Tag Archives: Sisterhood

We Get Along Like Cats and Dogs

The world loves a dynamic duo—think Lucy and Ethel, Laverne and Shirley, Thelma and Louise—but we are a bit unique in the blogosphere being a writing duo and all. Our work divisions, our idea generation, our everything seems to flow organically from our actual friendship. In other words, there is not a concrete division of labor, but things seem to kind of naturally flow from our real-life conversations and adventures.

We say to people who ask “how we do it” that we could never blog with anyone else. Our advice would be to pick your best, most honest, generous friend and hope with all your might that she is also a great writer. It’s lightning in a bottle over here, although we do have a mission statement. The truth of the matter is that while we share many similar interests and always have a good time together, we are definitely coming at life and blogging from different perspectives.

Erin: But we did write that one piece where we described our writing process like it was a volleyball game. We may have been overdosing on the Olympics a little at the time, but overall, it felt pretty accurate.

Ellen: If, by accurate, you mean we were delusional when we compared ourselves to Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings, then I agree.

Erin: We weren’t claiming their abs, just their teamwork.

Ellen: But the truth is that we are probably a little more Garfield and Odie than May-Trainer and Jennings.

That’s why we can honestly say that . . .

Point #1: Stroking

Erin: Ellen is the quintessential cat. Independent, intelligent, and not easy to pin down, Ellen has integrity. You have to earn her trust and respect and there is no way she could be bribed for a treat or even, say, a tweet.

Last week Ellen got retweeted by P!nk. THE P!nk. As in that exclamation point is not a typo because we are talking about the freakin’ for real P!NK! which is a pretty big deal. She was excited for sure, but if it had been me, I would have thrown a ticker tape parade and bought some balloons.

O.M.GEEEEEEEE! This even impressed my 15 year old, not my 13 year old, but 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

Ellen: Oh, really. I do believe you greeted me by saying, “Hey, I saw your Twitter thing.” Meanwhile, yesterday, you got retweeted by two regular citizens and you called me up, “I’m so proud of myself!! I’ve gotten back in the Twitter game and I got two, TWO, of my quips retweeted! How cool is that!?” My tweet is still going round and round Twitterland thanks to P!nk’s 21 MILLION rabid followers and you want a bacon treat for being broadcast to 80 extra people.

Erin: Down, girl. I feel like I should throw you some catnip.

Ellen: On the other hand, you are, without a doubt, the dog. Loyal, friendly, and playful, you are every bit a girl’s best friend as long as I make sure to stick to a stroking schedule. I collect things to say like “Good Erin,” “That’s a great job,” and “Aren’t you the best little blogger in the world for not breaking the site when you added that plug-in?” to toss out twenty times a day.

Erin: When have I ever added a plug-in?

Ellen: All I am saying is that you like a good ham bone and to have your belly scratched.

Point #2: Enthusiasm

Ellen: One of your frequent mannerisms is begging like a dog when you get excited. You literally (yes, I AM using this word 100% accurately) say “Paws up!” when you get excited about something. I practically have to carry around Scooby snacks for you.

Photo not staged. AT. ALL.

Erin: That’s really okay, Team Cat. I’ve gotten used to the classic Ellen “I know it was awesome, I don’t need your congratulations.”

Ellen: I’m going to give you a slow blink on that one and a flick of my . . . tail and move on.

Point #3: We Gave Birth to Our Own Kind

Erin: You know how people say having a puppy is like having a baby? Well, in my case, the reverse is true too. My kids are constantly tugging on me, bumping up against me, and hanging off me—and that is just the teens. My litter may all technically be housebroken, but you cannot leave them unattended for too long or the whole place goes to the dogs if you get my not-too-subtle drift. As the proverbial Queen of this Puppy Pound, I feel like I am stockpiling balls and treats just to keep these puppies happy.

Ellen: And my girls are just like me. Basically, they come around for me to feed them, then they go about their business. They’re purrr-fect. The example that proves the rule: My 15 year old just made All County Orchestra. I had to specifically ask her if she had heard any results. Her reply?

“Yeah, I found out last week. I made it.” Then she sauntered away. Tail flick explicitly implied.

Ultimately, our particular brand of blog magic comes because we complement each other. We were never yin and yang or Oscar and Felix, but were, and still remain, a Tom and Jerry for the new millennium. Erin brings an energy and enthusiasm that is hard to deny or contain (it’s better to just ride that wave, honestly) while Ellen keeps it real and keeps us on track (you really do want her in your getaway car, the girl has mad skills).

And then there’s that other special ingredient that makes it extra fun AND extra special: the fact that we are great friends who love and care for our kids, our friends, our little ole blog, and each other.

Erin: Woof.

Ellen: Meow back at ya.

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Getting Schooled in Blog Evolution

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‘Tis the time of year for reflections and looking ahead because my, oh my, what a difference a year makes, especially in the world of blogging.

Just this November, we were a little down about the views a particular post was getting, so Erin checked back to see what November of 2012 looked like for us. Um, it looked like our blog got 4,ooo pageviews for the entire month. Kind of made us take a moment to appreciate the work we have put in to get our 60,000 pageviews this November. We always want more, but wanting more should not eclipse celebrating how far we’ve come.

Are you pursing your lips and furrowing your brow at the mere mention of pageviews? Feels a little bit like broadcasting your weight or Facebooking your favorite sexual position?

We’re not bragging because Google knows there are blogs that claim that volume of readership in a single day. We do this to show the kind of power that can come when women join together as a tribe and feel safe to share, not to show they are better than anyone else, but to LIFT EVERYONE UP. We all have something to give and something to learn no matter where we are in our blogging careers. We can celebrate each other.

