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5 Reasons You Should Take a Break From Your Kids. Bye Mom Guilt!

It seems like a good time for a refresher on Mom Guilt . . .

If a mother’s love can stretch to the moon and back, then her guilt zooms to Andromeda, twists itself into an origami sippy cup, snaps back to earth and smothers her like a smelly lovey blanket. Well, today is the day The Sisterhood is kicking that odiferous guilt quilt to the curb.

We all know THAT woman. The chick who spends an entire girls’ night out wringing her hands because she “should be home with her Baaaaay-by”. If you don’t know this woman you are either (A) Lucky or (B) THAT woman. But, honey, we are here for you! Repeat after us: “I need to recharge and work on my adult relationships. I am not a robot or a slave and, goshdarnit, other people besides my kids deserve my attention, including me.”

Time to start honoring, dare we even say relishing, the time we get to rejuvenate ourselves and our relationships or else we are just wasting everyone’s time.

Need some hardcore convincing? May we present . . .

1. Nobody wants to parent the center of the universe.

Conveying to your child day in and day out that she is the center of the world leaves a barren place for humility and empathy to take root. And think about how it feels for your kid when all of your focus is on him or her. Holy Anxiety! We all have great expectations for our kids, but sometimes our micromanaging can become stifling. A little time apart shows your child there are other things in your world. Just remember, you’re modeling how to be a happy and successful adult, too . . . but no pressure.

2. If you let the kids take over, it’s gonna get ugly—for both of you.

Kids are need monsters who desire nothing less than complete domination of that kingdom we call home. But let’s get a little perspective—are you really going to let a little Napoleon prevent you from having some time alone? He just pooped his pants an hour ago, should he really be calling the shots? And besides, having that much power can be frightening. It is a little disconcerting to be able to prevent mom from going out the door by throwing a batcrap crazy tantrum. Boundaries are not punishments, they are an integral part of parental love.

3. You need to love your partner more than your kids.

Boom. We said it. You heard it. But really listen to what we’re laying down. Kids can’t take you dancing or give you a lovely night out or uncork the wine bottle. And they should never be your emotional bedrock. Your partner staked a vested interest in your happiness and well-being before you started this family. Offering some return on that investment will only pay dividends in happiness and emotional well-being for the whole clan.

4. Your friends need attention too.

We all get by with more than just a little help from our friends. We aren’t just talking about carpools either. Good friends are like water and air and Sour Patch Kids (or is that just us?). Acknowledging and honoring how essential these relationships are now means that your girls will still be there for you later. Like when you need help hiding a body. (PTA meetings can be brutal.)

5. You need to honor yourself, your needs, and your dreams.

Kids need the best version of you. We are not talking about the perfectly waxed, superbly coifed, and supremely toned you. (Remember those days? We don’t.) We’re talking about the you that channels deep wells of Mother Theresa worthy patience, laughs in the face of Looney Tune-esque antics, and leaps tall buildings in a single bound or at least has the energy for a decent game of yard soccer. We’re talking about the you that happens when you are rested, understood, and your soul is fed on a deep metaphysical level.

Soooooooooooo. . . .

If you want to get a babysitter to write your blog, take a run, or get a haircut, just do it. Volunteer to save woodchucks, write the great American novel or break out the cocktails with a friend. Honor your needs, because you need to recharge and only YOU know what is gonna make that happen.

On the flip side? Don’t Judge!

If other people are taking time, don’t judge. Take notes on how she makes it happen! There is no medal for this tour of duty. Let us tell you once and for all: You do not win any Mother of the Year trophies, because there is no competition!

If you get the chance to be away from your precious ones, don’t spend that time fretting about what is going on at home. If you’re not refreshed to tackle your mom job when you actually get back home, then it’s nobody’s fault but your own. Girl, you know you’re back on duty the SECOND you walk through that door. Take your chance and run like hell or, in the beginning, baby step your way to a better, happier you.

