Hey, all, grab that morning coffee, sink into your favorite chair, and check this out.
Today Erin is guest posting over at Three Things For Mom. This blog is the brainchild of Lauren Warner who writes her own blog, Sipping Lemonade. She describes Three Things For Mom like “having your favorite bloggers over for coffee in your PJs every morning” and it really is. We have each lingered over some of the selections there.
In quick, bite-sized blog posts, 3 things for Mom looks at the same three topics (a truth, a tip & a find) through the eyes of different mom bloggers. It really is a great way to discover new writers and blogs and pick up some simple truths about Motherhood, share tips, and learn about some great finds.
Today, I am talking about all the changes happening to me over there and what I would tell my younger mom self. Sniff. Sniff. Excuse me while I blubber into my coffee cup.
Slurp. My cup is empty. Gotta run, but I hope you all take a minute to head on over to check out all the sparkly goodness happening over at Three Things For Mom. You can follow the blog on Twitter and Facebook too.
Ellen: So October has come and gone and we need to explain why we didn’t jump up and down hollering that it was our First Blog Anniversary.
Erin:Because, really, we are those type of girls. And if you look over at the Archives it appears that we started in October 2011.
Ellen: But that, while not exactly a liar, liar pants on fire moment is not really accurate either.
Erin:The switch really got flipped . . .
Ellen: Let’s be clear. We really don’t know how the blog went live. Bless you for your help, Colleen.
Erin:Alright then, our blog was available for perusal on January 11, 2012 at 5:47pm. It was our Blaunch — Blog + Launch!
Ellen: For the last time that sounds like a cat puking. The post we wrote about it was “Happy BLirth-Day.”
Erin:What started in October was us trying to get our idea going.
Ellen: Really. I’ll save you a trip to the Archives to prove our point. This is ALL we had going on in October 2011.
Erin:That was it. For the entire month.
Ellen: But that content took us about 5 hours to figure out how to load. I thought the picture resizing was going to kill me.
Erin:And those three comments? They were made in JANUARY and FEBRUARY. We had so little content on the blog, that it did not take people interested in our BLaunch much time to run through all of it.
Ellen: So in actuality we are around the nine-ish month mark. And I totally noticed that you said BLaunch.
Erin:Whatever. But still, we are a little fresh at this and still finding our groove. But what I remember most vividly is our ridiculous notion that we were going to write these posts and people would just flock to read them.
Ellen: Not so much. Without a lot of tweeting, status updating, and blog visiting, your precious word gems thud like trees falling in the forest with no one to hear.
Erin:A huge part of blogging is working the social side, finding your niche, gaining your audience.
Ellen: You know, starting to blog felt a little like starting at a new school . . .
Erin:A feeling like you’re the new kid in the cafeteria holding your tray, not knowing where to sit, or what the unwritten rules are. Sooo, to celebrate our Blogiversary 0.75, let us regale you with . . .
Ways Starting to Blog is Like Starting Middle School
1. You begin clueless and self-conscious. You are not even sure how to find blogs you want to read, let alone find people who will want to be your friends, we mean readers. You feel lost and untethered. You wonder if you have on the “right” shoes and blog banner. Does this font make us look fat?
2. There are clubs to join! Bloggers love to join circles and tribes. You find like-minded bloggers and have great things to read. Your new friends visit your blog. It feels like popularity. But then you realize all of your time is being taken up by the same people. Newcomers aren’t feeling so welcome to your blog because you’re twisting your work to fit in. Imagine us trying to fit in with the goths. We just don’t have the lank hair for it. Although we are rockin’ some epic under eye circles.
3. Go to parties! Meet new people! There are link-ups and blog hops where you can add your post to a list of other blogs. You conga line from blog to blog mingling and reading. There is dancing and laughing. Everything is great until you forget to do your homework. You’ve been so busy eating Cheez-its with the blogarazzi that you didn’t get your homework done. You have no blog post for next week. And report cards are coming out: New pageviews – 5. Your party rockers are nowhere to be found. All reading and no content means you’re a grounded blogger. Now you have to do extra credit to catch up. In blogging terms, a nice viral meme would save the day.
“Tombstone Credit”
4. There are popularity contests! There are votes to be had: Funniest Blog! Top 25 Squirrel Blogs! Best Use of Witty Caption Asking People To Follow! You get sucked into begging everyone for votes until no one is returning your calls, they are blocking you on Facebook, and they nominate Sisterhood of the Irascible Moms for Homecoming Queen out of spite. But then you discover you can make your own lists and groups and that is cool until you get left off of one and are consigned to sit with Polly Pintersuck at lunch, drowning your sorrows in your Capri Sun.
5. Then there are the haters. These are the more energetic cousins of the leaver-outers. They steal your tofu wrap, write about you on the bathroom wall, AND tape a “Kick Me” sign to your back. No wait, they just bomb your Facebook wall, take a dump in your comments, and send you accusatory emails and tweets. If you’re lucky, they organize a cyber-gang against you, too. “They hate ya, cuz they ain’t ya.” Either that or they are trying to increase traffic to their blogs.
♦
But overall, blogging is a blast. The good definitely outweighs the drudge that can sometimes sprout from cyber-cohabitation. And our blogger friends? They are some of the smartest, funniest, most fun-loving people you would ever hope to meet in cyberspace or Colonel Leghorn Middle School. We’ll take you at our lunch table any time. And by our lunch table, we mean join in our “Tombstone Credit” meme!
