Sometimes you have questions. Questions like “why won’t my kid stay in her own bed?” or “why does my three year old ask 500 questions?” or “what would drive Erin to dress like this?”
The answer to all of these questions is that kids are nuts. No, not really, but parenting can make you a little nutty, or, in Erin’s case, just plumb worn out.
In this podcast, we get into some serious truth about parenting and answer the question of why Erin is dressed like that. We also tackle the big question of whether you really need to be loving every minute of it. Even if your kids are your favorite people, they can also be taxing and confounding and exhausting. We talk about some of the highs and lows, and, as a bonus, Ellen gives a little primer on children’s brain development.
Check out our latest conversation and feel free to join in! Just leave your thoughts in the comments!
With four sons between the ages of 7 and 17, my house is a living laboratory of the modern American young man. With the holidays looming, people ask me often what might make a great gift for their favorite nephew/cousin/brother/godson. Of course, I have a teen daughter too and she loves a lot of this stuff too.
Lego, anything Doctor Who-related, and any kind of ball are always safe bets for the tween and younger teen. But what if you want or need some more ideas for your older teen? Here’s a list of great gifts for teen guys that should please nearly any boy (and some of the girls ) on your list, but most especially the ones that are also asking for Axe or car keys this Christmas.
For Boys in Motion
FORZA Soccer Goal 12×6 If you have a sports-loving kid, this is certain to put a smile on his face. We have already worn out one of these so this is topping my boys’ lists this year for sure.
This was a huge hit at the beach last summer. My 17yo son put this at the top of his list this year.
ESPN Films 30 for 30: Complete Season 1 Watching these great sports films has become a mother/son bonding thing each week. Quality sports entertainment perfect for your sports-loving boy.
Sure to secure your place as mom of the year with this one. These are the most fun, safe bow and arrow sets out there and they have LED lights so you can play at night. I almost cannot stand the awesome. Younger teen boys kind of lose their mind over this stuff.
Nerf guns are a neighborhood staple and these are the best ones. Period. Reliable and quick, your favorite guy should dominate his next Nerf battle with this one. The 17yo said this would still be a winner.
Big boys need an outlet. Short of installing a gym in your basement, this should do the trick.
Great Games
The Settlers of Catan We love games to lure sulky teens back to the family fold. This is one of our favorites. Easy to learn, fairly quick (most games are done in a little over an hour) but interesting enough to survive a week long beach trip without getting boring. This is a game you will come back to time and again. A favorite for all of my kids—boys and girl alike! Pandemic Board Game
Another great choice for family game night. My boys (and girl) love watching the disease hot spots pop up and I love how we assume different roles as disease-fighting specialists all working together to put out the hot spots. If the disease spreads, we all lose. If we contain the outbreak, we all win. Family fun and peace in one box. Fa-la-la-la-la.
Tween boys lose their ever-loving minds over this game. At a price point under $30, it’s a great gift choice and with a gazillion add-on card packs, it’s a gift idea that you can recycle for his birthday as well. Keep this in mind for the younger set. It’s a winner.
All of the teens and tweens love this classic game. But you have to get the version with the animals. Nothing like having the camels and the water buffalo duke it out in the end. Trust us on this one.
With a price point below $10, this one could be a great stocking stuffer or perfect for a gift exchange. We play this all summer long and during snow days. Super-fast and fun.
We gave these to the boys last Christmas, and they were a run-away hit. There are other two way radios of course, but these work up to 5 miles apart. My kids use them constantly.
Zoomer Zuppies Interactive Puppy – Spot Boys and their dogs are not easily parted. If you are not ready to commit to the fuzzy, furry type, this one will certainly win you high fives on Christmas Day. Boys and tech are always a win! For younger teens, this is topping their list this Christmas. JAM Classic Bluetooth Wireless Speaker (Blueberry) HX-P230BL All of my kids LOVE their music, and this speaker is topping my 11yo’s list. Right now, he uses the computer to blast his tunes to help him through his chores. This will make his sound portable and shareable. A hit for all teens!
A lot of boys love Star Wars and these command sets combine the appeal of army men with the classic movie. Any of the sets would be a winner, but we are partial to the Millennium Falcon. All boys love a toy, even big ones.
All of the senior boys I know have this on their list. Don’t question. Just surprise him with your awesomeness. Anything Ralph Lauren is good apparently.
If your boy loves the radio-controlled genre of fun, this one is the MacDaddy of fun. It’s a remote-controlled helicopter with a camera. You will be getting high fives and hugs all season long.
Every version of this game is pretty great, but this year’s upgrade does not disappoint.