We know it’s hard, but you have to get over the hassle of taking that first step. Go sit in a coffee house, grab a tapas with your girlfriends, or take an afternoon off to spend with a good book. They all offer you the same thing—a chance to do what makes you feel good. You will be a better mother for it, and these baby steps toward honoring yourself will prepare you for even bigger leaps like, gasp, going away with your husband. It’s work (we know the planning, the scheduling, and organizing can nearly kill you) but it’s worth it.

There’s a reason there’s a saying: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Kick Mom Guilt to the curb and grab your slice of happiness today.

-Ellen and Erin

5 Reasons You Should Take a Break From Your Kids, WITHOUT hand wringing.

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The Real Deal on Oil Pulling Plus Other Oral Fixations

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Oil pulling. Maybe you don’t know what that is because you don’t scroll through the internet like it’s your job? It sounds like what a dastardly comic book villain would do to hold the world ransom. All the world except for Prius owners; they would be safe.

But really, it is an old (maybe ancient) folk remedy where you swish a spoonful of sesame or coconut oil around in your mouth for a random twenty minutes and then spit it out. According to legend (the internet), your mouth will be healthier and your chances of winning the lottery will increase ten fold, but you won’t care because you’ll be sneezing diamonds.

Okay, maybe not all that, but there are lavish claims about how it pulls the toxins out your body curing everything from dry hair to arthritis to MS.

Um, nope.

First: Your gums are not semi-permeable membranes, nothing is getting pulled from your bloodstream through them. Thank goodness.

Second: Toxins just aren’t hanging out in your body. Your kidneys and liver make sure of that. Let’s give them the respect they deserve for all of their hard filtering work. Send them a thank you card or a pajamagram. Nothing says appreciation like a pajamagram.

All jesting aside, there is a connection between oral health and general health that all comes down to bacteria. Periodontal disease has been linked to coronary heart disease and anyone with heart valve issues must take antibiotics before getting dental work. When I was training as an OB/GYN, we were very concerned if our patients had bad teeth because it could be a risk factor for preterm labor.

So a healthy, clean mouth is not just a tag line for chewing gum, it’s important. And get this, oil pulling has been shown to reduce the bacterial count and inflammation in your mouth. The studies were small because, let’s face it, there are bigger fish to fry in terms of research dollars, but oil pulling is a pretty low risk endeavor. There is one study in India that used adolescent boys to compare mouthwash to oil pulling.

Choosing teen boys for a cleanliness study is kind of funny, right?

Anyway, it was found that both the mouthwash and oil pulling groups showed reduced bacterial counts, but the mouthwash group showed significant reduction in twenty-four hours, while the oil pulling group showed reduction after one week.

This is where my Little Scientific Soul trotted out to the barn to get her high horse. Why, WHY, would you oil pull when mouthwash was so much more efficient? It just didn’t make sense. A mouthful of gooey oil or two teaspoons of modern miracle?

And I was all poised to write about the ridiculousness of it all when my Little Scientific Soul paused from saddling up that horse and admonished, “Should you really knock it without trying it?”

I knew I had coconut oil somewhere. It took some serious cabinet diving, but I found it hanging out with the flax seeds and agave syrup gossiping about how I needed to lay off the Cheez-its.

On to the pulling! The general procedure is to take a tablespoon to a teaspoon of the oil and swish for twenty minutes.

I chose one teaspoon and had at it. By the way, you might be picturing this wrong. Coconut oil is a solid at room temperature, with a fluffy consistency and a pleasant aroma. Not drippy or greasy at all.

It must be delicious. It says so on the label.

Here’s the re-enactment:

Swish, swish, swish. This is okay. Swish, swish, swish. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Okay. Swish. Tick, tock. I’m gonna be sick. Spit. Sputter. Wow that was a loooonnng minute.

I made it one minute before I thought I was going to hurl. I thought, “That’s it. Oil pulling sucks.” And then I thought about how much I how to dig around to find the oil, so I checked the jar.

2009!

Word to the wise: Coconut oil five years past it’s expiration date might be a little nasty.

I’m a good scientist, if not a good housekeeper, so I tried again with fresh reagents.