Do you feel like you never receive credit for something you constantly do that makes this world a better place to be? Of course you do! Feel free to copy our photo and add your own caption. Be clever! Put it on our Facebook Wall (make sure to “Like” us while you’re there.), then put it on our Pinterest Board. We’ll show you all kinds of love. But be original or we’ll totally trash you to the chess team instead.
We had the best time running our photo caption contest. All of the entries were so good that one might say they brought sunshine on a cloudy day. I may or may not be watching the weather report while writing this. So without further ado, the winner is…
This one by Katy Morgan wrote our judging criteria for us – it actually made us laugh out loud the first, second, and third times we read it. And you are in luck because she writes a blog, so you don’t have to limit yourself to this little slice of hilarity, you can skip on over to Katy In A Corner and enjoy the whole Awesome Pie!
Now we have been questioned by more than one person, whether or not this photo might be a wee (wink, wink) bit embarrassing for the boys. Well, how should we put this? Um, NO! These imps set this up. We have chosen not to show our kids faces, so we often take “blog” pictures. Erin’s boys OFFERED to pose for this picture after her Christmas card worthy photo shoot. They turned around, she clicked, and only saw the full design of their mischief upon uploading. We called it “How Bloggers’ Kids Get Their Revenge”.
So exploitation tizzy resolved? No? Then we are all in luck because the vehicle of our penance has hit the interwebz in the form of Mom Shaming. Like all good things cyber, it is a spin-off of a spin-off. Through my exhaustive research it appears to have started with Dog Shaming. Then Mommy Shorts morphed it into Baby Shaming. (We can feel your panties bunching through our routers, relax and check it out.) And now The Divine Secrets Of a Domestic Diva balanced the scales of justice and brought us Mom Shaming.
Ellen: History lesson over. I was going to make you a time line, but I used my last scrap of poster board to make my sign of shame.
If you look closely you can see the light shining through my sign to reveal that it is a dollar bill visual aid. So not only have I outed myself, I re-purposed, too! That has GOT to be worth double penance points.
Erin:So Ellen calls me as I’m walking through the door from my JOB into a house full of disgruntled kids to make my own sign.
Ellen: Priorities. Two photo fails and five hours later, she succeeds in making her own little cultural contribution to the webz.
What’s the big deal you say? Just you wait.
Erin:This is my dirty little clean laundry secret. Everyone is always telling me how organized I am because…
Ellen: Basically you keep five kids fed, dressed, and delivered places approximately on time?
Erin:YES! But this bag of socks is the bane of my existence and the sucker of untold amounts of time out of my life.
Ellen: You certainly are being dramatic for a little internet funny.
Erin:Remember the five kids? Every. Single. Morning. They come traipsing into my room to rummage through this bag, strew its contents across my floor, and scrabble like chickens over the pickin’s. My fourth grader complained the other day about how much his feet hurt. On one foot he had a sock that barely reached his heel and on the other foot he had a man-sized sock pulled up to his knee!
Ellen: Surely there is a simple solution to this. Have you tried giving each family member their own lingerie bag to put their…
Erin:Stop! Yes, I’ve tried that! But we just ended up with bags of single socks!
Steve and I have tried paying them 10 cent per pair matched, but they putter out at about $1.20 and drift away.
We’ve tried Sock Folding Movie Night, but everyone starts to feign illness or sleep to get out of it.
We’ve thrown them away and started over, but . . . IT. JUST. KEEPS. COMING. BACK.
Ellen: Like a cyst?
Erin:No! Because from what I understand, Dr. WebMD, you can surgically remove a cyst. There is not cure for this! It is truly my shame.
Ellen: Shame seasoned with a fair amount of hypocrisy.
Erin:Are you REALLY throwing gasoline into the boiler of my steam train of shame?
Ellen: Don’t you remember writing about your room being your oasis? It sounds like you could really only achieve that Nirvana with a maid, laundry service, and a pitcher of whiskey sours.
But you know what? I think we need one more shaming meme to complete this penance.
Erin:I don’t know if I can stand much more catharsis, but . . .
Ellen: So to complete my confession, while I’m posting pictures like this, prompting people sing my praises in our comments section…
Don’t you wish you could be awesome like me?
Ellen: Swing the camera a mere 90 degrees and this is the view into my dining room . . .
Or maybe you don’t.
Erin: Gavel slammed. Hail Mary, penance complete.
If you want to join in on the fun, hop on over to the Blogging While Mom Facebook Page and add your own confession. It’ll be a relief, we swear.
Erin:Well this conversation is starting off in a happy place. What does that even mean?
Ellen: I am drowning in “back to school.” It’s all flooding in: the schedules, the homework, and worst of all, the requests for my time filling up my inbox. My summer only ended 15 minutes ago, but my plate is piled so high, it looks like a Biggest Loser contestant fell off the wagon.
Erin:I hear you. I ‘m still pouring sand out of my shoes while trying to dole out sandwiches and loose leaf.
But I have two words for you. Nancy Reagan.
Ellen: I’m giving YOU two minutes to explain your ridiculous self. Go.
Ellen: Erin’s idea of a timely reference. Erin: TIMELESS! There is nothing wrong with timeless!
Erin:Think Nancy Reagan circa 1986. Think red dress. Nancy sitting on the couch with President Reagan imploring millions of kids to “Just Say No”. . .
Ellen: To drugs. You get that she was talking about drugs; which is what I’m going to need if you don’t get to the point soon. Do you realize you just made a 26 year old reference? More importantly, how is this related to my overloaded schedule?
Erin:You really need a better appreciation of the classics. I’m saying to channel your inner Nancy and just say “No”.
Ellen: I’m going to channel something in a minute, but you did get my brain churning again. Man, I am rusty from the summer. But YOU don’t even remember that you’ve already shared the “How to Say No” technique that, no joke, changed my life.
