Tag Archives: Teen

Parenting Checklist for Prom

If you’ve walked through a mall recently, you can sense that something big is just around the corner. Do you see those dress racks in disarray? The shoe department in shambles? The make-up counter mobbed? Prom is a-coming. Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms As parents, we need to be ready for the big moment, but it’s more than charging the camera battery, clearing the SD card, and posting for posterity on Facebook. Prom is for the kids, but parents play a big part in what’s truly important in the three ring circus that surrounds this high school milestone. Be the sane and happy ringmaster you need to be with our handy parenting checklist.

1. Budget

Your goal: Get your kid to understand that this is not the pinnacle of his or her life no matter what Sixteen Candles may lead them to believe.

Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Boys pretty much just need to decide on the color of the tie and cumberbund and they are good to go.

To this end, set firm limits on what you think is reasonable and appropriate to pay for prom and all its many trappings. Also, ask your child to think in advance about who is paying for what. Just to get the old budget pencil moving in an accurate and realistic direction, make sure you factor in the cost of the following:

Dress or Tux
Shoes
Hair
Make-Up
Tickets
Flowers
Before prom activities
After prom activities
Transportation

Flowers are still a thing. Make sure you order them early in the week and decide who will pick them up. You want this smile at your house. You NEED this smile!

Once you decide what is reasonable, stick to it. No sweet puppy dog eyes to get a little more dough. College is on the horizon. Time to start thinking like a poor college kid.

2. Arrangements

Your goal: Nailing the jello that is a high schooler’s plans to the wall. Get your kiddo to come up with a plan about what is happening when and where–then try, try, TRY! to get them to stick to it. Scratch that: Your realistic goal is to just ride the wave. Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms This should come as no surprise to you if you are parenting a teen, but kids like to do things as a pack. This includes getting ready and taking pictures together before prom. What you may not know, if you have not gone through this before, is that these activities sometimes take place in more than one location so your pack becomes a migrating herd.

For your sanity, start asking questions about these pesky little details as soon as your child has Instagrammed that promposal, but sketch up that schedule/Venn diagram/flow chart in pencil with a big ol’ eraser at the ready. Moods, friendships, and dates can shift like the wind. Know full well that you may not have an actual plan on something as simple as where you’re going to take pictures until the day or even hour before.

3. Transportation

Your goal: To not spend the evening yoked to your cellphone tracking your child’s every movement or replaying every after school special you ever saw about prom night.

Thanks for driving, man! I really appreciate it!

Determine long before anyone is buckled in who will be driving, whose car they will be taking, or if they will be renting transportation for the night. Before you scoff at the idea of a limo, remember that while prom should not break the bank, it would be super nice for your own peace of mind to not have anyone driving.

4. Expectations

Your goal: Check yourself. Check your kid.

Not every kid thinks prom is the bomb and that’s ok.

Time to take the emotional temperature of your teen. Not every kid thinks this will be the most amazing night of their life, and even those who do may be sorely disappointed. Find out where your kid is on the scale from overly excited to completely not interested, but make sure your own “prom from hell” stories or regrets are firmly tucked away. The reality of prom today is very different from the made-for-TV versions or the one you had oh-so-many-moons ago. Kids today are more casual about whether or not they bring a date, and there aren’t the same social repercussions for skipping it all together. Don’t let your own history color the story happening in your house right now. The best we can do as parents is to adjust the expectations so they aren’t just realistic, but in line with our own child’s wishes.

5. Modesty

Your goal: To be honest about how you feel about hemlines, necklines, and any other lines.

Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

All families make these decisions for themselves, but whether you have a boy or a girl, a conversation about how to respectfully conduct themselves is part of parenting kids to be thoughtful, considerate dates or attendees. We love these Prom Commandments , so let your kids take a gander at these before the big night. This is also a great time to talk to your children about not increasing their risk for skin cancer. Tanning beds are never a good idea.

6. Family

Your goal: To make your child’s special memory a family one.
Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

This is a moment in your child’s life. Whether you have a sprawling brood or a travel-sized one, remember to include the siblings in the memory-making, if only to get precious photo gems like these. It’ll be fun to compare them when your youngest get to go to their own proms.

7. Post Prom

Your goal: Be one of the options.

Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Some schools have formal post-prom events, but they pale in comparison to the volume and allure of all the other post prom options. If you are so inclined, sing it far and wide that your humble abode is wide open as post-prom central. If you are not up for it, touch base with the angels who are taking that hit for the night. This is definitely an instance where checking in with the other parents is a must.