With non-rancid oil, the pulling was not so bad. In fact, it was more than borderline pleasant. I tried to return to my usual swishing with Listerine after my oil pulling “experiment” and I couldn’t stand it. It felt like burning acid. And if I’m being honest, I never really used the mouthwash frequently anyway. Maybe because it was like burning acid.

However, there is no magic here. In my (non-extensive) literature search, I found indications that both coconut and sesame oils may have antibacterial/antifungal properties, but I could not find conclusive evidence that they work on the types of bacteria in the mouth. Most of the benefits of pulling probably come from increased attention to oral hygiene, the mechanics of swishing, and the bacteria becoming emulsified and removed.

Things to keep in mind:

Amount: You REALLY only need a teaspoon. I feel like it’s called pulling because it pulls a TON of saliva into your mouth. After about a minute, it’s really like swishing water, that is, if your oil is not rancid.
Type: Some people use sesame, some use coconut. Some get worked up over types: refined, unrefined, cold-pressed, or virgin. As I said above, the benefits are probably from the mechanics of it, so pick what tickles your tonsils.
Time: There is no research saying twenty minutes is best. It’s arbitrary and surprisingly tiring. I do five to ten and call it a successful swish.
Disposal: Spit it in the trash. Remember coconut oil is a solid at room temperature. Not good for the pipes and weird to explain to the plumber.
Swallowing: <Insert joke here.> Lots of articles make a big deal about NOT SWALLOWING THE TOXINS. But remember, you’re not drawing out any toxins and your stomach acid is pretty fierce, so if you swallow a little, you’re okay. Really.

So I’m a convert. Cue the choirs and stable my high horse for another day. But I felt unsatisfied. I was ready to roast some quackery! Lucky for you, my internet research threw these Pinterest Pintershizz gems in my path. Soooooo . . .

Oral Atrocities to Ridicule of Instead of Oil Pulling

1. iPhone Case

Maybe this is funny in a quirky sort of way if you’re a dentist or hygienist?? Maybe?? It is definitely a bad call–pun intended and relished–for a funeral director. And does the background of this picture look like a prison?

Pinterest Source

2. Hair Accessories

Even if you thought the phone case was kind of kitschy, you CANNOT think these are acceptable. Even the tooth fairy couldn’t pull these off unless she was ditching the pixie dust and preparing for her debut on Criminal Minds.

Pintereset Source

3. Tiny Portraits

These are real teeth. With portraits etched on them. Really. random. portraits.

Pinterest Source

4. Jewelry

For those people who are all like, “What am I going to do with a bowl full of tiny teeth portraits? Give me something I can use.”

Pinterest Source

5. That Which Should Not Be Allowed

For the evangelists amongst us who not only love oil pulling, but want the world to see! Like a washing machine, except totally and horrifically different.

Pinterest Source

Whew, I feel better now! These photos did what no amount of oil pulling could: flush the judgmental snark out of my system.

So what is your opinion of oil pulling?

-Ellen

Order your copy of “I Just Want to Be Alone” here. Hilarious stories about the men in our lives.

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9 Reasons to Embrace That Five(ish) Extra Pounds of Fluffiness

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You know what’s easier than making resolutions? Well, technically resolutions are fairly simple to make, it’s the keeping of them that gets thorny. But anyway, looking on the “plus side” of what you’ve got is MUCH easier than that whole goal making/self-improvement hoohaa. By the way, “plus side.” Get it? Because we’re ~~spin doctoring~~ talking about extra weight? Laughter is the best medicine, People, get on board.

So while we’re squeezing into our 2013 jeans because of holiday confectionery-bacon-whiskey-sour-slushy-roast-beast gluttony, we give you nine reasons we think it’s great to be a little fluffier.

1. You have no fear of ice! When you fall on your butt, you’ll bounce like a Bumble instead of cracking that tailbone. Even if you aren’t a klutz, a little extra cushion always comes in handy when you’re logging those hours on Candy Crush.

2. Subzero temps don’t put a chill in your heart! You’ll be content as a polar bear with your extra insulation as you fire up the minivan for morning carpool. While others are saying, “Brrrrr,” you’ll be proclaiming, “Brrrring it!”