Erin:Hold on there, Sister, I’m not sure I can stand all this love. But what are YOU talking about?
Ellen: Why do you never embrace the GENIUS of this technique? It is a SCRIPT for saying “No”! It brilliantly removes the awkward!
Erin:I guess I’m just so used to using it.
Ellen: Okay, I’ll give you that. When you’ve been foolish enough to display competence in distributing Goldfish crackers and juice boxes like we have, you get placed on the “Call to Volunteer” short list.
Erin:If only all the volunteer jobs were that easy. Don’t get me wrong, I support volunteering, but maybe not everything is worthy of my time…
Ellen: Oh, I hear ya. Chairing the dunk tank at the school carnival? I’m there!
Erin:Selling Girl Scout cookies? Meh, I’ll do it.
Maybe this guy does need some love. Or dignity. Ok, we can all agree that he needs something.
Ellen: Knitting scooper cozies for underprivileged dog walkers? Pretty sure I’m busy until three weeks past forever.
Erin:We jest, but that’s why you have to slip into that Nancy alter-ego once in a while. While most of what we get asked to do is very worthwhile. . .
Ellen: And it’s usually asked by people we highly respect. . .
Erin:We still only have 24 hours in our day like everyone else.
Ellen: That is why this technique is so magical. It shows respect while still making it clear that you really mean no. There’s nothing worse as a chairperson than being strung along with maybes and half-hearted commitments.
Erin:Well, I can think of a couple of worse things….
Ellen: Save it for another post. I AM going to embrace the genius and present without further ado. . .
How To Channel Your Nancy and Graciously Say “No”
1. Thank the person. (We know, right!) “Thank you for asking me to knit scooper cozies.”
We definitely don’t want you to be insincere, but this generally stuns people into silence.
2. Compliment them.“You do such a great job of making sure dog walkers are comfortable and stylish.”
Once again, sincerity is key. This person probably does need to be thanked. They are giving their time for something they believe in.
3. Compliment them again and then just say no.“And while you do such a wonderful job, I must say no because I don’t have the time to devote to your project.”
This is to the point, honest, and does not leave any wheedle room.
Ellen: No more hemming and hawing! No more stumbling over excuses! And more importantly, no more looking like or feeling like a donkey diaper for saying no.
Erin:But the key to making this part of your arsenal is to practice.
Ellen: Stop laughing because we are not kidding. Every good actor has to practice her script. Those words have to roll off of your tongue for them to be sincere and to not leave further room for begging.
Erin:Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go call my sister and see if SHE appreciates my Nancy Reagan reference.
[Blog]+[Birthday]=[bLirth-day]. Six months ago, our blog went live and in the spirit of Sisterhood, we are sharing our bLirth story with you.
Erin– I still think we can call it a bLaunch…
How BLirthing is very different from pregnancy: You can drink to make it all better
Ellen- Ummmmm, no. Just no. Sounds like the noise the cat makes when she coughs up a hairball. But I am really feeling the pregnancy metaphor.
We had only been gestating this baby for 2 ½ months, but you all know that feels twice as long in pregnancy time.
This blog was draggggggging out through the holidays—HALLOWEENTHANKSGIVINGCHRISTMASNEWYEARS. I was tired of the whole thing. I was begging for some relief. The only thing missing was swollen ankles.
Erin-So we did what any sensible mom would do. We kicked the blog under the bed with the dust bunnies and walked away. FOR A MONTH. I once tried to mention the blog to Ellen, and she almost stroked out begging me not to discuss it.
Ellen– But then we got our Christmas miracle. Steve surprised Erin with a MacBook Air.
Erin’s Steve, not this one.
Erin-Forget that he broke our “Hey, it’s a frugal Christmas” agreement. Forget that I felt huge guilt when he was opening his dixie cups and chapstick (For real. We were supposed to be frugal, People, and, that’s right, I wrapped them, too. What of it?). I was already posting on Facebook from my shiny, new Mac.
This sweet man in one grand gesture gave me the biggest, best vote of confidence in our blog. With one click, I dragged our blog out from underneath the metaphorical bed and blew off the dust. I loaded our site with everything we had written and then some.
Ellen- We are giving Steve props for getting us back on track. We were going to make everything perfect. We were going to finally birth this baby. So we did what every sensible mom does, we made a plan. We even made a date, for scheduling a date, to create our Facebook page and Twitter account. Then with the good fortune that has constantly shone on this project, Elizabeth, our graphic designer, emailed us our banner. Oooo, we could take a step forward! Then came the email from our Tech Angel, Colleen: “Ok, I just added your header – let me know if you think you’re ready to go.”
Ready to go!?! I’m not ready to be a blogger! What do I know about blogging? I made all kinds of excuses to Colleen about why we were not ready: no social media buttons, no contact form, blah, blah, blah.
I have to grab the HTML code? What? First world problems are hard.
As with all good “birthing” plans, ours was not worth the computer file space it was residing in. I woke up the next morning, logged onto the site, and right before my very eyes, I could see Colleen adding the social media buttons. Colleen was addressing every excuse, um, I mean barrier, that was preventing us from taking this blog live. The Sisterhood’s water had broken, and things were starting to move.
I was not entering this bLirth-ing room alone! I picked up my phone to call Erin and… nothing. Direct to Voicemail. No response to text. No response to email.
Erin– To quote one text from Ellen: “I am dying of excitement. Colleen is pimping out our site so we can go live! AHHHHHH! Please call me when you get a chance . I will respectfully continue to blow up your phone with every new development. ”
Ellen is using an emoticon. She means business, but she doesn’t want to yell at me. Yet. Good grief.