Hope these ideas help you make your favorite teen guy’s Christmas extra-special this year. Of course, there might be some crossover potential for some of the girls on your list too!
Everybody should have a blog, and everyone should have a teenager.
Hear us out. We have not lost our minds . . . or at least that’s what the voices in our heads keep telling us.
Anyway, blogging has been a completely validating, delightful experience if you overlook the soul-sucking time spent falling down the rabbit hole of social media, the forays into the confusing world of HTML code, and the time spent with trolls and other internet nasties. It’s even worth it if you don’t make money.
But seriously, blogging produced some unforeseen, but completely wonderful side effects for us. For one, we’ve developed fulfilling relationships with people who read our blog and with other bloggers. But more surprisingly, blogging opened up positive feelings and deeper communications not only between the two of us, but with our kids, too.
We’ll say that last bit again. Blogging has improved our relationship with our kids. This, of course, developed after the infamous quote from Ellen’s daughter in the beginning:
Our blog is not just a place to write and express ourselves, but a place to express how we feel to our kids. The blog gives us a starting point to kick off some of the thornier conversations, and for that we are grateful. We can say, “Hey, we need to write about this topic for the blog, what to you think?” and the proverbial ball starts to roll.
It’s also a place for us to debunk the myth that the teenage years are awful. As we have transitioned ourselves over to Planet Teen, we have found that while adolescence can be rocky, in general, it isn’t so bad, and can actually be delightful.
The truth and enjoyment lies in bridging the Great Divide between what people want you to believe about teens and what teens are really like. Here’s the way we look at it. The kids you have loved, cheered for, and guided are now the interesting people you can share with on a deeper level. They have their own goals, dreams, ideas, and ambitions, and you have a front row seat to watch it all unfold. It’s pretty great.
And it’s so important to shout positive messages about teens from the rooftops because research shows that children who are validated by their parents and who feel confident are most resistant to peer pressure.
Since we are a wee bit iffy about heights, we’re going to ditch the ladder and shout it from the internet instead. For the #ToMyTeen campaign we were asked us to answer some prompts about our teens and to give some parenting advice. For fun, we decided to answer these without consulting each other. Check out what we came up with.
Oh but first, just to refresh, Erin has two teenage sons, 13 and 17, and one daughter who is 15, giving her a whooping three out of five kids who are teenagers. Ellen’s two daughters are 13 and 16.
Erin: After years of slugging through fart jokes, tears, and spilled milk, we are FINALLY able to have some real, thoughtful conversations around the old dinner table and I have to say it feels pretty great. You know what also feels great? Watching my kids be their best, most kind and generous selves. My heart swells when they weigh in on current events or just tell me what they really think and it melts when I see them lend a helping hand or offer a gentle word when needed. The word thoughtful perfectly describes these two important aspects of who they are right now. Ellen: My daughters are many things, but I chose to highlight their intelligence because it’s their brains that will get them ahead in life and get them out of sticky situations. People are quick to give compliments about how pretty they are, but it’s their personalities and intelligence that make them the people you want to be around.
Erin: In my darker teen moments (think: empty linen closet because all of our towels are on my son’s floor), I can see why this stereotype persists, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. In my experience, teens aren’t lazy so much as gifted in the art of procrastination and deflection. They prioritize different things than I do, but they work hard at school, in their sports, and at their jobs. I have seen my kids and their friends work tirelessly and selflessly for that which they deem important. We adults need to focus on the positive and be open to seeing things from their perspective.
Ellen: To the effect of what Erin said, I hate how teens are portrayed on networks like Disney or Nickelodeon. My girls aren’t smart-mouthed and they’re not one dimensional. They can’t be pigeon-holed into restrictive categories like jock, geek, or flirt. And once and for all, beauty and brains are not mutually exclusive.
Erin: Trust but verify is a play on the toddler truism, “Never turn your back on them”, and it just happens to be a critical part of the teen parenting arsenal. Give them freedom with consequences. Be ready and willing to check in on everything.
Ellen: Setting boundaries and having your “No” really mean no when they are young will help you immensely when they are older and the stakes are higher. They will know in their DNA that no amount of theatrics will weaken you. At age three, it might mean not caving in to the tantrum for the lollipop in the checkout line. No big deal, right? But by age fifteen, the kid who is taller than you will know that all of the “you are ruining my life” slamming around will not sway you when you say no to an unchaperoned party.
Erin: I loved my kids when they were little, but I really like them now. They can turn any day into a good time. Not just fun but funny too, they remind me to take myself less seriously and enjoy each moment with them.