And this is where we need a drum roll! We are so pleased to invite you to a meeting of our tribe: The First Annual Blog U Conference held June 6 -8, 2014 in Baltimore, MD. And what a tribe it is. Check out the faculty!

Seriously, did you check out the faculty?? And while we are rocking the university theme, this is no “lecture at you” conference. Some of the biggest, most successful women in blogging will be making themselves available for “office hours” with you. This conference is going to be intimate, it’s going to be exactly what you need, and it’s going to be a blast!

And it will sell out fast. Intimacy and access comes with a price: there are under 300 tickets for sale. And did we mention that ticket prices start at $199 and there are packages where the room and meals are included?? Well, see for yourself here.

So get on your mark and get set, because tickets go on sale January 1, 2014 at 9am.

Get Schooled With Us!

Like the Blog U Conference on Facebook and follow on Twitter to keep up to date!

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The Sisterhood Guide to Motherhood By the Book

1. War and Peace

The First Year

Now Erin has never actually read this book, but we heard that it concerns Russia. The title conjures what it feels like in the trenches of your first year with a new baby. It’s either bliss. . . or bombs raining down on you. Prepare to be delighted, completely decimated, and so deprived of sleep you could put on your husband’s underwear and think it’s your own or fall asleep mid-sentence. Not that either of these things has ever happened to either of us.

Unhappy Baby Collage

2. What Do People Do All Day?

The Second Year

Hope you like naming aloud everything you own, see, think, hear, feel, smell, flush down the toilet, etc. because that’s what baby likes. Oh, that’s not for me, you say, my kid’s just chillin’. Well, we say that clearly you have never been at the mercy of a newly mobile but vocabulary-limited tot. YET. They jonez for this stuff like miniature meth addicts cut off from their supplier. Buy every oversized, ridiculously detailed book you can find now to assuage the tiny beasts. Richard Scarry knows. He’s the toddler-whisperer.

3. Where the Wild Things Are

The Third and Fourth Year AKA The Terrible/Terrific Twos and Threes

These kids are adorable but nuts with a little extra nutty on top. Every time we think back to when our houses were ruled by these fickle tyrants, there is a little catch in our throats. We do miss our ladies who dressed as princesses or ladybugs every day and our lads bedecked in boots and capes. But it’s a dog-eat-dog world in the Land of Tod and we’ll give you three guesses who’s their favorite meal. Come to think of it, Lord of the Flies works for this stage too.

Wild Thing Collage with words

4. Interrupting Chicken

The Funny Fabulous Fact-Filled Four Year Old

Erin is 100% convinced that she did not have her attention issues until she had to parent a 4 year old—FIVE TIMES! No sentences are finished, no thoughts completed, no work is done. The four year old runs the place like a miniature Napoleon or Attila the Hun and the only consistent thing he or she is serving up is questions. Note: When the 4 year old inevitably asks you where babies come from or why you and Daddy like to wrestle, deflect, defer, and lie your pants off. You have plenty of time to pay for future counseling.

5. Brave New World

Kindergarten

This stage marks the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, so all that sniffling and carrying on you’re going to do is totally justified. Your baby belongs to the great big world now. And it’s a beautiful, terrible, amazing, nauseating, wondrous sight to see.

kindergarten w glasses and border

6. The Call of the Wild

Early Elementary School

Seriously, kids at this age are powered by sheer force of will and their wily, wily ways. If we could harness it, we would solve the world’s energy needs. Oh, yeah, and they are full throttle without the benefit of forethought or reason. Invest in Band-Aids and mecurochrome and wine.

jump off dock

7. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde

Late Elementary School

As a pre-cursor to the full-blown hormonal onslaught headed your way, Mother Nature gives you a little tapas of what’s to come. Honestly, a lot of the angst comes from having one foot in the Land of the Little Kid and the other in the Acreage of Adolescence, but that doesn’t mean that this stage isn’t sometimes going to keep you up at night or wrangling with each other during the day.

8. Something Wicked This Way Comes

Middle School

Too dramatic? Maybe, especially when we both actually enjoy our Middle Schoolers and Erin loves teaching this age group. But storms are a-comin’, so you need to be ready to ride them out when they come AND to enjoy the calm seas in between the blow-ups.

bikini umbrella

9. Catch-22

Early Teen

Your tongue might actually hurt from all the times you will hold it. Happy, successful parenting with teens is all about choosing your battles, so often times you may get caught in senseless, absurd situations. We’ll take those over the scary stuff that also sometimes comes with the teen years, but none of it is easy. And <sniff>, you do sense your time together is shortening.

10. Great Expectations

Late Teen

Your baby’s getting ready to spread his or her wings, so there is great talk about the future and plans and what happens next. It’s all exciting and scary and nothing at all like what you imagined when you started this journey, oh so many moons ago.

And you will wonder how you got here so fast.

And then you’ll remember. Oh, the sprinting.

jump

Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

-Erin and Ellen

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Fabulous Gifts For Teen Girls

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We’re not much for the Black Friday hoopla, but we can get down with Cyber Monday. How can you beat shopping in your pajamas or while you’re at work–on break of course <ahem>. So we’re making lists and checking them twice and hoping we can get some steals and deals for our teen girls. Even if these gifts don’t go on sale, there is a price range for everyone. All 16 gifts have been Daughters of the Sisterhood approved, so behold . . .