Ellen – Soooo, no response still. Whatever. This thing was happening. Over the next 6 hours I proceeded to add some “final touches” to the site. This blog was not ready for prime time. I was laboring in the bLirth-ing room alone, people! A-lone! I felt abandoned like an iPad on the day they launch version “so-much-better-than-the-one-you-just-maxed-your-credit-card-out-on-three-weeks-ago.”
Erin- You are such a PC. Don’t be a hater.
Meanwhile, I was exactly where I told her I would be— teaching Advanced Math to middle schoolers. After 13 years at home, I was dipping my toe back into a classroom as a substitute. No horror stories to tell, but I couldn’t have been more difficult to reach if I were on the moon or at the bottom of a well. When class ended, I checked my phone. Ellen was summoning me, in ABUNDANCE, back to the blog.
Ellen- FINALLY, my phone rang. Erin was like, “Hey, I got your four emails and ten texts during math class. Deleted your Voicemail. I guess we’re starting today.” Someone needed to go to some bLirth-ing classes, because this was clearly not the enthusiastic, supportive response required.
Erin- Oh, I wanted to revel in our moment. I did. But jumping back into the classroom was the easy part of my day. When I got home, an afternoon was brewing unlike any I have had since the days of endless sippy cups and potty-training.
Cue a rising jungle beat crescendo. Serious stuff was going down at home. And Ellen needed my input. A LOT. On this of all days, my kids decided to revert to their alter-egos Whiny, Clingy, Punchy, Needy, and Snotty.
Something to ponder, hmmmmm
Charlie was in a panic, because his report wouldn’t print. He was on the verge of a breakdown. Apparently, he had lost all memory of how to choose printers from the menu bar. Click. Crisis averted.
Ellen- What do you want our Twitter user name to be?
Erin-Simultaneously, Biddie lost it. Middle School is a vicious creature and was having its way with her. I needed to talk her out of her tree. Hug. Crisis averted.
RRRIIIINNNGGGG
Ellen- You have to “Like” our Facebook page for me to easily make you an Admin.
Erin-Charlie, now buoyant from his printer triumph, was wrestling with Deacon and Eddie all over the house. At one point, they were perched together on the back of a chair like spider monkeys wrapped in headlocks. Mommy yell. Boys sent to their corners. Crisis averted.
Ellen- Yeah, I heard that one go down over the phone. She might be sugar-coating it a bit.
Erin- Then Ace joined the fun. He couldn’t find his soccer referee card that he needed to be recertified. Not in his room, his ref bag, his wallet, the wash. He was hyperventilating into a bag. Found the website and got his ID # electronically. Crisis averted.
RRRIIINNNGGGG
Ellen- Do you care if we have a gravatar before we launch?
Erin-And then my parents pick THIS moment to call. AND they want to talk about booking our summer vacation. AND they are not tech-savvy. AND they want my help. Oy. I might cry or kill someone.
Ellen- Erin is the best. In the middle of all that was going down in her home, she took every phone call to answer every question. I did giggle directly in her ear that SHE is her parents’ tech guru.
Erin-This was not an ideal environment to be having a moment, even a great one like the birth of our blog, with Ellen. But that’s the way life rolls. It’s coming whether you are ready or not.
Ellen- So, in the midst of Erin’s maelstrom, on January 11, 2012 at 5:47pm, I got the text from Colleen that we were live. We were the proud creators of a bouncing, brand-new blog! As I gleefully watched the visit counter spiral upward, I was so grateful that Colleen “bLaunched” us from our nest. We needed the push.
Erin- Aww, look at you, using “bLaunch.” And I was grateful too. The Sisterhood Secret: By all means, plan, but (and we are totally stealing this from Nike), in the end, JUST DO IT. Time to get blogging!! Happy Half-BLirth-day to us!
Ellen: One of the best parts about blogging is the opportunity for self-reflection…
Erin:…with an audience and a spotlight.
Ellen: So let it be known that these Sensible Moms recognize the irony…
With cameras this pretty, can you blame us for getting a little snap-happy?
Erin:…or, at the very least, the contradiction that while we have a “Love Our Nikons” category in our sidebar, the gorgeous pictures of our kids stay safely nestled on our hard drives.
Ellen: We could give you a little song and dance about the reasons why, but it’s summer—who has the time? And precious really does make us gag. The simple reason why our kids’ names are changed and their faces are veiled? They asked us to do it.
Erin: This decision to keep the kids anonymous definitely sparks some eye rolls and brings on some “tsk, tsk-ing” from those we know in our real lives as well as those we know on the interwebz.
There seems to be two camps on this issue of privacy. In one camp, there are the completely transparent, totally honest bloggers. You get it all and prettier pictures too. In the other camp, there are the rest of us, who think we are presenting it “real enough”. You can just thank us now for setting up camp where we did because if Ellen and I were in the first camp, you would be reading actual transcripts of our conversations.
Ellen: And trust us, you don’t want that.
Erin: But truthfully, once we knew how the crew felt, we threw this guideline about protecting their identities in with some other rules and guidelines we (Read: Ellen) drew up to define the boundaries. Quite frankly, the United Nations would do well to take some lessons from us on peace-keeping and negotiating, but that’s a story for another day.
"Thank you, Ellen and Erin! You have successfully negotiated world peace!"
Ellen: We are not so naive as to think that someone couldn’t find us if they had enough gumption to execute five mouse clicks, but dang it, our blog is not going to pop up when future employers Google our kids’ names.