3. Extra poundage adds extra rad to your rack! Know what we mean, Ladies? Bonus: you have a little more capacity in your Cleavage Crumb Catcher. Comes in handy when devouring those stale Christmas cookies in the pantry because it hides the evidence from prying little eyes.

4. Your problem with missing clothes is over! Your teenage daughter certainly didn’t “borrow” the pants you’re going to wear today. Nobody wants the fat jeans. Waa waaaa.

5. No more fighting with Grandma! One look at the junk in your trunk and she’ll stop pushing that last piece of pie on you.

6. Your fear of heights is a moot point! You’ll always get to be the bottom of that team-building pyramid.

7. You’ll get more bang for your buck! No longer will your spouse feel like the “All-You-Can-Eat” buffet is wasted money on you.

8. Your sense of accomplishment in the everyday is renewed! Successfully bending over to tug on those Uggs is celebration worthy. And actually tying shoes? Get outta here! Treat yourself to that leftover fruitcake cluttering your counter.

9. People won’t bug you about your New Year’s Resolutions! They already know. Oh, yes, they already know.

Ellen and Erin

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Getting Schooled in Blog Evolution

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‘Tis the time of year for reflections and looking ahead because my, oh my, what a difference a year makes, especially in the world of blogging.

Just this November, we were a little down about the views a particular post was getting, so Erin checked back to see what November of 2012 looked like for us. Um, it looked like our blog got 4,ooo pageviews for the entire month. Kind of made us take a moment to appreciate the work we have put in to get our 60,000 pageviews this November. We always want more, but wanting more should not eclipse celebrating how far we’ve come.

Are you pursing your lips and furrowing your brow at the mere mention of pageviews? Feels a little bit like broadcasting your weight or Facebooking your favorite sexual position?

We’re not bragging because Google knows there are blogs that claim that volume of readership in a single day. We do this to show the kind of power that can come when women join together as a tribe and feel safe to share, not to show they are better than anyone else, but to LIFT EVERYONE UP. We all have something to give and something to learn no matter where we are in our blogging careers. We can celebrate each other.

And this is where we need a drum roll! We are so pleased to invite you to a meeting of our tribe: The First Annual Blog U Conference held June 6 -8, 2014 in Baltimore, MD. And what a tribe it is. Check out the faculty!

Seriously, did you check out the faculty?? And while we are rocking the university theme, this is no “lecture at you” conference. Some of the biggest, most successful women in blogging will be making themselves available for “office hours” with you. This conference is going to be intimate, it’s going to be exactly what you need, and it’s going to be a blast!

And it will sell out fast. Intimacy and access comes with a price: there are under 300 tickets for sale. And did we mention that ticket prices start at $199 and there are packages where the room and meals are included?? Well, see for yourself here.

So get on your mark and get set, because tickets go on sale January 1, 2014 at 9am.

Get Schooled With Us!

Like the Blog U Conference on Facebook and follow on Twitter to keep up to date!

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Recycling: The Good and The Ugly

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Recycling is one of the easiest, most tangible ways of taking action for the planet. It reduces landfill waste and honors the resources of Mother Earth. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle! It’s all good! What could be ugly about that? Right?

Erin: Some of us pride ourselves on our firm commitment to recycling. You don’t just surrender your garage to this kind of chaos without trying to make it some kind of feel good environmental statement. You know, so your neighbors won’t call the authorities or feel inclined to pass judgment. Or so we’ve heard.

Don’t judge me, Mr. Nosy Neighbor. I’m saving the planet.

Ellen: Wow, you know I like yoga, but that was quite a stretch.

Erin: No, seriously, I’m committed. A quick looky-loo around the old homestead will let you know just how “all-in” I am! Not only do I crush cans, sort cardboard, and stockpile bottles, I reuse! That is the best because NO resources are wasted. I am making trash into treasures!

My buddies in Maine gave this to me when I moved away. Now it stores coins . . . and apparently a marble and a hairband. I never claimed to be saving the planet through organization.

It should be holding maple syrup or moonshine, but instead it’s brimming with coins and crap.

