Erin: Who’s ready for Christmas??
Ellen: Seriously? Aren’t your Christmas cards sitting on your dining room table mocking you? The ones you so efficiently ordered the day after Thanksgiving?
Erin: I blame it all on you since I handed you a card when you were at my house — you know, to lighten my load — and you had the audacity to lay it down and leave it. Now it’s all too much.
Ellen: Okay, my gift to you is my acceptance of your blame, but only because I feel sorry for you since you don’t have a really good excuse like an appendectomy to fall back on. I feel I’m entitled to milk that llama until 2013. Or at least until the Mayan calendar thingy ends.
Erin: Wait, I haven’t gotten a card from you either.
Ellen: That’s because mine are sitting on MY dining room table. But those are my small potatoes because I have been staring into the eyes of the Christmas Beast: SHIPPING DEADLINES! I thought squeaking in under the Shutterfly cutoff was going to be the end of me and today is the last day to order on most other sites. I always feel carefree about shopping when the internet is my safety net . . .
Erin: Until BAM! That safety net is ripped away because those deadlines creep up on you like a reindeer wearing Uggs.
Ellen: It’s now the point where no amount of money in the world can get the gift to you because you just can’t bend the time space continuum. And going into actual stores at this stage of the game just makes me shudder.
Erin: So in case you’re in the last minute shopping cart with us, we are going to help you out with what NOT to get us.
Ellen: Because where would the sport be if we told you EXACTLY what to get us? Gift giving is supposed to come from the heart, People.
Erin: So read between the lines of the second edition of Pintershit.
Ten Things Pintershit That Better Not Be Under Our Trees
Erin’s List
1. Godfather Gone Wrong
I love the classic movie “The Godfather”, but this pillowcase is taking fandom a bit too far and a little over the top when I am at my most vulnerable. Plus it would be hard to explain to the five year old.
Source: gadgetsandgear.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
2. Handbag From Hades
I like a great bag as much as the next girl. This bag looks like what you might pack for your next party down by the River Styx. I feel like I would need to pack some extra biscuits in it for Cerberus, but it hardly seems big enough for the reed pipe I’d need to lull him to sleep. Therefore, save this little beauty for another day or another girl. Preferably someone you don’t like.
Source: etsy.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
3. Sucker With a Side of Venomous Stinger
My 13 year old’s classmate brought these to class for a birthday treat. Look closely at the packaging. That’s right—there are scorpions imbedded in these bad boys. Supposedly, some of the kids LOVED them. I can’t get over that the brilliant minds behind these suckers added a venomous creature and then named them Hotlix. I just shuddered. I repeat, “DO NOT buy this for me.” Unless you want an Erin-sized hole in your front door.
Source: sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com via Sisterhood on Pinterest
4. Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should
This camera/glasses combo is cool in theory. That is all. You probably didn’t need me to tell you that, but it’s Christmas and I like to share.
Ellen: You know that those are for skiing, right? Not just tooling around Wal-Mart.
Erin: Oh . . .<long pause> That makes more sense now.
Ellen: Look, you can even see the reflection of the mountains in the goggles. Much more picturesque than the twin peaks of the chick in front of you in the check out line.
5. Sweater With a Side of Surgical Mask
There’s almost nothing I love more than turtlenecks and sweaters during the cold winter months, so I would normally welcome a gift like this. There is just something clinical about the weird way you are supposed to wear it over your face. It says, “I take my fashion with a side of Ebola virus which makes traveling to all the corners of the Mid-Atlantic region with my 6 family members even more awkward.”
Ellen’s List
6. Wonky Wookie
I like Stars Wars as much as the next person, but this is a little much. Dressing like Chewbacca would just make me feel like I forgot to wax. Don’t tell me it’s for Halloween because I already have a bevy of Hallo-Awkward-Ween choices lined up for next year.
But on second thought, if I wore this, could I get away with just wookie roaring at everyone? Hmmmm . . . or rather Arrrarroowwrrerr.
By the way, special thanks to infolinks for taking my query — “How to write Chewbacca sounds?” — as seriously as I take my writing. I got THE right information for THE right decision, yo. Integrity.
7. Christmas No
Don’t think that just because this sweater embraces more of a yuletide theme that it is appropriate. Just to be clear, this does not give me the warm and fuzzies. It gives me visions of Labradors peeing on my feet. You, know, because I would be a tree.
8. Heck No
Wellllllllllll, I think there is something obviously and freudian-ly amiss with a monstrous, murderous shark emerging from a crotch. But really, I don’t care to hate on Ariel that much or cause little wanna-be princesses angst, let alone inflict my daughters with that much mortification. Who, aside from a Victoria Secret model, can stand that much groin gawking during a simple day at the beach? Although . . . this would be hilarious on a Disney cruise, right? Mwahahahaha.
9. The Gift That Keeps On Drowning
Now that I have a complex about sharks eating mermaids, I would just consider this gift a blatant and aggressive threat on my well-being. Can you actually imagine swimming, I mean, not drowning in this??
But it does provide a nice set-up for the gift of laughter. What do you call a muffin top squeezed up by a mermaid tail? A tuna roll! I’m here all week, folks.
10. Just Take A Baseball Bat To My Knee
I have already done something horrible to my left knee that is MRI worthy. This would just seal the deal in a slow and tortuous way. But on the bright side, the spikes would make it hard for you to remove it when I shoved my foot up you arse for giving me such an awful gift.
