Just a little heads up: Christmas is a week away which means, boys and girls, that it’s go time! We know you might be rocking in a corner somewhere or railing against the gods of timesuck that you have more things on your to-do list than time to do it, but we’re here to help. While we can’t stuff your stockings, hang your baubles, or roast your beast, we can share some things that have helped us find the happy sweet underbelly of Christmas in the midst of the madness. Think of it as the cookie before the main course. What? Cookies don’t come first? We’ll never tell.
We’re gonna keep this short and simple, folks, because quite frankly, who’s got the time, but here are:
1) The Gift of Experience
We both believe that experiences trump things. To that end, over the years, we have given concert tickets, special trips, museum visits, and special lessons. We could say that the memories from those special moments were as much a gift to us as to our kids. But spending special time with their awesome moms is the ultimate gift for our kiddos AND they usually end up with a souvenir AND we end up with great pictures! Consider this idea a win-win-win!
The lads and Ellen AND her kids had a brilliant Christmas.
2) The Gift of Tradition and Time Together
Never underestimate the power of unplugging. Erin’s family kicks it old school with a new puzzle every year. After they work as a family to put it together, then they mount it, and use it for a Christmas decoration the following year. A foolproof plan for fun and festive flair!
We both also give games. Sure, one might argue that our deeply rooted competitive natures might be at the heart of this one, but we offer this counter-argument. The Great Scrabble Rout of 2007? The Epic Camel Slaughter in Parcheesi? The time the four year old won the UNO tournament? These memories all rival any trip we have ever taken in the annals of family fun. So bottom line, you can think what you want. And if you are coming over this Christmas, be prepared to pick a card.
3) The Gift of Memory
Each year we both work our Shutterfly accounts like a boss to create calendars with pictures from the past year to guide us through the new one. We also both make family yearbooks. Because we started blogging in 2011, Erin is a little behind so her family is getting the 2011 yearbook this Christmas. Resist the urge to point out that we are now in the fleeting days of 2013. She knows. She KNOWS!
4) The Gift of Acknowledgment
Every year Erin’s kids pick someone who has been an angel to their family. Then they give a plate of cookies and an angel ornament to that person. The conversation as they decide who to pick each year is a gift to them all as they realize how many wonderful people they have in their life.
5) The Gift of Each Other
As a general rule, the best gifts don’t actually fit in a box or bag. When Erin’s kids were young, they spontaneously created a play one Christmas Eve. Even as the kids have crossed over into Planet Teen, they have never given up creating a special performance for that night. It is, without question, the best gift Steve and Erin get all year and they are really hoping that one of the videos from these performances will hit it big on Youtube. Then it can keep on giving all the way to the Ivy League. How’s that for a Christmas wish?
But that’s not all.
Our trees are trimmed to the nines with handprints, school pictures, and handicrafts of all skill levels. Our schedules are crammed with band concerts and Christmas plays and choral recitals. Our houses are full of trays of cookies, homemade decorations, and gingerbread houses.
Apparently when boys outgrow gingerbread houses, they get creative and start crafting things on their own. Like the TARDIS from DOCTOR Who.
We know that this is the good stuff. So we clean up the glitter glue and the paper confetti on the floor, work our crockpots to the max to get dinner to the masses before each performance, and buy more cookie sheets to keep our little cookie sweat shops cranking. The big wide world will be taking these kids soon enough.
For now, we will just take a deep breath, enjoy the chaos, and be grateful for our gifts.
And if none of this helps, we have found that nothing will help you get your holiday spirit on like a reluctant angel.
In the beginning, our trip to Pittsburgh to visit family was shaping up to be a lovely moment on the timeline of our lives. My sister, Karen, had finally moved within a distance we could drive on a single tank of gas. She had a new job, a new baby, and a new house under contract. So my husband, Steve, and I loaded up the minivan with our crew of five and pointed her west. Spring Break looks a little different once you’ve traded bikinis for, well, Pittsburgh, but we had high expectations for album-worthy memories on this trip. Which meant there was only way it could go: down in flames. And spectacularly so.
Fate laughs in the face of such hubris.
Trouble started brewing on Friday night, when Eddie (2) started vomiting. There is no faster way to become persona non grata in someone’s home than to start chewing through their linens. My poor sister had been a mom for about 10 minutes, but she was torn. It’s all fun and games until someone needs a bucket.
We had just dropped Patient Zero in the middle of her lovely new home. I could see her mind click through her options: Grab her own child a la Sally Field in “Not Without My Daughter”, kick mine to the curb, or re-create a scene from Outbreak complete with tenting and masks.
My sister may or may not have been thinking this!
Um, we started packing.
At this point, I was harboring a fantasy that the exorcism coming from my child really was the result of his licking the bathroom floor at the rest stop as Charlie (8) suggested. I was packaging this spin for my sister and her husband, Dan, when Victim 2 fell. And hard. The siege was underway.
Pittsburgh is about five horrible, evil, ugly hours from home when you’re under attack. I’m gonna spare you the details, but leave you with this image: Steve pulled the car into the driveway after a looooooooong drive on the Puking Parkway from Pittsburgh and promptly tossed his cookies on the front lawn. Where’s a white flag when you really need one??
This was Saturday night. Easter morning was a mere 6 hours away. So in addition to Eddie, Ace (12) was down, Steve was down, and the other three kids were dropping like flies. We could have used a quarantine sign and some yellow tape.