7. Drinking

Your goal: Be honest. Be thorough. Be heard.

Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Now is not the time to shy away from truthful conversations about alcohol. Lay it all out on the table about what you expect, what they might encounter, what the stakes are, and what the consequences could be. Thoroughly discuss legalities, dangers, and how alcohol can lower inhibitions. Seniors need to know that plans for the future like college acceptances and scholarships can all be dashed with a suspension or expulsion.

But you don’t stop there. Craft a strategy for the night with your kid so you can help them out if they get in over their heads. Be their scapegoat and their safe ride with few questions asked.

We have tips for how to get the conversation rolling, but if you take nothing else away, heed this: don’t wait until prom night to start this conversation. The earlier you start talking, the better for you all.

8. Sex

Your goal: Be honest. Be thorough. Be heard.

Prepping for prom? Here's a parenting checklist to help you keep your teen safe, happy, and ready for fun | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Pretty much everything in the drinking section above and then some. But once again, it’s not ideal to start hemming and hawing your way through the birds and the bees on the night of prom. Start this conversation early and if you need some tips to get started, we have them here.

So there you have it . . .

Prom may be just one moment in the life of a high schooler, but there’s a carload of emotional baggage tied into this one lil’ old night. Let this guide provide some reassurance that you have done all you can on your end to make the night safe, happy, and memorable for your teen.

Our parental checklist for #prom will ensure your teen has everything they need for a safe night!

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What It’s Like Waiting for Your Kid’s College Admission Letters

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Even though it’s March, my high school senior is still receiving mailings from colleges.

What It's Like Waiting for Your Kids College Admission Letters | What is it like waiting for your kid's college admission letters? It's a burrito of emotions, locked behind a glass case, just begging you to set it free. | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

To quote my youngest daughter, “Who was the marketing genius behind this?!”

But for her, the “where to apply” question has been answered, her die has been cast, that ship has sailed and whatever other cliché can cover NO MORE APPLICATIONS. However, “where will she go?” is the question on everyone’s lips from her grandparents to her dentist, and the one that has me perching expectantly on the edge of my seat.

As is often the way with Facebook, College Admissions: How to Survive While Your Kid Waits came through my feed at exactly the time I needed it. Full of commiseration and tongue-in-cheek chuckles, it got me to thinking about what this waiting period really is like. Before the calendar flipped to March, I just used that age-old coping strategy employed by horror film damsels and political candidates alike–I denied/ignored/squashed my apprehension. But as the trees start to bloom, so does my perturbation. Wait, back that up, I’m not really perturbed or filled with dread so much as the suspense is killing me. It’s a lot like waiting for Christmas morning.

Yes! It’s like Christmas morning: the wiggly ants in your pants anticipation, that giddy feeling that makes it hard to fall asleep, the wondering what you’re going to get and when you can show it to your friends. Except St. Nick ends the torture on the same day every year. There’s no “is this the day?!” Yeah, and no one gets their presents four months ahead of everyone else just for making a short list and turning it in early. (I’m looking at you early decision-ers.) Hey, but Santa does make parents foot the bill so this analogy still works on some levels.

Maybe it’s more like sitting by the phone waiting to get asked to prom. The whole “will he or won’t he?” layered over “will today be the day?” Calm down, I’m talking back in the era of landlines and bad perms because of course modern young women don’t have to wait to be asked. I’m just trying to channel the fluttery hope, the endless dissection of what might happen, but this probably isn’t right, either. One rejection letter could transform this “High School Musical” into the blood bath from “Carrie.” Also, I’ve tweaked my own feminism with this example, so let’s just agree there was more wrong with the 80s than just the sky-high bangs, and move on.

Maybe it’s more like winning The Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes! (Oh yes I just googled to see if it’s still a thing, and it is!) That Prize Patrol captures the manna from heaven, out of the blue, gift of it all excitement. I would totally not be against dumping the contents of the paper shredder over my girl to celebrate the moment. But you know what? This isn’t right either. Even though admissions are tough, my daughter has better odds of getting an acceptance than 1 in 200,000,000 because it’s not just up to chance. My girl has worked hard, tested well, and thoughtfully chosen schools. While there are so many wonky factors that go into admissions and fabulous candidates have to be in the rejection pile, too, this isn’t a game of roulette. Also, we’ll be the ones handing over the check so “womp, womp.”