We’re just not going to lay out SEO terms for them; they’re going to have to work for it.
Erin:This decision for anonymity also stems from the fact that we didn’t start our blog until many of our peeps were fully formed people (albeit small people) with ideas of their own (Oh, the joy of the self-actualized child!!). We didn’t have to imagine what it would be like for them to have opinions about what we wrote, because they gave it to us. By the bucketfuls.
Ellen: Quite frankly, their mothers could have taught them to use a little more tact, but we get it. Some of our kids already have their own Facebook pages and therefore their own online identities. We are dancing, if not in the same ballroom, in the same hotel.
Erin:One of our parenting principles is to respect our kids by respecting their boundaries. Our job is to guide ’em and grow ’em, not take their mess viral. Occasionally, they even thank us for this!
Ellen: It stems from the understanding that our kids, while ours, don’t really belong to us and that includes their identities and their stories. They are people first and blog material second.
I still wince when I remember what I overheard my mom share about my life over the phone. I thank the Guardian Angels of Adolescence that she did not have access to the internet.
Erin:Dooce, the “Queen of Mommy Bloggers”, who makes millions, gets 100,000 hits a day, and has been blogging since 2002 said this to her family:
“I will never write anything that I wouldn’t say to your face, with 50 people watching.”
Ellen: Um, ditto. If it’s good enough for Dooce, then it’s good enough for us. She had to learn the hard way. We’re going to learn from her missteps.
Erin:The only thing I would add in regards to our kids is this: “I will never tell your story without your approval.” The people who know us best aren’t fooled by our thin aliases. They know EXACTLY who we are offering up on a platter.
Please don't tell them they have this much power. They're already hard to live with.
Ellen: The veto stamp has already altered our writing. We wrote an article about setting boundaries with your kids and how “No” is your friend. It had great balance between the girl and boy perspective.
Erin:But in the end, my son Ace (15), just didn’t want us to share his anecdote.
Ellen: It was an anecdote that complemented the story I shared about Coco (13), but since he didn’t want it told, we cut it.
Erin:And it changed the flavor of the post. People still responded to the piece in the ways we had hoped they would, but it missed out in one big way: we lost the point that these issues affect boys too.
Ellen: So now some poor souls are wandering around thinking they are off the drama hook, because they only have sons.
Erin:I almost feel guilty.
Ellen: We may have done the blogosphere a disservice with that one, but we did our kids a righteous.
Erin:Another big reason we don’t show our kids’ faces is that although we are moms who blog—our blog itself is not primarily about our children. It is, at its heart, about the great human experience of parenting, about friendship as the salve that makes this experience a whole lot easier, and even a little about being a woman in the world today.
Ellen: So I MIGHT have just felt my gag reflex tickled, but really, it’s true.
Erin:Whatever. We sensible girls really dig trying to find the humor in the mundane and familiar. Fourteen years at home with your kids will really do that to you.
Ellen: In fact, when we came up with our idea to start a blog, we batted around a couple of different ideas, but they all boiled down to this one: the idea that funny and sensible are not mutually exclusive.
Erin:So our goal is to share our sensibility and to entertain with our humor. We crack each other up constantly. It’s time the rest of you got in on the fun. We are just not going to do it at the expense of our kids.
Ellen: Or our relationships with them. We can always decide to share more, but we can never erase what is released. Because even more so than diamonds, the internet is forever.
How 'bout this for real? We took pictures of the backs of our kids' heads before we started blogging. They are gorgeous from all angles.
We announced to the world, on our Monday Listicle a couple of weeks ago, that there were certain children’s books that we would, well, like to throat punch. Now it is our turn on The Character Assassination Carousel hosted by the hilarious and industrious Nicole Leigh Shaw over at Ninja Mom Blog. Time to turn the flame up to full roast!
Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures came before us and skillfully poached Babar. Treat yourself by checking out her post, after you’ve finished reading ours of course! Christine of Naptime Writing is up next. Can’t wait to see what book she targets.
And speaking of treats, do we have one for you!
This is a Read-Along Assassination!
To hear our voices soothe you off to Dreamland, click the media player and get started.
Erin: It’s the close of another juice-cup-filling, nose-wiping. . .
Erin: sports-hopping, bath-drenching day. Little Darling cuddles in for his evening storytime and hands me this little gem.
Ellen: Oh, joy! A book without words that your crazy, artsy friend gave you at your baby shower. Because nothing will top off an evening like this more than making up your own story.
Erin: I hardly have enough energy to brush my teeth tonight, but sure I can make up a humdinger for you. It only takes me 25 edits to write a blog post.
Ellen: Truth be told her story sucked, but now in the new light of day with a little sleep, she remembers how funny WE are.
Erin: So we decided to make lemonade out of this lemon.
Ellen: We present for your enjoyment…
Erin: …and ours too if we are totally honest…
Ellen: the victim of this week’s Character Assassination Carousel, Fox and Hen Together by Beatrice Rodriguez.
Erin: Henceforth to be referred to as Fried Kentucky Shore as lampooned by Erin and Ellen.
Ellen: It’s a beautiful day on Fried Kentucky Shore. Some might say it is an unusual day because Chooki has put down the bottle and is nursing her maternal instincts by rocking her egg to a techno-beat.
I knew Poultry magazine had it all wrong. Chooki is going to be one fine feathered motherclucker.
Erin: But Southern Coop Living had it all right! Look at those tacky PDA photobooth pictures on the wall! And that empty fridge.
The Foxuation grunts, “Yo, Chooki, where’s the eats?!?”
Chooki says, “We only have half a bottle of Stoli and this champagne you swiped from the wedding you valeted.”