Ellen: I just feel like I am raising people who will EVENTUALLY be my best friends. Right now, they are my favorite people to be with and I pray that never changes.
But enough about us, here’s the greatest part!
You can have what we have: the chance to communicate with your kids on a digital level! You can upload your own love letters to your teens for the #ToMyTeen campaign here.
Not only will you be validating your teen for everyone to see, you will be automatically entered to win a $50 VISA gift card though the month of October.
Still feeling a little camera shy? Remember what we said about validated teens being more resistant to peer pressure? Here’s one reason why it’s important to tell our kids they’re great and to open portals to important conversations: One in 25 teens abuses OTC (over the counter) cough medicine to get high.
It is also important to know what to look for when it comes to OTC med abuse because knowledge is power. It is important to trust, but verify.
Don’t start hyperventilating in a paper bag! You have the actions you can take:
Pick one (or more) of the awesome prompts.
Upload your picture.
Show it to your teen.
Start your conversation: “I did this to let you know I think you’re awesome because being a teenager can be hard. You’re faced with all kinds of pressures. For example, have you ever heard of friends using cough syrup to get high?”
Or maybe a less awkward start than that, but you get the picture. Seize the moments that present themselves for meaningful discussions, use the #ToMyTeen campaign to kindle the conversation, and remember that the most important element in a “talk” is listening.
You’ve got this. Even if you don’t have a blog.
-Ellen and Erin
This post was sponsored, but all positive feelings about teens are all our own. We LOVE this campaign.
We talk about talking with your kids a lot. You can read about it here and here.
But how, oh how, do you make it easier?
Try a little something we like to call “Stop, Drop, and Roll with it.” Stop the lectures. Drop the awkward broaching of even awkward-er topics. Roll with the conversation.
It’s all about building a “Culture for Conversation” with your kids. Every conversation does not have to be complex and deep to build a connection. Every shared giggle, every act of listening, every story told builds an environment, a culture, in your home conducive to conversation.
It’s all about sharing your real self with your real kids in a real way. So here’s a little how-to so you can get those conversations with your kids rolling today.
Elementary
In this age group, parents tend to drive the conversation, but kids are a receptive, captive audience. They still see you as a fountain of knowledge and a go-to for information. You are forming the habits now that will serve you later in the tween and teen years.
Erin’s family has a cube with table topics that they like to bring out at mealtime.
Create mealtimes and bedtimes with space for conversation. Establish the routine of conversing every day.
Use experiences with TV, movies, and music to kindle conversation. Homework can also be a great jumping off point.
Erin:While studying for a social studies test with my then third-grader, I asked him this question: “Name three ways the Native Americans use their natural resources.” This was his inspired response: “Well, very well, and outstanding.”In this case, we were able to talk about his possible future in stand-up. Don Rickles has nothing on this kid.
Erin:We love this resource. It brings us gems like this: At dinner last night, we asked the question: So what makes you different from everyone else?
Son 1: I’m handsome.
Son 2: I have great hair.
Son 3: I am the funniest and cutest.
Apparently, humility is NOT the thing that distinguishes Dymowskis from the pack.
Sometimes conversation thuds, but learn to keep going and only laugh out loud if you can’t help it.
Erin:This is really, really hard to do sometimes, especially when your kids lob up keepers like this:
Son: Dad, that team we just beat is the same one we lost to in the first game of the season.
My husband: That’s great. What do you think was the difference?
Son: The score.
Middle School
This is the moment where the parenting dynamic shifts. You have to remember (over and over again) conversation is just as much about listening. At the very least, Middle Schoolers have many more opinions about what is going on in the world around them. At the very worst, they share them with you. We jest. Kind of.
The best thing that you can do is to switch it up a little. Let them lead the conversation now. While they may no longer think of you as the Bomb Diggity of Wisdom, you’re still a major influencer in their lives. In fact, you are still the most important one. They want to have conversations with you. They just want more of a role determining where, when, and how.
With older kids, it’s less about creating a conversational agenda and more about grabbing a moment and going with it.
Erin:When my oldest was in 6th grade, I decided to use the time in the car to get at the heart of a matter bothering me. Not a bad idea in itself, but I was so set on attacking my agenda that I started pelting him with questions right out of a parenting book the second he got in the car. He knew I wasn’t being authentic and he called me on it. He rolled down the window and yelled out, “My mom is trying to relate to me.”
Catch them in the first 15 minutes when they walk through the door. They are ready to unload, but if you don’t catch it, they are stingy with the replay button.