You know what this is like exactly? A continuation of the wild ride that is motherhood: never knowing exactly what is around the corner and meeting that unknown with high hopes seasoned liberally with apprehension. I’m a mother who has loved her daughter with all of her heart since the moment I laid eyes on her. The loving was easy, but navigating motherhood? Not so much. I was so completely overwhelmed and floored by all it took to mother my daughter through childhood, and now here she teeters on the brink of adulthood waiting to see where she can take that next step and I am electric with excitement. All I can do is continue to love her, trust in God that she will end up where she belongs . . . and totally and completely keep ALL of my nervous trepidation to myself. Shhhhh!

-Ellen

What it’s REALLY like waiting for your kid’s college admission letters.

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What It's Like Waiting for Your Kids College Admission Letters | What is it like waiting for your kid's college admission letters? It's a burrito of emotions, locked behind a glass case, just begging you to set it free. | Parenting | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

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The One Question I Asked My Teen Daughter That Made a Difference

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When I graduated from college, my sister and I decided to travel through Europe together. In a pre 9/11 world, all our parents really said to us was “Great! Don’t forget your passports.” Now more than twenty years later and parenting teens, I think of that trip often not just as a fond memory but as a metaphor for where I am now. Back then, I was a newbie traveler wandering through European cities and exploring the countryside. Now, I am an experienced mom to three teens, but I recognize the excitement combined with the terror, the glorious independence with the frightening missteps, the pretty views with the underlying peril. The experience of parenting teens now is as traveling was then: beautiful, strange, and a little dangerous.

There is one moment in time from that trip that my mind wanders back to these days. After traveling all day, my sister and I had made it to a little village in the Alps. Hot and worn out, all we wanted was a quick dip in a cool lake. As luck would have it, there was a beautiful crystal clear one right beside the house we were staying in for the night. At dusk, we broke off from our group of fellow travelers for a quick swim. With nary a toe dip into the water, we didn’t think or plan, we just held hands and jumped right in with both feet. The paralyzing cold, our collective gasps, the instantaneous and terrifying realization from both of us, now so far removed from help, that this had been a bad idea still delivers an emotional punch all these years later.

Parenting teens feels just like this sometimes. At the start of this new year, I had been traveling a particular rocky road with my 16 year old daughter for a couple of months. Despite adhering to the 10 commandments for parenting teen girls, I found myself miscommunicating with her over little things like her schedule and her schoolwork. When bigger things came along, we were speaking completely different languages without the benefit of interpreters. We were relying heavily on white flags at this point. I had no idea what conversations would bring us around to each other again, no idea what questions to ask to move us forward from this place. Sure, there were still times when our relationship resembled the friendly, amicable one we had shared for many years once she outgrew her mini-maelstrom phase. Other times, I was in my own parental version of traveler’s hell with piss poor maps and missed connections everywhere.

Parenting teens can be hard, but keeping the lines of communication open are the most important thing. Here's the one question that mattered. | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

The step that finally put us back on the right path back was a familiar one. At the start of each year, I pick a word that I will use to frame the 365 days to come. An idea stolen from a friend of mine, it’s a habit that has helped keep my “oh look, a rock” tendencies in check. My word this year is “engaged.” At home, with friends, in work, in the world, with my kids, “engaged” encompasses the hard work I want my heart to do this year. So, as we were getting ready for dinner one night, I had a quiet moment with my daughter. We talked about what we hoped would come to pass this year: trips we would take, friends we would visit, things we hoped to see or do. I shared with her my word for the year and revealed the things I hoped this word might usher in.

“What would your word be?”

She took her time with her answer. I stirred the pot of spaghetti, put the garlic bread in the broiler, and pulled out the salad dressing. I was quiet; she was thoughtful. There was the faint click of the clock from our library. I was waiting; she was thinking. There was space for her to find this. I was going to let her.

“Yes. My word is yes.”

I stayed quiet and listened to her reasons unfold. She had been afraid of new things in the past. She didn’t want to disappoint us or herself, so she sometimes felt stuck. She wanted to have the kind of courage that created possibilities. She wanted to take the kind of chances that make you someone new. She wanted to be the very best version of herself. She wanted to say “yes” to all of it.

I nodded. I pulled the garlic bread out of the oven and put the salad bowls on the table. I recognized that feeling, that desire for the kind of energy that comes from jumping in with both feet. My girl wanted to throw herself into life; she wanted to gather momentum; she wanted to grow.