Pauly C, the mooch, chimes, “This is bogus, man, I haven’t had anything to eat since I hit the floor after those jeigerbombs last night and landed in that pile of pretzel crumbs.
Chooki says, “You’re such a bottom feeder. I got this, you losers.”
Erin: So she does what any chick in a den of slacker boys would do. . .
Ellen: And we do mean slack-ers! The Foxuation lost the car in a gambling spree, and Pauly C used all their extra scratch for GTL…
Erin: (Look it up in the Urban Dictionary, losers.) She takes care of business herself with the only thing she has left—a fishing rod.
Ellen: I think she thought it was a whip.
Erin: I think if she had more brains she would see that Pauly C looks like a good appetizer . Just saying.
Ellen: Hold on a minute, Erin. Are you just skipping over the tender ménage à troi farewelling to the egg? Back it up for a minute and REALLY look at those tacky love pictures on the wall.
Erin: Alright, let’s humor Ellen and all look at the pictures on the wall. Wait a minute, who has this chickie been chucking?
Ellen: That‘s what I’m saying. This is no-teach-a-chicken-to-fish-and-the-menagerie- eats-forever story. It’s a “Who’s Your Baby Daddy: Fried Kentucky Style”.
Erin: I see warning signs a-flashing à la Dr. Phil. The Foxuation is the ultimate bad boy: he’s foxy, he’s needy, and he is an ever-loving ACTUAL predator.
Ellen: Run, Chooki, run! Do not walk! And do NOT take the creepy crustacean sidekick with you!
Erin: Ellen, focus your inner Winnie the Pooh, we are only the narrators.
Ellen: So let’s focus on the Springer in this story and skip to the fight scene. It all starts when FUGLY steals the fish.
Erin: FUGLY?
Ellen: Falcon of Unknown Genealogical Lineage…Y’all.
Erin: Oh, him. He drags our Chooki and Pauly C, who is hanging on her tail feathers like the backpack he is, and unceremoniously dumps them in the drink. But the Ch-itch still has her fish.
Chooki screams as the FUGLY flies away, “ You ruined my blowout , Motherclucker. It cost me a Benjamin. But, you’ve messed with the wrong chick. I won, ‘cuz I got the fish.”
Ellen: Chooki thinks she’s won, but her screeching rouses the Guido from his hole.
Erin: He is pissed because some skank slinked off with his gold chains this morning. He is coming off a bad night, and he is just looking for trouble.
Ellen: But instead he finds himself presented with a tasty snack of Filet o’ Fish with a side of nuggets and crab claws.
Erin: Little does he know that he has actually found trouble with a capital T, and it is spelled Chooki.
Ellen: Chooki is spelled with a C, but anyway, she is one tough…
Erin: Primo Poulet
Ellen: Um, are you serious? We’re going a little more street than that. This is a Jersey Shore spoof. Who needs to focus now?
Erin: But anyway, Chooki is bringing it Kentucky Shore style.
Ellen: She’s on the left.
Erin: She’s on the right.
Ellen: And she’s down.
Erin: But not for long.
Ellen: She hog ties that mouth-breathing-chain-wearin’-gel-sloppin’ Guido…
Erin: …and shows him “Who’s Your Daddy.”
Ellen: I like how you channeled your “street” there, much better, but “Daddy?” Don’t you mean, “Who’s Your Momma?” Chooki owns this; Pauly C. was as useful as a trap door on a canoe. In fact, let’s cut that poser Pauly C out of this.
Erin: In fact, let’s cut to the disturbing ending, shall we?
Ellen: Sure. The lighting is soft.. . .
Erin: Good lord, you and your soft lighting.
Ellen: I just appreciate the scene being set. Anyway, it’s spotlighting the broken egg.
Erin: Chooki is horrified. She picks up the frying pan like a weapon.
Ellen: I’m horrified too! How is her first thought that her Chuck Buddy was snacking on her chick? And why does a chicken have a frying pan ANYWAY?
Erin: She totally went to, “Motherclucker ate my baby, WHAT?” She is going ALL Loretta Bobbins.
Ellen: What the heck are you talking about? Do you mean Lorena Bobett?
Erin: Yeah, you know, the chick that sliced and diced her husband’s package.
Ellen: Disturbing. Um, adjust your glasses, Granny, she is taking it to the next level. She is about to end the Foxuation for good. She knows she picked a lowdown scoundrel. She watches Maury Povich every afternoon.
Erin: And speaking of Maury Povich, the master of the paternity reveal, are you really looking at that offspring?
Ellen: What is that thing?? There is no creature like that in nature.
Erin: It’s got fox ears and wings. It’s the Frankenstein of babies.
Ellen: It’s not a Frankenstein baby. It’s a FICKEN.
Erin: There’s no such thing as a frickin’ Ficken. You made that up!
Ellen: Ya think? There are no words for that biological fail.
Erin: But the most important part of any children’s book is the happy ending.
Ellen: And what is happier than toasting a weird-ass newborn creaturewith a little ALCOHOL and the conquered roasting on a spit?
Erin: Wait! But there also has to be a moral!
Ellen: So what kind of moral exactly are we finding in this train wreck, Pollyanna?
Erin: Don’t chuck a fox or you could be raising a Ficken.
Ellen: And that there is your Sisterhood Secret. Sweet dreams, Mothercluckers!
This post was written in response to a Monday Listicle prompt, but as you can see, it turned into much more than a list. It is actually a little, tiny portal showing some of the nuts and bolts of how two women cooperate to write a blog together. If you have never visited us before, Erin and I CO-AUTHOR the blog posts and transcribe them like our conversations. This requires a level of cooperation that nations should strive to achieve as a model for world peace. Seriously.