Listen without judgment or reaction. Just use “Yes, I am listening cues” like nodding your head. We love Michelle Icard’s use of the term “botox brow.” Learn it, love it, employ it often.
In general, only give the info they are looking for, BUT always be on the lookout for segueing into trickier topics like underage drinking.
This is a great time to set conversational guidelines. We are talking about things like: no name-calling, no bringing up old business, no using words like “always” and “never”. This is the time to start modelling healthy relationship tools. At the very least, you are creating awesome future spouses. Imagine the thank you notes your future sons and daughters-in-law will send you.
Emphasize that disagreements arise between all people, even those who love each other. Families work to resolve conflict with open minds, open hearts, and open dialogue.
Oh, and learn their lingo. If you were visiting a foreign country, you would take a guidebook and learn the customs. The natives will appreciate the effort . . . usually.
High School
It’s similar to middle school, but teens spend more time away from families than with them. Between school, sports, activities, jobs, and friends, they have their own world. Honoring that they have their own life experiences and independent knowledge is key to maintaining a good open relationship.
Honor that they have been exposed to things that you didn’t expose them to. Ask about movies they have seen, music they listen to, art they like, and books they love. They may talk a little or a lot, but these are your breadcrumbs back to them when the talking gets harder.
Remind them that they have a soft place to land. Your words, gestures, and even your familiar home environment should send a message that your house is their safe place. If they ask you not to tell something to your mother, your best friend, or their siblings, honor that. Husbands are a whole other ballgame, but the point is that they need to know that you are the Fort Knox of trust.
Keep it conversational rather than confrontational. Eye contact can be great, but shouldn’t be mandatory. Some things are just hard to talk about. The car is a great place for this to happen . . . especially in the first fifteen minutes they descend upon you. We are often grateful to have two hands on a steering wheel and a windshield to stare through when the kids start dropping bombshells.
Erin:In my house, we have a loveseat that brings you together but makes eye contact impossible without awkward neck angles. It’s the perfect chair for talking. My kids will even ask to “take it the chair” sometimes.
Walking together and doing activities gets the conversation flowing.
Ellen: I have to remind myself of this constantly. I once asked my daughter to go on a hike and I learned more in that twenty minutes than a month’s worth of “How was your day?” I was longing for a flip chart though because the social hierarchy and nuisances she shared were more complicated than the lineage of the House of Windsor.
Be prepared for conversational shrapnel. Good conversation with teens means that you are sometimes going to get nailed with things you really didn’t want to know. You are likely to find out that sweet little kid who slept over at your house for five years straight is now a social media bully or worse. Just remember that “botox brow” we mentioned before or you are going be shut out faster than you can say, “Come again?”
Were you hoping for more of a step-by-step instead of an Ikea pamphlet? Here’s the thing, you’ve got this. No one knows or loves your kids better than you. Just remember to always put on your listening ears (and face) and you’ll be fine.
If you’re looking for more resources for a lifetime of conversations, the Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility has them. You can find all sorts of great ideas for starting and continuing talks with your kids. Check out this video from FAAR too. It’s a great place to start!
Good luck and just keep talking!
Erin and Ellen
This is a sponsored post but the lessons learned and the “shake your head” anecdotes are all ours. We really do endorse this as one of the many valuable resources available to guide you through the process of talking to your kids.
Recently, we posted this on our Sisterhood Facebook page:
A mom created an app called “Ignore No More”. It is exactly what it sounds like. Your kid ignores your text? You lock down their phone until they respond. It generated a nice little conversation on our page with many “Heck yeahs” and “Perfects,” but we were unprepared for the reaction when we brought it up with our real live family.
Actually, we didn’t even bring it up with them directly. Our teen daughters overheard us talking about how the topic was pumping some life into our Facebook page.
They can’t hear us when we tell them to pick up their socks, but they heard us talking about this ten feet away as they were about to jump in the pool. In a word, the response was visceral.
Their heads snapped around and their outrage crackled the air at the mere mention of the words “phone” and “shutdown” in the same sentence.
It looked kinda like this:
This was all kinds of bizarro out of balance to us. At first glance, this app seemed well within the limits of parenting in a digital age. Because seriously, “Limits, boundaries, limits, boundaries,” is the modern media mom’s mantra, right?
After a double-take and a “Calm your giblets,” we threw this out there: “So what’s with the Mount Vesuvius of reactions? If you just answer your phones, this doesn’t affect you at all. No. Big. Deal.”
In all honesty, they were all so worked up in the beginning that they couldn’t really put a finger on exactly what the trigger was. Then after they calmed down a bit, their ideas started to take some shape:
“It would cut us off from everything.”