And then my heart felt that same exhilarating, terrifying punch that it did in that alpine lake so many years ago. My growing up thing had been hard enough, but helping someone else grow up is something else entirely. There are no guarantees, guideposts, or easy passages through this place called adolescence. But sometimes asking a simple question smoothes the road a little, lightens the traveling together, let’s us both see what lies before us a little more clearly. It certainly helped us. We have our old happier, easier rhythms back. This connection makes it easier to just hold hands and jump when the time comes.

So this is what 17 looks like around here: a lovely girl with her arms outstretched, ready to take on the world. She is gulping in life, and we are grateful for her passion and her purpose. We are also equal parts proud of who she is becoming and where she is going. But there is a little touch of scared too.

This parenting gig is, as it always was, beautiful, strange and a little dangerous.

-Erin

I wrote this for my daughter’s 17th birthday. day. Read what I wrote for her 15th and 16th birthdays if you want more.

The One Thing I Asked My Daughter That Made a Difference

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Parents: 10 Survival Tips for College Prep Stress

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Even the most even-keeled junior or senior can melt down from the pressure of trying to prepare for college. All of the work just gets piled onto the everyday tribulations of being a teenager they’re already suffering through. Trips to the guidance office leaves students with huge to-do lists and everything escalates simultaneously. Calculus exams are followed by SAT test dates, are followed by Homecoming, are following by service learning hours, are followed by everyone down to your local librarian demanding, “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?!”

Whether your child has been on-track with grades or is just now waking up to the importance of his or her permanent record, it can cause a kid to crack. Everything can seem to be going along fine when “boom!” tears and angry outbursts sink your evening. But here’s the thing, what your child is freaking out about often isn’t even the real problem, only the last straw. Classes and social life and expectations are all jumbled together. You not only have to be a counselor, but also a detective. It leaves you longing for the time when plastering an entire box of SpongeBob Band-Aids over their legs could make the invisible boo-boos all better.

So what’s a parent with a distraught child to do besides feel helpless? Well, here is the first thing NOT to do: Take Over. It may make you feel better to be in charge–checking grades, ordering college pamphlets, signing up for SAT prep–but it’ll only make your child feel inadequate. Part of the stress kids feel is from struggling to separate from their parents and you swooping in to the rescue will only make them feel like they’re not doing it well.

But this doesn’t mean you have to leave them flapping in the breeze, so we’re back to what you can DO.

Parents: 10 Survival Tips for College Prep Stress. Preparing for college can cause the most even-keeled high school student to crack. Here are 10 strategies you can implement to help your child today. | Parenting Advice | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Listen to them. I mean really get in there, keep your mouth shut, and LISTEN to them vent. This is not the time to offer solutions. At this stage, you’re not solving any problems with your “but if you just did this”, you’re fighting against their emotions. And remember, they may not even be ranting about what is really bothering them.

Agree with them. Nothing acknowledges being heard and takes the steam out of a tirade like “You’re right, that really is tough. I can see why you’re upset.” Showing your commiseration and understanding really is a shining star in your bag of parenting tricks. And more often than not, this is the magic key that leads you to what is really the matter.

Praise them. Instead of kicking off the afternoon nagging them about all of the things they need to do, praise them for all they have accomplished. “Wow, I’m really gratified you’ve been working through your ACT prep book,” or “You’re really kicking it in government,” goes a long way. We all like to be recognized.

Walk away. If your kid is so stressed he or she is indulging in a tantrum, walking away is your friend, especially if you’re being hit full force as the target of your child’s anger. “Hey, I’m going to give you some space because you’re not really being fair to me and this is not how we talk to each other in this house. How about I get you a snack and I’ll check in with you in a little bit?”

I’m not suggesting you have to absorb disrespect, I’m just saying you know when the situation is over the top and you don’t have to engage in every battle flung your way. Remember, you ARE the adult, they’re still trying to figure out how to grow into being one. You’ll also be teaching by example. Physics problem driving him or her up a gravity-defying wall? Encourage your kid to walk away, take a break, and tackle it again with fresh eyes. Cooling off is a respectable thing to do.

Give them a pep talk. You don’t have to keep your mouth shut forever. Once they have vented and you have listened, feel free to dispense some encouragement (not to be confused with a to-do list of “you need to get on with xyz”). A favorite in my house is “That which is for you will not pass you if you are putting in the work.”