Ellen: And you’re not saving it with “reusing” either because that’s just dumping the content of your pockets into a pitcher. The pitcher was never trash unless you’re saying you were going to throw that thoughtful token of your friends’ affections away. You’re not really on the recycling train with that one. It’s more like you’re leading the ingrate parade. Try again.

Erin: Fine. You’re totally going to accept this one. This was Ace’s first attempt at pottery when he was 5. It now holds jewelry on my dresser.

Ellen: So let me get this straight. You want a Green Earth Award for putting jewelry in a bowl? And didn’t you just imply that Ace’s work of art is trash?

Erin: Sweet Cheez-its! While we’re talking about awards who promoted you to the Semantics of Recycling Police?

Ellen: Don’t redirect. The fact is, you still haven’t presented a decent argument for why your garage looks so indecent.

Erin: Alright. This was the parting gift from my cousin’s baby shower. It now takes center stage in the kids’ bath for cotton ball storage. I claim Upcycler Extraordinaie!

I like to thank my kids preemptively for strewing cotton balls all over the floor.

I like how the lid preemptively thanks my kids for strewing cotton balls all over the floor.

Ellen: Wow. You put cotton balls in a cute jar.

Erin: You WILL declare this one a winner. These are all containers from our family room that we’re REusing to hold toys. Once upon a time, each container only held one type of toy, but in this house, summer is the time when all systems fall to crap. Once again, ozone does not get saved through organization. Hence, the ball next to the boat in the old pretzel jar. And yes, those are shark teeth.

Ellen: Don’t sell yourself short. You have organization – all your choking hazards are grouped together in easy to reach containers on the floor.

Erin: Whatever. But THIS is high quality reusing. C’mom! Admit it!

Ellen: Yes, this qualifies as actual repurposing, BUT this is where the UGLY of recycling comes in! Dang girl. You could have peeled the Cascade label off of the bucket.

Erin: I really feel like you should be giving me more credit. If you want purty AND environmentally fabulous we have tons of lovely ideas for using milk cartons, tea tins, and glass bottles on Home Made Simple. Those ideas are as awesome as my actual attempts are pitiful.

Ellen: I can agree with that. Now all you have to do is find another excuse for your garage.

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Ghost of Halloween Post Past

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I’m sitting here sipping my coffee on the deck, enjoying the last of the fall foliage and Indian Summer before Hurricane Sandy hits to blow it all away and I just itch to write a Halloween post. But we haven’t done a ton of Halloweening this year because of my appendectomy. With me down and recovering, my family has been so focused on the necessities — food, clean laundry, transportation, and preventing me from busting my incisions open — that decorating has taken a back seat. This is the extent of our festiveness.

Decorations: 10% Pic Monkey, 50% carved, 100% consumed by fruit flies.

But with Frankenstorm coming our way, the lack of decorating really seems like a stroke of brilliance. While my neighbors scramble to take down corn stalks and dollar store ghosts, I get to sit here scrolling through our blog archives. And low and behold, I wrote a Halloween post last year! That exactly 12 people read because the blog wasn’t live when I “published” it.

So with a little editing, I’m sending this gem into the blogosphere for real. It was originally titled “Halloween is Sucking Me Dry Like a Bingeing Vampire.” Erin and I were trying to get this blog started and I had a ton of other things going on. I was nearly erupting in hives from the time suck Halloween was for me last year. In fact, here is a “snapshot” of a two hour period in my household:

Helped Jellybean (10) to construct a papier-mâché zombie wedding cake
Cooked dinner
Edited a speech by Coco (13)
Braided Coco’s hair so it would be wavy when delivering the speech
Mended the shirt to be worn during the speech
Folded laundry
Shortened the pinkie of a Michael Jackson glove

I know the most surprising thing on this list is why would I be folding laundry when I have two perfectly good children to do this. Well, we desperately needed clean underwear in our drawers and Coco was writing her speech and Jellybean was not yet woman enough to multi-task to the level of working with flour paste and clean laundry simultaneously.

Would you like a slice with finger or brain?

But in all seriousness, I bet half of you didn’t even blink an eye that I was making a papier-mâché zombie wedding cake. Congratulations, you are my kind of parents. You were doing your own equally stupid things for Halloween, so I don’t seem that far off the bell curve to you.