“It is such a violation.”
“But it’s just so wrong.”
But once again, “Kids, if you are copacetic with the mom-kid agreement to just answer our texts, it doesn’t really affect you. Like at all. Ever.”
That just stirred the outrage up to boiling again.
We took this moment to remind them about our overriding phone ground rule. “The phone belongs to us and you have it for our pleasure and convenience . . . like when we need you to take a video of us for a blog post. But seriously,we don’t mind you enjoying Instagram, but you only have the phone for safety purposes and so we can tell you who we found to pick you and your stinky cleats up from soccer.”
So we asked the question: “Why did you react SO viscerally? What is this really about?”
Again, there was a bit of an uproar, but as the emotional responses waned, their logical centers took over and they gave us this:
“It’s a violation of my privacy.”
“It feels like you’re being a control freak.”
“It’s all about trust.”
Oh.
Erin:And I started to see their point of view.The subtle messages we send to our kids are just as important as the overt lessons. With a second glance, we had to concede that they might be on to something.
Ellen: I have to admit when I posted about the app I thought, “This is a great idea,” and I wanted to see what our readers thought. Their responses were overwhelmingly favorable, just like mine.
Erin:But when I really thought about it, given our daughters’ reactions, this app really started to look like helicopter parenting in the extreme. The app’s point seemed to be, “I need you now. You will be available to me now. Oh, you’re not? Well, I can control that.” Yep. Looks a little like hovering in the extreme. Can you hear the thwack thwack of the rotors overhead?
Ellen: Now our kids were really calming down because they could see understanding dawning in our eyes. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I would never use this as anything other than a punishment. I set my expectations with my kids that their phone is for my convenience, but I also respect them enough to only text about the important things like, “You need to get in Mr. Brian’s car after band or you’ll have a long walk home.”
I’m not reminding them to turn in their papers or asking them to check in during their school day or bugging them to eat their sandwich before the cupcake. I am communicating, not helicoptering. Okay, sometimes I type out an “I love you,” or a “Good luck,” because a text is the teen version of a lunchbox note, but that is still not hovering and no response is required.
Erin:Our girls sprawled on the pool lounges with relief when we concluded this app would only be a tool for us to discipline a child without taking away the safety of having a phone.
Ellen: We all agreed, there would be many discussions and a hefty grounding going on before this app was installed.
So NOW what do YOU think?
Is this app a good idea or helicopter parenting at its worst?
I’ve been thinking you should get a new hobby–something that will divert your attention away from creating new and ridiculous ways to tear apart the female body piece by piece like your latest weapon of mass destruction: thigh gap. How about you take up something like soap making instead of undermining women’s spirits? Think of all of the bubbly fun. You could set up a booth at a Renaissance festival, make some cash, and enjoy a turkey leg and some ale. Pinterest might have a tutorial or a gazillion to get you started.
If you have not heard of “thigh gap”, I’m so sorry to be introducing it to you, but basically it’s lauding (or coveting) the tops of your thighs not touching. This is not just another flavor of fat shaming. It really is more than that. This moves beyond weight, which is a matter of health and is managed with diet and exercise, and moves on to the way girls’ skeletons are built, something they can’t change.
Depending on the roll of the genetic dice determining the width of your pelvis, your femurs are either wide set, making you (according to the internet) a thigh-gapped flamingo or closer set making you one step away from being a mermaid with your rubbing thighs. Such whimsical imagery for what is basically another avenue for self-loathing and eating disorders. If your pelvis is narrow, the only way to get a thigh gap is through starvation.
Images like this popping up in my Pinterest feed got me thinking about the topic:
It seemed like an innocent giggle, but was it? It rankled with me, prompting me to do a search for “thigh gap” on Pinterest.
Thank you Pinterest for putting up a warning: “Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are mental disorders that if left untreated can cause serious health problems or could even be life-threatening. For treatment referrals, information, and support, you can always contact the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or www.nationaleatingdisorders.org”
My mouth dropped open when I saw the eating disorder warning at the top.I was grateful Pinterest was responsible enough to post this, but I was deflated because as I suspected, this wasn’t a laughing matter.
But I didn’t have true chills of disgust until I expanded my search beyond the rainbows and mason jars of Pinterest and perused Tumblr, that wild west where all of the teens hang. There, girls with thigh gaps were called whores, blatant glorification of anorexia abounded, and fat shaming oozed.
I have two teenage daughters. One naturally has a thigh gap and one does not, but until a couple of months ago, this was something I would have never noticed. What’s important is they’re both healthy, trim, and athletic. Why should either one of my girls feel badly about the set of their femurs?? Damn you, Society, for planting another seed of obsession.