What did this seemingly sane woman do then? Start wrapping and assembling Easter baskets. It was me against the clock. But much like the scene with Steve hours before, I succumbed right about the time I nestled the last chocolate egg in its basket.
Dawn rose on a day with two parents completely incapacitated. It was not looking good for an Easter miracle, but thank every lucky star in the sky for the resilience of boys when candy is on the line! Ace (12) who not 6 hours earlier had been wrapped around a toilet bowl had regained his usual step. He had no idea what I had in store for him.
Bottom Line: Sonny Boy got a huge promotion, complete with bunny ears and bragging rights. I felt like a stage mom pushing my baby into the spotlight, “You can do it, honey! Just think positive thoughts.” To be frank, I was too sick to move so it was more like gesturing and mumbling, but, whatever, he was my Chosen One.
No childhood innocence was lost in the making of this memory. At least, I hope not. I actually have no recollection of that day, but Ace even took pictures. It happened.
Is this not the most pathetic looking child you have ever seen?
Postscript: The virus took down my sister’s whole family viciously within hours of our hasty retreat. Dan still uses The Great Pittsburgh Easter Plague as the yardstick to measure all other illnesses. In fact, he was completely unsympathetic when another virus took us all down last year.
And I did get my album-worthy memory after all. Mostly because Dan won’t let me forget it.
Here’s the deal. Between January 31st and February 11th, both of us have birthdays and so do our husbands, so by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around this is pretty much how we feel:
Now don’t go calling us the Grinches of Valentine’s Day. We’re just tired of spending and doing by the time the 14th rolls round. Seriously, it’s hard enough mustering enthusiasm for birthdays once you high-five forty, but birthdays lurking along less than 50 days after Christmas? Meh. And then Valentine’s Day about a week later? Well, Sweet Brown up there expressed it best. We’re turning to our old pal Pintershizz to find —
10 Things Pintershizz We Don’t Have Time For on Valentine’s Day
1. Going out to dinner.
Does this surprise you? In theory it sounds good and we do love date nights with our husbands. However, Valentine’s Day is like amateur night: the menus are often fixed, the prices are hiked, and the service is lousy because the poor wait staff is running ragged fluttering those rose petals over champagne toasts. Give us a random Friday night out instead and we’ll swoon. Plus, Ellen still hasn’t gotten over the memory of the V-Day about 21 years ago when she and her husband got the worst case of food poisoning they have ever endured. The restaurant was named Il Fiore, but will forever be known as The ILL Fiore to Ellen and Frank.
You might consider al fresco dining as a way to beat the crowds, but it is February, People. A table for two outside can quickly turn into gurneys for two in the Emergency Room. Because frostbite. Unless you’re in the tropics and then why are you reading this post? It’ gorgeous, get outside. Pinterest source.
2. Flowers
Okay, now maybe we ARE vying for the title of “Grinches of Valentine’s Day,” but flowers on V-day just seem so trite, and well, easy. And oh my goodness, they are expensive. Just surprise us with daisies on a random day in June and use the rest of the flower fund to make us some spare keys for our vans so we have a 60% chance of getting out of the house on time.
Get a bonus King Kong sized box of Claritin if you order right now with promo code: thismakesmethinkyouareguiltyaboutsomething. Pinterest source.
3. Torture devices passing as sexy
Okay, we like sexy just as much as the next girl, but if it is going to cause us the discomfort of a thousand cactus needles being shoved under our fingernails while simultaneously enduring Justin Beiber piped directly into our craniums, then you can just throw that mess onto the Pintershit pile, too.
On second thought, maybe these will keep Pushy Peggy from running up on our junk in the Walmart checkout line. Pinterest source.
4. Lingerie
C’mon. Who’s the lingerie really for? Is it really a gift for us? See above if you’ve forgotten that quickly how we feel about sexy items passing for torture devices. Take Granny’s advice—nothing says sexy louder than a girl who is comfortable in her own skin panties—emphasis on the comfortable.
Is it underwear or washable birth control? Pinterest source.
5. Man Costumes
No!! Just because we said that lingerie was not exactly a gift for us, we didn’t mean our men had to dress up! This does not qualify as a gift either . . . although there is the gift of laughter to consider.
Want to see my toaster streudal? Pinterest source.
6. Geekery Fashion
We know we’ve just been yucking it up with the granny panties and with lederhosen, but Valentine’s Day really isn’t the time for gag gifts. If it makes you snicker in the store, just walk away or throw it on the Pintershizz bonfire.
It’s a puzzle, it’s a purse, no, it’s a bad idea. Pinterest source.
7. Things to Make Homemaking Easier
Get it together! No appliances are to be given on Valentine’s Day! Even a vacuum this cool can’t get you out of the doghouse . . . unless it comes with a FULL TIME housekeeper à la The Brady Bunch. So to clarify: any appliance without an “Alice” is Pintershizz.
The only thing that will be wanted if we receive appliances for Valentine’s Day is us . . . for murder. Pinterest source.
8. Sweets
We can hear you saying, “What is wrong with you two? What is so bad about candy on Valentine’s Day?” Well, let’s just say we’ve been working really hard trying to beat the post-40 bulge and we don’t actually want to fit into those granny panties.
Nope. No jewelry in here, only diabeetus. Pinterest source.
9. The Love Toilet
Do we really have to explain why this is Pintershizz? C’mon, you’re better than that!