Our Sweet Sixteen Gift Guide

Conair 1875 Watt Full Size 4-in-1 Hair Dryer

This is the best dryer EVER. Seriously. Erin almost stole it from Ellen while they were on vacation together. Good thing Ellen’s daughter Coco (15) does not let it out of her sight. It dries thick hair fast–like Ellen’s thick main of hair in under 20 minutes–and the smoothing attachment is a miracle. No more hand numbing contortions with a brush AND a dryer. The results are so good, it minimizes your flat iron time if it doesn’t eliminate it altogether. Best part? It’s way under $25!

Sephora Makeup Academy Palette

This might not be a steal, but it will get you squeals of delight and isn’t that what gift giving is all about? Plus, if you need that special shadow for that one special outfit, it’ll be as close as a trip down the hall.

Divergent Series Complete Box Set

If your teen hasn’t discovered this series yet, get this set in your shopping cart right now! Set in a futuristic dystopia where society is divided into five factions that each represent a different virtue, teenagers have to decide if they want to stay in their faction or switch to another – for the rest of their lives. According to Ellen’s girls, this series is a real page turner. The movie for the first book came out in March of 2014. We are firm believers in reading the book before the movie. Firm. Believers. So hurry up and get into this series before the rest of the movies drop.

And if you like Divergent, The Maze Runner is another great option . . .

The Maze Runner (Book 1)
The Maze Runner DVD or Blu-ray
The Maze Runner Dylan O’Brien Poster

Fans of dystopian literature will love The Maze Runner. (Confession: Ellen enjoyed the series immensely, too.) Please, please, please start with the book before moving onto the DVD. While the movie is exciting and pretty great, the book is full of rich detail that could not be crammed into the film. But speaking of details, the main character played by Dylan O’Brien is pretty easy on the eyes. This poster is topping Ellen’s daughter’s wish lists since they were fans before The Maze Runner even came out because of his role on MTV’s Teen Wolf.

Universal 3 in 1 Camera Lens Kit for Smart phones (including iPhone, Samsung Galaxy, HTC, Motorola and More), Tablets, iPad, and Laptops
We know that is a lot of words for a link, but to simplify–IT IS PURE AWESOME. If your teen is lucky enough to have a smartphone, then you know it’s a prized possession. Be a hero by making it even better with lenses that zoom, take wide angles, and produce cool fish eye effects. And it’s under $20! Best part? You might even be able to surprise her because she doesn’t even know she wants it.

SodaStream Fountain Jet Home Soda Maker Starter Kit

We’re not sure if the SodaStream is practical, but it sure is fun and that’s what gift giving is all about in our families. And Ellen’s family can attest that it’s also tasty. Ellen is not a big soda drinker, but even she is a fan of the mywater flavor essence (althooooooough, the root beer is pretty good). One great convenience is that the SodaStream doesn’t need any batteries or electricity to operate. It’s powered solely by the compressed gas carbonator that comes in the starter kit. Pretty cool.

Would You Rather? Board Game – Classic Version
We are huge fans of board games here at The Sisterhood. We play them at family gatherings, on random cold Saturday nights, and even on New Year’s Eve. This game is a favorite of all ages on those occasions, but it made the teen gift list because it is also a big hit at slumber parties. Maybe if you pull out this game at the beginning of the evening, you can avoid your own sleepover disasters. We’re rooting for you!

Clue
When we have a little more time, and some quiet, Clue is always a favorite. The intrigue gets us every time.

And if you have A LOT of time . . .

Risk Game
Because who doesn’t want to rule the world?

Mini Donuts Cookbook
Sunbeam Mini Donut Maker

Ellen’s family has such a fun time with this gadget.You can make a huge batch in no time because the donuts bake so quickly. The cookbook is really worthwhile, too. Ellen’s daughter recommends the Red Velvet recipe on page 49 (and so do Ellen’s hips as a matter of fact). One other tip: wooden chopsticks are great for lifting the donuts out.

Innergie PocketCell – Portable Battery Pack and Charger with USB Magic Cable Trio
This is the gift of power for your teen and the gift of peace of mind for you. Never fear a dead phone again–works for a variety of phones with the same Magic Cable (it has different adapters that you can flip around). Ellen can attest the battery pack holds it charge for quite a while just waiting to rescue you.

Soft Chevron Sheer Infinity Scarf
Infinity scarves are hot and this one is sizzling with its chevron print. It comes in a multitude of colors so you can give them to all of the teens in your life without them complaining about being “matchies.”

Fuzzy Winter Socks – Set 3
Girls love fuzzy socks. The end.

Remington Pearl Digital Ceramic Tapered Curling Wand
If your girl has long hair, this is THE curling iron that gives those trendy soft spiral curls. And this one won’t break the bank. Don’t be frightened off by the lack of clip: think no weird crimps at the bottoms of your curls. THAT is so 1988. But don’t fear third degree burns either because this one comes with a protective glove to protect your girl’s fingers.

The North Face Women’s Half Dome Hoodie

Teen girls love The North Face like they are embarking on a daily trek to Mount Everest instead of just traipsing into Chemistry class. This hoodie is one of the more economical ways to gift it. When you click and your size selection you will see that most of them are Prime eligible.

Sterling Silver Rhodium Plated Anchor Bracelet
Anchors are “in,” but this bracelet is sweet enough to survive the trend. It’s not too pricey either, so cry, “Anchors away!” and add it to your cart, Matey! (Please tell us you read that last part in a pirate voice. Please.)

One Direction 2015 Calendar
One Direction Duct Tape
One Direction is still going strong and since you can’t invite the lads over for dinner at least they can be with you all year long with this calendar. And in case you didn’t know, duct tape is B-I-G, so One Direction duct tape? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay and one more for good measure . . .