Pay attention to the physical. Getting back to tantrums, keeping your child well-fed, hydrated, exercised, and rested is just as important now as it was when they were toddlers. In particular, teens need between eight to ten hours of sleep to function. Notice your kid is burning the candle at both ends and barely holding it together? It may be time to review their diet and bedtime, and to lend some organizational guidance.

Make a plan. This is not you taking over, but helping your student find a way to plan out the school year and college prep process for themselves. Sit down and help your child break down “oh my gosh, college applications!” into bite-size pieces like “Step 1: Talk to teachers about recommendations.”

Get organized. Making a plan also calls for some organization, but a system is only useful if it is used. It doesn’t matter if you love color-coded binders, if your child doesn’t use them, they are just that much more clutter. If your son is happy with one basket for SAT materials and one for college booklets, then take a deep breath and let him go for it. Dare I say, you may even want to consider one of those clear plastic drawer units. Remember, it won’t be around forever and simple is good.

Refocus them. Plan a college tour to remind then what all of the stress is for. It can be easy to forget that all of the boxes being checked, hours spent hitting the books, and tests being suffered through are for getting to that fantastic college life. Even if you’ve already visited some schools, going on a tour when your high schooler is really feeling down can help rejuvenate them to keep their eye on the prize. Just don’t schedule it during their exam week.

And finally . . .

Stop sweating the small stuff! You, not them. Are there clothes all over the bedroom floor and they never remember to bring home their water bottles? Let it go if they are keeping their grades up. Their lives are anything but routine right now and some things have to slide in order to keep on top of what is important. Besides, God willing, they will be their roomates’ problem soon enough.

Do you have any tips you would add?

Ellen

Got a high school student freaking out from all of the stress? Try these survival tips!

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The 12 Commandments for Surviving Your Daughter’s Teen Years

Ten Things I Want to Say to My Son Before He Graduates

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The Perfect Gift: Jord Watches

Happy Holidays,

Ellen and Erin

Watches Made From Wood

Need a gift that is sensible and sensational? Give the #gift of a #jordwatch! #woodwatch

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The Other Side of the Mountain: Adjusting to Parenting Your Kid in College

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Even if you are not a fan of Joni Mitchell, you have to concede that she was on to something when she sang about that big yellow taxi. My son is a freshman in college. You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone, sang Joni. You also don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s situated nicely on a college campus 300 miles away.

The Other Side of the Mountain: Adjusting to Parenting your Kid in College, a guide to help every mother and father. | Parenting Advice | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

There is no sugar coating the early weeks after the big college drop off. I may not have been a sobbing mess, but my emotions did splash. Just hearing my son’s name could make my eyes fill. Seeing a forgotten sweatshirt hanging by the front door could send my lower lip trembling. A fuse ready to be lit, I should have worn a sign that read “Handle with Care.” This emotional bomb was set to go off, even after perfectly reasonable conversation starters like “Hey, how’s he liking school?” Heaven help the poor woman at the checkout who looked at my items and asked me if I was making a care package. I rarely knew what would trigger me.

But almost harder than wading through my own feelings was watching all the rest of my people struggling with theirs. Just to fill you all in on a little secret from the frontlines: those big strong men you live with will buckle under the weight of this change too. Sure, your husband might talk a good game: “So proud!” “So excited!” “So happy!” You need to know that he is just so spectacularly out of touch with his emotions.

The Other Side of the Mountain: Adjusting to Parenting your Kid in College, a guide to help every mother and father. | Parenting Advice | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Dads are not immune. No, they most certainly are not.

Your guy might even mock you just a little bit for all of your sloppy, constantly emoting emotions, but he will get his too. When he hears your sweet boy deliver his first college radio broadcast, he might even tear up and and finally get in touch with that full range of emotions you are now experiencing daily. It’s all OK. This Olympic level of missing takes the parenting game to a new plane where even stoic rock solid dads crumble a little. Pick him up and hug him and forgive him for the mocking. This stuff hurts in a way that feels new and raw and visceral. You are all exposed nerves here.

And then there are the siblings. In my house, this means a sister only nineteen months his junior and three younger brothers, the youngest only a tender eight years old. They all handled the new dynamic in our house each in their own way, but collectively it looked like a lot of mopey kids laying around my house. The bodies that were usually in perpetual motion were flopped over whatever upholstered chair, couch, pillow, or clean corner of the floor they could find. Obviously, we are not a people prone to nuance; this was sulking on an epic scale. Academy award winners wish they had our flair for the dramatic.