What better way to spend $1400 than to pave your way to divorce court? Pinterest source.
10. The Wine Purse
What did we say about tacky gag gifts . . . wait a minute. This is pure genius! Write this one down.
Making friends at PTA meetings since 2014. Pinterest source.
So what will we accept on Valentine’s Day since we have just poo-pooed a ton of the classics and then some? Well,we’d never turn away jewelry.
Earrings always fit no matter how much Halloween/Christmas/Valentine’s Day candy you indulge in. Pinterest source.
Unless it looks like this! Get your head in the game!
Their dreams of us making supplemental income as voodoo priestesses are just gonna have to die. Maybe we could sell their baseball cards instead? Pinterest source.
The direct route to the romance-filled center of our hearts? A night away—No! A weekend away!—fully planned by our hubbies INCLUDING arrangements for the kids and pets. That last piece of planning is what makes this the true gift of romance. Can we get an “Amen”? But even the gazillion points they would earn by scheduling babysitting would be cancelled out if they took us here.
Nothing is more romantic than hanky-panky in a drainpipe. Pinterest source.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the oh-so-easy-to-please Sensible Sisterhood!
Nothing we love here in The Sisterhood more than a great party and some good eats.
One Drink! Two Drinks!! Three Drinks!!!
Thank goodness that between the two of us, there are plenty of holidays and birthdays to go around. Ellen has a chance to show off her cake -making skills. . .
There’s a veritable barnyard of cute animals Ellen’s crafted out of fondant and sugar, but this one’s Erin’s favorite.
. . . and Erin’s husband Steve does too. Erin thanks her lucky stars every year that her in-laws owned a Carvel franchise for years and taught her husband how to handle a pastry bag.
He can freelance like nobody’s business too. He drew this one at the beach using a sandwich baggy and some homemade icing.
You wanna know what else they share besides some serious cake-making skills?? The same birthday. February 9th. They were born ON. THE. SAME. DAY. Yeah, we know, it’s freaky. Especially when Erin says that their voices sound the same in her head.
Oh, and our dear friend Mary’s son was born on February 9th too. When Mary was on bed rest, she gave Ellen and Frank her season tickets to see “Chicago” at the Wilmington Opera House, so that they could have a date night out to celebrate Ellen’s birthday. As Frank and Ellen were watching the curtain come up, Lil’ G was making his debut.
Do you hear what we are laying down?? Three special people in The Sisterhood share the same birthday! We might as well turn this into an official Sisterhood holiday. What, you say, this is barely a reason for a holiday?
Well, in addition to the crazy coinciding of the birthdays, this year February 9th has been attracting activities and events to it like a Kardashian to some media coverage. We would like to offer our calendars as Exhibits A, B, C, and D, but the paper ones are unreadable and the electronic ones are groaning from the data we keep trying to input. Erin may not be the technology-whisperer, but she can hear her iPhone saying, “Put me down, girl. I’ve had enough. I can’t take any more.”
Still not buying it? Well, February is a month for dubious holidays anyway. Perhaps snow does not just make you blind, but deaf, dumb, and stark-raving mad as well. These February holidays all started out honorably enough, but they have strayed far from their noble roots. Mardi Gras is now just an excuse to make bad decisions all day long. And Presidents’ Day? A ruse to spend one last day on the slopes (not that we’re complaining) or to buy a new mattress.
Yep. We think you’re awesome, Abe. Too bad they have you schlepping new Sertas!
Groundhog Day? Puh-leez! Phil saw his shadow this year, so you know what that means?? Bupkis. NADA. Nothing. Dust off your 5th grade science book or steal your kid’s iPad: that’s not how weather works. Sorry if this rains on your happy dance parade because you thought spring was right around the corner. It is. It’s called March.
And don’t even get us started on Valentine’s Day. There’s the Hallmark version: St. Valentine, hearts, love, letters, chocolates . . . well, you know. Then there’s the real story: Pope Gelasius got a little slaphappy bestowing sainthood on people and included Valentine in with a bunch of other saints, saints like St. George of “St. George and the Dragon” fame. We don’t have to tell you that this got a little awkward seeing as how dragons are a little hard to rustle up. Anyway, the pope validated his batch of questionable picks by saying that they were men “whose acts are known only to God”. Nice umbrella there, Pope G, hope it shields you from the flurry of chocolates and greeting cards headed your way.
Not this type of unicorn
Anyway, we think February 9th has as much legitimate claim to a holiday status as, say, a groundhog who forecasts weather or a knight who slays dragons in the English countryside. If Pope Gelasius had kept going, we might be painting rainbows and hearts in homage to Saint Unicorn-Wrangler.
So, what’s wrong with lobbying for February 9th as a Sisterhood Siesta? It could be a a day to do nothing. Hang out, sleep in, eat cake, relax. Whatever. The Holiday of Meh. For two girls who have yet to find a blank spot on their calendars, this sounds like heaven.
Besides, Ellen could use some cheering up. Remember what we just said about Ellen and Mary’s little boy being birthday buddies? On his first birthday, Ellen gave him a tool box and has been filling it on his special day ever since. This year, Ellen was proactive, organized, and way ahead of the game. Because the universe has a twisted sense of humor, Ellen was bound to be drop-kicked on her little overachieving butt for this forethought and productivity. The supercool pair of light-up work goggles she found for Mary’s little boy and bought for him BEFORE Christmas? Well, they are gone. G-O-N-E. Like no trail to follow, no stones to overturn, NOWHERE. We can wish for a happy day when Ellen unpacks them from her Christmas decorations in December, but it’s not likely. They seemed to have been swallowed up by the black hole that exists in our homes since the birth of our kids.