Crochet Lace Trim & Buttons Knit Boot Socks Black
Cold weather is all about the boots and adorable socks peeking up above them is the trendy way to go. Their feet will be extra warm in these. Now if we could only convince them wearing coats was a “thing.”

And just one more . . .

Fitbit Flex Wireless Activity + Sleep Wristband
Got an athlete who also likes tech? This helpful little tool tracks steps, distance, calories burned and active minutes. It also monitors quantity and quality of sleep and might just convince your teen it is time to get off of Netflix and get some more shut-eye.

Well, that last one was a little pricey and this one is super cool, so one more . . .

Fujifilm Instax Mini 8 Instant Film Camera
Shake it like a Polaroid picture! We know, this camera is by Fuji, but it gets better reviews than the instant photo camera by Polaroid, and that is what is important, all super fun retro hip hop songs aside. Your girl will love the novelty of seeing a photo print out instantly and you will love the nostalgia. The credit card sized prints are vintage-y and kitschy enough to appeal to anyone’s inner hipster.

Watches Made From Wood

Need some gift suggestions for the teen boys in your life? We have those right here!

Need even more ideas? Check out this great super-size guide!

Holiday gift guide for teens and tweens | Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Hope these lists give you some help, but we aren’t done. If you’re not an Amazon kind of person, Ellen has one more suggestion. How about adopting a kitten? One size fits all. (How fast are you scrolling back to the top now?)

There is more to teens than shopping. Read our other parenting articles about teens here.

-Ellen and Erin

This post contains affiliate links. Except for the kitten. That is Pebbles and Ellen is keeping her. We’re sure you can find your own kitten.

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5 Books We are Thankful For

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We acknowledge that we are two very lucky girls. While we may occasionally want for smoother skin, deeper pockets, and a great blowout once in awhile, we know we are both carrying around golden tickets every single day. One thing we are especially grateful for is our book club. Think of them as the First Generation Sisterhood, though we have never felt motivated to upgrade or move on to newer, shinier models. We did decide to take this online, but that’s another story altogether.

We are also thankful for books and, for the most part, we’re not that picky. We like ’em all—the good, the cheesy, and especially the guilty pleasures. But some are just stinkers. Ellen was just cleaning out her bookcase and the poor celebrated Swamplandia which our group almost unanimously despised was shown no mercy. For the most part though, books have shown themselves time and time again to be the lovely grace note on top of an already pretty sweet life. We are ever so grateful for all they, and of course the lovely ladies who like to talk about them with us, have brought to our life.

Here’s a list of 5 we are grateful for right now.

1. Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline

In a nutshell, this is a tale of two girls who have both been left alone in the world by fate. Their stories are the backbone of the book: one taking place in the here and now, the other in flashback. While this book more solidly belongs to Vivian and her experience on the orphan train, Molly’s modern day tale of abandonment anchors this historical novel and lets us not forget that we still struggle with how to handle the children left behind.

Why we like it: Spunky characters, gripping plotlines, and the real-life history lesson woven throughout make this book a compelling, easy read.

2. Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld

Right off the bat, Erin has to disclose that she is a huge Sittenfeld fan. Prep, American Wife, Man of my Dreams—liked ’em all, but this is an author that you love or hate, so read this recommendation with that in mind. In this novel, Kate (AKA Daisy) and her twin sister Violet have the gift of sight, ESP. It’s a gift that Violet celebrates and Daisy (now known as Kate) hides under a bushel basket. The story centers around Violet’s premonition that an earthquake is coming that is going to devastate the region and the fallout of her announcement for both the media and their relationship.

Why we like it: Sittenfeld peppers all of her novels with pop culture references, and this book is no exception. It makes reading a little like finding gems in the sand: a delightful surprise in an already pleasurable experience. Also, CS nails the complexities of the family bond. Her characterization has always been a strong suit, and she reveals in the Violet/Daisy bond why family can not only be great but also grating as well.

3. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs

We really like adolescent lit, especially when it’s this smart, well-written, and, well, peculiar. If Tim Burton was a Grimm brother, this might be his baby. After his grandfather’s death, Jacob is left only with grief and some old photos. As he takes off on a trip to his grandfather’s birthplace, he has no idea what he has stumbled upon or where it might take him. The rest is heart-thumping, jaw-dropping fun.

Why we like it: Yep, this one is dark, imaginative, and strange which would win our love all by itself. But it also has some hairpin turns and plot twists that will leave you breathless.

4. Paris Trout by Pete Dexter

Based on a real murder trial out of Georgia, this book could have easily turned into a schmaltzy whodunit or TV trial special. But Paris Trout the man was such a powerful force of bigotry, his crime so heinous, and his inability to admit his guilt so complete, this story is lucky to have found such a powerful literary hand to guide it.

Why we like it: Pete Dexter uses his powerful gifts with language to place us in that time and place. In the end, we might not ever understand the man Paris Trout, but we know him in a real way and we are forced to deal with him and the destruction he has wrought. Dexter never lets us forget that this really happened and what that means for all of us.

5. The False Friend by Myla Goldberg

Following up a great read like Bee Season, Goldberg could be expected to falter and, to be fair, not everyone liked this book. But here’s why you should read it: it’s an engrossing read, Goldberg is a beautiful writer, and this is a novel that doesn’t take the easy way out. As the story goes, years ago, a terrible thing happened in the woods: one girl didn’t make it out. The different versions of what did or didn’t happen drive the plot and you are left to wrestle with the fallout. The failings of memory, the casual cruelty of children, and the inevitability of time figure as prominently as the girls at the center of the story.