But the “cake” did have a purpose. At my daughter’s elementary school, they have this great event, started by a great teacher called Trunk-or -Treat. Parents circle their cars at the fire company’s carnival grounds and the kids trick-or-treat from trunk to trunk. Sounds simple in theory, right? But what would be the fun if there was no competition involved? Of course, we have to decorate the trunks! It is in its fourth year and as with all good things it gets grander and grander.

The first year we opened our decoration box and threw a bunch of stuff in our trunk. APPARENTLY, we were not really embracing the spirit of the whole thing. I got to burn with the shame of “Slacker Mom.” The second year we did an 80’s theme, but alas, the older gentlemen judging the trunks were not feeling that “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” The third year we won a trophy (that is still proudly displayed on the mantle) for “Kid Friendliest Theme.” Check out the “Funky Monkey Hot Tub.”

Cleanliness of monkeys cannot be confirmed. Enter at own risk.

Well, our theme last year was “Zombie Wedding.” (We watch way too much “Say Yes To The Dress” and “Cake Boss”). We constructed a zombie couple out of PVC pipe to go with the aforementioned cake. We’ll just say I spent $100 on this glorious-ness ::wink, wink:: since my husband reads my blog. I swear, you give me PVC pipe, wire ties, duct tape, and fishing line and I can out-design MacGyver.

This is what 5 gazillion work hours looks like.

But oh my goodness, this trunk decorating dragged on my time so much that my family lived on fish sticks and learned to wear socks more than once. Don’t be too skeeved. We bought more underwear to bridge the gap. We’re not animals. Only deep breathing and wine prevented me from ruining all this fun with a screaming banshee grade meltdown. The killer is that this event replaced a free and simple school Halloween parade. Kids just brought their costumes to school and walked around the field; simple as that. But would we really be in the 21^st century if we were allowed to keep things simple? If it doesn’t drive you to the brink of madness, is it really worth doing? Okay, I must interrupt this rant about the merits of simplicity with a confession. I did reallyenjoy making zombie breast implants. I disturbed my kids and I could not stop laughing.

NOT FDA Approved

But you know what truly made it all worthwhile? Winning, Baby! “Most Creative” trophy went to us! People were standing next to our creeps for photo ops like it was The Haunted Mansion at Disney World. Was it all worth it for the plastic trophy and $10 Wawa gift card? I must admit, we are competitive enough to say, “Yes!” But truth be told, Jellybean’s excitement and pride were pretty awesome, too. I could hear the thump of one more brick mortared into the foundation of our relationship. And here is the Sisterhood Secret: you REALLY need that foundation to be strong by the time they reach their teens. Just ask Coco, who wasn’t too cool to celebrate with the rest of us.

-Ellen

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How Bloggers’ Kids Get Their Revenge

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Very rarely do the planets align to create a perfect family day, but we had one this summer when Steve and I took our kids for a little impromptu tour of my hometown. No fighting, no whining, and no unpleasantness whatsoever—-it was the trifecta of family harmony.

But all good things must come to an end.

Because I was hopped up on the good vibes AND our happy jaunt around town landed us in front of the old courthouse AND it was the exact spot where Steve and I had some wedding photos taken 16 years ago, I wanted evidence. Of course, whipping out the DSLR caused some kind of shift in the universe, and things started to unravel. And quickly. Don’t look for those photos on our Christmas card this year.

Always the one to add some gasoline to the inferno, I thought it would be a swell idea to take some photos for the blog too. I mean, the sky was blue, the air was perfect, and my kids were self-combusting—what better time to catch some photo ops? But my kids are pros now at posing as the faceless wonders, so that part of the shoot went just fine. I didn’t really think of those pictures again. Then earlier this week, I came upon this photo.

I don’t care what their teachers say. My boys are geniuses, and revenge is sweet.

Well played, gentlemen. Well played.

PS–I think I can even see them giggling. I don’t know how I missed it before.

—Erin

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The Script For Saying “No” With Style

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Ellen: I need a little more “No” in my life.