You know what would make her feel better? A day off to look for them. Or not. Whatever.
At the very least, we can all offer some sincere birthday wishes to these three special people without whom The Sisterhood would be a much less fun, funny, and sweet place! Happy birthday, Ellen, Steve (Happy Big 4-0!!) , and Lil’ G!
Oh, and just to keep it real, a bonus birthday anecdote from Erin’s birthday last week:
Ellen calls to check in on some blog stuff.
Erin:Oh, I don’t know if I’ll have time to finish that. The family is taking me out to dinner for my birthday.
Ellen: But I thought your birthday was January 31st.
Erin:Today IS January 31st.
Don’t forget to vote for us as one of the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mom Blogs. Just click the little pink button below. It takes just a minute! Push us, push us real good into the Top 25!
Thanks! Erin and Ellen
You can vote once per 24 hours until February 13th. So click it, so we can quit begging!
This week’s Monday Listicle is 10 Things In Your Closets. We don’t know about you, but we might be a little bit behind in our closet cleaning . . . cleaning out the skeletons that is.
What kind of secrets were you expecting, sicko? Isn’t Ellen’s 80s hair scandalous enough?
Now wait! We see you getting all excited, grabbing the popcorn, and pulling up a chair. We’re not going to reveal that Ellen was a Bolivian black market KitchenAid mixer dealer or that Erin leads a double life as a Kool-Aid pusher (unless that Kool-Aid is Downton Abbey).
We’re talking more along the lines of closets harboring the skeletons of hobbies and projects past, the ghosts of times gone by, and the detritus from portions of our personalities that we try to keep under wraps. While it may not be in the same league as Lance Armstrong airing his dope-dripping laundry on Oprah, we’re throwing open the doors anyway.
10 Skeletons In Our Closets
Ellen
1. Imelda Marcos, much?
Don’t be fooled by my yoga pants. I have A LOT of shoes and some of them are even pretty hot. They should all be contained in that cubby of shelves, but since I gave my husband the one shelf for his, mine have had to invade other regions of the closet. Yes, I am blaming him. End of story.
The sign reads “There is always room for one more pair!” But that sign is a liar. A hoarding, dirty liar.
2. Sentimental streak.
You see my foyer coat closet? It is sized for a family of one and only if that one person lived in Florida and really had no need for anything beyond a rain jacket. It is packed to bursting with coats spilling over to a hall tree, yet I can’t get rid of this puffy pink snowsuit. Both of my girls wore that adorable thing and they are 12 and 14. I have even gone so far as to put it in a donation box not once, but twice. Each time I have rescued it at the last second. It is a bow that plucks at my heartstrings. Don’t roll your eyes. I chucked the high chair, binkies, and Candyland without blinking. Just ignore that box marked “Toddler Halloween Costumes.” I’m going to use them to dry my tears when they leave for college.
Ovary aching sweetness or Hoarders cry for help?
3. Jewelry making is a virtue. Or does it bring out my flaws?
I used to make jewelry all of the time. I went to beads shows, I subscribed to jewelry-making magazines, and I would hate to tally up the cost of the findings, beads, and tools that I have amassed. But I haven’t made a piece of jewelry in over three years. I could blame motherhood, but I took up the hobby when my girls were toddlers. I could blame blogging, but that has only been going on for a year. What’s really to blame? It’s that little flaw/virtue of my personality known as perfectionism. I loved my creations, but the creating made me want to throat punch a troll, or I guess more aptly, a troll bead.
So what do you do with a hobby that feels like work, but has too much worth to chuck? Shove it into your closet.
It’s cheaper to just buy jewelry when you factor in the cost of a nervous breakdown.
4. Ellen is SEW crafty.
Boy, do I have the supplies! But I really don’t want to over-sell myself, I’m really just Master of the Straight Seam. There was a Toto costume back in the Spring of ’05, but my therapist says it’s best just to tamp that memory down and never speak of it again. But what is really highlighted here is my reign as Queen of Unfinished Projects. See those brackets above those lovely cafe curtains in my bathroom that I finished a mere three years ago? They should hold a swag. Heh, heh, Swag. I’m just going to holler, “YOLO!” and move on.
Why yes, that is a dead plant in the foreground
5. The harbinger of a new era! An era of finished projects!
This is where it all changes: the laundry closet project! It was ever so wisely embarked upon the week before Christmas when it’s progress was halted by my flu-slide-into-the-most-killer-sinus-infection-ever sickness. But as Tide is my witness, I WILL see this through to the end. Watch for the next installment of Pintershit to read all about it. (But you shouldn’t hold your breath. Just sayin’.)
Erin
6. Treasure Trove of Trucks
Hess Trucks are super-fun toys. For me, they are also part of a family Christmas Tradition lasting almost 40 years. I love that my dad is continuing this tradition with my kids. We treat these presents about 1000% better than every other toy that comes through the door, especially any that light up. I am a true fan, but should they really be taking up so much valuable real estate? This collection doesn’t just span 15 plus years, it spans the entire width and breadth of the boys’ closet.
Note to Readers: Lack of wide angle lens makes collection appear smaller than actual size.