Those seeds have a way of taking root and burrowing in. I remember yucking it up at a Dane Cook show until he started on a riff about how disgusting it is when the inner labia are longer than the outer ones. As someone who did time in an OB/GYN residency, I knew he just shamed about half the women in the audience. Why did he even have to suggest that my vagina was less than acceptable? And why do I still think about it to this day? It’s like once you hear it, you can’t shake it out of your head. All I know is, at that moment, I wished a thousand fire ants would crawl up his pant leg . . . and that he would never have the privilege of seeing another vagina ever again.
These missiles against women are lobbed up so cavalierly, but they aren’t new. Twenty-first century boredom and Tumblr accounts aren’t solely responsible. Corsets anyone? Foot binding?
The problem is as old as time, but what are modern moms to do? You can’t send an army of ants to attack offenders and you can’t shield your kids from life, but you can give them another point of view, another inner dialogue. You can combat the negative messages because they really do listen to you.
With my daughters, I monitor how I speak about my own body, promote exercise as a way to maintain health and good moods, embrace desserts in moderation, emphasize healthy foods as delicious fuel, and present my girls with reasons to love and respect the strength of their bodies through organized and leisure sports.
I also teach them about fads and how not everything on the internet is worthy of their time or attention. We talk about this A LOT because the web is constantly serving up new points for discussion. (Damn you, Internet!)
This week I’m branching out, though. I’m going to take a vacation from combating the negative and teach them how to pick a worthwhile hobby. Soap making here we come! There’s a festival in our future.
Motherhood doesn’t just change your pants size, your shoe size, and your selection at Victoria’s Secret, Motherhood changes EVERYTHING. And then it keeps on changing. ALL. THE. TIME. You will just get your parenting stride at a stage, and your little darling is sprinting on to the next one.
To those of you already sporting stretch marks, under eye circles, and the requisite Real-Moms-Take-This-Shizz-Everywhere hand sanitizer, you know we speak The Truth. You know what would make this whole Mom thing easier short of a trainer, an industrial strength leash, and an ironclad agreement with the relatives to babysit every weekend?? Some Sisters to show you the way.
Now we’ve heard there are some great parenting books out there, but, honestly, you won’t have time to read them. Remember what we said about the sprinting?? But we love books, so we took some inspiration from classic books and children’s books to mark some milestones of Motherhood for you. Some fanfare, please . . .
1. War and Peace
The First Year
Now Erin has never actually read this book, but we heard that it concerns Russia. The title conjures what it feels like in the trenches of your first year with a new baby. It’s either bliss. . . or bombs raining down on you. Prepare to be delighted, completely decimated, and so deprived of sleep you could put on your husband’s underwear and think it’s your own or fall asleep mid-sentence. Not that either of these things has ever happened to either of us.
2. What Do People Do All Day?
The Second Year
Hope you like naming aloud everything you own, see, think, hear, feel, smell, flush down the toilet, etc. because that’s what baby likes. Oh, that’s not for me, you say, my kid’s just chillin’. Well, we say that clearly you have never been at the mercy of a newly mobile but vocabulary-limited tot. YET. They jonez for this stuff like miniature meth addicts cut off from their supplier. Buy every oversized, ridiculously detailed book you can find now to assuage the tiny beasts. Richard Scarry knows. He’s the toddler-whisperer.
3. Where the Wild Things Are
The Third and Fourth Year AKA The Terrible/Terrific Twos and Threes
These kids are adorable but nuts with a little extra nutty on top. Every time we think back to when our houses were ruled by these fickle tyrants, there is a little catch in our throats. We do miss our ladies who dressed as princesses or ladybugs every day and our lads bedecked in boots and capes. But it’s a dog-eat-dog world in the Land of Tod and we’ll give you three guesses who’s their favorite meal. Come to think of it, Lord of the Flies works for this stage too.
4. Interrupting Chicken
The Funny Fabulous Fact-Filled Four Year Old
Erin is 100% convinced that she did not have her attention issues until she had to parent a 4 year old—FIVE TIMES! No sentences are finished, no thoughts completed, no work is done. The four year old runs the place like a miniature Napoleon or Attila the Hun and the only consistent thing he or she is serving up is questions. Note: When the 4 year old inevitably asks you where babies come from or why you and Daddy like to wrestle, deflect, defer, and lie your pants off. You have plenty of time to pay for future counseling.