So, without further ado, we are linking up to Yeah Write Me #48. Head on over there to check out more great blogs. It is our favorite place to catch up on our reading.
– Ellen
Ellen– Stasha at The Good Life hosts this fabulous fun party known as the Monday Listicles. (If I get any comments pointing out that it is now Tuesday, I might drop kick a stuffed animal. Do you want that on your conscience?) This week’s Monday Listicles topic comes from Jessica at My Time As Mom, who suggested we make a list of things we’re rubbish at. And since Stasha personally asked/challenged us to join in, I immediately called Erin. (Ok, maybe she didn’t challenge, per se, but I am rubbish at turning down a request.)
Erin– Yesterday Ellen could barely speak, had a fever, and was suffering from one of the more heinous upper respiratory infections making the rounds in our fair county. This point is significant, because today, slightly less feverish and ill, she rose from her bed and practically BEGGED me to write this list.
Ellen– I was thinking it was so much cheaper than mediation and would require less energy than slugging it out in one of those inflatable sumo wrestling rings.
Erin–You see, I am absolute RUBBISH at technology. This is not a big deal unless you have decided to partner with me to write a blog. And then it’s a big, stinking, miserable deal, because blogging is only partially about writing.
Ellen– It is a whole lot about mastering technology and making it your biotch.
Erin– I keep hearing Kelly Clarkson singing, “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Watch out for Ellen then. Really. After blogging with me, she will be able to lift a bus with one hand. She really will be able to wear those red boots and lasso.
Without further ado, the top ten things about technology that flummox me, thus almost kill Ellen, and at which I am absolute rubbish:
1. My Virtual Mailbox
Erin– Ahh, email. This lovely technology has made my life easier in so many ways and completely highlights how little attention I give to organizing certain things. Like email. In the earliest days of our blog, Ellen emailed me everything she could find about blogging.
Ellen– Lots of these were about technology, folks. Take note that until about four months ago, I would have sworn HTML code was a coupon for H&M.
Erin– She even organized the emails in a folder on her Gmail account—I would NEVER even think to do something like that. Later, but not THAT much later, Ellen got irritated with me, because she thought I was ignoring her emails.
Ellen- Gee, they were only about getting our domain name pinned down.
Erin–Yeah, my Voicemail on my home phone and cellphone are both full. I have lost the access numbers and passwords. My BIL Dan tried to help me rectify this over Christmas. He has the patience of a saint, but after about thirty minutes he Pontius Pilated me and washed his hands of the whole mess. When your patron saint declares you a lost cause, you know you’ve got troubles.
Ellen– I sometimes resort to telepathic powers to communicate with her.
3. Posting Pictures
Erin– To be fair, posting pictures to a blog is one of the trickier things to learn early on. There’s re-sizing, and LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of choices. Thumbnail, medium, full-size. Right, left, center. It’s like the Starbucks of visual media, and all I was looking for was a little coffee. On the Blirth-day of the blog, Ellen was setting up Google Analytics, Twitter, and, well, everything else. Meanwhile, I was trying to put my picture on my bio. It took AWHILE.
Ellen– I was actually generating code and she called me expecting a celebration when she got a picture posted.
Erin– I have gotten better, but it’s SLOW.
4. Distinguishing Activity From Productivity
Erin– One of the unwritten rules is that blogs are like houses in a lovely community and you are supposed to make the rounds and COMMENT on them. Hey, nice curtains, lovely rug–that sort of thing. The first time we linked up to Yeah Write Me, I read like 50 blogs, wrote a lovely, lengthy email to Ellen about who we should vote for and why, but I didn’t write a single comment on a single blog. Yeah, I know. (Head hung in shame)
Ellen– Don’t worry folks, I’m all about playing fair, so I swept behind and commented up a storm.
5. Linking Things Up
Erin – It’s kind of a key part of blogging to link things, but I break links like they are a china shop, and I am a bull. Letters appear out of nowhere and attach themselves in funny places BREAKING the link. I don’t copy the whole address BREAKING the link. I don’t even know WHAT I do and I end up BREAKING the link. To say that it’s a problem might be the understatement of the century.
Ellen– Maybe just checking every link you “think” you have posted, might be a goal? I feel like I just channeled Dr. Seuss.
6. Posting Videos
Erin– AGAIN. It bites me twice, because we also like to add videos to our blog posts. Well, the story here starts with my optimistic email to Ellen that read, “Hey, I loaded the video. Blog is ready to go!” Um, well, not really. I hadn’t actually added anything but a link to YouTube that took readers away from our site.
Ellen– And a picture of the video that took you to a blank page.
Erin– Don’t you wish you had a partner just like me??
7. Using My Awesome, Superduper, SmartPhone
Erin– This phone is like a bucking bronco I can’t break. It pocket-dials, refuses to return emails, tweets when it feels like it, and only surfs the net when the mood strikes it. I took it back to the store and they claimed it was an ID10T error.
Ellen– Hmmmm.
8. Mastering My MAC
Erin– I am the world’s worst spokesperson for the world’s best computer brand. Apple makes products for people just like me. Everything about Apple is supposedly intuitive and user-friendly. I am the unfriendliest user EVER.
Ellen– She actually FROZE the screen. I have spent years having Mac users snarkily tell me to abandon my PC because Macs are so foolproof.
Erin– This is such a rare occurrence with a MAC that the Apple Geniuses almost had me escorted out the door by the cops who stand sentry. The bottom line is that I don’t even know how to harness all my power for good.