7. Do Your Best
Neckerchiefs, Hats, and a Bag of Badges on Master Bedroom top shelf
. . . to refrain from mocking or finger-pointing after this confession. . .
I am a full-on, sleeves-rolled-up, hiking, biking, camping, smores-making Cub Scout leader. In my Behind-the-Music (Don’t mock! We can all dream. I still have 40 years to check this one off my bucket list!), there would be a fair amount of time (10 years and counting!) dedicated to my time in Scouting. With 3 of my boys (the littlest has yet to join the pack), I have led Tigers, Wolves, and Bears (oh, my!) and served every position there is in a Cub Scout pack. I don my brown shirt with pride (although I bought it post-baby sized for a nursing décolletage I no longer possess). My garage is also full of two storage shelves full of scout stuff and I used to have two push-carts in our shed out back, but those are posts for another day. I am all in!!
Check out all the cool things I have done with the boys! Oh, and my uber-hawtness! Nothing better than a girl in uniform. Just sayin.
8. Shutterbug
Me loves some, me precious!! The way Ellen joneses for shoes, imagine me and photography stuff. The ONLY good thing that came from losing my camera bag was that my dear photographer friends introduced me to the two great photography websites, Adorama and B &H . It will make securing that wide angle lens my heart is now set on so much easier to obtain.
My little stash. Room for SOOOOOO Much More.
9. It’s Not What’s Inside That Counts
My kids have the grace of a herd of stampeding elephants. When they were little, closet doors succumbed to their indelicate touch on a daily basis. So I did what any self-respecting Momma would do: I ripped those suckers off their hinges. It has worked out great, and I never thought about it again until Biddie’s 14th birthday this year. When asked what she would like to celebrate this special milestone, did she ask for a laptop, an iPhone, or a Visa card? Hellz, no. “Well, some closet doors might be nice.” Parenting fail.
All A Girl Wants Is Some Closet Doors!
10. Oh, No She Didn’t!
. . .Want a Wedding, that is. Absolutely not. Well, I wanted a wedding—I was a girl in love after all—but I was none too sure about all the rest of it. If Pinterest had been around back then, it probably would have sent me into cardiac arrest or straight to a psychiatrist’s couch. After Steve talked me into letting him buy me an engagement ring, he then talked me into a wedding, and you know what? I loved it all! I thought my wedding was beautiful and meaningful. I thought my reception was a blast. But, in the end, the things I was head over heels for (besides Steve, of course!) were my dress and my veil. Perhaps that is why my veil box is taking up a full corner of the smallest master closet known to man. Who knows? But check out these pictures!! That is one happy girl then! And now!
Silly Wabbit, veils are for girls!!
Thanks again to Stasha for giving us the time and space for some much-needed catharsis! Make sure you take a moment to check out all the great bloggers linked up to Monday Listicles this week. They are always good fun! Erin and Ellen
Monday Listicles this week is “10 Best Movie Quotes” as suggested by the fabulous, funny and sensible Ally from Just A Normal Mom. So you know what that means? We got the husbands involved again just like we did for the James Bond post.
Erin:In addition to this just being fun, we learned something about our marriages, even after all these years . . .
Ellen: And we are talking years! I have 19 years and Erin has 16 years notched on the old garter belts.
Erin:Don’t do the math, people! As far as you know, we were child brides.
Ellen: That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it. Anyway, my husband and I have a short hand, semi-secret, vernacular based on movie quotes! I never really realized it until writing this post.
Erin:Steve and I do the same thing!
Ellen: Do other couples do this??
Erin:Hard to say, but let’s just assume our semi-secret code will be secret no more.
The Marital Code of Movie Quotes
Ellen and Frank
1.“O’Doyle Rules!”
Usage — (1) To proclaim superiority when crushing someone else (2) Ending to a conversation involving waxing poetic about our awesomeness.
Remember the bullish family of kids who plagued Billy Madison with acts of obnoxiousness at nearly every grade level as he took his speedy second chance run through his entire 12 years of school and always bellowed “O’Doyle Rules!”? That’s us. Sort of.
Whenever we crush at something major like UNO, Trivial Pursuit, or swimming pool water blaster fights, we always exclaim, “O’Doyle Rules!” But truly we say it with love and mostly to each other.
We also end our (private) conversations where we catch ourselves congratulating ourselves for our fabulosity with this little proclamation. Helps us keep our obnoxiousness from spilling over into the public arena. You’re welcome.
2. “Imagine it.”
Usage — (1) Usually uttered by Frank when Ellen has the audacity to complain that he is blocking her view of the TV, parade, shoe sale rack, etc. (2) Less likely to provoke a rabbit punch when used to indicate you’re not sure how something is going to end.
All you need to know is that The Skulls is about the worst elitist frat boy ever who utters this to a girl whose view he was blocking at a rowing race.
Scene -Generically Pretty Blonde (GPB) sitting there chilling and taking in a rowing race, like we all like to do. Paul Walker’s character, Caleb Mandrake (I know, right?) struts over like a rooster on Viagra and plops in front of her. Like 2 inches in front of her, because, you know, he’s super cool.
GPB: “Hey, Caleb, I can’t see.”
Caleb (without turning around): “Imagine it.”
Okay, I admit it, he IS cool.
3. “When do you drink vodka?”“Whenever.”
Usage — Mostly used by Frank to express an unknown completion date of some task.