Why we like it: Goldberg’s talent for language and characterization will move you. You’ll want to spend time in some of her metaphors. Everything in this novel might not be tied up with a pretty bow, but it is ultimately a gift to any reader.

Happy Reading and Thanksgiving!

-Erin and Ellen

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Helicopter Parents: How to Know if You Are Swooping

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So it’s been a busy week in our lives. We both had kids finishing up high school fall sports and the first academic terms were ending (or getting close to the end). In both households, this proved fertile ground for learning lessons. There may have been an epiphany at Erin’s house that, wow, that zero really DOES bring your grade down. And at Ellen’s house, there may have been a moment to display some grace. But the biggest lessons learned this week weren’t for our kids but for a fellow mom we know.

After a week of torturous tween drama, Big Momma hand-wringing, and tears all around a sticky situation, this mom came clean, “I think I may be a helicopter parent.”

Erin- To which we say, knowing is half the battle (all credit to GI Joe).

Ellen- And get in line, Sister, you’ve got company.

Erin- No one wants to think they are THAT parent, but hovering is not just limited to hiding in the bushes outside of your darling’s classroom.

Ellen – So assuming that most parents don’t even realize they are swooping, let’s shine a spotlight on . . .

The Stealth Helicopter Parent

FLIGHT PATTERN 1

The Perception:

I don’t hover. My middle schooler is allowed to pick out her own clothes and even choose what goes into her lunch.

The Reality:

You are allowing your child to make choices, but are you letting your child make decisions to solve problems?

The Example:

Ellen – I chaperoned for my daughter’s sixth grade overnight environmental camp. My group of girls was lucky enough to have a fabulous educator who not only taught the girls about the Chesapeake Bay, but showed them they had the power to figure things out. On their own.

Right after introductions, she asked the girls to count off. There were about eighteen of them, and they all just shouted out random numbers in unison.

The other chaperones around me twitched and started to jump in. But the educator was prepared for this, because she just held up her hands and firmly declared, “They can do this.”

Before succeeding, they made two more failed attempts, prompting a mother next to me to mutter, “This is ridiculous.”

I replied, “How so?”

“I just don’t have the patience for this. Just count them off and get on with the lesson,” she replied,clearly agitated.

I replied, “This IS the lesson.”

The Problem:

When kids don’t work through tasks and proceed through their failed attempts, they never learn to make simple decisions without checking in.

“Miss Ellen, where should I put my clothes while I take a shower?” Really??

FLIGHT PATTERN 2

The Perception:

I don’t do everything for my kids. My 12 year old has a chore chart. He must check off every box or he doesn’t get his allowance. He earns his gold stars.

The Reality:

Chore charts are wonderful for BUILDING competence, but at some point a child should know what his responsibilities are and be able to follow through when there is no box to be checked and no adult to please.

The Example:

Erin — When I was the chair of a school fundraising dinner, I had not one, but two, different adults come over to commend me on my fabulous hard-working middle-schooler. What earned him his 5 star review? He refilled the napkins and the silverware BY HIMSELF. WITHOUT being asked or directed by an adult. Many of the other kids just stopped setting places when the napkin and silverware bins were empty.

The Problem:

How far we have fallen that the concept of an 12 year old displaying simple competence warrants such high praise? We need to expect more and stop accepting less. At some point, kids should not be working for gold stars but for the pleasure of a job well-done. Kids should be empowered to analyze what needs to be done, and then DO IT.

FLIGHT PATTERN 3

The Perception:

Well, it’s not like I’m writing my fourth grader’s essays for him.

The Reality:

But how much of a crutch are you for him in his schoolwork? Really?

The Example:

Erin – I let my 4th grader fail a science test, because he didn’t bring home his book to study. The big problem was that he didn’t care that he forgot it. When I voiced my concerns, he blew me off with a simple “I’ll be fine, Mom.” Did I drive him back to school to retrieve the book? Did we call a friend to ask for notes? Did we troll the internet for study guides? Nope, and while it was hard to watch his heart break when he showed us the big red “F” on his test, he was rocked by the experience. He has taken the reins and been charting his own course for success ever since.

The Problem:

Caring takes effort. Letting a child experience how crappy failure feels SHOWS them that the effort to succeed is worth it. Elementary school is also a great place to not just learn school lessons, but life lessons as well. The stakes are low here, so failure is a perfectly acceptable option AS LONG AS you LEARN from it.

FLIGHT PATTERN 4

The Defense:

When we have a test, I have to make sure my middle schooler studies. There is nothing wrong with that.

The Reality:

“WE” have a test? Give your child the tools to succeed, but then turn them loose to use them at their discretion.

The Example:

Ellen – Two years ago, my eighth grader decided that despite all she had been taught and shown, she was going to study for her Geometry test by flipping through proofs on the computer instead of working out problems.

I said, “This is not how you have been taught to study. This is not going to work, but I am now going to walk away and let you make your own decision.”

I painfully tore myself away. And she received a D . . . plus. But from that point forward, she started to be a true believer in proper study habits. I now have a high schooler who is succeeding under her own steam with the permanent transcript recording away.

The Problem:

Taking responsibility for your child’s wins and losses takes away two things: 1) The opportunity to learn when she fails and 2) The opportunity to celebrate when she wins. Think of yourself as the water boy instead of the quarterback. Give the field back to your kid.

Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” If you’re not going to let them find even ONE way to fail, then your kids are never going to get their light bulb moments.

Erin– So here is OUR big “Ah-Ha moment”. . .

Ellen – When we accept that we are prepping human beings for life on their own and not crafting reflections of ourselves, it makes it a whole lot easier to get out of that pilot seat we may not have even known we were in.