Erin: Well this conversation is starting off in a happy place. What does that even mean?

Ellen: I am drowning in “back to school.” It’s all flooding in: the schedules, the homework, and worst of all, the requests for my time filling up my inbox. My summer only ended 15 minutes ago, but my plate is piled so high, it looks like a Biggest Loser contestant fell off the wagon.

Erin: I hear you. I ‘m still pouring sand out of my shoes while trying to dole out sandwiches and loose leaf.

But I have two words for you. Nancy Reagan.

Ellen: I’m giving YOU two minutes to explain your ridiculous self. Go.

Ellen: Erin’s idea of a timely reference. Erin: TIMELESS! There is nothing wrong with timeless!

Erin: Think Nancy Reagan circa 1986. Think red dress. Nancy sitting on the couch with President Reagan imploring millions of kids to “Just Say No”. . .

Ellen: To drugs. You get that she was talking about drugs; which is what I’m going to need if you don’t get to the point soon. Do you realize you just made a 26 year old reference? More importantly, how is this related to my overloaded schedule?

Erin: You really need a better appreciation of the classics. I’m saying to channel your inner Nancy and just say “No”.

Ellen: I’m going to channel something in a minute, but you did get my brain churning again. Man, I am rusty from the summer. But YOU don’t even remember that you’ve already shared the “How to Say No” technique that, no joke, changed my life.

Erin: Hold on there, Sister, I’m not sure I can stand all this love. But what are YOU talking about?

Ellen: Why do you never embrace the GENIUS of this technique? It is a SCRIPT for saying “No”! It brilliantly removes the awkward!

Erin: I guess I’m just so used to using it.

Ellen: Okay, I’ll give you that. When you’ve been foolish enough to display competence in distributing Goldfish crackers and juice boxes like we have, you get placed on the “Call to Volunteer” short list.

Erin: If only all the volunteer jobs were that easy. Don’t get me wrong, I support volunteering, but maybe not everything is worthy of my time…

Ellen: Oh, I hear ya. Chairing the dunk tank at the school carnival? I’m there!

Erin: Selling Girl Scout cookies? Meh, I’ll do it.

Maybe this guy does need some love. Or dignity. Ok, we can all agree that he needs something.

Ellen: Knitting scooper cozies for underprivileged dog walkers? Pretty sure I’m busy until three weeks past forever.

Erin: We jest, but that’s why you have to slip into that Nancy alter-ego once in a while. While most of what we get asked to do is very worthwhile. . .

Ellen: And it’s usually asked by people we highly respect. . .

Erin: We still only have 24 hours in our day like everyone else.

Ellen: That is why this technique is so magical. It shows respect while still making it clear that you really mean no. There’s nothing worse as a chairperson than being strung along with maybes and half-hearted commitments.

Erin: Well, I can think of a couple of worse things….

Ellen: Save it for another post. I AM going to embrace the genius and present without further ado. . .

How To Channel Your Nancy and Graciously Say “No”

1. Thank the person. (We know, right!) “Thank you for asking me to knit scooper cozies.”

We definitely don’t want you to be insincere, but this generally stuns people into silence.

2. Compliment them. “You do such a great job of making sure dog walkers are comfortable and stylish.”

Once again, sincerity is key. This person probably does need to be thanked. They are giving their time for something they believe in.

3. Compliment them again and then just say no. “And while you do such a wonderful job, I must say no because I don’t have the time to devote to your project.”

This is to the point, honest, and does not leave any wheedle room.

Ellen: No more hemming and hawing! No more stumbling over excuses! And more importantly, no more looking like or feeling like a donkey diaper for saying no.

Erin: But the key to making this part of your arsenal is to practice.

Ellen: Stop laughing because we are not kidding. Every good actor has to practice her script. Those words have to roll off of your tongue for them to be sincere and to not leave further room for begging.

Erin: Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go call my sister and see if SHE appreciates my Nancy Reagan reference.

Ellen: Yeah.

Share it real good . . .

Big Love: Sisterhood Style

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This week we are hosting a little Sisterhood Storytime. You might want to pull up a comfy chair, a cozy blanket, and a box of wine. . .