However if you insist on giving me that shoe, you know, for my own fashion good, then you’d better gift it with this AT-AT walker. This is a Star Wars gift I can get behind. But now you’re confused, you say? I just dissed Chewbacca and now I’m embracing this? It’s really very simple. You just have to be discerning . . . and read my mind.
Here’s wishing that all of your shipping deadlines are soft, your cards get sent out before President’s Day, and no one dumps Pintershit under your tree!
xoxo
Ellen and Erin
I am crying at the mermaid tale one. Please do not ever let my 4 year-old see that. And the Ariel bathing suit is laugh out loud funny! 😉 Great list y’all!
thedoseofreality recently posted..Oh Great, Now You’ve Done It!
I should see how much they cost. It seems like they would be ridiculously expensive, right? Ellen
This is hilarious! The pillow case frightens me a bit, and I will now be laughing about mermaid tales every time my girls insist on watching The Little Mermaid! Great list!!
It Happens at Your House Too recently posted..Don’t Be a Bloghole; Holiday Edition
The pillowcase is frightening, but I kinda want to get it for my brother-in-law now. The only problem is that the best way to give it would be to sneak into his house at night and put it in his bed while he slept. But that would just be awkward . . . orrrrrrrrrr totally awesome. I can’t decide. Ellen
OMG!!! The Christmas tree sweater made me spit out my dinner. Guess I shouldn’t be eating and reading this. Hysterical! I am sharing on my page. Happy holidays!
Laurie Hurley recently posted..When Saying No Is Beneficial to Your Business
Well, that made my night! That Christmas tree shirt…and the mermaid thing! Hilarious! Well done, ladies…
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. recently posted..Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster
Wearing the Christmas sweater with the mermaid tail would be epic, right? Ellen
Imagine if you wore the Christmas tree sweater and carried that hideous handbag – I don’t think I can take that much shit. Hee!
Happy Holidays ladies!
Alison recently posted..The Ordinary
Maybe I could get on “What Not To Wear.” Ellen
I love that Christmas tree sweater!! Seriously, I would wear it to our next Christmas party! Look at me I’m a tree. I’m laughing already!! I want it!!
I might be making one for you because to see you in it would be FABULOUS! Ellen
“I like Stars Wars as much as the next person, but this is a little much”
I was about to call you out on this since that Chewbacca hoodie is awesome but you saved yourself with the At-At walker.
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..Best 80’s Christmas Movie
Maybe I should rethink my stance. The Chewbacca hoodie with the At-At walker might cause the time space continuum to bend and solve all of my deadline problems. Ellen
You can take your custom made tail to mermaid school with you. I think there is one in Florida. Saw it in the Today show. And the sweater. I may need that for the “damn ugly Christmas sweater party”.
Thanks for stopping by, Lena. You know I’m Googling that school right now. 🙂 Ellen
This post is the gift that keeps giving; I’ve sent to all my friends so that they too can have the pleasure of spitting out their coffee in joy and disbelief at the crap that people will do/wear. Dear god that sweater…I mean, don’t people know that for tinsel to be truly flattering, it has to be a VERTICAL stripe? Vertical, people, vertical. That quasi-horizontal just makes a gal look much broader in the beam than necessary.
deborah l quinn recently posted..Letter to Santa (twice)
Aw shucks, thanks Deborah. And thank you for spreading the word on how to wear tinsel. It is a wrong that must be righted. 🙂 Ellen
I love to hate everything on your list here! Well.. except for the glasses video camera. I really have been dreaming that up. I hate taking pictures. Hate taking videos, but fantasize about blinking my eyes and capturing a moment that I’d like to pull out when I’m feeling sad. So, those glasses do have that capacity, right?
Secondly, where do you guys FIND this stuff. What do you enter into a pinterest search (is that a thing?) to get here? Crotch monster bathing suits? idiotic tree shirt? what??? I really do want to know since when I go on pinterest, an hour passes and I have no idea what I’ve done. At least you guys got some awesome blog fodder out of it! Merry x-mas you two!!
Kim at Mama Mzungu recently posted..Actually, Guns DO Kill People
Sisterhood Secret. We’ll never tell. ; ) Erin
Oh crap! I better take those pink heels back for a refund. I did not know you saw my “gifts to buy Ellen” list.
SO funny!! All I kept thinking as I was scrolling down and reading and looking at these UN believable ‘gifts’ was “how did they ever EVER find this stuff???” So seriously, where did you find it all? I mean, you can’t just make this stuff up out of your heads, can you? “Oh I bet there is a pin for lollipops that have scorpions in them?” etc… if you are THAT creative, then I must bow down to you. 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..Dear Santa…
Well, my daughter gave me a heads up on the scorpion lollipops, but if you want to bow down to us or send us some tiaras, we won’t stop you. ; ) Erin
Okay, my daughter’s best friend got a mermaid tail for her birthday in August and took it to the lake. I seriously feared for her life and gave her a visual demonstration of what I expected it to look like when she tried it out (complete with choking and drowning). Thankfully, her parents did NOT drop her in the deep part and she got to try it out up on the shore in about a foot of water. And no, it didn’t work and yeah, she’s still alive.
Michelle recently posted..It’s the end of the world as we know it….and I feel fine.
How old was this girl?? I can’t believe we actually know someone to tell the tale, the mermaid tail. Just blown away that it didn’t work. It looked so soundly engineered. 🙂 Ellen
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