To really get this gem, you have to hear the “Whenever” deadpanned in Allison’s (Ally Sheedy) voice.
“Frank, when are you going to take out the trash?” “Whenever.”
“Frank, when are you going to take out the live dead Christmas tree?” “Whenever.”
“Frank, when would you like to get busy?” “Whenev . . . wait!”
4. “Fear does not exist in this dojo!” “Yes, Sensei!”
Usage — A frequent (humorous) pep talk gem given before tests, games, and performances.
Frank to the girls before a swim meet: “Concentrate on your turns and swim hard into the wall. Fear does not exist in this dojo!” His ABSOLUTE dream is for the girls to one day respond, “Yes, Sensei!” IF this ever happens he will declare himself the winner of parenthood and exit the building.
5.“Lighten up, Francis”
Usage — What do you think it means?? Isn’t it obvious or are you daft or something?? Geez!!
Frank may or may not frequently use this, because Ellen may or may not frequently need to lighten up.
Erin and Steve
6. “There’s no crying in baseball.”
Usage — (1) Steve to the crew whenever they start sniveling or whining about something or, you know, “forget to use that thing three feet above their a$%.” (Direct quote that precedes this one in the movie) (2) Steve to Erin when she has left the ranch.
Five kids means that we have more than our share of whining. This is how we shut it down.
Steve is such a ridiculously spot-on mimic that when he channels Tom Hanks as he says this, you want to wipe your nose on your sleeve, pull your stuff together, and make the play (not the throw to home with a tw0-run lead, but you get my drift). Pronto.
7. “Let it go, Indiana.”
Usage — (1) Used to break a child out of an obsession (2) Used to stop Erin (or sometimes Steve, but let’s be fair, it’s usually Erin) in the middle of a rant.
Your family may not have fallen under the power of Minecraft yet, but it is the Dark Master of Timesuck around here. We have tried all sorts of systems to control the tech time, but it’s a painful weaning from this particular game EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. We use this phrase most often when trying to pry the keyboard from the kung-fu grip of a tween boy.
Of course, it’s equally at play trying to bring Erin down off a ledge or out of her tree.
Erin uses it most often to stop Steve from playing Civilization, the adult equivalent of Minecraft. (Note to readers: Do not buy this game for your husband for his birthday.)
8. “You’re killing me, Smalls.”
Usage — (1) Used almost exclusively on a kid who has proven either clueless, exasperating, or both (2) Also used as a verbal high five for a funny.
Our life provides endless opportunities to throw this one around. In fact, we like it so much we have given it a second life as a mark of admiration for some clever punny-ness.
Erin heard they started putting this saying on t-shirts. She would not turn down a gift like that. Just saying.
9. “I don’t know, Margo.”
Usage — (1) Used between Erin and Steve to answer a question that could be deemed snarkastic (2) Occasionally used to answer any question, because it’s just so darn funny.
Todd and Margo are the yuppie neighbors to the Griswolds. This phrase is appropriate any time someone is packing ‘tude or piling some edginess on a stack of sass. In fact, we just used this one today when discussing the basketball schedule for the 9 year old. Now, Erin is not saying who was bringing the Margo and who had to sling the Todd, but everyone is still standing and talking to each other so we are counting that as a victory.
You really do have to say it just like Todd though, so here’s the clip just in case you have been living in a bomb shelter and haven’t seen this Chevy Chase Christmas classic movie.
10. “Francisco. That’s fun to say.”
Usage — (1) bringing on a laugh in the middle of a tense moment (2) talking a teen off that hormonal ledge (3) Any time you want to inject some funny, like on the 1000 miles of car trips we took over Christmas break.
Oh, Elf, is an awesome movie for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that it brought this phrase into our life. Truly, this is the parental equivalent of the bomb squad for diffusing the landmines in our living room, our car, wherever.
It induces a laugh. Every. Single. Time.
Thank you once again to Stasha for hosting the fabulous Monday Listicles every week. We love the writers we meet there every week, so make this the week you actually click the link and check it out.
For as Yoda says, “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.” See what we did there? We can’t help ourselves. Happy Monday from Ellen and Erin.
And an extra Happy Monday to Erin’s daughter who you know as Biddie. She turns 14 today. Here’s one of Erin’s favorite Happy Birthday movie clips just for her from Uncle Buck.
Erin: Last week in The Sisterhood we had a very Freaky Friday, er, Saturday, kind of thing going on. The kind of thing that made me want to do something like this . . .
Ellen put a kibosh on this one. Especially since she ended up with the better end of the deal.
Ellen: Excuse me if I thought running full speed at each other into full-on belly slams was excessive, but maybe you would have gotten a concussion so you could‘ve forgotten about your Saturday. And forgotten about whining.
Erin:It was all over holiday decorating. In particular, the tree. My family has tree-getting down to an art. If it’s not quite Norman Rockwell, it is definitely good enough for Facebook bragging.
Ellen: This would normally be the point where I would scoff and ridicule, because Frank and I are traditionally The Home Depot sort of tree buyers. We don’t even take the kids with us. Don’t judge or the Elf on the Shelf will get you. He hates self-righteousness as much as he seems to enjoy seeing all of his pranks archived on Pinterest. But not this year! We went full-on Christmas tree farm!
Erin:Didn’t you love it? I have fond memories from Decembers past of packing up the crew in their festive holiday garb — sometimes there are even hats — and heading to a local tree farm. We make a total day of it. Picking out the tree. Playing on the hay bales, singing carols, drinking hot chocolate, taking the classic poses by cardboard Santa measuring how much we have grown . . .