Once upon a time, Erin’s parents left town to visit her brother in California. Thinking that their daughter was married with 5 kids and living two hours away, they did not feel the need to take away her key or inform her that she shouldn’t be planning any big parties while they were away. Big mistake.

Erin addressed The Sisterhood, “Hey, I have got a this-shit-is-gold kind of idea. My parents are leaving their house open for a week at the end of June, who wants to come?”

Sister Love! ( Mary made us do this.)

Every hand shot up. The Sisterhood does like to party.

“Oh, and we’re bringing kids AND we are going hiking AND I signed us up for this thing called Parkquest so we will not only be hiking, but hiking with a goal and a purpose.”

Only 4 hands remained—Vickie, Laura, Mary, and Ellen—and it all began.

“What is this madness?” you ask.

It’s Parkquest! Maryland State Parks runs this program where families form teams and can participate in “quests” free of charge at participating parks. Quests can involve hiking, biking, kayaking, canoeing, horseback riding, etc. If you can do it outside, it’s probably on a Parkquest. Each team gets a passport that you present to the ranger for a coveted stamp to verify you completed the quest. Teams who complete 10 quests get to go to the Grand Finale where you compete some more and have the chance to win prizes.

“How do I sign up??” you ask without any trace of irony.

This jamboree of family fun is in its fifth year, and 1000 families closed out the registration in 2 hours time. The spaces are all filled.

“That’s madness!” you say.

We know! But we have upped the crazy factor by 1000% by doing Parkquest The Sisterhood Way. We even have a name: Big Love. And t-shirts too, but that’s a whole other story . Ellen was not involved and Erin sucks at crafts—the results were less than perfect.

So back to the story. Try to stop interrupting. Big Love began when we descended on Erin’s parents’ house in Western Maryland 4 years ago.

“Wait, isn’t Big Love the show about polygamy?” you sputter.

You’ll keep listening to the story now, won’t you? But anyway, four moms and 14 kids shoehorned into the four bedroom home like possums in a hollow log. Somehow Ellen got a bed to herself, so all was right with the world. We really do love her and gave her a break because she had flown in from Costa Rica the night before and was operating on four hours of sleep.

The next morning we fed the troops army mess hall style and departed on the first quest. Even we had enough sense to be nervous. For the love of Mother Nature, we were taking 14 kids ranging in age from 2 to 15 out into the Wilderness.

Would you take these babies to the top of a mountain??

Everything went off just fine. Except for Ellen getting lost. And the poisonous copperhead snake.

“WTF!” you say.

No worries from the snake. If you don’t bother them, they don’t bother you. We’re not sure this is true all of the time, but we’re sure glad it was true that day.

The worst outcome from the whole experience was the grudge Ellen’s daughter Jellybean now holds against her for getting them lost in the woods. That ax is still grinding even though Ellen has outfitted herself with a compass and snake bite kit from Walmart. FYI– Walmart also has bear whistles.

“Good to know,” you mutter as you make a mental note to never go into the woods with Ellen and Erin.

Depiction is not accurate. Not enough cats. Not enough chaos.

Because this first “successful” quest left us relatively unscathed, we were emboldened. We put on our sassy pants (Aisle 3, Walmart), picked up our lassoes, and herded the cats to the next quest. We even drew more people into our rodeo as Erin’s brother, Brian, and his son joined the stampede.

So we loaded ’em up and hauled them to the top of Mount Washington State Park. We were in the parking lot trying to get everyone fed and organized. Going back to the cat analogy, there were kids everywhere and we were quite the spectacle. We grabbed the attention of a very elderly (and not in a sweet way) man.

“Creepers,” you say.

We know. Unwanted conversation ensued with Ellen. He should have picked Erin—Ellen doesn’t talk to strangers. Erin can’t help but talk to strangers.

And now if Ellen could go back in time, she would waste her trip on this moment so she could deliver this line—“Yes, we are sister wives, and that is our man. If you wait real patient like, the camera crews will be along in about 10 minutes.”

But it didn’t matter anyway, because Big Love was born and we loved the idea so much, we. . .