What it looked like was nothing compared to what it sounded like though. For the first time since we busted the seams of our house with the full complement of this crew of five, it was cool, calm, and collected around here. The profound quiet shot straight to my heart and found its target. Holy crap, I thought, this is so much worse than I thought.

Now I’m not saying they are barn animals, but most of the time they sound like them.

To a mom of five, this was a bright red warning sign on the dashboard of our family. Their silence said loud and clear: all is not well below the hood. Nobody wanted to reanimate that sacred space their brother left behind nor had the words to fill it anyway. Their longing left them all mute and grasping, so we leaned all the way in and got all touchy-feely. Our family mantra became “feel all the feels, just don’t be a jerk” and we splashed those emotions around with impunity. Our sound levels slowly but surely crept back to the deafening roar that feels familiar, safe, and ours. We were discovering a new way to be home.

But the truth is that we were still kind of stuck, and I think my son was too. Things were going as well as they could go for him as he transitioned to a new town, new school, and new life. My sister, a college professor, warned us about midterm time, though. That’s when the bottom drops out, she said, that’s when they use up all their reserves. Sure enough, a couple days shy of that mark, we got a text from him saying that he wanted to come home. My Momma Spidey Senses were tingling: my boy was a little homesick and oh, my heart. We all really, really, REALLY wanted a little shot of togetherness, but we convinced him to wait until Fall Break the next week. Then we got busy. Favorite foods were prepared, rooms were cleaned, every person in earshot knew he was coming home.

And then he was here, he was HOME, and we got to be the “Us” we knew again. I didn’t even intervene when bickering broke out. Spirited conversation is the birdsong of my people. We were finding our way back to each other even in our fights over backseats and side yard soccer rules. There were many wonderful things that happened that weekend, not the least of which was that spontaneous mother-son hugs and hair ruffles happened on the regular. But, by far, the very best thing was that we finally put the devil to rest. The one that had been hanging around and giving us sloppy emotions. The one that had niggled in the deep corners of each of our minds. The one that asked the hard question: are we really us without him here?

The answer is yes and no. We are on the other side of this mountain now. Of course, our family life is different today than two months ago. There are different daily alliances, different personalities moving into the spotlight, different roles to be picked up and tried on. But that is all as it should be. Family is a safe place to change and grow, and we make room for that here.

But in some ways, this major change, this fundamental shift, this child leaving for college, hasn’t changed a thing. The mystery of love is its ability to adapt and change to fit the people who need it and want it and commit themselves to it fully. Our “Us-ness” is alive and well and excited to explore this next new place. Our hearts are full with the sight of our sweet boy doing the very thing we so hoped and dreamed to see him doing: finding his way without our map or guidance.

But not without our love. That will do what it’s always done: light dark corners and warm cold spaces.

And make rocking Christmas card photos!

And I even appreciate that devil who sat on my shoulder for as long as he did. I see very clearly all that I have, and it’s pretty great.

Joni Mitchell should write a song about that.

-Erin

Adjusting to parenting your #college kid? We just made it to the other side of this mountain.

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Managing Your Child’s Social Media is Easy As 1, 2, 3

Some Things We Like

1. Parents can set limits on access during school and for bedtime. It helps reinforce family decisions about screen time and game limits.

2. It is available for all Windows products, including Windows 8, Mac OS, Android, and is coming soon to iOS.

3. Crazy simple to set up, once you sign up and approve your email address, the system will carefully walk you through setting up Familoop Safeguard on your child’s PCs, laptops, tablets, and phones and start safeguarding right away. All devices, all social media platforms, all aspects of a child’s digital footprint in one place just for you.

4. We really like the style AND the substance of this app.

Familoop Safeguard is the only parental control software available that automatically connects to all the social networks kids are using without account login information. From the Activity feed, parents get a full summary of a child’s activity online. The sites he visited, the searches he did, even the comments he made online and the sites that were blocked are all right there for you. Parents can even save it and have a look later as all of these saved sites and events are collected in a folder. Nothing but smiles from this mom with all this information readily available and so easily accessed.

5. As a mom with five kids at all different stages, elementary through high school, I also really appreciated the customizable templates of protection rules. This means that I can set restrictions differently for my 8 year old than for my 16 year old which is not only appropriate, but a key to familial harmony.

6. Also, while most parental controls software don’t take into account that kids can talk to the same person on all their different social networks, Familoop Safeguard merges all conversations with the same person into one place and gives you that handy red alert for a person or event that needs attention.