Ellen: And there it is.
Erin:What?
Ellen: My reason to pull your antlers. Singing carols in holiday hats? Did this really go down or are you remembering a Hallmark Hall of Fame Christmas special?
Erin:Oh, I have the pictures to prove it.
You know if you had hats as cool as these you’d wear them too! Unless you’re Ellen.
Ellen: Sometimes you make my snarky bone hurt, but I see your goofy hat and raise you a nuclear reactor, helicopter rides, playgrounds, pony rides . . . and a teepee.
Erin:Are you sure you didn’t just cut a tree down on the set of Red Dawn?
The whole parade was delightful, but check out that eagle!
Ellen: No. On this gift of a perfect weather day, we went to Coleman’s Christmas Tree Farm — after attending our first local Christmas parade, which was delightful. Coco’s (14) high school marching band did such a great job. We had the absolute best day. It WAS Norman Rockwell — on steroids.
Erin:So how does a self-proclaimed Home Depot devotee happen upon such a place?
Ellen: We ended up there last year out of desperation. We got jammed and weren’t able to get our tree until the 15th. Every depot, mini-mart, and scout stand was all sold out. Unless this was your dream tree.
Visions of Charlie Brown trees swirled through her head.
Ellen – Per tradition, Frank and I were by ourselves when magic Google found Coleman’s for us. We did have the parental decency to feel a wee bit shameful on the awesome wagon ride out to the field. Frank muttered, “This would probably be fun for the girls.”
So bam! We did it this year and it was epically fun. We are converts! Just look at my man harvesting our tree.
No chainsaw for us! It’s like we ARE a Norman Rockwell painting.
Erin:I’m woman enough to admit that I’m feeling a twee bit of evil towards you. Sort of like the evil vortex that hung over my whole tree day and sucked the Norman Rockwell right out of it. I suspected there might be trouble when they ALL woke up cranky. That’s a rarity. There’s usually at least one chipper bird in my nest of five. Instead, they all looked like this. . .
I wish I was kidding. They were just short of snorting fire and breathing venom.
Ellen: You need to learn when to tamp down your Mom-on-a-Mission tendencies.
Erin:Oh no. This was THE day, and no mounting evidence to the contrary was gonna change my mind. So we packed the camera and the cranky kids and headed to our favorite farm. Holiday spirit be damned: we were getting our tree today.
Ellen: I can’t imagine why things went downhill.
Erin:Well, once we got there, that ball of crap we were rolling really started to pick up steam. The minivan doors open and Charlie (11) sneak attacks Deacon (9) and boots him into a puddle of mud. This breach of familial etiquette causes Deacon to let off a scream completely incongruous to the event that had just transpired. (Just for the record, my vocabulary expands exponentially the pissier I get. When I start spewing 4 syllable words—Run!) Nothing says fa-la-la-la like halting the fun with a public time out in the middle of a parking lot full of witnesses.
Ellen: The towel should have been thrown in before you even left the house, Ms. Intractable. See, I know big words too.
Erin:Just wait. Five minutes later, everyone is roughhousing on the hay bales and the kids are clamoring to get their pictures taken in front of cardboard Santa. As I whip out the camera and back-pedal quickly because all I have is my zoom lens since I lost my camera bag, my jingle bells jangle even more because I have forgotten the SD card. Are you kidding me!?! My head pounds like the little drummer boy on Mountain Dew as I frantically check my purse and the car for the missing card. At this point, my husband lobs a live grenade with his not-so-subtle jab at my forgetfulness, “Are you pregnant?”
Ellen: Seems legit . . . given the circumstances.
Erin:As Steve ducks to avoid the holiday left hook aimed for his head, the 14 year old girl child remembers that she has her iPod touch with her. Unfortunately, she drained it listening to One Direction on a continuous loop, so it’s zero help. Three pictures later, and this mess was recorded for posterity.
Ellen: Barely. Did you think to use your phone? Oh, that’s right. I had to give you instructions yesterday on how to take pictures with my phone . . . that is exactly like your phone.
Erin:Perhaps. Or it could be that I was distracted by the 5 year old nosediving off the hay bale. Amid the screams and recriminations, we put this stinker of a day down. Once and for all. There was a little lot of pre-cut trees right beside the barn. We wandered over with our spirits broken, pointed at one that looked about the right size, and we. were. done.
End Scene
Ellen: Just to be clear, I’m not trading days with you. Besides our end products were equally yuletide-y and this will all fade from everyone’s memory . . .
Erin:If we hadn’t written a post about it.
Ellen: That’s okay. The true secret of Christmas is you need a little Bah Humbug to make the joy all that more joyful.
Erin:And now you’ve made MY snarky bone hurt.
Which tree is Ellen’s and which tree is Erin’s? Hint: Erin’s is missing its topper. Ellen thinks it eloped with Erin’s missing camera bag.
Despite the fact that Sean Connery was always trying to distance himself from the role that made him famous, the WORLD is crazy about Bond. So crazy in fact that the 50th anniversary of the release of Doctor No—the world’s first introduction to the cinematic Bond (the literary Bond had already been around for a decade)— warrants mass merry-making on the web and in the real world.
Ellen and Frank saw Skyfall on opening night. If you were so inclined to give Frank the title of “Biggest Fan”, he wouldn’t refuse it.