This stage marks the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, so all that sniffling and carrying on you’re going to do is totally justified. Your baby belongs to the great big world now. And it’s a beautiful, terrible, amazing, nauseating, wondrous sight to see.
6. The Call of the Wild
Early Elementary School
Seriously, kids at this age are powered by sheer force of will and their wily, wily ways. If we could harness it, we would solve the world’s energy needs. Oh, yeah, and they are full throttle without the benefit of forethought or reason. Invest in Band-Aids and mecurochrome and wine.
7. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde
Late Elementary School
As a pre-cursor to the full-blown hormonal onslaught headed your way, Mother Nature gives you a little tapas of what’s to come. Honestly, a lot of the angst comes from having one foot in the Land of the Little Kid and the other in the Acreage of Adolescence, but that doesn’t mean that this stage isn’t sometimes going to keep you up at night or wrangling with each other during the day.
8. Something Wicked This Way Comes
Middle School
Too dramatic? Maybe, especially when we both actually enjoy our Middle Schoolers and Erin loves teaching this age group. But storms are a-comin’, so you need to be ready to ride them out when they come AND to enjoy the calm seas in between the blow-ups.
9. Catch-22
Early Teen
Your tongue might actually hurt from all the times you will hold it. Happy, successful parenting with teens is all about choosing your battles, so often times you may get caught in senseless, absurd situations. We’ll take those over the scary stuff that also sometimes comes with the teen years, but none of it is easy. And <sniff>, you do sense your time together is shortening.
10. Great Expectations
Late Teen
Your baby’s getting ready to spread his or her wings, so there is great talk about the future and plans and what happens next. It’s all exciting and scary and nothing at all like what you imagined when you started this journey, oh so many moons ago.
Part of our schtick is sharing parenting advice. We have 7 kids between us ranging from 6 to 16 with both genders well represented. We’re like a freaking parenting test lab fueled by Cheez-its and hormones.
Erin:But we want to take this moment to clarify. We are not relaxing in some lofty ivory tower pontificating or galloping on our trusty high horses across the lands dispensing our morsels of wisdom to you needy peasants.
Ellen: It’s more like “We Step In The Doo So You Don’t Have To.”
Erin:Case in point: Homecoming 2013. Our daughters are in the same county but go to different high schools. My daughter Biddie is a freshman and Ellen’s “Coco” is a sophomore. I’m thanking my lucky stars that Coco’s Homecoming was two weeks before Biddie’s because. . .
Ellen: I was still scraping the doo from my shoe as Erin blissfully skirted her steaming pile.
Erin:I have nearly broken my arm patting myself on the back for learning from Ellen’s folly.
Ellen: Here is the You-Are-Just-Going-To-Have-To-Believe-Me-When-I-Say-This-Is-The-Short-Version:
Coco was asked to the dance by a senior she barely knew two weeks before the date. He was a friend of a friend’s boyfriend and it seemed great until the Wednesday before the dance when Coco laid this on me in the car:
“I really don’t want to go to the dance with Senior Boy because he is too clingy and he’s creeping me out. And I hate the way he breathes.”
Erin:Uhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ellen: Exactly! What ensued was an awkward balancing act stressing safety over politeness while conveying that politeness wins over “I hate how he breathes.”
Erin:We want our daughters to know that if true alarm bells are going off, never go through with a date because of feelings of duty or manners. Never tamp down your instincts.
Ellen: HOWEVER, after sussing out that there was no real threat and just the hardcore annoyance that only a teen can cultivate, I stressed to Coco that it was really not the kind thing to do to dump someone three days before the dance on the grounds of respiratory incompatibility. Coco, being the considerate trooper she is, decided to tough it out and not break the date.
Erin: Well, let’s face it, once they pass through those school doors, the girls and boys separate like the waters of the Red Sea anyway.
Ellen: True. A very brief fast forward to Dance Saturday and Coco gets a text from Senior Boy hours before the dance stating that he does NOT want to go with HER because she ignored him at her volleyball game.
Erin:THAT RAT!
Ellen: Yeah, I had other choice words, but Coco was riding the other track of the emotional roller coaster: elation. She ran downstairs with her arms victoriously raised, slid onto her knees in her best Mia Hamm impression yelling, “I don’t have to go with him!”
And then I started apologizing for not letting her break her date with him, but my girl was all about the silver linings. “No worries, Mom. I don’t have to go with him AND I look like the better person. I am free and I am going to have a great time with my friends.”
Erin:All’s well that ends well. And by well, I mean I heeded the lesson so I looked like a parenting rock star right out of the gate.
My Biddie wanted a high school boyfriend and she got a high school boyfriend.
