally. I am just now getting over it and my oldest is 20.. and now I have a grandbaby lol. who of course has me wrapped but that is different lol
Southern Angel recently posted..BABY PICTURES A sure way to get forgiveness for my slacking
I couldn’t agree more. Too bad the only time I get away from the kids is to go to work or 5am when I sneak out for a run. I gotta schedule it! Love this post.
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Can you hear us chanting, “Do it! Do it!” Baby steps. Erin
Hi I am new to your blog. I have twin 11-month-old-girls and feel that guilt constantly. If I go and clean while they are awake I feel guilty, If I run to the store without them I feel guilty and on and on it goes. I do go out after they go to bed now and again so at least I still get adult time. I was just sitting in my bed thinking about how I wished one of them would wake up so I could cuddle them in bed. I should be enjoying my time alone right now but that is what I was secretly hoping for.
Nadine recently posted..Boston
Oh, Nadine, I want to run right over with a trashy magazine and something yummy to share. Take some time to just be. You deserve it and your girls will thank you for it later. Erin
Cheers, ladies! You summed this up perfectly. I think this concept is one of the things in life I am most passionate about. I still hear the guilty voice from time to time (OK, a lot) but I try to suppress it and remind myself that I am giving my kids a gift by being a whole person.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. recently posted..Two Posts for the Price of One!
SO TRUE. Every effing word and also this add-on to point number one: it’s important to kids that they understand that parents have lives of their own because they will, in turn (I hope), learn that *they* can have lives of their own when they become parents–or teen-agers. It’s important to learn that independence is not at the expense of family; that individuality can actually exist harmoniously with a group.
I started taking a solo trip to see my longest-ago college friend about four years ago, leaving behind a four-page list for the Husband, who called me umpteen times a day. Still taking the trip: now it’s a few jottings on a sticky-note about playdate possibilities, and one phone call a day, at bedtime. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.
deborah l quinn recently posted..Sick. Tired.
You are so wise for your YOUNG age. I agree, you do need time for yourself. If a flower gets no attention, it will die. Take time for you–you deserve it!!
*standing ovation*
I tell my wife ALL THE TIME, that when these girls get out of the house all she has is me. And thus she better like hanging out with me.
One of the things we’re doing for Blogher in July is skipping Thursday and just hanging out in SF all day, together.
We get to spend so little time without kids. This post is fantastic.
Lance recently posted..Backstreet Girl
AMEN! I especially love the one about friends. It’s all too easy to let friendships fall by the wayside when you become a mom, but it’s worth taking the time to nurture those relationships.
Katie @ Pick Any Two recently posted..Paralysis by Analysis [When the Pros and Cons List Goes Awry]
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
I honestly believe that this is a generational thing, a reaction to how we felt when we were kids when we came home to empty houses after school because mom & dad were at work and at some point, we were going to always be there for our kids when we had them.
But at some point, the pendulum swung in the opposite direction and to the other “extreme”. It’s not healthy to center your life around your children. It’s okay to have a girls’ night. It’s okay to take a vacation with just your spouse (when I was a kid, it meant that we spent the week at my grandma’s house, which was a vacation for us!). Kids are resilient and smarter than some of us like to give them credit for. Neglecting your own mental health and taking care of yourself does not make you a martyr, nor does it make you a better mother. In fact, it has the opposite effect. You can’t be at your best when you are stressed out. There has to be balance in your life. It’s not being selfish on your part; in fact, you’re teaching your children an important lesson in how to be the best person you can be.
Some day, those kids are going to grow up and move out and start their own lives, and if your life is wrapped up in what they do, where does that leave you? I’ve also seen this happen with mothers who can’t “let go” of their adult children. It’s pretty sad. The adult child resents the parent, not for never spending time with them, but for being *too involved* and not allowing them enough space to try things, fall down, and learn how to pick themselves up again. We complain about the younger generation as being “coddled”, but who coddled them?
I’ve watched my nieces & nephews so their parents could have a night out alone. I’d happily do it for other people as well.
I went away for Mother’s Day. No, not just the day, the WHOLE WEEKEND. And it was glorious. I did make the mistake of texting my hubby once to see how things were going. I got a pic back of my kid crying. I didn’t call him again. I did pour another glass of wine though, and lifted it to him, saying, “you’ve got this.”
I couldn’t agree more! If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
Hear, hear! I absolutely agree. Sometimes it’s good to miss your kids a little.
Liz recently posted..Zoe vs. Potty Training, Part the Third: The Poopening
So smart, so validating, and 100% agree. Wonderful, wonderful post ladies. Thank you.
Meredith recently posted..The Logic of Midnight
My husband and I went out for our anniversary in January and my three year old is still bringing it up like we abandoned him to the wolves. The mere thought that we would go out without him broke his little heart. Mommy, however, thoroughly enjoyed it and hopes to do it again someday.
Eve (I Ate Your Damn) Apple recently posted..How To Be the Most Awkward Person In the Room
Thank you so much for posting this! So nice to know we are all in this together and rooting for each other. 😉 Some of us need a little push and need to be reminded it’s okay to leave our kids for a night out…..
Amanda Middleton recently posted..We Are THOSE Neighbors!