Erin– Self-realization is a beautiful thing and kudos to our friend for being honest and open about herself. For so many of us moms of tweens and teens, it’s time to move on over and out. It’s time to get our fannies over to air traffic control.

Our job isn’t over, but our child’s needs have shifted. They need us to provide safe skies where they can fly on their own, but they have GOT this.

Ellen – So let’s ALL hand over those controls. The best parents work themselves out of a job.

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Sure That Baby Gift Is Cute, But Can You Bleach It?

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Oh, baby showers, it’s really nothing personal, you just offer up such good material.

Erin: First, we need to reiterate that we love babies, mothers-to-be, our families, our friends, and all uterus and non-uterus-bearing women.

Ellen: I think storks will be outraged because you forgot them in that disclaimer.

Erin: Whatever. Let the Audubon Society get in line because we are back to skewering baby showers.

Ellen: I really did enjoy our cathartic rant over baby shower games. I hate those games . . . except for the ones we made up.

Erin: “How Dilated is She?” has a touch of evil genius to it although you’re the only party guest I know who could win it.

Ellen: What’s the point of creating a game if you can’t win it? But just to be clear, we were joking. We know people freeze plastic babies in ice cubes, but it’s going way too far to pull out exam gloves at a shower.

Erin: Good advice, but I have bigger fish to fry than games. I say it is high time to give some traditional baby gifts the boot, too. I can no longer sit idly by–eating my quiche and sipping my punch served from a bowl with rubber duckies in it–and let the notion continue that these gifts are good ideas. I will be silent no more!

Ellen: Like you have ever been silent. Is this what you had in mind?

Favorite lovey or topic of future counseling?

Erin: Holy Cheez-Its, Woman! No! Burn it! WHY would you suggest that? I was thinking on a more subtle level.

Ellen: Maybe Dexter’s mom didn’t have enough sense to reject that gift, but you’re right, a gift doesn’t have to be terrifying to be bad. You know the gifts, the ones that seem all great, but once you’re in the thick of newborn parenting you realize they’re totally useless AND they’re a waste of a huge chunk of change?

Erin: Yes, those gifts take up nursery real estate and waste cash that could have padded the babysitting fund . . .

Ellen: Or the earplugs and caffeine fund. So you were thinking more along these lines?

Why is the myth of infant bedding still believed?

Erin: Yes! Exactly! The only thing these lovely bedding packages have of any worth is the crib sheet and that gets bleached to white no matter what color it started out in life. The rest ends up balled up in a closet because it’s too nice to be used as barf rags. What a waste!

Ellen: Well wasting closet space is the only place for it because, don’t forget, it is also a suffocation hazard.

Erin: This set should also come with a helmet because the canopy would make an awesome escape route when your baby suddenly learns to climb during nap time–the nap time where you finally get the nerve to take a shower AND shave your legs.

Ellen: You know what the true travesty is? It’s usually the grandmas who are buying this shizzle. They should totally know better.

Erin: To be fair, it DOES look pretty in the catalog. Which brings me to another cute gift that should never be purchased. . .

Ellen: Wait a minute. I know we have been down on baby showers, but why are you hatin’ on cute? Remember I made this for my sister-in-law’s shower.

Erin: Your diaper cake is adorable, but it is also practical. Those are DIAPERS. Babies need a crapload of those.

Ellen: You’re so punny. But the practicality goes even deeper than you know. Those diapers are wrapped around a bottle of red vino. A little gift for momma for when the breastfeeding is over.

Erin: See! Everything about that gift is absolutely useful. I’m talking about this kind of cute.

Really? Do you really think it was a good use of those 2 hours to stuff me in this sweater?

Really? It took my mom 2 hours to wrangle my melon through this neck hole. See my face? I’m a baby and even I know this sweater is redonkulous.

Erin: A $200 cashmere, yes cashmere, sweater for a baby screams “My parents are clueless. Please save me.”

Ellen: It should also shout “Disposable!” because when the inevitable spit-up. . .

Erin: and explosive poop. . .

Ellen: happen, even a hazmat team is never getting it cleaned. Never! Who has the time or the cash for that?

Erin: Exactly! That money would better be spent on a fleet of indestructible, bleachable, versatile onesies.

Ellen: Ones you can chuck without feeling like a mortgage payment was lit on fire.

Ellen: Alright, I have another gift. It wastes money and it’s not even cute: The Wipe Warmer.

Want to upcycle yours? Toulouse and Tonic has some hilarious ideas.

Erin: This present hits all the right buttons with the over-eager, ready-t0-dominate-the-game-of-motherhood-types. No lukewarm or chilly wipes will touch the fanny of their precious offspring. This gift sends a message that every detail of parenting is important. The fact of the matter is that you will be changing that baby on the sofa or the rug or your grandma’s antique tea cart, putting you miles away from that lovely plugged in wipe warmer. Good thing too because all that sucker does is dries them out.

Ellen: You know what, Pollyanna? I’m going to take your crown of sunshine and positivity and throw out a shower gift that is always right: books.

Erin: Perfect! There are always so many hours in the night that need to be filled while you’re feeding . . . and feeding again. And you can only watch so much crappy TV in between the feedings before you start to go a little crazy.

Ellen: Don’t forget the sleepless nights when you’re pregnant too.

Erin: Especially towards the end.

Ellen: I had never experienced insomnia in my life until my third trimester. Between sleeping with what felt liked a honey badger burrowing under my ribs, the heartburn eating through my chest, and the constant peeing, I felt like I slept 15 minutes at most. I wish I had these books to pass the time.