Ellen– Yet.
9. Attending To Details
Erin– So much of technology in general, and blogging technology specifically, is the ability to dot i’s and cross t’s. I am a big idea person; the details often confound me or in this case poor Ellen. I regularly forget to check boxes that tag our posts or bring readers back to our pages. My husband Steve calls this Erin phenomena “Oh, look, a rock.” As in, Erin is swimming around a fishbowl and “Oh, look, a rock.” Over and over and over. I get lost a lot too.
Ellen– She DID NOT inform me that her hubby had named a phenomenon about her attention span before I agreed to start blogging with her. Just sayin’.
10. Squashing My Utter, Gripping, Handicapping Fear
Erin– Ellen was out for jury duty two weeks ago and left me in charge of the blog. I was sweating like it was a heat wave in August. I know me. Too damn well. I knew I would forget to check a box, or break a link, or post a picture upside down or backward (I know you think it can’t be done, but I am like the anti-superhero of the computerworld—just watch me!).
Ellen– She does produce a force field that makes even my computer go wiggy sometimes. I think she should get her dental work inspected.
Erin– And it’s not like Ellen has all that much computer background, she’s just not terrified of it. I buck, I stomp, I stone-cold back away from the challenge of it all. But the thing about calling a spade a spade, or in this case, myself RUBBISH, is that it takes the power of it all away. Words can tame the beast. In our house we say, “Fight the Tiger; Embrace the Mountain.” All this time, I thought technology was the tiger at the door, but really it’s just the mountain to climb. And I’m going to get my gear on. Really.
Bonus
Ellen– I hope so! But there is one more thing at which Erin is rubbish: giving herself props. She has the most accepting and good-natured disposition of any woman I have ever met. Her kindness knows no bounds. She is the friend we all rely on to deliver hard to hear news to members of the Sisterhood because she truly has a gift for being non-abrasive. She is the Labrador Retriever of women, friend to all. She can also accept criticism like no one I have ever seen. Grace should be her middle name. It is the only thing that can explain why she still takes my calls (of course, she has to have her phone turned on). Let’s face it, it’s one heck of a woman who would write this post.
Erin– I just didn’t want to rent the inflatable sumo suits.
“We’d like you to explore friendship. You can talk about a current friendship or one from your past, a friend you met over kindergarten snacks or happy hour at your first job. Examine your emotional interest in the friendship and the role it plays, or played, in your life.
The word limit for this prompt is 400 words. While that may not seem like many words to devote to a friend you’ve known for thirty years, try to provide us with a snapshot that encompasses your feelings about the friendship.”
Two-For-One
We are including two prompt responses under one post because, well, there are two of us. We blog with a shared voice and focus as Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms. It can be challenging, but what might be even more challenging, is explaining to people how we do it without killing each other. We decided to take this prompt as a blind challenge to explore this question. Ellen is going to write about Erin and vice versa. Erin’s husband is going to load both essays and then we are going to see where the chips fall. Does anyone have Judge Judy’s phone number?
Erin: One Analogy Is Not Enough
Erin is the self-described Labrador Retriever of Women. With her being the wordsmith that she is, I’m going to take the easy road and continue with this analogy. She has all the very best qualities of a Lab – loyal, fun, outgoing, intelligent, and adorable – without the shedding, slobber, and muddy paws. Well, occasionally she has muddy paws, but she does always clean up after herself.
But a woman this fabulous cannot be pegged by just one analogy. She is also THE safe harbor of friendship. She draws friends of all personalities and shelters them with her compassionate and accepting nature. I am prone to bitterness, because I tend to tamp down my feelings so as not to offend anyone. This is never an issue with Erin, because while she will hold you accountable, she will never turn you away for sharing who you are. She just has this supernatural ability to reflect and magnify all that is good in you.
She is also like a poorly maintained roller coaster: if you are not buckled in and paying attention, she will have you off on a tangent in the blink of an eye. While this can make planning a trip with her challenging, it is in these tangents where the heartstrings of friendship are woven tighter.
If I just made you throw up a little in your mouth with the word “heartstrings,” let me redeem myself. She can also get on your nerves like a stonewalling teenager. If she goes “radio-silent” on me one more time, immediately after blog-posting, texting, emailing, Facebooking, or tweeting, I’m going to pee in her Pollyanna Kool-Aid. Love you.
XOXOX – Ellen
Ellen
“You can write me, but you will never capture me.” Thus speaketh Ellen, and like she has so many other times, reveals the absolute truth of the matter. Ellen defies the pigeonholing that sums most people up. She is just so Ellen.
A force of nature, she is so the chick you want in your get-away car. Ellen is a do-it-yourselfer extraordinaire harboring Macgyver-esque fantasies. She can also help you find what ails you, bake a cake that makes you want to live in her kitchen, and guide some pretty great kids through life. She manages all this with a flair and fashion sense that I admire.
Over the years, Ellen has blown me away with the many shades and depths of her character, but the thing that binds us, the thing that makes US work is our ability to make each other laugh. Even if nobody else agrees, we think we are funny as hell.
I am grateful to Ellen on many levels, but I owe her truly for being the one who kicked me out of my Erinness and made me do what I have always wanted to do—write. She wrote me an email once in response to a piece I had written that said “I can go in and do some editing like an overachieving 4th grade mom who wants her kid to get the A.” She can, and she has, more times than I can count. She pushes, I pull. She demands, I rise to the challenge. She laughs, I dissolve in giggles. She is the right partner for me in this blog, because she sees me and what we are trying to do so clearly.
“You can thank me later for your first sentence.” Yes, Ellen, and then some.