Ellen: But then she learned that boyfriends can be a lot of work . . .
Erin:And put you smack dab on the stage of everyone’s speculation. So, days before the dance, Biddie broke up with her boyfriend in the kindest way possible because she just wanted to relax and go with her friends. And you know what I said?
Ellen: “Have fun!”
Erin: Yes. Yes I did. So what is the moral of this story? Trust your kid? Trust your instincts? Ban boys from your daughters’ lives?
Ellen: All of that, but I think the real moral is to not treat any of these relationships like they are the end all be all. Treat them seriously, but acknowledge them for the learning and growing experiences that they are.
Erin:Always be there for back-up and advice and keep those communication lines open. And listen to YOUR friends.
Ellen: Exactly. Why have a Sister travel the road ahead of you if you’re not going to take her advice on how to avoid the potholes?
Erin:Or at least thank her for removing one pile of doo from your path.
Erin’s husband Steve drew birthday party duty with the six year old this weekend. But while he had to endure Eddie being sugared up to the gills for this pool party, he was also able to get his parental chit-chat on. Steve is the Han Solo of banter–always ready with some wit.
But this day, one of the parents steered the conversation to more serious waters. He asked Steve how parenting a teen was different than a six year old. Steve threw this out: “Not different at all. I still do what I’ve always done. Trust but verify.” It’s a play on the toddler truism, “Never turn your back on them”, and it just happens to be a critical part of the teen parenting arsenal.
For most parents, the teen years loom in the distance as a scary landscape you would much rather detour around. As current residents of Planet Teen, we are here to say that the weather is generally not so bad here, you just need to be prepared, you know, pack that umbrella to protect yourself from sudden storms. As your guides through this territory, we think that outfitting yourself with common sense, arming yourself with knowledge, and decking yourself out with a panoply of patience will help you navigate your way. It also might help to carry Steve’s truism close to the vest.
It also helps to keep your eyes wide open for trouble. It’s best to see the potholes ahead before they rip out your undercarriage. It’s part of that common sense thing we were talking about.
One of these potholes is right in front of your nose. There are unexpected dangers lurking in your medicine cabinet long after you have outgrown the need for child-proof caps. Dextromethorphan (DXM) is an effective ingredient found in many over-the-counter (OTC) cough medicines. It’s perfectly safe unless you have decided to use it to get high in which case it enters the danger zone. When abused, DXM can cause side effects including vomiting, stomach pain, mild distortions of color and sound, hallucinations, and loss of motor control. Scarily enough, approximately 1 in 20 teens is abusing excessive amounts of DXM and 1 in 3 knows someone who has abused cough medicine to get high.
But YOU can take control of the wheel. October is National Medicine Abuse Awareness Month and we are pleased to be partnering with Stop Medicine Abuse to bring you the tools you need. Stop Medicine Abuse is an organization dedicated to working with families and teens to prevent OTC medicine abuse. The organization is generous and informed and ready to answer your questions about this hazard in your home.
So now that we are sure that you understand there is an issue, the next obvious question is . . .
What can parents do?
1. Listen to the language your kids use.
Here’s a starter list of slang terms for medicinal abuse. Visit the Stop Medicine Abuse site for a more detailed list as well as some conversation starters.
2.Be vigilant for the warning signs
Unusual empty bottles and boxes. Make sure that any of these in your child’s room, trash, backpack, or school locker is immediately discussed.
Loss of interest in hobbies or favorite activities. This is always a red flag. Ask the question. Sometimes kids have just moved on from something they used to enjoy, but other times it’s indicative of a deeper issue.
Changes in friends, physical appearance, sleeping, or eating patterns. Promise yourself and your kid that you’ll be a parent who is tuned in. Don’t let any of these go without a comment or a conversation.
Declining grades. Schoolwork is a great barometer. Don’t ignore any issues that pop up.
3. Take the first step in preventing this abuse: EDUCATE yourself and your family.
And remember this: in spite of the fact that every other sentence you say might elicit an eye roll or exasperated sigh, you still play a powerful role at the center of your child’s universe. Hold on to this knowledge as a talisman. Pledge that medicine abuse will not touch your child.
And keep Steve’s words of wisdom at the ready. Trust but verify.
We are using the hashtag #NotMyTeen all this month to empower parents to be sure it’s NOT their teen included in these numbers.
This sponsored post is part of the #NotMyTeen campaign by the organization Stop Medicine Abuse, an initiative of the Consumer Health Products, in participation with National Medicine Abuse Prevention Month. All opinions are our own and we are proud to spread the word.
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