At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles

by Paige Kellerman

We’re not completely suggesting you toss out your “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” but you have to realize it lacks one important thing: HUMOR. “Cankles” gives pregnant women and all moms really, the satire they need. Let’s face it, being pregnant is ridiculous. From the morning sickness, to the epic peeing, to always being the designated driver, Paige lampoons them all in the most hilarious way possible. We are partial to her roast of the sexy Halloween costume.

THIS should be your next baby shower gift because the back of the book sums it up nicely: “This book is a must-read for any mother, or anyone who has a mother to whom they probably need to apologize.”

You can purchase it here:
At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle

Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Mothers Tell Themselves

by Robin O’Bryant

This New York Times Bestseller is the perfect blend of charm, humor, and nod-your-head-along truth. In our society where mothers are constantly encouraged to strive for perfection, Robin makes it clear that ‘Imperfectly Good’ is a high compliment. She will make you laugh until you cry when she talks about her family’s improbable visit from the FBI,her Big Berthas,and her faux cuss words. Her awkward naked moments are worth the price of admission into her world. This book is a nugget of comedy gold with a sweet center of tenderness.

You can purchase it here:

Ketchup Is A Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves

Erin: You may not be able to bleach these either, but they make a fantastic gift. . .

Ellen: For the new Momma and all the Mommas throwing back the punch and cupcakes.

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The Sensible Sisterhood Rent-A-Sister Wife

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Ladies! Do you feel overwhelmed by all you are expected to do in a single day . . . by 9 am? Does the word “multi-task” make your left eye twitch with the delicacy of a jackhammer? Do you rush around to complete your chores before you enjoy that first sip of coffee, only to discover that it is stone cold because, well, it’s 2:30 pm and you poured it 7 hours ago? But you don’t have time for that coffee anyway because you need to get your pajammied fanny into the car to pick up the little darlings from school and, Holy Cheezits ,Woman! You’re still in your pajamas!

Is your heart palpitating? We know. We live la vita loco too. But no mas! Not only are we going to stop quoting Taco Bell slogans, we are presenting you with our inspired-genius-solid-gold-grand-slam honey of a plan that will make your life richer, happier, and five pounds lighter.

The Sensible Sisterhood Rent-A-Sister Wife

Alright, just hear us out. We’re not talking about polygamy, we’re talking about help for YOU, so you can just stop braiding your hair (but you may to keep combing it, just sayin’). We’re talking real help, like if you cloned yourself. Or the kind of help your capable, trust-worthy, mad-skills-wielding girlfriends could give you if they didn’t already have their own 27 hour per day gigs going on.

So why not just hire a cleaning service, you ask? Well, we’re assuming you would if you could afford it. But even if you can, you know what a cleaning service lacks? Love. Sure a cleaning service will mop your floors, dust your chotchkies, change your sheets, scrub the not-so-mystery stains from your toilet, vacuum . . . wait, what was the problem with cleaning services? Oh yeah, they don’t CARE about you. Will a cleaning lady find the source of that evil smell in your SUV or touch-up your roots? Maybe once, but don’t kid yourself, she’s never coming back.

So assuming you do want to pinch your pennies and you haven’t figured out how to duplicate yourself (although that’s a million dollar idea, so keep trying), we’re offering different categories of Rent-A-Sister-Wife. Just pick the Sister Wife who will tackle those tasks you hate with the power of a thousand blazing suns. It’ll lighten your load or at least stop you from grinding that ax.

1. The Sunshine-y Sun’s Up Sister Wife

Has the morning routine morphed into drudgery? Let this Sister Wife get the kids out of bed, comb the squirrelly knots out of their hair, find that missing homework, match up those shoes, toast those waffles, pack those lunches, empty that dishwasher, and brew your coffee — all the while with a smile lighting up her face and rainbows shooting out of her arse. She’ll radiate calm and good will down upon your family as only someone who is not related to you all can.

YOU get to glide down the steps an hour later with your hair brushed and mascara applied in time to receive your steaming mug of happiness and to lovingly kiss your spawn good-bye. Now that is a good morning.

2. The Seek and She Shall Find Sister Wife

This Sister Wife is like a magician. Her internal GPS tracks down and pinpoints things so well, you’ll want to stick her in your pocket on your next trip to the big city. Her talent is your fortune and with her help, you’ll be amassing extra minutes like the Midas of Minivans.

Just think of the extra time would you have in your day if you didn’t have to search for everyone’s missing shizz. Husband can’t find his keys? Sister Wife is checking khaki pockets like a bloodhound. Preschooler can’t find THE Squinkies that will shut his yapper? Sister Wife is already picking through the trash. Teen can’t find his sports physical form? Sister Wife is dialing the pediatrician’s office to get a new one. You seem to have misplaced your sanity? This Sister Wife suggests you check out the next category.

3. The Customer Service Sister Wife

This Sister Wife cheerily dons her badge and polo just to make your life easier. How much sunnier would your outlook be if you could just DO your tasks without having to HEAR any complaints? This Sister Wife is ready to hear them all from meal reviews to allowance disputes to sibling arbitration. Part diplomat and sometimes peacekeeper, she mediates, appeases, and pacifies with the best of them. Back off, United Nations, she’s ours.

In the meantime, you will be happily working your way through the day’s agenda with nary a whine. You’ll still be cooking dinner, but it’ll be in peace.

4. Hazmat Sister Wife

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: body fluids happen. But they won’t ruin your day or your carpet with this Sister Wife around. She is a wizard with a bucket, a connoisseur of industrial strength cleaners, and a maestro of the washing machine. This Sister Wife has never met a body fluid that has bested her yet, so she’s your girl when the shizz—and the puke—and any other splashy thing emanating from your kid hits the fan.