We are super-happy to make our list of 10 Things Bond, because it’s like having a little Hollywood party of our own. Our husbands are true Bond fans and, to be honest, they practically wrote this list for us. Although Steve and Frank rattled off Bond trivia like Aston Martin Headlight Machine Guns, both agreed that Bond IS his classic one-liners. After this list, we are true believers in the value of their fan-dom.
Connery claimed that if you removed all of Bond’s “exotic touches” all you had was a “dull, prosaic gentleman.” Why are you hating on your gravy train, Sean? We disagree, Sir Bond Basher! Have you seen Daniel Craig? Bond is sexy, funny, naughty, naughty, naughty. And punny.
Ten Bond Zingers
1. Poor Ian Fleming died of a heart attack a month before Goldfinger was released, so he didn’t get to see his baby on the big screen. We realize that Bond himself did not deliver this line, but it is such a classic that it has to be included. Strapped to a table with a laser perilously closing in, Bond stalls for time, and Goldfinger delivers the iconic retort.
Bond: “Do you expect me to talk?”
Goldfinger: “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.”
2. So much of what makes a Bond one-liner great is that which goes unspoken. Connery’s facial expression during this scene is just as priceless as the banter with the well-endowed Plenty O’Toole.
Plenty: “Hi, I’m plenty.”
Bond: “Of course, you are.”
Plenty: “Plenty O’Toole.”
Bond: “Named after your father perhaps.”
3. Goldfinger was a darn good Bond film. This moment between Honor Blackman and Sean Connery is one of the most classic in the land of Bond-dom. Bond has been drugged by Goldfinger and is emerging from his narcoleptic fog when he sees the lovely Miss Blackman.
Bond: “Well, who are you?”
Pussy: “My name is Pussy Galore.”
Bond: “I must be dreaming.”
4. Poor George Lazenby only got to suit up as 007 once in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, but he did get to deliver this classic one-liner. As Bond and his wife Tracy (Surprise! Bond was married! No worries. Only true Bond Dorks know this stuff) were escaping from Blofeld’s henchmen on the slopes, one of the nameless henchmen falls into the snowblower blades and gets fricasseed. As the snowblower sprays his remnants over the landscape, Bond delivers this line.
Bond: “He had lots of guts.”
5. In the final moments of The Spy Who Loved Me, Roger Moore as Bond shares a “moment” with a beautiful Russian spy in an underwater escape pod. The Minister of Defense intrudes upon this intimate moment and Bond gets to deliver this line. That’s one fine way to end a movie.
Defense Minister: “Bond, what are you doing?”
Bond: “Keeping the British end up, sir.”
6. Dr. No is the first Bond film, and it started the craze for all things Bond. This classic car chase scene is one reason. In this scene, Bond is en route to Miss Taro following her invitation when he is ambushed by the Three Blind Mice. Bond’s stellar driving skills are on display as he expertly weaves his way through the Alps and then cruises his Sunbeam Alpine under a construction vehicle as his pursuers plummet to their death. (Girl note here: Recognize this car? Same one Grace Kelly drove in To Catch a Thief. Poor Cary Grant never saw her coming.) The fact that this car chase ends with a classic one-liner takes it to another level.
Construction worker: “Where do you think they were headed?”
Bond: “I think they were on their way to a funeral.”
7. Goldfinger is infinitely quotable. As Bond gets cozy with an agent trying to seduce him, a henchman tries to take him out. Bond pushes him into the full tub. As the henchman reaches for his gun, Bond throws a heating element into the tub and electrocutes him, then delivers this line. Note: Only Bond can make this stuff cool. Do not try this at home.
Bond: “Shocking, positively shocking.”
8. Ursula Andress in the famous “emerging from the water” scene is another reason Dr.No sparked world-wide Bond mania. It also provided a great chance for Bond to deliver another classic.
Ursula: “What are you doing here? Looking for shells?”
Bond: “I’m just looking.”
9. There are certain things true Bond fans know—the names of all his enemies, the cars he drove in all the movies, the Bond Girls—and then there is the stuff the rest of us know. One thing we all know is how Bond takes his favorite drink, the martini. “Shaken, not stirred.” Check out all the different Bonds ordering their favorite drink.
10. In the end, the most classic line, the line that everyone knows, remembers, and tries to duplicate with the same amount of effortless cool is Bond’s introduction itself: “Bond, James Bond.” When Sean Connery delivered this line first in Dr. No, a million fans, a movie franchise, and a style icon was born.
Want some more One-Liners? We have a category for that. Check out our Snorts!
Thanks once again to Stasha for her own brand of effortless cool. In honor of Bond, we might even dub them Her Majesty’s Monday Listicles, but no matter what you call them, they are a great place to read great writers and check out some fun lists.
And thanks to Anja from Cocalores who gave us our topic this week. She has a great blog about crafts, travel, and life. Check her out. Bond fans have to stick together.
—Erin and Ellen
Who do you think portrayed Bond best??
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Biddie(13) is a twee bit obsessed with a certain boy band from across the pond. She bought the One Direction video with money from her babysitting gig and conned Steve into watching it with her. This is the conversation I overheard.
Steve: “Do any of these guys play instruments?”
Biddie: “Oh, yeah. Harry plays the kazoo. And that one plays the triangle.”
Steve: “So they’re real musicians then.”
Thinking that their musical talent might not be the main draw. . .