7. Family Safeguard has a reasonable price point with an offer of 60% off if you register at Family Safeguard now.
Familoop Safeguard 10 day Trial – unlimited number of protected devices – Free
Familoop Safeguard Premium 3 – Protects 3 devices – $39.99/ year or $4.99/ month
Familoop Safeguard Premium 10 – Protects 10 devices – $69.99/ year or $9.99/ month

Overall, this app looks to be exactly the kind of app that you can use when managing your child’s social media. In fact, just add this one to the ever-growing chest of tools that will not only help your kid navigate but thrive in this new digital world.

Our goal after all is not to cut off our kids from all potential dangers, but to prepare and teach them how to take care of themselves. Our kids aren’t just future digital citizens: they are living, working, and playing in that space here and now. While all families will make their own decisions about how to handle social media and all the devices, these steps will help you think about the risks, design a plan for your family, and then follow through on it to keep your kids safe online.

Take back the driver’s seat in your child’s social media

while preparing your kids to be good digital citizens.

It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.

Happy surfing! Erin and Ellen

Managing your child’s social media is as easy as 1, 2, 3 @familoop #digcit

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This post was sponsored but our digital angst and opinions are all our own.

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Life Lesson: Toxic Questions Don’t Have to Be Answered

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Are you a teenager heading off to college? An adult switching careers? A woman who is starting a business? A man who is starting a family? A human being with a pulse?

Here is a simple truth with the power to set you free:

Not every question deserves an answer.

Unless you are under oath in a court of law or defending your doctoral thesis, a question asked–especially if it’s a toxic one–does not equal an answer required. As long as you maintain your composure and remain polite, you can take your time in answering or even choose not to answer it AT ALL.

Life Lesson for Us All: Toxic Questions Don't Have to Be Answered. Here's what to do when you're put on the spot.| Parenting Advice | Life Hacks | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

This truth has been nipping at our brains for a while because Erin has a son in college and we both have more kids in the chute ready to launch toward the ivory towers. It’s so nice when people like church members, acquaintances, and random neighbors take an interest in them. However, so often it turns into an interrogation. “How are you?” morphs into “Where do you want to go to college?” leads to “Do you really think you can get into that school?” which progresses to “What are your SATs?” and finally crescendos into “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?” (“with the rest of your life” implied).

“What are you going to do?” may not seem all that bad, but once that one gets through the door it’s often followed by: “But that major is too broad!” “Do you really think you can get a job in that field?” and the best one “You’ll never be able to pay back your student loans!”

It’s almost like the shiny promise emanating from these kids makes people want to squash it. And we’re not talking about reality checks from counselors or mentors, we’re talking about the clerk at the hardware store feeling free to give his two cents.

Our friends at Grown and Flown give a whole list of stressful questions to avoid with kids trying to grapple with their futures in College Admission and Toxic Questions. They give some helpful alternative conversations starters, too.

But you know what? It’s not just adult on teen ambushes, teens can be brutal to their own kind.

Erin: While it’s currently en vogue for a grand gesture to get your Homecoming date—fences decorated with the question, candies artfully arranged for the ask, declarations over the PA at football games (there were no less than three at the first home game we attended)—this is the toxic question writ large. The pressure to create something special enough to garner some likes on an Instagram feed and get the girl is real. However, the pressure to be clever pales in comparison to being ambushed in a public way about a personal choice.

When my girl got stuck in these headlights, she panicked. To avoid hurting her friend’s feelings in the face of his sweet grand gesture in the gym, the most public of teen forums, she said yes. But later, quietly, off to the side and away from the madding crowd, she politely declined his invitation. Unfortunately, a whole gym full of kids saw her say yes. The social fallout was swift and painful. In the cruel math of high school, she added up to being the bad guy. While nobody really won in this equation, had she deferred answering, at least it would have been between just the two of them.

But lest you think this is a primer just for teens, Ellen will never forget being attacked at a cocktail party about her career choices.

Ellen: I was at a party hosted by my best friend from medical school. It was a couple of years after quitting my OB/GYN residency and I was a stay-at-home mother to two young daughters. Although I did not know many of the neighbors at the party, they knew I had been a practicing doctor from the way my friend introduced me. I was standing in a conversational circle discussing boating when a woman fired at me “Don’t you think you are setting a bad example for your daughters by quitting your career? And how exactly are you going to pay for college?” Ahhhh. The silence from a dozen gaping mouths swiveling towards me was deafening. Those were some toxic questions if there ever were some. (And why does it always lead back to college??) Luckily, another neighbor stepped in and diffused the situation: “Carol, not every mother feels like she needs to buy her daughter’s love with a new Prada purse.” Boom. Thank goodness for my savior, but what if she hadn’t been there?