Being liberated from diaper, pee, and puke duty will free you up for . . . you know what? Doesn’t matter what you do. Anything is better than the splish-splashing your Sister Wife is saving you from.

5. The Laundress Sister Wife

Imagine a world where the laundry goes from bathroom floor to washing machine to dryer to neatly stacked in a drawer in the span of a single day. Take a moment to breathe deeply and really visualize that Nirvana. This Sister Wife transforms that fantasy into a beautiful reality. She will even match up your legion of errant socks with her make-all-of-your-dreams-come-true ways. Bippity boppity boo, clean underwear for you.

And speaking of fantasies. . .

Psst. Come over here. If what you really want is a little more time for reading (or Candy Crush, no judgements), we have one more Sister Wife special left to offer: The Fifty Shades of Grey Sister Wife. She’ll take care of <ahem> business, leaving your evening wide open.

Hurry supplies are limited! Put in your order today!

Who couldn’t use a little help from a sister wife?

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-Ellen and Erin

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Check out our books, please, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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Pitchforks and Spin-the-Bottle

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Erin: Nothing like starting Monday off with a little drama in the parking lot.

Ellen: Somebody not too happy about starting off a new week, eh?

Erin: It all started out innocently enough. We were just talking about our weekends and one of the moms brought up the birthday party all of our middle schoolers attended. Well, the kids played spin-the-bottle.

Ellen: And?

Erin: Well, I kind of laughed it off too at first, but the other Moms were not happy. In fact, they are still steaming, stomping, barnstorming mad. You could have passed out from the stench of righteous indignation hanging over their heads, and then they turned on the poor Mom who hosted the party like she could hold back that tide.

The Moms have out their pitchforks and they are ready to storm the castle. Any castle. Somebody is gonna pay. Nobody is going to corrupt their babies.

Ellen: This is taking hand-wringing to a whole new level.

Erin: Yeah, these Moms have flipped the Doomsday switch on an entry level hiccup.

While I am not immune to the stomach-turning, slightly nauseous feeling of crossing over into this next phase yet again, I have learned a thing or two from the teens and tweens who came before.

The truth getting lost among the pitchforks and torches is that this is just the beginning. Now is not the time for rolling heads or securing the gallows.

Ellen: Hey the reality is that your kid is not a baby anymore. The quicker you come to that realization, the happier you ALL will be.

Erin: What has escalated this mess from a funny phone call anecdote to parking lot melodrama? The implications that these babies are moving into the new but clearly anticipated next step of boy/girl stuff. We’re talking about <GULP> sex.

Ellen: Yeah. Take a deep cleansing breath. It’s an eye-opening day when the babies start abandoning the Princess dresses for some eye liner. . .

Erin: . . . and the Pirates are trading in their swords for AXE, but it’s a day that’s coming for all of us.

Ellen: I just get tired when I think of all the handwringing over games like this and the artificial time tables for when to start make-up and hard and fast rules about when to date. Time isn’t marching on just for us. Our “babies” are moving into adulthood at lightning speed juiced with the power of teen spirit and hormones and we would do best to follow their lead.

So let’s take a minute to pull together a plan, so that when the stakes are higher than, say, spin-the-water-bottle and they will be, you’ll be ready.

Erin: So I’m just gonna throw right out there that “Oh, hellz no, ain’t nobody gonna try and kiss my baby” is a perfectly reasonable response to a situation like this.

Ellen: Absolutely. But this initial emotional response is not something to download on your kid. A husband, on the other hand, is always a great choice as he has a vested interest in your kid staying off of the pole, so to speak.

Erin: And your girlfriends owe you AND know you. You suffered through playdates with crappy goldfish ground into your new carpet and teddy grahams stuffed between your couch cushions for just this moment. Besides, these ladies will know just what to say to keep you from going over that figurative castle wall.

Ellen: You have to take this crucial time to vent, so that when your kid is venting or sharing or even just talking, you can be silent.

Erin: This is key and we cannot express this enough. In the world of the angsty adolescent, YOUR silence is not just golden, it is pure gold and will keep your teen from turning mute.

Erin: Which leads us to the next step. Talk it out with your kid. Sort of.

You may not be ready exactly to see your kid moving into this next phase but they ARE, so fall in line. Say something like “Hey, tell me about Gertrude’s party” and then zip it. Tight.

Ellen: Just listening is powerful Mom stuff. By not handling it—no emails, no handwringing, no pitchforks–you are giving your child the tools to handle it herself and the opportunity to build a bridge of trust with you that will come in handy later on.

Erin: By not blowing up this bridge of trust over the small stuff, you are communicating that you can handle whatever they want to tell you.

Ellen: We want our kids to share and be open. That’s the end game. But jumping to action or indignation without really listening will end THAT game pretty quickly.

Erin: This is probably one of the hardest things about parenting the older child. Gone are the days where we rocked their world with a hug and a band-aid or a bag full of snacks.

Ellen: Oh the sweet simplicity!

Erin: Now our mothering is more on the down low . . . think more Diana Prince, less Wonder Woman flash. We show our love and guidance in these small moments where we support their growing independence and competence with nary a red boot or golden lasso in sight.

Ellen: We’re still sporting our capes beneath our Target T-shirts, but the point of the next few years is that everybody KNOWS we’re still our kid’s heroes, champions, and number one fans, but now we are giving our kids a chance to own the spotlight. . .

Erin: . . . and share the game plan.

Ellen: And we all win.

Erin: Or at least we’re on the same team.

-Erin and Ellen

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