How Do You Answer When You’re Put on The Spot?

1. Remain polite. This is especially important for a teen talking to an adult, but for the most part, a cool head is always a good idea to maintain control of a situation.

2. Know you can take a minute. Teens are trained to answer questions swiftly and correctly, and it’s hard to overcome this impulse. Let’s be honest, most of us never outgrow that need to provide the “right” answer. But you can practice phrases to give yourself time to think. Things such as “Hmmm, good question,” or “I’m not sure we have time for that answer, ha, ha,” or “Can I talk to you in private?”

3. Remember you cannot script other people’s actions or comments, you can only control your own. Just because a question lights your fuse of anxiety, doesn’t mean you have to let it detonate. Take a breath and realize this person is just making human contact and your answer is not that critical to the fabric of civilization. Unless of course this person is vetting you for a cash donation to your college fund, then by all means, get worked up over your answer.

4. Totally diffuse the situation by agreeing. This won’t work if your core beliefs are being attacked, but it will work for the run-of-the-mill-middle-of-the-grocery-aisle “BUT HOW CAN YOU CHOOSE ARCHITECTURE? IT IS SO COMPETITIVE!!” An easy, breezy, “You’re right, it is,” is a real conversation stopper. You don’t have to argue and go on the defensive.

5. Answer a question with a question. Play offense instead. In Ellen’s cocktail party interrogation, she could have said, “Interesting question. How are you a good role model for your daughter and what is your financial plan for college?” Granted, a flipped reply this pointed might have too much of an edge for a child to use. In the case of a college bound senior being asked about her top college choices, she can give her answers and quickly follow up with “What made you choose the college you attended?” This plays to the age old wisdom that people love to talk about themselves.

So when you’re feeling in the spotlight, just remember that for the most part people are just trying to show interest or make conversation, and you are in complete control of your answers. If they want something from you, it is okay to say you need time to answer. And when all else fails, flip the spotlight on them.

-Ellen and Erin

Life Lesson: Toxic questions don’t have to be answered. What to do when you’re put on the spot.

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Life Lessons for Teens (and us all): Toxic Questions Don't Have to Be Answered. Here's what to do when you're put on the spot.| Parenting Advice | College | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

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The 12 Commandments for Surviving Your Daughter’s Teen Years

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Surviving the Teen Years Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

We’re huge fans of the teenage years. No really. We’re serious! It’s a very exciting time. Your babies are stretching and growing into their very own people. Granted, there are some rough patches that come with all of this stretching and yearning, but for the most part, teenage girls are not the door-slamming, smart-mouth-flapping, vitriol-oozing banshees depicted on TV.

At least not unless you fan the smoldering flames of their angst. Or poke the sleeping bear. Or mess with the bull. Or whatever is your favorite analogy for annoying your favorite teenager.

Between our two households, we have three teenage girls making our lives shiny and bright. So it is with much field experience we present you with . . .

The 12 Commandments for Surviving Your Daughter’s Teen Years

1. Thou shalt not light her fuse by starting in on her as soon as she walks in the door. This is a definite do unto others as you would have done unto you situation.

With this in mind . . .

2. Thou shalt not flip out when your eyeliner disappears. It goes with the scarf she already “borrowed.”

3. Thou shalt rage minimally when your boots come back caked in mud. Just have her clean them and feel honored she likes your fashion sense.

And for good measure . . .

4. Thou shalt keep her nourished and hydrated at all times to avoid meltdowns.

5. Thou shalt always carry emergency supplies; lip gloss, Band-Aids, tampons, emery board, etc. One day she will be prepared, but today is probably not that day.

Also in case of emergency . . .

6. Thou shalt always keep the freezer stocked with ice cream.

For your own sanity . . .

7. Thou shalt not talk badly about a friend or boyfriend who has wronged her because these relationships shift like the wind . . . only faster.

In fact,

8. Thou shalt–just to be safe– keep thine mouth shut and thine ears open when she is talking.

And just to clarify . . .

9. Thou shalt refrain from saying “Back in my day . . .”

If it slips out,

10. Thou shalt use her eye rolls as a power source for your patience.

Keep in mind . . .

11. Thou shalt always sloppily show your love even if she balks because . . .